Junky to Sober Behaviors , Help ?

[Quantz]

I mainly registered today to see if anyone could share some experiences / input on this topic .

I've been clean from a 5 year Opiate run for 10 months now , I feel the PAWS passed a few months ago as much of the depression has lifted , although i still have my f*cking social anxiety pretty badly.
Well anyway , I've noticed that although I'm not , and haven't been using for a decent chunk of time now ( not much compared to the time I've been using though , I know ).

And mediating earlier , I kind of got myself stuck in a thought loop of how I haven't improved much as a person , I guess you could say . I still find myself doing shady things that i HATE about myself.. I still try to weasel money from people , I'll still check purses for money when they're left unattended , still ask to use the bathroom first thing when I arrive at a new house to raid the medicine cabinet .
I don't even want drugs , i don't need money , yet it's still like.. auto-pilot I do these things . One of the only reasons I think i do this , are these things in them selves are almost like a high / adrenaline rush . I get focus'd and tunnel vision , hyper alert , move like a fucking ninja .

Do any of you guys still find your self doing things your rational mind HATES , yet it's just an impulse you give into ?
Much like getting a text from a dope dealer saying new fire hmu , and you just say fuck - it even though you don't want to use ?

Do you think these type of behaviors are just inherently the type of person you are ? Or habits gained through years of being around types of people that do these things , and have done them yourself for years ?

Just doing things I know are wrong are much an addiction in itself .. I dono , any input?

 

[Serotonin101]

I still do half the stuff you do minus the checking purses. I still check medicine cabinets, check the security of bathroom door locks, rate bathrooms in my head based on "junkie effectiveness" scale, etc. Old habits die hard. We have a similar history and close in clean time (4 yr habit, 9.5 months clean). But i attend NA and HA (heroin anonymous) meetings often to help me reintegrate into society better. If you go to NA the reading says "we didnt become addicted in one day so remember easy does (but do it)" which is in reference to striving for progress and not perfection. We use for a lot longer than we have been clean so these "survival instincts" are still fresh and lingering in our minds. Youre not the only one my friend. So on that note, i need $2 for bus fare and can i use your bathroom?

 

[Quantz]

Lmao , my bathroom is the LAST bathroom on earth you'd want to look in for narcotics haha . You're right though I just need to be more.."mindful " as they call it , I'm way too impulsive . I was going to NA for about a month after I got out of rehab , and stopped . Right around the same time I stopped taking Zoloft , hm . Never actually considered that maybe being a contributing factor of maybe why I didn't feel like going anymore . Too bad I couldn't take it again , made my jaw clench harder than a gram of molly , and made me an insomniac like I was on a meth binge .toxic stuff those blue footballs .. well.. the SSRI ones 8) . I've never heard of HA , I'm a bit curious now . Although most NA meetings might have well been Heroin anon. anyway . Thanks for answerin

 

[Serotonin101]

No prob. I had the same reactions to zoloft in the past. I actually chipped a tooth from clenching so hard. But as you said, just try to be mindful of your behaviors. As long as its not contributing to using or hurting anyone, your little "tics" should be alright for now.

 

[ArtVandalay]

every time I pass an empty ziplock baggie when I skate, I stop to investigate.

 

[sickofthisshiz]

No these are learned behaviors. I didn't have a shady bone in my body until l became an addict. Don't you remember in the beginning how it was kind of scary to cop or use drugs in public etc...but by the end they are just part of everyday life?

 

[opium]

No these are learned behaviors. I didn't have a shady bone in my body until l became an addict. Don't you remember in the beginning how it was kind of scary to cop or use drugs in public etc...but by the end they are just part of everyday life?

Damn man are you right haha.. when i first started to use id be scared as hell to do anything shady in public, then it became a normal thing to cop my fix in a classroom during school...
But yeah quantz, after i started using i became a liar, and i stole, and those things just never seem to leave you..its like an unwanted skill set you seem to pick up being an addict..you can lie your way out and of anything, and steal anything not tied down..something that you'll always know how to go about wanted or not

 

[sickofthisshiz]

Or you know when you're with people who are new to the game and you'll say be getting high in your car and they keep looking over their shoulder and shit...and you have to tell em to knock it off cause they're busting you out by acting shady? Lolz sometimes you just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all...

 

[opium]

not glorifying the usage cause its bad...but hahah the good ol days..

 

[Quantz]

Or you know when you're with people who are new to the game and you'll say be getting high in your car and they keep looking over their shoulder and shit...and you have to tell em to knock it off cause they're busting you out by acting shady? Lolz sometimes you just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all...

Lol forreal , I nodded out and hit a parked car, totalled my shit . I hopped out , RIGHT hooked my side view mirror off and threw it in the bushes and told the cops i got side swiped and pushed into the car and that it was a hit and run , i said it was a beige car since I had beige paint from ACTUALLY being sideswiped by a beige car . Junky Logic . Said my back hurt and got 20 valium at the hospital and got off scott-free . Never couldve pulled off something so slick if I wasn't a druggie .. And I fucking hate when people nervously look around over shoulder and shit , makes you loook 100x more suspicious .

 

[sickofthisshiz]

That's pretty epic! Lol!

 

[alleycat4714]

Quantz,
I think about the same thing myself. I've been, for the most part, stabilized on Subs for awhile, but still lie and instinctively hide things from people. I don't believe that anyone is just "born bad," rather it's behavior we pick up over the years to support our lifestyles. Just as it takes time to develop habits, it also takes some time to change those behaviors as well. I think it's more beneficial to focus on the "small victories" as they come and chart your progress over the long-term, otherwise you're in for a lot of kicking your own ass. Nobody is perfect, right?

 

[Quantz]

Quantz,
I think about the same thing myself. I've been, for the most part, stabilized on Subs for awhile, but still lie and instinctively hide things from people. I don't believe that anyone is just "born bad," rather it's behavior we pick up over the years to support our lifestyles. Just as it takes time to develop habits, it also takes some time to change those behaviors as well. I think it's more beneficial to focus on the "small victories" as they come and chart your progress over the long-term, otherwise you're in for a lot of kicking your own ass. Nobody is perfect, right?

Exactly. Im moving to florida with 100$ in my pocket and 2 suitcases and no plan at all haha . wish me luck . I have no idea what I'm going to do , no where to stay so i better find a job or a roomate quick or I'm gunna be homeless , but I'm excited for the change and whatever surprises await me .

EDI : tomorrow morning by the way . So i probably wont be on BL again for a while until I get situated , whenever that happens .

 

[szuko000]

Exactly. Im moving to florida with 100$ in my pocket and 2 suitcases and no plan at all haha . wish me luck . I have no idea what I'm going to do , no where to stay so i better find a job or a roomate quick or I'm gunna be homeless , but I'm excited for the change and whatever surprises await me .

EDI : tomorrow morning by the way . So i probably wont be on BL again for a while until I get situated , whenever that happens .

Sounds reckless but hey you only live once. I hope this plan does not back fire on you. Try to work at a hotel you might get a discounted room.

 

[Quantz]

Sounds reckless but hey you only live once. I hope this plan does not back fire on you. Try to work at a hotel you might get a discounted room.

I'm too determined to have it backfire , A hotel sounds like a good idea . I'm clean cut and arrogant or not , very good looking , I get asked if I model all the time so I have no problem getting front desk type interacting with people type jobs since I apparently make the store look good , but I need to keep brainstorming , if any other ideas of what to do and where to go , please feel free ,

It's reckless , but who on BL isn't hhaa and I really have no choice , so I NEED to make it work . YOLO right? haha . Just once I get off the plane I'm going to be like ... err.. now what haha

 

[Serotonin101]

Please dont ever say YOLO ever again... . Best of luck to you man. At least its warmer down there so you can tolerate the weather outside.

 

[NomNomNom]

I'd highly recommend an NA meeting for you. Where i'm at this is a frequent topic of discussion. Don't forget....'they got jail cells for CLEAN addicts too!'. Another NA sound bite..."you do what you do, you get what you get"...IMO it's only a matter of time before those behaviors catch up with you, make you feel like shit, and make you want to get high.

It's great that you want to change those behaviors, a lot of the addicts i've encountered are forever clean and crazy...one kid i know was 2 years clean, sponsoring someone new who relapsed and started shooting speedballs again, and was buying stolen merch from the kid/supporting his habit. When he was told this was wrong it was as though it didn't process in his mind that he shouldn't be doing this.

 

[NomNomNom]

^The key is that there's a world of difference between abstinence and RECOVERY. Recovery involves reforming the actual person you are (the autopilot instincts to do wrong) so that you can be and feel like a happy, healthy, productive member of society.

That being said, keep it at friendly hello and take your time getting to know people in NA if you choose to go...it can be a minefield of broken souls.

 

[opium]

yeah not everyone in NA or AA is really there to help themselves. Careful with that shit. Some people use na and aa to deal, as bad as that is, theres some logic to it. i got re-hooked on pills at an AA meeting..ironic?

and good luck with your plan man, sometimes change can be the best thing for you. if i was older i wouldve moved a long time ago, away from everything and start fresh.

 

[Vaya]

^The key is that there's a world of difference between abstinence and RECOVERY. Recovery involves reforming the actual person you are (the autopilot instincts to do wrong) so that you can be and feel like a happy, healthy, productive member of society.

Gret point, NomNomNom. As they say, getting clean is one thing; staying clean (or living sober is a whole other ballpark, but a fascinatingly important one!

In my life, I've had to encounter -and ultimately accept - the reality that the addiction was " ...but a symptom" of the larger issue. It was me that needed reforming! I was absolutely blind to that fact for my entire life. Until recent circumstances forcibly coerced me into acceptance.

A blessing, but a heartily disguised one. Uncovering it took much effort and, to be frank, pain. And I'm still going through the process. But every day, I become more and more grateful.

I tell you this - truly loving myself has been one of the most difficult endeavors I have ever embarked upon.

I really wish you well.



~ Vaya