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Wow.. I'm back

Eyes On the Roll

Eyes On the Roll

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2010
Messages
692
Location
Heaven
Well the last I said to you guys was that I had cancer. Once I found out myself that I had stage 3 melanoma, I thought I was dead. I became delusional and paranoid. Around that period of time, I was getting sick very often, and I thought that it was probably because I had HIV from unprotected sex with 2 girls that I had last thanksgiving.. well that was me just getting ahead of myself. The reason why I was getting sick all of the time was because I had a high stage of un-diagnosed cancer. Well I'm going to make a full recovery. The thing is, I feel like my antisocial behavior has worsened since I was diagnosed.. and I lost myself in a whirlwind of pathological lies and fantasies. I have become a complete recluse. I hope to be able to fit in with society once again, after this is all over.
 
Hey, I'm glad to see you back! I have wondered about you so often since your diagnosis. What has your treatment been like?

I'm sorry to hear that this crisis has intensified your anti-social behavior--I was kind of hoping it would change things inside for you but not that way. Maybe being a recluse is what you need right now. Pathological lying and fantasy can be responses when life feels totally out of control--and having cancer is by definition life out of your control.

Anyway, I'm happy to have you back!<3
 
Holy crap, it's good that you're on the mend! I kinda know a little how you feel. I kept getting sick and had to quit working altogether for a while. It gets damn depressing. Hang in there. Glad you're alright! <3
 
herbavore said:
Hey, I'm glad to see you back! I have wondered about you so often since your diagnosis. What has your treatment been like?

I'm sorry to hear that this crisis has intensified your anti-social behavior--I was kind of hoping it would change things inside for you but not that way. Maybe being a recluse is what you need right now. Pathological lying and fantasy can be responses when life feels totally out of control--and having cancer is by definition life out of your control.

Anyway, I'm happy to have you back!<3
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Well the treatment has been difficult. My life has been put on complete hold. As I'm sure you know, I was once addicted to oxycodone. I was sober for about 5 months before this happened and I tried holding off while going through chemo and radiation, but it was just too hard not to. I accepted scripts from my doc for liquid oxycodone since it is really hard for me to eat or swallow. I can honestly say if weed were legal in my state, I would not be taking prescribed pain killers. I tried to drink to quell the pain, but that just worsened my condition.

Also, my step-grandpa is in his final stages of esophageal cancer. The completely stopped his treatment, and now he just has a number of days left. We are both bedridden, but have been in the same vicinity a few times, and have talked about a lot of stuff. It's hard because I lost 2 grandparents in the past 6 months to cancer, and I'm about to lose another, the one I knew best, and I thought I was going the same way. I retreated into my mind for solace, and that just fucked a lot of things up. Before this, everyone thought I was a bad person, and now, they are trying to offer love, which for some reason, I am unable to accept.
 
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Eyes On the Roll said:
Before this, everyone thought I was a bad person, and now, they are trying to offer love, which for some reason, I am unable to accept.
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It is impossible to accept love from anyone else if you do not love yourself. I know that you have struggled with this. You are entirely worthy of self-forgiveness and love. I hope that you can open yourself to that.<3

I am so sorry about your grandparents. That is a lot of loss in a very short time. Grandparents are so different than parents. the relationships offer more space and usually have less strain and tension. Let him know how much he has meant to you before he is gone. His death will be easier for him. That is a very important gift that you can give him.<3
 
Hang in there man I bet when you are well your life will have a new purpose. A drive that comes from starring death in the face and refusing to blink
 
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