mission: accomplished (please show me...)

[crOOk]

The BAD:

• moving towards the 60th waking hour; first it became less, than i started skipping nights; now im sleeping every third night.
• the next move will cost me 250.000 €. on the plus i have the option to turn it into 2.5yrs jailtime should i not be able to pay up
• i cant pay rent. no money incoming either. in fact i cant buy tobacco or food as of now.
• . . ive stopped studying medicine
• i havent met up wiht any friends in half a year.
• on my bd i locked myself in and when my mome entered the flat i drove her out screaming. present kept laying there for a day
• i wanked twice in the past 6 months, touched my pot a cpl times. no time for that. no focus. no direction
• ive lost the last another 20lbs i could lose. im officially rock n roll now.
• ive driven many friends out: laughed at my friend when he got hsi cancer diagnosis at 27 and then told him i have no time to talk; yelled another who has lost her bf after 9 yrs and lots of plans. mad love; 18yrs best friend insulted repeatedly and very personal, dragged his name through the dirt
• all day hospitals are denying me service
• eyes infected, skin infected
• no clothes without holes
• im hiding from police ringing my doorbell daily to take my pc and probably me as well. (yes i realize what that sounds like, this is the real deal though.)
• cavitys. a lot of em. watch me rot. one has been rotting for over half a year, its crumbling away, i cant pay for it
• soon the last pain med will be gone. so is my free supply. driving towards stomachcramp
• im hiding from police ringing my doorbell daily to take my pc and probably me as well.
• my daughter at 3.5 yrs has the same disease, just the nasty version of it
• her mum does too. how could we be so moronic not to see this coming?
• before i forget i live with neither one. i didnt move out, but i broke my daughters heart. shes suffering
• ive taught heaps of coding skill, met hundreds of people autohotkey-> C# + JS-> C C++ ASM; all in 4 months; now i struggle "programming the laundry machine"
• also created a prog and got around 5k users (d3 ah bot); then got fucked and fucked again and fucked again and finally failed selling the thing because im disorganized

• 
  The GOOD:
• my daughter
• my parents
• my best friend, schizophrenic but so solid. a real constant in my life. thak you René
• i expect to receive life long welfare and pension. it wont be much but will hopefully secure a flat and food.

half a year of manic psychosis is all it takes

could you please add to the good list?

 

[herbavore]

I can add these:

*still alive and therefore have the power to change everything and anything.
*some small ember of hopefulness still alive, just needs air to become flame again
*found an online community of people with similar situations and lots of empathy to aid in my recovery

 

[crOOk]

I can add these:

*still alive and therefore have the power to change everything and anything.
*some small ember of hopefulness still alive, just needs air to become flame again
*found an online community of people with similar situations and lots of empathy to aid in my recovery

Thank you herbavore. First smile in hours.

I'm slipping out of my mania bit by bit. Scared shitless of what's gonna happen. I'm not sure I've ever known anyone with these mostly manic and hypomanic symptoms. Never thought I could kill my social life this fast. I really hope another of my former best friends sticks to me.He really doesn't have much reason to as fr as I can tell. I have been nothing but taxing for over a year to everyone around me. This morning I wrote 26 word pages worth of emails. Now i am hitting keys in slow motion. god where is the next ride gonna lead me.

thanks for your comment again. have u ever invited the desctructive force of a full blown several month lasting manic episode into your life or do you know anyone in the forum? ive been trying to find someone but no luck at all. im jsut currently starting to understand my behaviour dating back to 5th grade. I know i wasnt easy prior to that either.

If i had only 1000 eur per month I could pya full attention to suki, 24 fucking 7. there really is nothing else for me to do these days besides her which i consider more or less healthy.and i want this time to be the best she could experience (with consistency in setting rules and all ofc).im so fucking scared she will turn worse than me come puberty. i guess thats normal for a parent, but knowing she has all these addictive traits in her, shes exactly like me already. always asking bout pills too as if there was some separate brain area thats precoded to find ways to alternate perception and behaviour.
at least my sentences all make sense now it seems, despite those two skipped nights of sleep.

ive written a god awful mail to these psychiatrists i was reffered to, they come home to your place and all. but no reaction. i was slipping in and out of this catatonic state but thought what i had written within 2h was really badass smart. (they be impressed lol)

i later looked at it and it was scary as fuck lol.once those paragraphs were over a 4page fullon rant followed, mostly without punctuation. it looks like some sorta pseudocode lol
oh my daughters calling yay

 

[opium]

i cant say ive been through what you have, but hang in there man. if you cant think of anything else think of your daughter. You'll pull through, i know it

 

[crOOk]

i cant say ive been through what you have, but hang in there man. if you cant think of anything else think of your daughter. You'll pull through, i know it

Thanks so much. I've managed to start this thread and wrote a mail less than 10 pages long the othe night. Progress. I'm so fragile now. Constantly crying, but still hoping this isn't gonna turn into depression. I can hear the music again though. Gonna try to live these moments, no telling what happens next. Life's so fucking strange...

 

[littlepenguin]

you must be bipolar I, rapid cycle, and it would appear you have had a psychotic break or two....
the rapid cycling sucks, i truly know how you feel...i'll be on the up and up, soaring, sailing - and then i see it in the distance, its like an avalanche - looks like a little snowball in the distance and keeps gaining speed heading right for me, i turn away to ignore it and pretend it's not there, it's like a shadow slinking around the corner...BAM...an instant crippling depression, a deep dark hole that i will seemingly never emerge from, leaving friends and family in my path wondering what the fuck happened so suddenly, calls ignored and unreturned, face caked and streaked with mascara from 2 (was it 2?) days ago, sulking, so hungry but no energy to even walk to the kitchen and eat because fuck it, what's the point? and then somehow graced with rest, a fitful sleep, and awake - leaping out of bed, shake off the snow like an old pro and look in the mirror....what the fuck was i crying about? it's a brand new fucking day.


repeat - life.


I don't have much for words of advice because that'd be like preaching to the choir - I just wanted to say I identify with you and you're not alone. it's a helluva roller coaster ride. I wish you the best

 

[xxsicknessxx]

Yes living in any kind of psychosis is a hard thing to do. good job for getting so far..

 

[gay.in.texas]

Life's so fucking strange...

truer words cant be spoken.
some days it just doesnt make sense
as for positives, i dont know you personally, but i can add...

-you wouldnt be reaching out here if you truly believed you were hopeless (not matter how much things can make it seem that way at times)
-due to the above you have EARNED my and i believe others respect, which is something many dark side posters have not done
-you have people (even if just online) who reach back when you reach out, which is something some dont have, and can be a powerful tool

 

[herbavore]

Oh, cr00k, it sounds like hell. I'm so sorry. I have many friends with bi-polar, my son was bi-polar and I know that it is a disease that can be mild or acute. The most cruel part about it to me is that the intensity of the depression and the manic state for so many people is equal. That has got to just wear you out. And for those like you that manifest almost all hyper-mania it seems to be particularly intense. You have all my respect and admiration for finding your way through. Here in my town ( in CA) there is a really cool communal house for people with bipolar mostly but also schizophrenia, schizo-affective disorder or any of the other diagnosis that can cause psychotic breaks. They really focus on helping each other get to know their own warning signs, symptoms, triggers etc. and try to help each other avoid, or at least minimize the worst symptoms. It is such an empowering group. The idea of peer support started in England I've heard. Are you actually in Germany? Do they have anything like that over there? I don't mean that you should move from your current living situation, just thought it might be good to participate in the support of a like minded community of people. I can't think of a single hardship in this life whether it is addiction, losing a child, being outside the status quo when it comes to gender or sexuality, mental illness, ex-con..whatever is difficult, you name it--it helps to have people that know where you are coming from. I just did a quick google search and got this and many other links:http://www.bipolarsupportgroup.net/home/
You might want to check those out and let us know (especially in the bipolar megathread) if any are helpful.

Much, much love to you. And to Little Penguin, too

 

[crOOk]

oh i love you guys, thanks so much. this is one of the very few places ive ever known where people listen. yeah thats what ive come to realize. people dont fucking listen, why share their reality, why bother? i feel i have some sort of understanding of the dynamics underlying psychotis now.

btw...

ive also turnt schizophrenic now. yay yay gotta love cowering up on a chair and just zoning out for 4h while it seems that its merely been a minute . the other day this happened while i was cutting my toenails, only 90mins though lol.
i seriously had to seek treatment so for the second time since shes born i havent seen suki (3.4yrs now) for a whole week.
my lawyers have not respected the deadlines, so i basically am left as a criminal with the court order stuck on me and the company threatening to sue me again. since there are straight lies about facts om their reasoning, i might have a chance to turn things around still though. ill keep fighting.
fungus has been eating away on my facial hair, the areas cant be covered by my beard anymore. yet the dermatologist tells me i need to make another appointment in a week before we can start treatment. he who told me two years back it wasnt fungus, but neurodermatitis is now telling me again that the eyes, throat, hands and feet arent infected, just the face and head. being psychotic doesnt really help with people believing your hypochondriac ideas about your fucked health. whatever, fuckem.

ill get two custodians now to take care of my legal and whatnot business.
also gonna try to get pension, chances are very high i will, but itll only be close to 1000usd. still enough to take the fucking edge off and stop this being a battle for food and rent. shits making us all sick!!!
also,first saw a psychiatrist who was actually understanding, who FUCKING LISTENED, who didnt judge me for my polytoxicomania, who didnt mistrust me or tried to tell me i am sick and i have to get on meds. "You are sick." "You need to seek treatment" "You need to understand that you are sick." It's all a big fucking misunderstanding, schizophrenia is. Ofc we are sick, but its only physiological to become sick under sickening circumstances. when will we learn to pull through this shit together instead of fucking each other whereever we can, gain some imagined advantage over the next peoples, the neighbour, the borther. i guess hope cant be given up. i for my part owe it to my daughter and ill make sure im always aware of the guilt that i laid upon me by laying upon her the burden of life in a dystopic concrete hell with all its lies of blinking lights leading you away from living life.

right - olanzapine. hooray for lilly. i love you guys, tight lab work there. i am listening to music (from external sources! lol!) again. i still havent slept last night (2nd day on it now), but i feel so much better. much of the ocd pressure is gone, that was the worst bit. 4h till i manage to leave the house, i used to be so punctual... i havet picked at scabs on my head like the evil motherfucker in texas chainaw massacre 2 does. hopefully itll get a chance to heal now. im havent cut away any tissue, real or imagined, human or mycogenic. the scissors are lying over in the bathroom. fuck people if they look at me in diguist. im just as disgusted. we better be disgusted at the shits thats going down. i really wish we can see some fair play in this world sometime soon. i havent turnt on tv for 8 years, havent read a newspaper easy. the air down here is heavy enough as it is, pulsing with the pain of 10 billion tortured souls, like pigs aiming for the feeder desperately climbing on top the hills of corpses of former kinmen, reaching out for the gold and fortune buried deep underneith. god how can people take it? i dont know what to think, should should i pity em? surely not, cause its me whos watching his bcak so i wont be cured by a 1000 volts being sent through my aching brain. should i envy them? fuck no! hate em? rewind. think again.

http://tinyurl.com/ZyprexaInterface (for the few germans out there, i doubt theres anything comparable on english, havent found anything :/ its about drug design, art, being made crazy and being made sane by the same forth, interfaces for your creativity. pretty colorful stuff. :D )


its funny how schizophrenia has always been fascinating to me, ive read countless articles and even 2 whole books about it. my best friend is full blown disorgnaized/paranoid schizo, but they eventually got his ass on depot shots (risperdal?) so he can do real well for himself, deliver that mail on time like the good boy that he is. i used to see every cell of his body emit glowing examples of artistic, but now... art? whats that? all this wasted human potential sunk into keeping the silver wheels of anguish spinning and before you can say "personality" flesh has turnt to dust, or rather turnt into another hand full of coins in the pockets of someone who just isnt needing anymore of it. besides, who needs all that fucking mail anymore?!?!?

speaking of coins, that was the first notion i got about the disease. imagining us being change in the pockets of some ignoratn fuck trying to slide em all through the same slot so they can buy his cigarettes. what one isnt fitting!? beat it down until it does and be surprised about it getting stuck. i for my part shouldve never gone to school with everyone else, however arrogant that might sound, surely theres soldiers out there, ive never been one of em and no good has come of trying to turn me into one.
most psychotics is just as "sick" as the runaway kid who got beaten and violated by his dad is a "rascal". if any schizos read this, im not blaming you for not sharing my reality. it stinks. maybe this was easy sometime in the past when there werent 10bio of us trying to find common grounds. its not making any sense, "sense" is just as ephemeral a concept as "justice" is. im all for both dont get me wrong, but they just arent as static as i used to think.


anyway, whoops ive been ranting again lol. sorry guys, starting the third day again. sleeps gonna be orgasmic. btw im starting to think this is a good thing. im willing to keep myself functioning with the meds to be able to care for suki, i might get relief from stress through this. a whole lot actually. it might backfire, we will see. my dad has for the first time ever started to realize what communication is made of, it surel aint exchange of science and politics babble. not blaming him, it just feels good to see i have a family, two parents who care; a daughter who will love me past death, with lots of reciprocal support between her mum and me and finally, a single close friend who really doesnt give a shit. oh righ, and psychiatry had a few surprises for me as well, it was lovely. i actually went out manic, but thats probably cause he basically applied for being allow to treat me (with psychoitherapy and meds,m the latter of which we have both worked out together.)

now, all of a sudden life is fine again. a heartbreaker. the deeper fortune buries us underneith her blanket of darkness, the brighter the lights carried by our loved ones making their way through to us seem.

agaian, excuse the rant, i dont expect anyone to read through half of it. i dont think i ever have myself.

oh and if anyone ever needs someone to listen to her absurd ideas of grandiosity, im here for full support. im a very bad listener, but a great supporter. those have always been the only situations where ive really shown an initiative - strengthening someones idea, before he himself has dared to accept its validity. still makes me happy as a log to see one of my best friends kickstart his life of over-the-top success, ofc id never tell him i feel responsible for it LOL, but still. warm and fuzzy seeing him achieve so much after risking everything, finally paying off the last debt. 98% of people will tear down any of those wonderfully comforting palaces of dreams you built up before youve even had the chance to get a pen and paper for the concept - with a giant fucking crane made of scepsis, barriers, pessimism, envy and fear of loss.

fcuk em and hold onto your dreams. ill go code the shit out of the new language im learning now - assembler (not so new lol). if anyone has crazy ideas about coding drop me a line, ive really been getting somewhere in the past six months, being left alone by blizzard and having supporters or having none of that. jsut cant let these shits who only mean good with me dominate MY fucking reality. and im so fucking glad i have psychosis to block em off now without needing to reason on their level. yesssss

 

[crOOk]

thanks for that link, ive been looking for something like that.most sites had tons of depression info and very little about the type of self neglecting, self destructive mania. hard to relate.its hard to relate to the inner duality already, but ill see what sorta people ill find there. id love to find a good forum for schizos too, ive really been enjoying (some of) the positive symptoms a lot.
oh and little penguin? lol you gotta be referring to little ms pissinherpants, right?

I can tell you how much I love that child. Thinking about her for a split second and my nose will start running, eyes will start watering. Thinking about her having just an ounce of pain rips me to pieces. And god do I feel guilty... ill forever be indebted to her. well at least shes gonna have parents who know her pain, i hope thats gonna be worth more than than having none of the pain at all. I wanna make it for another 30yrs now!!! Gotta learn to slow down and enjoy the scenery though. All that speed has really been a mixed bag lol. God what the fuck was I thinking? Studying medicine of all subjects I couldve chosen?! Goin on speed so I could turn my mind into a machine? FUCK THAT! Math will do the same for me anyway, Ive been saying I dont wanna study math for 15 years because I sensed itd "turn me insane". Ive always thought of this as a ridiculos notion, but here I am, not even 2 months into coding and I go full-blown psychotic. Is the next surprise already waiting around the corner to take us to a hell unimagined before? Or can things make a turn for the good? I've used to believe the former is a universal truth, but the past month have shown me that things arent always what they seem. Just cause something looks like shit, smells like shit and everyones telling you its shit, doesnt mean it cant taste delightful. Im just hoping depression isnt getting the best of me and things are gonna be fine.

And again people, I really wanna stress this. This really is the ONLY place Ive ever found online (mostly TDS) where the bulk of members really "share" their feelings, their fears and hopes, opposed to jsut present them. Im not always too good at that it seems, but im trying. I cant say its always managed to build me up, but if any virtual realm place had a chance than it was this one, so with all sincerity:

THANK YOU!

 

[herbavore]

^ I can see why you cry whenever you think of her--she is adorable! that picture makes me so happy! As an art teacher for children I get to see that beautiful focus and magic that happens when children do art every day. The freedom they bring to creation is so inspiring. before the critical voice inside starts rearing its dangerous head, a paintbrush in a preschooler's hand is a divine thing. i often think that the whole reason I teach in an elementary school is too urge the kids to fight the voice inside that says, "I can't". You will never see that from a 2-4 year old. They should be the art teachers LOL!

 

[crOOk]

My daughter has actually been saying "I can't" a lot, but I try to show her there's always a way if you want to and won't offer help before she's tried whatever it is. :D I never knew I'd love children so much, until I was 22 I kept saying I'd never want to have any. Then I started working in a PT praxis for children and my heart just melted away. They loved the beard lol. I was really afraid they could somehow see through me and see whatever darkness lies beneith the covers. Boy was I wrong (about the first part of that sentence lol).
Thanks again for your mail herb, days haven't been very kind. The psychiatrist turns out to be just another doctor who considers it extremely important that I take my meds and who can't stress it enough without me ever giving him the idea that I wouldn't be taking them.
And whatever I said about being happy to be psychotic - FUCK THAT! I feel like a fucking alien out there. As if I'd stumble over my own feet. When you're poor there's always gonna be one or the other person looking at you in disgust, but I can live with that (it's usually reciprocal), but now people just... I don't know I get some weird vibes. I guess they're confused as to my presence oir something, maybe I felt some pity-rays pierce me, too. I move very clumsily and my IQ must at least 10-15 points lower. I guess I gotta listen to the doc, reading what happens to hebephrenic and/or manic patients if they don't isn't really cheering me up too much. Especially when you can see every element manifesting already. E.g. not wanting anyone around me, not even wanting to talk on the phone.

Argh "why" the fuck is this shit happening?! I guess turning my head towards the illusion of causality as the ultimate truth for answers isn't going to make me much wiser.

So how do I handle it then? Anyone? My theory is something along the lines of... Soul can't take pain. Soul screams for relief. Either bring relief by finding someone who will listen to those screams and try to develope an udnerstanding for them or just go on with business, shut soul up with neuroleptics and hope for time to pass by quickly. I should be about half way there. If the former can be accomplished, then who could that someone be? Me? The omnipotent god-concept? My family? A lover? Fuck lol that book is probably closed until I find a new body to occupy or a new plane of existance or some fucking relief.

I haven't seen my daughter in over ten days. This feels awful. Once before we were apart for a week, because she was on vacation, but this must feel like fucking hell to her as well. We explained I was sick with a skin infection that she actually saw. She seems to be perfectly fine with it, but that's exactly why I'm worried she's hurting a lot. I know her ways to deal with pain all too well. And I know how much she depends on my presence at least 2-3 times per week, she's fragile, volatile, reacting to every but of drop in affection, no matter how subtle.

Again, thanks herbie, I really appreciate someone going out of his way to look at my misery. Never been too big on seeking pity before (attention yes, pity though), but I'm very close to just screaming out for someone to please fucking listen and help me. I wanna see someone smile at me or at least see people smile at each other... This is starting to feel so dark, I can feel the weight crushing down. I was told that'd happen eventually.

I'll just sleep now and it'll be fine. Just stick to the Olanzapine! I skipped this morning, god knows why. Maybe cause I sensed my soul was being eaten by it lol.


I had a very good, perma-cheerful drug-free understanding friend over who's been through more shit than I can imagine. He brought a very laid back friend, they were bringing food, drinks and presented a kick-ass completely legit coding project to me. I had been withdrawing from my friends for almost 6 months (!!!) and they were preparing for a good time, but I decided to kinda sorta kick them out after a cpl hours. That is SO NOT me.

On the plus side: I'm getting closer to my 2000th post. Yay Fiesta!