Cravings and anxiety causing desperation

[Tarnum]

Damn i had wrote a decent amount until it got erased! Fucking phone!

I was basically saying i need some support or advice. I've been off the H for 11 days and before that i was clean for a week. I slipped up one day. I've worked out but only because my good friend pushes me to go. And even then i still feel so anxious i dont imagine how I would feel if i didn't work out all those days! But what's really killing ne right now is the anxiety because in sure that's causing the craving.

I've been contemplating on getting kratom but got kava instead because I didn't want to be teased or start drinking kratom regularly again. Even though my family realizes that kratom tea got me off my H addiction so they are cool with it but i have no money. And I'm positive I'm going to get tramadols once i get paid in my new job...kava helps a bunch but doesn't help with motivation.

I've ate healthy, get inspired by music,find new hobbies etc. But the weight keeps pushing down. I think the biggest thing besides the anxiety for me, is that I'm so fucking antisocial as where i thought i had social anxiety but its not that because i don't get any more nervous around people, i just honestly don't feel like socializing at all. I bet i can go a few days without talking too but i know that would make it worse!

Im sick of feeling like this and honestly think that if i got at least kratom or tramadol, i would function better and not be useless lol. If i could afford it along with the essentials of life, i wouldn't mind it. Sometimes i feel like i ate the forbidden fruit and got fucked for life

 

[RobotRipping]

don't get tramadol unless you are depressed too, i mean it's not the worst idea but i think kratom is much better. I don't have any friends at all, i hate socializing. I have nothing to say to anyone, my opinions often differ greatly from others. I can only find friends who do drugs anyway. I once did go a few days without saying a word to anyone, it was so messed up. That kind of thing really takes a toll on you mentally.

yeah i get that feeling of opening Pandora's box or eating the forbidden fruit. If you didn't eat the fruit though then you would have never known, it's kind of like the matrix, would you prefer to know or not know. I'd rather live my life knowing how extreme pleasure can be than be ignorant.

go with kratom imo, tramadol is fine but kratom has less side effects, much easier withdrawal an you can choose different strains base on your needs. Whatever the case, you've beat heroin addiction (well the first part of it) so congratulate yourself, be proud man, it's not easy to do, it's actually one of the hardest things you can do. It shows incredible strength and will power.

 

[Tarnum]

I can definitely relate man. On threads that are about dealing with PAWS they always say "go out, meet new friends, talk to people etc" but It's not easy for everyone especially since opiates make you satisfied (not needing social interactions) so I think it just changes your personality like that even though I was like that before, though not as severe. It sounds silly, but I got really pissed at myself for not ordering kratom instead of kava. I would rather not be ignorant also haha, the people that say "just dont do it! how is it that hard!" really piss me off. Even though its not entirely their fault because they JUST DONT KNOW.

Definitely, sometimes I think "Opiate addiction must be one of the toughest things to beat so I must have alot of willpower. That means im stronger than most people and can do great things." It just sucks knowing you got to start from negative numbers instead of 0. Ive been shceming for real about getting some opiates, but decided that if i can find xanax to hold me off for like 2 -3 days then I would be alright. But I know Im going to have a hard time if I cant get any and H is available instead...

The things that are motivating me are:
-Not failing my family and my one good friend
-Not helping the evil organizations of the world by financing them
-and so I can actually have money to buy shit and move up in the world since my parents have been working non stop for me and my siblings how fucked up would it be to just give up
Sadly, even that isnt enough...Im definitely going to get some xanax if i can

Thanks for replying, I relate to 100% of your post.

 

[RobotRipping]

yeah the cravings kill me. One thing that helps me is to realize that when i give into the cravings, it's never as good as i thought it would be and i feel shitty for letting myself down. It's fucking tough though, i could go through 100 withdrawals and i wouldn't care as long as i wouldn't have cravings afterwards.

I'm a lone wolf as well, going out, meeting new people, joining support groups, are all things that i just can't do without benzos at least. I don't really have social anxiety anymore but i have 0 interest in listening to other people's bullshit. If i had friends i could relate to, who didn't just regurgitate everything they hear on TV and be closed minded assholes, it'd be a bit easier. I think of inviting friends over but then what the hell are we going to do? talk? watch tv? lol I miss being a stoner for the social aspect, it at least gave everyone something to do then we could all watch a movie or talk, whatever.

if you can't get xanax but can get tramadol i'd just do that for now. Don't go back to heroin, do whatever it takes to get through now so that enough time goes by that you aren't fiending so bad. I can't get H around here, just no market for it, if it were though it'd be an insane struggle. In the end though you will feel happier and more content with life if you aren't in that cycle of getting high and withdrawal. Opiates make people complacent so instead of improving life everything just goes to shit IME.

you have some great motivations, they are all worthwhile and will reinforce that you are making the right decision. Keep up the good work and if you have an insane craving send me a PM or reach out to someone. If you're craving by yourself it's going to make it that much worse. I know i'll be struggling with it tonight and probably for a while ahead.

 

[Tarnum]

I know what you mean...It seems that the majority of people gave in to the brainwashing of the media! Thats why I cancelled my facebook account a long time ago. So much stupid shit on there its insane! Facebook/twitter/illuminatti dumb-downed radio music, and shit like jersey shore. I cant even watch documentaries on the history channel anymore because these dumb fucking "reality shows" (what a joke) are infiltrating EVERYWHERE.

I like weed with a benzo but alone it just makes me think TOO MUCH and I get this uncomfortable feeling like I can feel my body amplified by 10x. If I enjoyed weed though, I would definitely switch addictions no doubt. Opiates do make you complacent. For example "I should probably go get some more money right now...naw Im sure I'll get it later" and then BAM! withdrawal. It also makes it like you said, so that your happy in your current situation no matter how shitty it is, causing me to not do all I can to move up in the world. Yea I just need something to hold me off for atleast 2 days and i think ill be good because i remember last time how i felt when i was clean for a while.

Also, everything you said about being a lone wolf, is true for me. (If you havent already noticed haha)
Plus it sucks that alot of people would rather discuss useless fucking topics, instead of having an intellectual or spiritual conversation.
Another motivator is we wont have to worry about our supply of drugs, or even worse...Wait for stupid fucking dealers with their drug dealer time haha

Cool thanks, you can hit me up whenever also

 

[Sepher]

Anxiety and craving are very much linked, the one feeding the other in a vicious circle. When you're in withdrawal your noradrenalin goes really high and this contributes to a lot of your classic symptoms. Guess what else makes noradrenaline go high? Natural fight or flight response caused by anxiety. I think it's very probable that the feel of anxiety is associated with the feel of withdrawal by the brain and that causes craving. That would seem to be true IME. I also believe using an opioid to relieve anxiety reinforces that association every time you give in. Any opioid, including kratom. This would be its chief benefit, but it is counter productive in the long term. Your brain will find its own balance again and this will pass but you must give your brain time to adjust to not having opiates to play with any more.

That could be some months but in the meantime you can do a lot by trying to control this anxiety that's driving the craving. Whether that's talking to someone, other none-opiate medication, simple things like meditation and breathing exercises, physical exercise, anything that will help get your endorphins pumping and fill some time with positive energy.

Congrats on your decision to stop BTW Tarnum. It's bloody hard and takes real guts. I wish you well, in every sense of the word. Ride that shit out. It WILL pass. From one ex-addict to another I wish you the absolute best of luck! Keep us updated how you're doing. So far you would seem to be winning!

 

[Tarnum]

Thanks for the reply Sepher. I actually do want to grow spiritually so I can have enough control over myself and not feel like a total bitch. I couldnt get anything to help me unfortunately...And then I got the chance to get H...I resisted the terrible curse and pushed myself to go to the gym with my friend. I still feel like shit except for that small "reward" of knowing I pushed hard as fuck today and didnt get any opiates. I really hope I feel better tomorrow (besides the fact ima be sore as fuck!), at least the anxiety to calm down so I can take some rhodiola and help my motivation atleast by 20% and try to get shit done...It sucks that time moves so fucking slow during these phases

One thing that sucks is that My parents think Ive been clean for a month, unfortunately i lied to them that i hadnt touched it since because if I told them the truth then for sure they would be like "wtf you were already clean! why would you go back to it if you already went through it!?" So it basically looks like Im a lazy ass hole when im at home. lol

 

[Sepher]

I got the chance to get H...I resisted the terrible curse and pushed myself to go to the gym with my friend. I still feel like shit except for that small "reward" of knowing I pushed hard as fuck today and didnt get any opiates.

Now you what works for you when you need it! So, keep doing it, same thing, as much as you can or as much as you need, push through.

 

[Tarnum]

One thing that sucks is that My parents think Ive been clean for a month, unfortunately i lied to them that i hadnt touched it since because if I told them the truth then for sure they would be like "wtf you were already clean! why would you go back to it if you already went through it!?" So it basically looks like Im a lazy ass hole when im at home. lol

What I said before got reinforced tonight...OOOPS I... DID IT AGAIN (lol jk) But for real, The H smoke hit my lungs again tonight. I know its "reasoning" but I was just staying home and was cool with that but then I got pressured to "get a job already, stop being lazy! I want you to go and find a job today. Understand?" "Do you think I love getting up every morning to go to work? NO, but I do it anyways, grow up and be a man already!" "Oh you feel like shit? Yea I do too but I FORCE myself to fucking work!"
Me- "But dad, your used to it, you've been doing it for like 25 years straight. Plus I REALLY feel like shit-"
dad -"Yea well thats what you get for using Pendejadas. You see me drinking a couple of beers at night, and I hate waking up in the morning but do you see me giving excuses?"

It fucking sucks, I hate to admit it but I really do have to grow up lol. On the bright side, I have at least 3 potential job offers, saw one of my friends at a walmart, and ended up giving another friend i saw a ride to his house, while acquiring something small to sell on ebay. So i guess its not that bad...Really though, H was all I could get. When I get the chance to get etizolam and kratom to taper, I'm definitely doing it. I didnt even feel like "WOW I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHIT". I simply used it to function. I wanted to go to a smoke shop but wasnt sure if Krypton was still available. (The one with the tramadol metabolite laced with kratom) I would of went to check at least but Im pretty sure Desmethyl tram isnt available anymore

 

[RobotRipping]

yeah that is part of growing up man. I'm a big child myself lol. Go for the jobs, they will help you in many ways. It's your drug use that is killing your ambition to work, if you didn't always feel like shit you'd want to be productive. Shit if kryptom were available i'd buy all of it. Careful with the etizolam, i'm about to just say fuck it and take it all the time, it is too good for someone like me. It keeps me very functional though, no blackouts no rebound anxiety and i dont hate my life.

Keep at it man, you'll make it through, if i can make it out of that pit of depression and hell then you can too.

 

[Tarnum]

Thanks alot man, its a huge relief to have someone like-minded relate to me. (no matter how far away) lol
Yea the "feeling normal" part is dangerous though but you already know that. Having said that, have you tried Kava, phenibut? Maybe you can cycle them to avoid dependence?