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ugh....

O

OhCrap

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 6, 2012
Messages
61
Hi dark siders. I sincerely hope everyone is well. I myself am having a hell of a time and need someone to talk to. y'all are the only ones I feel I can truly be open with.... so here goes. I've relapsed. well not totally... I'm not using opiates daily, but since I "got clean" a few months ago I only really stayed clean a couple weeks and am back to using on the weekends. Honestly it's mostly to get motivated to get stuff done...cleaning, cooking... etc. for some reason the weekends are impossible for me, I can't get motivated unless I have some tramdol or hydros. during the work week I'm good to go sober with a little coffee. idk why...


also, I saw my brother today for the first time in months at a family gathering. He's a hardcore opiate addict and showed up high, and I assume only to get my mom to cash his check. it broke my heart....because we were best friends growing up. and now I feel were not so different... only his addiction is out in the open and mine isn't. He's moved on from hydros to Meth and heroin and has two speeds...high and dope sick. I miss him...and as much as I want to relate to him and try to sympathize... Im afraid to.

idk if this rambling post will make sense to anyone... or if anyone will respond... but thank you for listening <3
 
No problem for listening. <3

You probably don't feel the need for drugs during the work week because you have work going on to get you motivated. To counteract this, try keeping your work week schedule during the weekends. It sucks getting up at 5a on the weekends and really ruins any late-night plans, but it has significantly helped me be motivated and have more energy during the weekend. And it makes getting up on Monday a lot easier. ;)

As far as your brother goes, that's unfortunate, but perhaps he will clean up his act and come around. Time will tell.
 
I agree with addictivepersona.

Try to keep yourself busy on the weekends and on the same time schedule as during the week. I know how easy it can be to just sleep in all day on the weekend and then do whatever you please whenever you please because there's no real deadline to meet. So maybe try sticking to the same schedule? Maybe try getting up the same time you do for work, eat breakfast, get showered, dressed,etc & then start doing what you need to do. Cleaning, errands, etc. Then take a nice long nap to reward yourself, and hang out with friends after.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I know how hard it is to watch a family member go down the long road of addiction. What you can do is be his emotional support and a friend to him. Hopefully he will come around to getting clean <3
 
Keeping busy is a great strategy--and maybe keeping a schedule even; But I would go even deeper. What is it about your life that you wish were different? Are you lonely, bored, fearful? I think that the desire to use is a sensible thing when it is what you have learned to do. It is a matter of learning to do new things to achieve the same results (in your case motivation). When I feel the most unmotivated it is usually because of depression. Depression in my life comes from feeling trapped or stuck. Getting unstuck through a high is only temporary and getting truly unstuck takes much more work and courage. Are you a parent? Being a parent means that a lot of your life is dedicated to other people's lives and it is very easy to feel stuck. Are you getting enough time to do something that is just for you?

I know how hard it is to watch a sibling deep in addiction. It is a very helpless state. Have you ever gone to an Al-anon meeting?
 
No, I've never been to al anon or narc anon. I've not really told anyone about this addiction I've developed besides you guys. I'm a little ashamed honestly. On the outside it probably looks like I've got it all together. I've got a good job, a sweet husband and we are shopping for our first home right now. I should be the happiest person in the world but honestly i just feel overwhelmed.
 
That is great news that you made it through the weekend with no pills. It sounds like you maybe are mending. Sometimes in the morning if I have slept well through the night - I have periods of hours where I don't even think about pills. I don't crave them or want them in any way. It depends a great deal on a good night sleep though. I too am sorry about your brother. I have a user brother - not in the sense of using drugs - but using my Mom and myself and hitting us up for money all the time.
KK
 
It is great that you got through the weekend without any pills, the problem with drug abuse is that it affects receptors within the brain....with opiate abuse it effects dopamine, a chemical that gets released when you do something positive for your life. ie: when you form a relationship with somebody, when you conquer a problem that you have been struggling with, when you win something that will better your life such as money. This is the reward chemical in your brain, it kicks in when you do something beneficial to your life, or atleast it is supposed to.

When you abuse drugs it releases dopamine in massive amounts, it perverts the reward systems in your brain, once you experience that giant boost of dopamine then everything else gets pushed down on your list of priorities. Negative effects from this can be avoided by realizing that this artificial reward can have negative consequences, if you fail to realize this and keep on using drugs you eventually end up down regulating your dopamine receptors, your brain stops producing dopamine by itself in an attempt to keep the equilibrium of neurotransmitters within your brain. It tries to level out the massive spike of dopamine to regulate its functions, this is a coping mechanism within the brain to keep normal functioning but the cells within your brain can't comprehend what is actually happening so this mechanism becomes detrimental to your brains functioning because after this process occurs enough, your brain can't cope with the fact that there isn't any external source of dopamine flooding the brain to keep things running smoothly.

Things become harder to deal with and you start craving the drugs to function, to quiet the detrimental process that you have afflicted yourself with. It seems very hard once you start feeling overwhelmed without the drugs but trust me....it only gets worse, much worse. You need to realize that this is happening and will completely change your behavior, your ambitions in life if you don't just stop now. I read a quote today that says "Use drugs to feel good, not because you feel bad." that struck a chord with me, using drugs for recreation is ok but once you start needing them to cope and feel ok; that is a sign that you need to stop because the drugs are starting to take control of you, you are starting to lose control of free will.

Facing your fears, doubts and insecurities sober can be quite overwhelming but ignoring your fears with drugs will only prolong the process of dealing with the problems at hand. It's almost like choosing to be completely inactive and not training before performing in the olympics; when you need your full strength, you are choosing to be completely unprepared when really you should be at your prime, able to give it your all and still be ok that you came in second because you gave it everything you had. It's a little bit dramatic but I think it really paints a good picture of what I am trying to convey to you. Please soldier on and be the best that you can be.
 
Ligaturd said:
It is great that you got through the weekend without any pills, the problem with drug abuse is that it affects receptors within the brain....with opiate abuse it effects dopamine, a chemical that gets released when you do something positive for your life. ie: when you form a relationship with somebody, when you conquer a problem that you have been struggling with, when you win something that will better your life such as money. This is the reward chemical in your brain, it kicks in when you do something beneficial to your life, or atleast it is supposed to.

When you abuse drugs it releases dopamine in massive amounts, it perverts the reward systems in your brain, once you experience that giant boost of dopamine then everything else gets pushed down on your list of priorities. Negative effects from this can be avoided by realizing that this artificial reward can have negative consequences, if you fail to realize this and keep on using drugs you eventually end up down regulating your dopamine receptors, your brain stops producing dopamine by itself in an attempt to keep the equilibrium of neurotransmitters within your brain. It tries to level out the massive spike of dopamine to regulate its functions, this is a coping mechanism within the brain to keep normal functioning but the cells within your brain can't comprehend what is actually happening so this mechanism becomes detrimental to your brains functioning because after this process occurs enough, your brain can't cope with the fact that there isn't any external source of dopamine flooding the brain to keep things running smoothly.

Things become harder to deal with and you start craving the drugs to function, to quiet the detrimental process that you have afflicted yourself with. It seems very hard once you start feeling overwhelmed without the drugs but trust me....it only gets worse, much worse. You need to realize that this is happening and will completely change your behavior, your ambitions in life if you don't just stop now. I read a quote today that says "Use drugs to feel good, not because you feel bad." that struck a chord with me, using drugs for recreation is ok but once you start needing them to cope and feel ok; that is a sign that you need to stop because the drugs are starting to take control of you, you are starting to lose control of free will.

Facing your fears, doubts and insecurities sober can be quite overwhelming but ignoring your fears with drugs will only prolong the process of dealing with the problems at hand. It's almost like choosing to be completely inactive and not training before performing in the olympics; when you need your full strength, you are choosing to be completely unprepared when really you should be at your prime, able to give it your all and still be ok that you came in second because you gave it everything you had. It's a little bit dramatic but I think it really paints a good picture of what I am trying to convey to you. Please soldier on and be the best that you can be.
Click to expand...

This is one of the most insightful and helpful posts I've ever read - thank you.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your relapses, but don't blame yourself. The problem with week-ends is we always find reasons to make them different from the rest of the week so that we feel like we're excused if we do things we shouldn't be doing. As addictivepersona mentioned, I think you should try to keep to your work schedule one way or another on the week-end so they just feel like normal days. Keep yourself especially busy. Go out. Make plans. Don't allow too much time to be at home doing nothing.

Have you tried talking to your brother about his drug issues? Since you understand some of what he's going through it might help him to know he has support and isn't entirely alone, since it's likely he might be feeling that way?
 
Thank you endlessnameless, I was feeling quite emotional and inspired when I wrote it. I hope that it helped OhCrap, but I have a feeling that I went on a little bit of a tangent there haha.
 
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