I regret the last year of my life.

[Dave A]

I'm new here. I've lurked around the site for a long time mostly reading trip reports because there is a lot of well written and entertaining posts. I really just feel like I needed a place to get most of this off of my chest without being harshly judged and hopefully get some advice. I'm not entirely sure that this section of the forums is the right one for me but I am in a "dark place" right now. Sadly, I'm to afraid to talk about this with family members or friends. I do apologize if this is a long ramble, and I certainly appreciate anyone who takes any time out to read it.

I suffer with opiate addiction and I feel like its cost me the only thing I've ever cared about. My addiction has been on and off but it started about 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer at the young age of 19. I originally took them only for the pain but soon realized how happy they made me even while going through my chemotherapy. I could easily take 2 pills and all the pain would go away. Almost as if I'd completely forget I even had cancer. Getting them was always easy, after all I did legitimately have pain. I was just never warned about how addictive these things can actually be.

Soon my cancer was in remission and I no longer had a need or a way to get pills. I soon realized how mentally addictive they can be and how thankful I was to not be able to find them again. Unfortunately that didn't last forever.. After being opiate free for an entire year someone started working at my job who could "help me". It started off where I'd only get 2 from him on the days I worked to take the edge off from working 12-14 hour shifts. That only lasted so long before I started seeing him more and more and before I knew it I was seeing him every day.

On September 11th, 2011 I made one of the worst decisions of my life. I took these pills and drove home from work on my motorcycle. At 3 am I flipped my motorcycle going up a gigantic hill at 40mph by my house. I was high, and careless. I felt invincible up until the point where I drew a blank on how to correct my bike... all I had to do was pull the clutch but I was to high to realize it at the time. I broke my arm, tore my rotator cuff, gave myself a concusion and have scars on my arms and legs from deep road rash I suffered.

Pain? Remorse? Regret? Of course not. Now I had doctors throwing more pain killers at me again because once again, I needed them right!? It wasn't until recently that I realized how thankful I should be that not only am I alive but that I managed not to hurt anyone else while acting so stupid. But again, I only focused on the drugs and never once thought about anyone else or the damage I'd end up doing to those who I care so much about.

No regret story is fulfilled without a love story and mine has one. Shortly after my accident I reconnected with an old friend who I had a crush on when I was 17. She was the girl I'd dream of having but didn't have the confidence at the time to get.

We started dating, the entire time I continued to take my little pills thinking my life was perfect but little did I know... Everything was fine for awhile. We both cared about each other, we were happy together, we did the stupidest possible things together while staring at each other and smiling like idiots. We made eachother better people but most importantly we both accepted the other completely. I thought I knew what love was before but I clearly had no idea.

The pills went from making me happy to making me short tempered. I'd explode and start arguments over meaningless things with her. I tried to justify myself every time, making sure I couldn't possibly blame the little pills which only made me happy right? Wrong. She eventually broke up with me because "she couldn't take me exploding over things anymore" after giving me oh so, so, so many chances. She never knew about my addiction. I never told her. I denied it of course but looking back she was completely right. Comparing any other girl I've been with before or have came across since falls miles and miles short. She will probably forever be my "one who got away"

The few months that followed to now have been my darkest. I used more and more pills to hide any emotional feelings that I actually had. I did a lot of regrettable things to get a hold of pain meds. Thinking about them as I write this up makes me sick to my stomach. The hurt I've put others through without realizing what I was doing and while being selfish the entire time makes me want to vomit.

As I sit here and write this I am currently 3 days clean. Its been extremely hard but the withdrawls aren't whats killing me.. Physically at least. Mentally I know how easy it would be to take a few more and not think about any of this for the next for hours.

What is killing me though is all the regret I've buried deep down and hid inside myself these last for years. The regret of what I've done to my family, my friends, and to my ex. I can only sit here in tears as I write all of this and wonder how different things would have been if I didn't ever pick the habit back up again. I can't help but wonder how great things could have been with my ex. After all.... losing her because of my addiction is what has hurt me the worst. In ways I'd never have imagined.

If anyone reads this I really, really appreciate it. I know most of it is probably just rambling but I really felt like I needed to get this all off of my chest and anonymously seems like the best choice for me. Advice? Support? Anything? I'll listen to it all. I appreciate the time you've given me. Thank you.

 

[tripnotyzm]

We all make mistakes in our lives dude. I think the way you acted is pretty excusable.. Drug addictions can turn people in to turds, but if you make a life change and get clean, your loved ones will see an improvement over time.
Sorry to hear about your old partner. But this a very valuable lesson for you. I had to learn the hard way also bro, so you are not in this alone.
Just remember to stay strong. Opiates will only continue to disappoint you.

 

[Dave A]

Thanks for your support. I feel a little better since writing this which is always nice.

 

[tripnotyzm]

That's good, you should check in to The Dark Side more often
Talking about problems like this can release lots of pressure.

 

[DooMMooD]

"Rolling about in the muck is not the best way of getting clean"

What this means is, obsessing over your past is not the best way of getting over it. Get all that emotion out there and move on if you can. If you sit wallowing in pity and regret....your mood will not change, feel me?

Cry, get it out. Accept the horrible shit you have done, be remorseful, but nothing more. Do not stew in regret forever otherwise you will never move on and grow.

You sound identical to one of my close friends man.....leukemia at 19, motorcycle, everything down to a T pretty much. And hes at an Ivy league school now. You can do it: you can move on and grow. Trust me on this one.

 

[Pagey]

As trip said, we all make mistakes, and there's no point in regretting them afterwards - what's done is done. You just need to find a way to move forward from all that now rather than being stuck by it. It's difficult that your addiction tore you and your girlfriend apart but, and trust me on this one, there will be other girls Dave. You don't need to blame yourself from it. Like thousands and thousands of other people, you succumbed to pills that made you feel good and that led you to making some wrong decisions. But those decisions have been made and there's no point lingering on them. Move on from that girl, focus on being good to your family/friends/whoever you may have hurt now without concentrating on your past mistakes.

 

[herbavore]

Cry, get it out. Accept the horrible shit you have done, be remorseful, but nothing more. Do not stew in regret forever otherwise you will never move on and grow.

DooM said it best. It is a delicate dance acknowledging honestly all that you did that you regret and not getting stuck in guilt, or worse, undermining any self improvement by thinking negatively about yourself. It takes courage to admit that you hurt another person. I give you a lot of credit for that but now it is time to learn how carry that part of your past lightly. Sometimes we convince ourselves that we need to continually be punished by guilt or we are not truly remorseful. Remorse and guilt are two different things.

The best thing that you can do for yourself is also the best thing you can do for anyone you hurt: recover and heal. A healthy man that is introspective enough to admit personal responsibility and yet can forgive himself is where you have your compass pointed now and that should be what you continually come back to if you feel yourself losing you way forward. You have survived so much already; that strength is all you need. Just focus it.

 

[Dave A]

It's amazing how people I've never met can offer me such amazing advice and perspective. It really means a lot to me that you all took time out to help me. Since making this I woke up today and felt so much better about everything. It feels so nice to get all of this out. I've started to remember how happy I was before ever getting addicted and I'm going to strive to get that feeling back. All of your encouraging advice has really hit my heart. I'll be hanging around here for quite awhile, not only to take but to give help to anyone who I can. Thank you.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Keep a diary

If writing this helped you out there must be a lot more from where that came.

 

[kookiekaren]

Dave A -
I am really sorry to hear about your CA at such a young age and the drugs and the accident. As far as the CA - where there is life there is hope. My mother God Bless her has been batteling ovarian CA for 12 years now. She is 82 and currently in remission. She still does a lot and has a very active life style. She went through the whole 9 yards of debulking, chemo, radiation, losing her hair and 6 years ago losing my beloved Father. She has to take tons of pills - but she does what she has to do to stay out of pain and still function. I would say to try not to be so hard on yourself and gently re-build your relationships when you can, and don't push it. You HAVE been through an awful lot. As far as the accident - that is a terrible thing, but you didn't get killed and you didn't hurt anyone else - which is really huge. I know you got hurt, but you are alive, and so is everyone else. I understand the thing about losing your temper more often, but gee whizz - that certainly is to be expected. After taking opiates for many years along with other things, I find that my emotional reaction to a lot of things is to get angry and yell at people I love. I used to be a really giving person, but lately I feel sort of detatched from my emotions (the loving part) and it is weird for me. I am just kinda going with it. I am getting a lot of things done, and functioning well, but the zest for life - sometimes I don't find the real meaning. But as far as YOU - You are young and have gone through a lot, so just be a little bit easier on yourself and give yourself some slack. Look at it as if someone else was Dave A and posted that. Would you judge him? I don't think you would. I know I am not judging Dave A for making a couple of mistakes.
Karen

 

[Dave A]

Dave A -
I am really sorry to hear about your CA at such a young age and the drugs and the accident. As far as the CA - where there is life there is hope. My mother God Bless her has been batteling ovarian CA for 12 years now. She is 82 and currently in remission. She still does a lot and has a very active life style. She went through the whole 9 yards of debulking, chemo, radiation, losing her hair and 6 years ago losing my beloved Father. She has to take tons of pills - but she does what she has to do to stay out of pain and still function. I would say to try not to be so hard on yourself and gently re-build your relationships when you can, and don't push it. You HAVE been through an awful lot. As far as the accident - that is a terrible thing, but you didn't get killed and you didn't hurt anyone else - which is really huge. I know you got hurt, but you are alive, and so is everyone else. I understand the thing about losing your temper more often, but gee whizz - that certainly is to be expected. After taking opiates for many years along with other things, I find that my emotional reaction to a lot of things is to get angry and yell at people I love. I used to be a really giving person, but lately I feel sort of detatched from my emotions (the loving part) and it is weird for me. I am just kinda going with it. I am getting a lot of things done, and functioning well, but the zest for life - sometimes I don't find the real meaning. But as far as YOU - You are young and have gone through a lot, so just be a little bit easier on yourself and give yourself some slack. Look at it as if someone else was Dave A and posted that. Would you judge him? I don't think you would. I know I am not judging Dave A for making a couple of mistakes.
Karen

Thank you. It makes me extremely happy when I hear about other people who have battled cancer and won. Your mom sounds like an amazingly strong woman. I know that what she went through, and probably is going through is a lot more than I had to handle. I truly do wish her the best! As for me judging Dave A I'd never. I'd offer nothing but support like you guys have to me. You're all amazing.

Keep a diary

If writing this helped you out there must be a lot more from where that came.

How about a journal =)? The thought of anyone finding it and reading what I'd potentially put it in really puts me off from the idea.

Currently I'm at 4 days clean now which is a good feeling. Its been easier since making this thread and my withdrawal isn't nearly as intense as I've been used to in the past. I almost gave in last night but quickly distracted myself with music. I just wish I could sleep at this point. Its currently 8 am and I'm sitting here wide awake, shaking my legs. Hopefully I'll be able to get a few hours in at some point.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Hopefully.

You might ask yourself what risks you're willing to take in order to feel better.

 

[sickofthisshiz]

Dave...I'm going through the same shit. I have been clean for four days too! Dealing with withdrawal on top of heartbreak....it fucking sucks. Just be glad it's only one year you regret...some people have been dealing with this shit for much longer. I was clean for three weeks and went on a little bender after my boyfriend and l broke up a few weeks ago. Just getting through detoxing, now I'm dealing with it again. I hope l can keep from relapsing again...reading all the responses to your story gives me a little faith back in humanity...something l have lost a lot in the last few years. I wish you all the luck...just an afterthought l have been trying to be grateful to have the things that l still have in my life..l could have easily died, or went to jail, so many times. At least we have the opportunity to try and make our lives better even though shits so fucked up right now....it has to get better right?

 

[Dave A]

Dave...I'm going through the same shit. I have been clean for four days too! Dealing with withdrawal on top of heartbreak....it fucking sucks. Just be glad it's only one year you regret...some people have been dealing with this shit for much longer. I was clean for three weeks and went on a little bender after my boyfriend and l broke up a few weeks ago. Just getting through detoxing, now I'm dealing with it again. I hope l can keep from relapsing again...reading all the responses to your story gives me a little faith back in humanity...something l have lost a lot in the last few years. I wish you all the luck...just an afterthought l have been trying to be grateful to have the things that l still have in my life..l could have easily died, or went to jail, so many times. At least we have the opportunity to try and make our lives better even though shits so fucked up right now....it has to get better right?

You ain't alone in this bud! I've found so much relief from this and another website I found from this one actually. We're both going to get through this and its gonna be something we can both look back on and wonder why we ever started such a thing! All the best right back at you. Shoot me a pm if you're ever in the mood to talk! Little update I'm still going hard at 5 days now but the lack of sleep is really making me feel weird. I've had about 5 hours in the last 3 days and I have to go into work today. I think I need to take some nyquil tonight or something to help me out. Other than that things surprisingly have been going easier than they have in the past.

 

[Leaping Gnome]

It doesn't look like much more can be said that hasn't already been said.

My Dad died at 58 with cancer, same age as me now, and my Mother fought with it MANY years to reach 90. I don't have the time to get into all of that.

I over did it the last 3 weeks with yard work and cooking large meals. I ended up going through my pain meds 2 weeks early. I still have 3 days before I can get them filled. I've been using Kratom and Kava-Kava and I'm in no WD. Even slept 9 1/2 hours last night.

It sounds like you almost have it beat with nothing...GREAT!!! You did say Nyquil...they make it just for sleep now.

I went to AA for a few years. One of the things is to make amends to the people you've heart in your life. Not any time soon until your 100%, whatever that is, maybe making amends to your girl will work things out. Words don't, but actions do. Maybe there is one more chance to dance.

BTW, since being off my meds the last 10 days I see how they affected my temper! I think other than living and dealing with the Rhino, I can now live with the piss-ants also. If I didn't need meds for chronic pain, I would taper with the Kratom & Kava-Kave and stop.

As far as writing, it seems to be helping you. Put a pass word on your PC. Hide the file in a program with a file type name...I've done that.

Good Luck,
Leaping Gnome

 

[Dave A]

It doesn't look like much more can be said that hasn't already been said.

My Dad died at 58 with cancer, same age as me now, and my Mother fought with it MANY years to reach 90. I don't have the time to get into all of that.

I over did it the last 3 weeks with yard work and cooking large meals. I ended up going through my pain meds 2 weeks early. I still have 3 days before I can get them filled. I've been using Kratom and Kava-Kava and I'm in no WD. Even slept 9 1/2 hours last night.

It sounds like you almost have it beat with nothing...GREAT!!! You did say Nyquil...they make it just for sleep now.

I went to AA for a few years. One of the things is to make amends to the people you've heart in your life. Not any time soon until your 100%, whatever that is, maybe making amends to your girl will work things out. Words don't, but actions do. Maybe there is one more chance to dance.

BTW, since being off my meds the last 10 days I see how they affected my temper! I think other than living and dealing with the Rhino, I can now live with the piss-ants also. If I didn't need meds for chronic pain, I would taper with the Kratom & Kava-Kave and stop.

As far as writing, it seems to be helping you. Put a pass word on your PC. Hide the file in a program with a file type name...I've done that.

Good Luck,
Leaping Gnome

I'm very sorry to hear about your parents. Losing someone to cancer is extremely hard, I lost my aunt only a few months after I had just beaten it. I'm on day 7 and I feel extremely amazing. I even managed to sleep for 10 hours getting up every few hours in between. I think the difference now is that I truly want the positive change in my life. My physical withdrawal is almost completely gone and my mental cravings have been almost non existent. I did however have very vivid dreams during those 10 hours of sleep that involved me taking taking painkillers and getting them from a doctor. Once I woke up I seemed to be fine. You've all been an inspiration to me in more ways than you'd think. I really appreciate it all.

 

[herbavore]

Hey, glad to hear things are going relatively well as far as WDs go. It sounds like you are in a very positive place.

 

[Dave A]

22 days and I caved. I felt like I couldn't help it. Stress from a new job, my parents, money, school, deciding what I want to do with my life. Emotionally I'm more stable now than I ever was while I was addicted but I had so much pressure build up with wanting to change so many things at the same time. I just took the pills 20 minutes ago and I don't feel anything but regret. You'd think with all this regret I'd just go throw them up but I'm craving the high to much. Mentally its not as easy as it was. The last 5 days have been a battle in my mind to not go back to my old ways. I pray this is a one time relapse and its not me falling back into the same cycle over again. This is not what I want for myself. I was foolish to think it would be so easy this time. I missed you all .

Maybe I need to look into some type of NA meetings. I feel silly going there because I feel like the program is needed more by other people. Maybe I feel like I'm to good to go to one but that's foolish. Maybe its fear of the unknown or being judged. I'm very confused.

 

[Sepher]

Mentally its not as easy as it was. The last 5 days have been a battle in my mind to not go back to my old ways. I pray this is a one time relapse and its not me falling back into the same cycle over again.

OK, so you caved. No point beating youself up about it. You can maybe think why that was more fully when you're back out the other side of this evenings run? You can make it a one-time only thing if you want? Not a sign of an imminent collapse of all you've achieved so far or anything like that, so entirely doable that is. Can only depend on you? Is it a small but foreseeable and in some ways quite useful actually now it's happened minor blip in your progress generally as far as recovery goes, one you can learn lessons from for the future, or is it a sure fire sign that actually you can't do this, no point trying, might as well resign yourself to being an addict in the years to come no matter what, just have done with it, least you've got the comfort of a score to look forward to. Which way you jumping so far Dave? Hmmmmm? Even Allowing for the addict mind's tricksy little ways and rationalisations should be a no-brainer this one mate?

I have a bit of a block on the AA / NA ethos as I understand some of it, and I understand that maybe you're like, not quite as bad as some of them are at the meetings, that's all some other world style crazy-ass shit or somethin', huh, and maybe they need the help more than you do? ROFLs, LOLWUT, get you with the justifying why you're not quite like all those other addicts just yet at least. An addict's an addict, 10 years on it and broke or 10 minutes on it still to get there. All AA / NA requires of you is an acknowledgement you've got a problem first and a desire for it not to be a problem any more second. Everything else is negotiable. Try it. What's the worst that could happen? You're not gonna get judged. Difficult to do that when the first thing has to come out anyone's mouth is Hi, my name's whatever, and I'm an alcoholic / addict / whatever the form of words is.'. That's the point. Tend to not get comments back on shares anyways. It's not the done thing to come back with anything questioning or critical too much I think? The emphasis is all on your ability to comfortably share to the group anything you feel is relevant or you need to get off your chest. I actually found this really unsatisfying cos I need more of a two-way dialogue. Other people's war stories, funny, moving, horrifying or what are still just that, other people's war stories. So the fuck what of it, dammit? What lessons can we usefully draw from them as a group by maybe exploring them together?

 

[herbavore]

I think meetings would be a very good idea. Support from every direction will really help. It's OK, bud. I know it feels confusing but as sepher said, just look at it as a one time thing--maybe it happened to show you how deep the claws are in and that you have to deal with what is stressing you so that you don't turn back to this?