I'm sorry but that's not how my relationships work. I don't own anyone. I love with detachment. If my partner wants to go out and fuck someone else, then they're a free agent in a free world to do so. But that's because my partner and I have established that this is acceptable behaviour.
Who said
anything about ownership? Also, what makes you think that the rest of the world is hip to your polyamorous preferences? I hate to break it to you, but that's just not how most people (including, I suspect, the OP) go about their long-term relationships. I sure hope that you don't think of everyone who considers monogamy important in their relationships to be 'possessive.' Different strokes, I guess. Just know that your strokes are unusual compared to most others'.
You seem to gloss over the fact that the OP is exhibiting stalking behaviour. I would lie to a stalker regardless if he has the arbitrary title of "my boyfriend". You don't fucking follow me while I'm at a friend's place for 4 hours and wait to catch me doing something wrong so you can jump out from behind a bush and shout "aha!"
But that was precisely my point re. the Law & Order analogy. What you're saying sounds extremely childish. If someone exhibits a pathological pattern of possessive/controlling/stalking behavior, then they're clearly not worthy of knowing where you are or what you're doing in the first place, and you're certainly justified in lying to them, etc. But if, as Josh claimed, this behavior was highly unusual and was brought about by a singular gut-type feeling, there's really no reason for the girlfriend to be such a recalcitrant snot as you make yourself out to be.
Lying does not prove guilt, it just means there is not full disclosure happening. I think the reason for THAT is far more important than the lie itself.
I fully agree. But shifting even part of the blame onto the OP is unjustifiable and strange. If he's telling the truth (re. the stalking behavior being a one-off thing), I still see no good reason to write the whole incident off as being even partly his fault. His girlfriend lied; he discovered this; he confronted her; she balked. Ergo, the OP's discovery of her lie, while questionable in its methods, is utterly damning for the girlfriend. In my opinion, unless she can come up something resembling a damn good answer, she's not deserving of the OP's further attentions.
I wouldn't take his word for it. Paranoid, borderline, stalker behaviour is pathological. Possessiveness by definition is claiming ownership over someone's existence by demanding full disclosure of their activities at all times. Relationships based on unconditional love don't exhibit such behaviours.
Well that's just it - his word is all we have to go on. Unless you've been stalking the OP. 8)
The fact that you can't even appreciate the other side of this argument shows your ignorance in full. You've obviously never dealt with an overly possessive partner before.
This isn't about sides. I'm not on the OP's side because I identify with him in specific. The situation is unambiguous. Going by his word, he and his former girlfriend were in a reasonably stable, long-term, monogamous relationship. She violated his trust. You're trying to defend the liar and the cheater by invoking the 'due process' argument (viz., "How dare you stalk me, now it's not my fault that I lied to you, you're so possessive, blahblahblah"), which is, in my book, one hell of a stretch and a guilty, childish cop-out if I've ever seen one. Again, going by the OP's word, there isn't much left to be said by anyone else. You're trying admirably hard to make this situation into something it's not.
After asking her repeatedly (cuz she didn't want to answer my q / was silent) she fessed up, and said she was out with another guy. They met at a wedding that I couldn't attend, as I frequently travel for work. When I asked what they ultimately did she wouldn't say, but she said they didn't fuck. So I'm thinking BJ and / or heavy petting at least, but in the end honestly I don't know. She was really really really appealing to me, as she felt that she made a huge mistake. She wanted me, not this other guy. She tried to explain this over and over again over about an hour an a half on the phone.
Ultimately, she lied. She fessed up after about a week about being with someone else, sex or not. So - she's clearly a liar & cheater. I travel a lot for work (just a few days here, few days there.... never more than 3-4 days I'm away in 2 weeks or so total). So I need to be able to trust my partner COMPLETELY, as it's the easiest thing in the world to cheat when you have a house free, I would think.
There you go, Foreigner. This pretty much says it all.
I ended it then and there, despite her attempts to "fix" it. It's weird.... cuz I thought I'd feel sad, but I actually feel a little relieved. But, at the same time I still can't help feel like these 3 years have been such a waste. I've got time I suppose.... I'm still 28.
Good choice, man. You've got time, you've still got all that
$$$, you still have (I hope) your health, etc., and there are plenty of other fish in the sea, one door closes another door opens, blah blah blah.
