why must life be such a challenge for some?

[The Warden]

I've been very depressed lately. I know my friends don't just want to hear me complain about how I feel. So I thought is post here because there is such a diversity of people.
A little background info on me: I grew up on the reservation which can be a boring/shitty/rough place to be raised. My mother was an alcoholic and very abusive. She commuted suicide when I was six years old.
I moved to Texas to live with my father and the family he married into. My father was also an abusive drunk. He was a real piece of shit. I went to school with bruises all over my body and an occasional fracture. I had to lie about the abuse and tell people I was just a clumsy child. He abandoned me when I was nine years old. The family was always very nice to my sister and I, but eventually they were unable to care for us in the manner we needed, they struggled with their family problems and jobs/school and such.
I moved to Utah when I was nine with my aunt in my mother's side. She did the best she could for me, but back then there was no hope for me. I've always dealt with anger and depression/suicidal thoughts. Eventually she was unable to deal with it and sent me to a private school back in Texas when I was twelve or thirteen.
I got kicked out of there for always causing trouble and fighting with others. My dad put on his big boy pants and took me in again. Just like the last time I dealt with abuse and abandonment. This time it was harder for me to lie about the bruises. I was taken back to Utah by a family that my aunt knew.
I lived with them for about a year and a half. Got kicked out of there for being a trouble maker.
This is when I became states property. I was put in a facility that pretty muh treated me like shit and kept me heavily medicated the entire time. Got released for there and was put in two different foster homes. The first was ok, but had to relocate for fighting with their adopted son. The second treated me like garbage from day one. They occasionally abused me, but not often. Got arrested for being a stoner and was put in another facility in the desert.
Got released from there and was released from states custody at eighteen. Since that day I've been doing ok at best.
I've never been truly happy. Not of my accomplishment, not a first job, first car, losing my virginity. Nothing. I've always struggled with depression since age six when my mother shot herself. Medications have never helped, the side effects have far outweighed the benefit. I've had a couple serious relationships, but was never truly happy, just better than I was before.
Now that I'm twenty five I struggle with my emotions every day, I've always worn a mask. Some people can see through it and I push them away as soon as I can. Just recently I met this girl. She is perfect in every way. I like her a lot, but she wants to take things slow; which I'm totally ok with because I know she is the one for me. We had a long talk today and I feel like I'm pushing her away which is something I absolutely do not want to do. I just started a new job on Monday. It is quite a ways away from where I currently live so I stay with my friend out there for the week. We work together so he's ok with it. I have to find a new place to live by the end of the month when I have absolutely no time to do so. I don't come home during the week because I use about 1/4 of my gas just going there and back. I rarely get to see the girl I like, I haven't seen most of my friends for months. They never text me or call me back which can be irritating to say the least.
My question is : Why can I not live a normal life? When, if ever, will I be happy and not have to fake it? Is this even possible for a person with a past like mine?
I figured someone out there has gone through something similar or worse than what I've gone through, so your input would be greatly appreciated.

 

[teological]

Hey man, what is going on? I have had a pretty shitty life as well. The mask you speak of, is the mask of sanity my friend....and I am one who also wears one. Behind my smiling eyes however, is an emotionally disturbed, calculating force, who hates life and does not trust people in general.

Put it this way, you have gained a strong identity...even though you think you are weak, in reality, nothing can really take you down easily because of what you have experienced. The day will come when you will say fuck this, fuck feeling like this and you will be free...you are one of the chosen ones. Not many people experience emotional crap like you have, so you are unique in that way...but then again there are people that live in countries that are constantly bombed, losing their entire families at once etc

Dude, I have been through a hell as well, different to yours, but still hell...pm me if you want to talk.

 

[The Warden]

I somehow forgot to mention that I have attempted suicide 2 times. I've gone through a lot of bullshit that would break most people. One of my favorite things to hear is how other people think they've had a bad life, some have, some haven't. But I like making people feel like shit when they say that and tell me their story, then I tell a portion of mine.
I'm not really one to talk about my past like this, I'd say I can't count on both hands the people I personally know that know this information. I can't open up to therapists, counselors, etc.. I've only told this to two girls I've dated, the others could sense my troubles but they didn't stick around to know the story, the real me.
I just feel like I'm close to another breaking point and I had to talk to someone, even if those people don't know me. I just had to get it out of me. I do feel a little better, unfortunately I can't talk to the girl I'm seeing. I told her it would be best for me if I didn't talk to her for a couple days. I feel like I'm taking things too fast with her and I don't want to mess anything up because she is the perfect person for me.

 

[alasdairm]

homeless -> tds

alasdair

 

[herbavore]

You are a survivor and it makes perfect sense for you to be wary, to not trust, to push people away. It makes sense that is, because of your past, but it makes no sense for you in your present. One of the most difficult things for survivors of childhood abuse is to release the past. Wounds were made, some have never healed, others scarred over leaving no feeling at all. That is a terrible legacy but it can be something you rise out of if you work at it. Otherwise it will bury you.

I cannot imagine being six years old and having my mother shoot herself. There are so many deep messages that you got from that act that you did not deserve. No doubt with all the abuse that followed you hardened all the parts of yourself that you could. I think it is important to let the ones that love you know of your past. That way, when you start to push someone away, it gives the person some insight into why and enables him or her to not take it personally but to reach out to you more gently.

Are you dead set against counseling? I imagine that you had some pretty sad experiences with it in the boarding school and juvenile justice system but there are a whole range of services and counseling styles out there. If could be a place to go and safely work through a lifetime of horrible memories as well as strategize how to move forward so that you can have the relationships you want and need.

One thing I would caution you about however is comparing pain. There may be always someone that has had it worse than you or better but what difference does that make? When it comes to emotions quantifying doesn't really do you or anyone else any good.

I hope that you can get support here. It sounds like you are doing a lot to hang onto a job and I admire you for that. It's difficult that it is far away from where you live. Is there any end in sight for that situation? Take care and welcome to TDS.

 

[slimvictor]

Why can I not live a normal life? When, if ever, will I be happy and not have to fake it? Is this even possible for a person with a past like mine?

What is "normal"? Sounds like, unfortunately, your life is quite normal. Many people have to deal with the kind of intense shit that you have been dealt - and it sounds terribly intense. It is difficult, but you will ultimately be an incredibly strong person. The more you deal with, the stronger you get. Like lifting heavy weights at the gym. The more you lift, the stronger you get.

Happiness: fake it until you make it. If you are not truly happy, faking it is the best thing you can do. Live as if you were happy. Think about happiness. Assume that you will become happier and happier. But always watch your motivations for doing what you do. Watch out for your saboteur, who doesn't want to be happy. Learn to hear his voice inside your own mouth. He is the one who made you fight with your adopted brother, and lose that family. He is the one who keeps cutting people off if they can see into your heart - in other words, the people who care about you.

So it is a two-pronged attack.
On the one had, expect happiness, and fake it until it is real. Create your own happiness - you can't afford to wait around for someone to bring it to you.
On the other hand, learn more about your saboteur, and learn to recognize his voice immediately. Do not listen to his advice. Do things that are good for you (especially long-term): keep your good job. Get closer to your new girlfriend. Don't push her away if she cares about you. Exercise. Eat healthy food. Balance your life with work and play, intensity and relaxation.

Above all, never give up hope. You have been through an incredible amount already. Emerge happy and healthy from that, and you will be an amazingly powerful person.

Peace

Victor

 

[herbavore]

But always watch your motivations for doing what you do. Watch out for your saboteur, who doesn't want to be happy. Learn to hear his voice inside your own mouth. He is the one who made you fight with your adopted brother, and lose that family. He is the one who keeps cutting people off if they can see into your heart - in other words, the people who care about you.

That is really good advice.

 

[Sad Sister]

Challenged life reply

Beware that you will feel uncomfortable when you start to feel your feelings. You need reaffirmation, you telling yourself you are NOT SHIT, you Deserve a decent life. I used post it notes on mirrors for about a year.

You are used to turmoil in your life and you will create more turmoil (even subcousiously) because that is your norm. So if you want a "normal" life choose friends that reduce drama or bad situation. I thought this life was very boring but I was able to walk down a different path and eventually stop hating my past abusers. It took about ten years, 3 abusive marrages, couseling for two years. I have a great life now. I don't have any connection with past family abusers and have faith that God is a God of second, third, fourth chances.

 

[The Warden]

Thanks guys/girls. This means a lot to me. The post it notes will definitely help, don't know why I never thought of that.. I'm glad strangers are willing to help someone they don't even know and have never even seen. I might start keeping a journal. I have forgiven my mother but I will never be able to forgive my father. When you have seven sheriffs search your house for someone that kind of makes you question a person. I can honestly say I hope I never see him again, if I marry he will not be there. Nor for the birth of my child when the time is right. The only time I will see him is at his funeral.
Thanks again, I do feel better.

 

[Pagey]

I'm so sorry to hear about everything that has happened to you. It does sometimes feel like life is more fair to certain people than others. Are you still on medication? Anti-depressants have very, very often been known to actually exacerbate depression, and the younger the patient is, the more that applies. The brother of a friend of mine was put on anti-depressants when he was 13 or 14 and they led him to try and commit suicide (it's apparently unlikely he would have otherwise).
I haven't been through the same things as you but I've been through a fair amount as well and I'm still quite young, and I think all there is to do is see yourself as a survivor, not a victim. All of those things you've been through, they've made you stronger, as cliché as that sounds, and I think someone who's managed to pull through a life like that has more merit than someone who's never been depressed at all. Happiness is accessible to you, as it is to all of us. It's important not to give up on hope and not to focus on the past, especially not negatively - because that past has shaped you into who you are, and you have to learn to accept and embrace that, no matter how difficult it may seem, before you can truly be happy.

 

[slimvictor]

Thanks guys/girls. This means a lot to me. The post it notes will definitely help, don't know why I never thought of that.. I'm glad strangers are willing to help someone they don't even know and have never even seen. I might start keeping a journal. I have forgiven my mother but I will never be able to forgive my father. When you have seven sheriffs search your house for someone that kind of makes you question a person. I can honestly say I hope I never see him again, if I marry he will not be there. Nor for the birth of my child when the time is right. The only time I will see him is at his funeral.
Thanks again, I do feel better.

Glad that you feel better.

But as for never forgiving your father, are you aware that forgiving him would help YOU, yourself?
And not forgiving him will not really affect him, but will hurt YOU, yourself?

Forgiveness does not mean you are saying that what the person did was okay.
It means that you are tired of holding those negative feelings inside you, and you choose to give them up.
Forgiveness is a very selfish act.
If you don't forgive, you are saying "You hurt me, and I plan to always carry around that hurt. I will never give it up. I will continue to allow your negative acts to have power over me and my life."
Silly, right?
If you do forgive, you are saying "I am tired of holding the hurt that I feel inside, and I refuse to continue holding it. I will get rid of this hurt, take back my power, and your negative acts will no longer have power over me."
Much better, right?

 

[The Warden]

I just feel like an absolute piece of shit. Right now, at this very moment I'm just thinking of why I continue wig this endless struggle called life. In the past week it seems like all I've done is push the girl that I know is right for me away. Push my friends and family away. I can't stand not being home, the people I'm staying with can be very negative at times. I'm like a sponge, I absorb the emotions of others because I have so few of my own. I am so fucking tired of not being me, but if I am me nobody wants me around. I feel like I'm just a huge failure to those that know me. Just a disappointment and a burden to everyone. I don't know why I keep trying.
To answer a question, no I am not taking medication. I refuse to because I was pretty much a guinea pig while in rehab. They made everything much worse than it needed to be. I've tried therapy and counseling, but that didn't help either.

 

[Pagey]

It's not true that nobody wants you around. It is NOT true, and you are neither a failure nor a disappointment and in no way a burden to everyone you know. When I read your last post I felt like I was hearing myself but seriously, it only takes an outside look to see that you are so much better than what you think. Just hang in there, the world shouldn't have to deal with losing you.

 

[The Warden]

It just sucks that the one person I want to talk to, the girl I'm seeing, isn't writing back or calling me. I absolutely hate working an hour away from where I live. Not being around my friends and family for the entire week, then trying to please them all. The only person I really want to see on the weekends is her and she is either working or doing something else. Everything dems to be working against me right now, like the planets will never align in my favor. I always seem to have the shittiest luck with relationships and even simple friendships. Day to day life just seems to get harder. FUCK YOU LIFE!

 

[Mariposa]

Warden - welcome to TDS. Funny nickname - we've got a "Police Detective" who posts here and there. :D I wish it was under better circumstances. There are a lot of understanding people here, both staff and participants. You need not worry about burdening anyone here. Lifelong friendships get formed here in TDS among people that give a fuck. I have been so slammed with IRL stuff that I haven't been around as much.

I wrote out a long response and then my wifi took a dump. Your story had significant resonance to me. Like you, I am a people pleaser and a possible relationship addict.
The basic points were that you've got to take control of your own life. The best relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself.

I wish I had an answer to your ultimate question: why must life be such a challenge for some? The metaphysical side of me says that we're never handed more than we can handle. The more logical side of me says, really, STFU, shit happens and deal with it. I struggle every day with that thought pattern. I'd like nothing more than to be happy and secure. Most days I do like myself. It's the other days where I don't like myself all that well that really get to me. The 'what-if' and 'if only' is a super tough pattern to break. I'll let you know if I ever figure that out.

Some people will like you. Others won't. Sometimes people do things, intentionally or unintentionally, that can adversely affect your perception of yourself. Don't let them do that to you. Don't give up on yourself. You have been through some very difficult times that no child or adult deserves. You've witnessed a super horrible set of behavior on the part of others who at one time had authority over and responsibilities toward you.

Don't give up. Don't be blinded to your own needs even though you've met a woman you really like. Of all the mistakes I've made, most of the big ones can be traced back to getting involved with the wrong person or people. If you can fill in the blanks for yourself as to this:

______________ totally fucked with my life in _______________ manner, and I am too motivated and too intelligent to let that happen to me again.

What makes you feel happy and fulfilled? Is it practical to find a new job where you can be closer to your loved ones?

You've received a lot of excellent advice in this thread. I'm glad you started it because your question has a lot of relevance for a lot of people. Why do bad things happen to good people?

Specific to what slimvictor said, forgiveness is as much for you as it is for the person that wronged you. Specific to what Sad Girl wrote, if you believe in a benevolent power, it's been shown by studies that people of faith live longer and happier lives, with more stable relationships, friendships, and marriage. Pagey and Herbavore have also given excellent advice as usual.

You have a lot to give the world. Don't give up. Through effort, you will again learn to trust the right people and steer away from the wrong ones. The whole 'law of attraction' thing never did much for me, perhaps because I wasn't putting out positive energy myself. I'm at a point of high stress but I got away from the negative people who were adversely affecting my mental and emotional well-being. I don't feel as sad or as lonely as I used to. I still feel like disappearing sometimes, not in the permanent way, but just taking off and going with my instincts. Not an option because of other obligations, so I have settled for hikes and half-day adventures.

I hope you take this advice and work with it given your own circumstances. There is no good reason why our memories need affect us adversely. Be strong, and definitely don't give up. You're welcome to PM me if you'd like.

My best wishes as you proceed through this adversity. Keep proceeding.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

only thing I can say is everyone is different, different people can handle different things and there is always someone with it worse then you however it doesn't mean you shit aint bad it just means that... to you a gun shot might be the worse pain ever, to another person a pin prick, its all relative to your life, everyone feels pain, everyone has trauma, everyone goes through it at one time or another no matter how perfect or good there lifes seem... everyone deals with shit....

Just... the difference is some people give up others don't if you don't give up you can live a normal life... You just can't except the way shit is now and you have to find something you can change something you have power over... Dont try to change your job if you can't find other work... change something small.. lots of small things add up over time...

I know the pain though of not being happy with how you turned out... never to late to change... just don't give in

 

[sconnie420]

My story is different but I can totally relate to how you feel..everyday is a struggle 4 me. It's like life is a constant fight, that I'm loosing.. I personally don't want to go on much longer. I'm not suicidal, but it's hard to not be also.. I really just want to give up myself..

I don't remember the last time I was actually happy, hell I don't know if its even possible anymore.

I'm sorry you're going thru this warden, ur not alone w/ these feelings.. Pm me if u ever feel like chatting..

 

[The Warden]

Fuck life. That's all I can say right now. I will give details later, but right now my head is not in the right place to type.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

Try to better your self and not make the mistakes others made around you and you will be a better person for it

 

[izzy66]

OP, circumstances differ but i went through decades of awful situations too.
but things can and do change. nothing lasts forever and, despite my own doubts, things can actually improve.
never thought there would ever be any relief or anything positive in my life but, even though it took a long time, finally there are more ok days than bad ones.
hang in, man.
best of luck to you.
-izzy