The life and times of cyrusblake

[Seanjay]

Recently, I relapsed on heroin and began smoking crack as well

I've been a drug user for the past five or six years & an intravenous opiate/stimulant user for the past three

I've had stints of sobriety: my freshman year of college I was clean, and I was clean for a month at my new school, but recently relapsed when I went home for mid-semester break (in NYC). Well I'm back at school, dope sick and thankful for that disgusting orange pill of a savior called suboxone.

But I can't do this forever. Every time I go to NYC I manage to relapse. I titrate my dose of subs down until I jump off, stay totally clean here, then go to NYC and do some feelgood work like volunteer at a shelter to keep my mind off during my academic breaks, but this time ended up copping a bag on my lunchbreak and being too incapacitated to work.

I'm more worried about the crack than dope now, because I know I can get high with minimal withdrawals and it is so short lasting blowing inordinate amounts of cash on it is common. But the dope is still a problem, to be sure.

The main difficulty is my neighborhood - I live in the South Bronx, and getting drugs is as easy as walking into my apartment complex. It's actually unavoidable to witness a transaction taking place when entering the building.

I don't want to be on suboxone all the time, but it seems it may be the only viable option while in NYC. Still, that won't keep me from smoking crack, so I need another plan of action.

Recently I was also hit with the news of the death of an influential friend of mine, (f13nd on bluelight). He was my reason for trying for a good amount of time, he went to a good university, he was intelligent, he influenced what I study at university now. R.I.P. With him gone I feel less motivated to get anything done because he was my muse, gave me a lust for life and now he's gone. Though I am glad I had the chance to meet him.



TL;DR - What is a good mental exercise to prevent relapse while in triggering circumstances?

 

[sickofthisshiz]

I totally feel you on this one...l have a pattern of being clean for a few weeks and then relapsing so that l go through withdrawals again. It sounds like you're doing well with the keeping busy which is a huge deal. It's just so hard. Just try to take it one day at a time and remind yourself of all the reasons you don't want to use. Hopefully it gets easier for both of us

 

[opium]

I totally feel you on this one...l have a pattern of being clean for a few weeks and then relapsing so that l go through withdrawals again. It sounds like you're doing well with the keeping busy which is a huge deal. It's just so hard. Just try to take it one day at a time and remind yourself of all the reasons you don't want to use. Hopefully it gets easier for both of us

Congrats on you both for taking steps in the right direction.

Now im a user myself, but i had a span of 6 month sobriety. What i did then was i took up a sport, which was basketball..now i love basketball, but they have random drug tests..so that was always in the back of my mind thatd i lose something that i loved. i also worked out and got a pretty good muscle tone going, not to brag haha, but there was nothing worse than taking all that time to work out, then lose everything just to go back on drugs. Thats what got me through my six months. Then i moved away from friends, and some shit happened in my life that threw me off the wagon..so maybe my process would of worked but i could never know

 

[herbavore]

OP, it sounds to me like you are still in that middle territory where you are still able to go to school and pursue your goals etc so maybe you can too easily convince yourself that you can use without it destroying your life. But you made this post and you do know deep inside that you are on a trajectory that will ultimately lead to disaster. So, in answer to your question--what can you do to avoid using in triggering situations I think it comes down to one major change psychologically and then many, many practical strategies can be worked out to support that change. You have to get honest with yourself and look at a way bigger picture of your life than just the short term. What do you want it to look like? There is so much we can't control on the road but we can at least decide which bus we're going to climb on!

Give yourself the talk. Tell yourself that whenever the voice for instant gratification comes up you are going to challenge it. And then have your mental challenge ready to use. The more you talk back to that voice, the stronger the new voice becomes. Good luck.

And Opium, use that 6 months knowledge to tell yourself that you know what worked and you can choose to implement it again when you are ready. Life got hard and it was early, so you fell off your routine, but that doesn't mean that you have to see it as failure. It's all about getting to that place of resolve. Sometimes it gets overpowered by circumstances but each time that happens, you learn something. Keep at it--you'll get back there and be stronger than ever.

 

[opium]

heravore, your probably one of the nicest people ive seen on this forum haha
ive seen on so many posts, no matter what someone says, you have a way of saying something nice to make that person feel good about their situation.
Thank you

 

[herbavore]

Recently I was also hit with the news of the death of an influential friend of mine, (f13nd on bluelight). He was my reason for trying for a good amount of time, he went to a good university, he was intelligent, he influenced what I study at university now. R.I.P. With him gone I feel less motivated to get anything done because he was my muse, gave me a lust for life and now he's gone. Though I am glad I had the chance to meet him.

You could become for others what he was for you. That would be the best way to honor his life. I often think this way about my mom. She is still with me thank heavens but I am always worrying about when she will not be (she's 83) because she is my hero. I just can't imagine not having her to turn to for advice, a shot in the arm of positivity and her eternal optimism. I think that the only way I will be able to deal with the hole she leaves is to try to fill it myself so I am actively trying to become more of what I admire in her. It sounds like your friend was inspiring in that way to you. There is no reason that you cannot grow to fill that role yourself.