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Back home from a little stint in jail...

dilated_pupils

dilated_pupils

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 13, 2006
Messages
3,617
Location
Philly burbs, PA
Well 5 months went by and I spent May to October in jail due to violation of probation. It was probably the longest 5 months of my life. I really was forced to do a lot of hard thinking which I wasn't prepared to due, let alone in jail.

I really must stress that sleeping in jail is like nothing I can begin to explain. I was coming off of a long stimulant abuse cycle when I went in and it really was like a played out delusion (going to jail) - sleep ran alongside my waking self I actually had times where I would just wake up to eat in a zombie state and go back to bed hoping not to wake up. After a while I started putting my excess energy to good use though.

I put a lot of time into working out and getting my mind fit. I gained approx. 20 pounds then lost a few after working out excessively and I now am continuing it although it's only been a few days (I know this is going to stick with me though).

I've also definitely gotten some of my priorities straightened out in my head at the very least, I just need to make them a reality now. I am trying to stay clean, I went to AA/NA meetings while in jail but there are some things I'm still unsure of personally that make a completely sober life a bit... ridiculous.

What get's to me is the food, sugar, nicotine, caffeine etc that everyone else enjoys/over enjoys and has no problem with other than their diseases they end up gaining alongside such things. I didn't want to start smoking again but right now I'm still debating on whether or not that will be something I continue. Everything else I listed above I have treated fairly well for a while in my life, and some things with certain stims got out of hand, but I just don't get how the expectations that are expected of me are going to coincide with what I believe I will be taken for as face value by most individuals. I keep using the word 'hope' but honestly, I hope that I can get this straightened out before I fall into a cycle that would make all the lessons I've recently been forced to re-learn/re-live pointless.

Anyway, I'm glad to be back around a bit I hope I can make up for some of the missed posts I direly wished I could have been making in recent times. Hope all is well for everyone.

-dp
 
Hey, d_p, welcome back!:D<3 Seems that the experience was two edged--horrible and beneficial at the same time. I wasn't sure what you meant about the sugar, caffeine etc--are you worried about those getting out of control now you are off everything else? I had to really cut down on both those 9and unfortunately they go together a lot for me) but I'm over the hump and now it just feels normal rather than like deprivation. I really like to bake so now I save it for very special occasions.
 
welcome back to the free world. jail is definitely not fun, though I managed to settle in if you will. if smoking cigs and drinking coffee is the worst of your problems then by all means do it. you're still early in your recovery so you need some type of stress relief aside from drugs and caffeine and nicotine won't cost you a dirty drop. continue working out like I have and eat right and as you see the progress when you look in the mirror you will be astounded at how gratifying it is. just keep pushing on my friend. it does get better.
 
I know some folks from the philly burbs.
Jail saved my life I did the same thing, worked out, got my weight up. Just keep moving forward homie!:
 
Welcome back. I hope that you're able to take whatever lessons you can from your mishap. I suggest not smoking again and trying to move yourself towards more healthy methods of relieving stress.
 
Welcome back d_p. That seems a long sentence for a probation violation. Are you off paper completely?

I completely understand on the caffeine and sugar. I have to not keep much/any of either around and make sure I eat healthy food regularly. Now that you are out of jail, it should be easier for you to prepare healthy meals; I can't imagine forcing down that slop. Keeping up on your workouts and following up with nutrition will help you keep the progress you have made. Early sobriety in addition to the reintegration into society/everyday life after being incarcerated is a difficult path. Do you have a caseworker or similar who will help you out with programs for employment, food, health, education, training, etc.? Whatever social services are available to you can be of huge help especially now.

I wish you the best as you rebuild your life. We definitely missed you around here!
 
herbavore said:
Hey, d_p, welcome back!:D<3 Seems that the experience was two edged--horrible and beneficial at the same time. I wasn't sure what you meant about the sugar, caffeine etc--are you worried about those getting out of control now you are off everything else? I had to really cut down on both those 9and unfortunately they go together a lot for me) but I'm over the hump and now it just feels normal rather than like deprivation. I really like to bake so now I save it for very special occasions.
Click to expand...

Sorry if I sounded confusing. What I think I'm still trying to get across to others, which around here I don't need to, is that those things such as sugar/caffeine are drugs just the same as anything else can be. The only thing that usually differs is social stigma, but then again if you're binging on sugar and caffeine it's likely someone is noticing other than your own brain.

That's really good though that you moderate the intake of sugar by doing something you now enjoy. I always enjoyed cooking but there's a lot more to portioning things out then I ever knew before. Trying to make a small bit of food last every day in jail was like nothing I can explain other than true hell. Any time I'd go for a snack I bought I'd double/triple think what I was about to do, which would be devour my only sugar, caffeine or protein, and if I gave in to eating it there and then I felt like shit because I completely ruined what actually was the appetizing part of the food. Then if you saved something to long you had to fend off other 'survivors' from raiding your stash. Worse than having pure cocaine at a come down party ;) if you catch my drift.

Mariposa said:
Welcome back d_p. That seems a long sentence for a probation violation. Are you off paper completely?

I completely understand on the caffeine and sugar. I have to not keep much/any of either around and make sure I eat healthy food regularly. Now that you are out of jail, it should be easier for you to prepare healthy meals; I can't imagine forcing down that slop. Keeping up on your workouts and following up with nutrition will help you keep the progress you have made. Early sobriety in addition to the reintegration into society/everyday life after being incarcerated is a difficult path. Do you have a caseworker or similar who will help you out with programs for employment, food, health, education, training, etc.? Whatever social services are available to you can be of huge help especially now.

I wish you the best as you rebuild your life. We definitely missed you around here!
Click to expand...

It's funny you mention forcing down the slop... it becomes divine and worth fighting for after a while, even if you order commissary. It's what you're supposed to be guaranteed and if/when someone messes with it you are forced with a sort of battered fight or flight response. Just imagine a correctional officer being the one who sets off the 'fight' 8( I don't have a caseworker not that I'm aware of, but I am trying to benefit from this as mentioned, double edge sword that forced me to learn something. I don't quite know how to word what type of help I need at this point in time but I'm more aware that I need it at the very least.

Glad to get some of this out of my head and onto bluelight too, I'm very grateful for being a part of such an amazing website/forums. Many people in jail looked at my knowledge about drugs like it was voodoo sometimes. Like "No! That can't be! I've been snorting Vicodin for like 4 years now, they must be water soluble!"

-dp
 
dilated_pupils said:
It's funny you mention forcing down the slop... it becomes divine and worth fighting for after a while, even if you order commissary. It's what you're supposed to be guaranteed and if/when someone messes with it you are forced with a sort of battered fight or flight response. Just imagine a correctional officer being the one who sets off the 'fight' 8( I don't have a caseworker not that I'm aware of, but I am trying to benefit from this as mentioned, double edge sword that forced me to learn something. I don't quite know how to word what type of help I need at this point in time but I'm more aware that I need it at the very least.
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I would be silently howling and hoarding fruit, not for pruno but because I doubt I could force prison slop down even at my most desperate. I can understand why incarcerated people go on hunger strikes. If I were able to force it down, I doubt I'd be able to keep it down. The food would be what would break me.

I can certainly see how a CO could set off a fight by being a jerk. Most are there to do a head count and ensure order, some even develop a rapport with the inmates in the form of jokes, etc. Others do as awful of things as anyone in a position of power could do to someone vulnerable. I am friends with a female CO who asked to be transferred to supervise the (coed) medical ward after seeing her colleagues act like dickheads to inmates for no reason. She doesn't plan to be a CO after she gets her master's in social work, she'll be a prison social worker and wants to work with inmates who are getting out soon and need jobs/housing/treatment.

Your probation officer should be able to give you a referral. How would you word it? "Hi, I'm d_p, I was recently incarcerated for ___ months for _________, and I'd like to talk to you about finding help for [jobs, food, housing, health services, education, training]. Are you the right person to talk to about this? If not, who would you suggest I call?"

It boggles my mind that people who were incarcerated just get thrown out of one system and are automatically expected to resume life as if nothing had happened. Even the shortest of sentences can change a person forever. It is difficult to explain to a potential employer in a tough economy why you're a great candidate for a job as you get your life back on track. Your sobriety, mental and physical fitness will work so much in your favor. You're a free person now. You're aware that you need help. I hope that you find someone knowledgeable who provides you with the tools you need to thrive.

I'm glad your bid is done, and I hope that your holidays are that much happier now that you are out of custody. I can't imagine what they'd serve for holiday meals, turkey tetrachloride with a side of dumpster pumpkin? No more prison slop for you, d_p, whatever is going on in your life, I hope you will salivate at the thought of real nourishment for both body and soul. And please stay safe from Sandy. Help in so many ways is available to you. It is a relief to see you posting again. I wondered what had happened.
 
Mariposa said:
It boggles my mind that people who were incarcerated just get thrown out of one system and are automatically expected to resume life as if nothing had happened. Even the shortest of sentences can change a person forever. It is difficult to explain to a potential employer in a tough economy why you're a great candidate for a job as you get your life back on track. Your sobriety, mental and physical fitness will work so much in your favor. You're a free person now. You're aware that you need help. I hope that you find someone knowledgeable who provides you with the tools you need to thrive.
Click to expand...

I think this would be a great thread topic. Sharing tips and resources that were helpful after incarceration--especially in terms of future employment. A lot of it would be regional and wouldn't apply to everyone but if lots of Bluelighters from different countries contributed it could make a huge difference for those just getting out. Even something as simple as your suggestion of how to approach social services is invaluable.

Here is an organization, Friends Outside, that could be very helpful to anyone in jail now or just getting out (or to family members).
 
Mariposa said:
I would be silently howling and hoarding fruit, not for pruno but because I doubt I could force prison slop down even at my most desperate. I can understand why incarcerated people go on hunger strikes. If I were able to force it down, I doubt I'd be able to keep it down. The food would be what would break me.
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Yeah every time we got any sort of fruit (there is a farm that's apart of the jail I was in) I would try to trade to get as much as possible. At least it'd last a couple days if I got enough, although when it's one of the only foods you can get that is packaged from it's own skin, you know it's going to taste a lot better than what else is being given to you.

Mariposa said:
I'm glad your bid is done, and I hope that your holidays are that much happier now that you are out of custody. I can't imagine what they'd serve for holiday meals, turkey tetrachloride with a side of dumpster pumpkin? No more prison slop for you, d_p, whatever is going on in your life, I hope you will salivate at the thought of real nourishment for both body and soul. And please stay safe from Sandy. Help in so many ways is available to you. It is a relief to see you posting again. I wondered what had happened.
Click to expand...

I really feel somewhat ungrateful/unappreciative towards some of the things I have because when you're in jail you say/think a lot of things that you may mean completely but in the end you go about neglecting anyway when you get home. As much as I'm trying to apply the changes I believe I tried to make while incarcerated, I still find myself feeling the need to fill 'empty time' and yet while locked up if you ask someone what they'd be doing if they were out of jail they'd always have a good answer. I am very much looking forward to the holidays, I missed quite a lot of them in 5 months. And yeah, the trays you get on holidays are usually chicken, potato salad, salad, sherbert for desert & a chocolate milk.

Regarding the hurricane, it's passed but a lot of power was out, and some stores are still dealing with the outage, including supermarkets.

herbavore said:
I think this would be a great thread topic. Sharing tips and resources that were helpful after incarceration--especially in terms of future employment. A lot of it would be regional and wouldn't apply to everyone but if lots of Bluelighters from different countries contributed it could make a huge difference for those just getting out. Even something as simple as your suggestion of how to approach social services is invaluable.
Click to expand...

Maybe if it could be a part of the forum that kept you anonymous as you posted, I don't think many people would want their past posts lined up with their incarceration information, easy to find through searching the net a bit. I know I don't really mind but that's just my personal preference. I do like the idea you have presented though, it could easily be a moderated thread that got added to as more users needed information as well. Once I get what I need to do on track, maybe I'll present what information that helped me out and can be stickied for people to make use of.

-dp
 
There's a resource I found when a close friend was incarcerated that helps family/friends/loved ones all over the world. www.prisontalk.com is the link. It's probably the size of Bluelight and it addresses all aspects of incarceration from arrest to aftercare. I'm not a member, just lurked when I was doing research to help my friend. The people there seemed to be very knowledgeable and nice. I believe they even have a forum on post-incarceration employment. My friend is now out and struggling to find a job. His bid was for burglary 1. He got drunk and stoned one night, broke into his boss's house, and he had a record for pot so he had the book thrown at him. He's now graduated from the first phase of enhanced probation/mental health court, has a caseworker, a court coordinator, a therapist, and while he's definitely not sober from pot, he is living on his own successfully. Since he can't get hired with a giant felony like that before it is expunged at the end of his program, I pay his phone bill in exchange for his handiwork in the house and yard two times per month. He's got a working phone, we have a handyman (he's a carpenter by trade) and everyone's happy. If I gave him cash he'd spend it on pot. The arrangement works pretty well, with bonuses in the form of pizza. :) I have the better end of the deal if anything. I would be paying a lot more for some of the work he has done, most recent was cleaning years' worth of leaves out of the roof gutters.

The system is so flawed. I saw a list recently of US federal prison commissary items with prices. I think it was about $2.40 for a pack of ramen noodles that are 5 packs for a buck at the grocery store. Privatization of prisons/jails is a particular pet peeve of mine. I believe labor laws need to apply to the incarcerated. 40 cents per hour for picking up trash on the interstate or making license plates (yes, they do both out here) is not even close to minimum wage. Talk about kicking people when they are down. This also impacts the families and friends of the incarcerated. Outside of the walls, others are affected. The penal system does a piss-poor job of providing basic support. They wonder why prison riots and other bad behavior occurs. :|

I'm glad you were able to come forward about your experience. It makes people think when they read about the experience of someone who's done a bid beyond a night in the drunk tank. I have little good to say about the US for-profit prison system. I am all about "do the crime, do the time" - if someone were to commit a criminal act that hurt me or a loved one, I would want them to be taken to task. I also realize that there is a significant difference between someone who raped/killed/murdered and someone who sold weed to an undercover, by way of example. The prison system is designed to create criminals so that it can turn a profit. It is best to live a life where you stay out of it or any accusations that could land you into it.

I think it's great that you had the opportunity to eat farm fresh fruit instead of prison slop. One program that I think is really cool is in Alaska. The Iditarod sled dog race is held in March of every year. There are usually about 50 teams with 14-16 dogs - huskies, which aren't exactly low-maintenance. Part of the rules of the race is that the musher (sled commander) stops at checkpoints to ensure a healthy team. If the health of a dog is jeopardized, the dog receives veterinary care and is then flown to the prison to be cared for until the race is over. Guess who takes care of them? Inmates who have behaved well! Here's a photo of a happy husky giving a smooch to an inmate caretaker (this is work safe - just a cut):



I have no idea what this woman did to land her in prison, but the happiness of caring for a dog will give her something to write about and talk about with her family and friends. Dogs do not judge (especially huskies <3), they are on this earth to share companionship and give life a bit more meaning. I haven't seen anything in the news about prison riots there. Books, dogs, visits from family and friends... these should all be encouraged in the prison system. It makes it so it's not all bad inside the gate.

d_p, I'm glad you're out, and I wish you my continued best as you rebuild your life.

Building morale is important on both the inside and the outside.
 
hey d_p,
good to see ya around!
best of luck to you man and please if you've been off cigs for 5 months, don't pick up. damn i regret them more than anything and the fuckers are so wicked expensive now. really regret them, cost all ways is just too high.
you gonna make it your own way man
always<3
-izzy
 
Mariposa said:
The system is so flawed. I saw a list recently of US federal prison commissary items with prices. I think it was about $2.40 for a pack of ramen noodles that are 5 packs for a buck at the grocery store. Privatization of prisons/jails is a particular pet peeve of mine. I believe labor laws need to apply to the incarcerated. 40 cents per hour for picking up trash on the interstate or making license plates (yes, they do both out here) is not even close to minimum wage. Talk about kicking people when they are down. This also impacts the families and friends of the incarcerated. Outside of the walls, others are affected. The penal system does a piss-poor job of providing basic support. They wonder why prison riots and other bad behavior occurs. :|
Click to expand...

The jail I was in has what they call 'tasks' not jobs. Every task reflects on keeping the jail working, including the farm, the cleaning, cooking etc. You make approx. $15 a week which goes right on to your books (so you're bound to spend it on commissary anyway which goes right back into the hands of the county). Block jobs, like sweeping/mopping the floor earns you $4.75 a week. So basically they whole place can be ran for very little and when there's 1 CO for 120 people (1 CO behind some plastic covering 3 sections of a block, 40 people each) whose given a 12hr shift, you can only imagine the money coming out of this place.

The ramen soups were going for .67 cents a piece; I was spending all my money on protein mostly to be able to keep myself healthy. I feel very in dept to my family for giving me money during the time I was in jail. I actually even met someone in there, who was one of my cell mates for a little bit, who later wrote me after getting out and offered to put money on my books. When everyone is bunched together in such a way, the same stereotypes may apply but the good people tend to look past them although I found it hard at times to do so myself.

Thank you as well to the others who wished me good luck.

-dp
 
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