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Very suicidal, just got busted.

P

Pineappleexpress42

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 26, 2012
Messages
183
I've been EXTREMLEY depressed for a little over a year now, before that I was soo against drug use accept maybe a joint here or there and felt very guilty. After I started getting depressed my anxiety also got much worse. I have a lot of suicidal feelings but started using drugs to cope. Within that time period I did Pot Gabipentin
Cigs. Tramadol
DPH. Adderal
Alchohol
K6
Vicodin
Percocet
Valuim
Nitrous
Ativan
Ambien
Codeine
kratom
Xanax

I liked how especially benzos and opiates "numbed" me out. I just got caught useing adderall. My whole family is very against pills. I feel as though everyone has turned against me, everyone hates me. Even my neighbor who is a male-45 who was like a dad to me (my real dad was a wicked alcoholic/ coke head). I feel as though won't get any better and I don't know about being "addicted" to a specific drug but I definitley feel like I'm addicted to being on drugs. I know I'm going to get my script for Ativan taken away I won't be able to function, I'm going to be much more depressed. I just really feel like I'm just a big burden to my family. I feel so done, I'm so close to killing myself.
 
I don't know what to do, it's not like I can enter a rehab and say I'm addicted to 20 or whatever drugs. Or say I'm addicted to being high, I really don't know what to do.
 
^ Have you tried maintaining sobriety for a substantial length of time? That can really open your eyes to what is and what is not truly going on.
 
No, I haven't been completely sober for a while :/. I just don't know how to just stop drugs. I cant see myself ever stopping I just love the feeling of them the euphoria the rush the "not giving a fuck" feeling.
 
I hear ya. It's tough. For me, I used the "mind over matter" approach, picked an arbitrary date like a week away, and quit on that date. Well, not everything. One drug at a time. And lapses happen. Relapses also happen. It's all how you handle them. Take it one day at a time. Try and find some reason to get sober and do it.
 
what? You can ask you family for help, but it sounds like you don't want help because you a addict... You have to give up the drugs to keep your family. Whats more important your family which it sounds like you depend on for a place to live, or your drugs which will leave you strung out living on the streets broke..

Dude its simple get clean. You depressed because you have to give up your script? How about be happy you had it be happy you got to do all them drugs, and except that sooner or later no matter what no matter how long you do drugs at some point everyone has to give them up... (addicts that is) all addicts reach a peak where they either go off the deep end or quit... do it now

You can enter rehab and tell them your addicted to 20 drugs (I did) I remember at my rehab they didn't know half the drugs I claimed to had taken... You can also look for shelters and shit (if you living situation is iffy)

I dunno tell more of your story. Do you work? got a gf? a life? school? how old are you


Anyway my advise like above, get clean and your family will love you for it and it costs you nothing... YES when your on drugs and you have to quit its horrible you want to die but once you get past it.. lifes ok again not perfect but its ok...

GOOD LUCK
 
Yeah, if I get help I could definitley turn my life around. I have a very good life, I just seem to get depressed and wrapped up in things a lot. I live with all women, which can kinda suck at times since I don't really have a father figure in my life. My neighbor means the world to me and when I told him what happened, he said I deserve it and I'm retarded. This upset me a lot. I don't have a girl friend, I don't have many friends either, I'm pretty shy because I have pretty bad social anxiety. I work for my grandma off and on but other then that have not had a real job. I'm in highschool, I'm 15. I just left a school because there were "too many drugs and weapons" in hopes to get better when it seems im the problem and am not getting better at all. I would like to talk to my counciler and family about my other drug use (try only know about alchohol weed and adderall) but as I said earlier they are very against pills. I'm afraid if I talk to my counciler he could tell my phyc to take me off my Ativan because of addicting properties. I'm not sure how my counciler will react to taking adderall as he wanted to put me on it I the first place and was trying to set me up with a appointment to get checked for add.


The main reason I want to stop is because of all the shit I've put my mom through with just weed and booze, she hates all drugs so much. Especially because of my dad being a alcoholic. At one point I had stopped everything for about 7-8 months. Everytime somthing would go wrong,missing, or even if I seemed hyper or sleepy that day she would say I must be doing drugs. She dosent think I ever stopped. I try to talk to her about how I really tried my hardest but it didint work. She would still call me a "drug addict" and other things of that nature so eventually I just said fuck it, if I'm gunna get blamed for it either way I might as well do it.
 
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Yeah easy to say not to remember. I feel like such a asshole, I know I have a great life but it's just going to waste I have that typical attitude "why change" like drugs do nothing wrong. It's hard for me to relize i do drugs and I have problems. I can't even admit it. Its like I see sober life as boring, not sociable like on drugs, increased anxiety and just horribleness were as somewhere in the back of my mind I know it's not.
 
Drugs can make your depression worse when used often. Could you consider taking a break for a couple of weeks? Let your brain readjust itself, eat healthy and exercise daily. See how you feel after that. It's worth a try. I've been in your shoes, depression really sucks. When I used drugs I only found that it made it worse and made me almost unbearably socially anxious.

I'm sorry that you feel guilty for getting caught. That's the worst feeling in the world, especially getting caught by people who care about you and who want you to be healthy and happy. Try to stay strong and remember you have your whole life ahead of you to experience.

I also don't think your neighbor meant what he said when he called you retarded. It sounds like he must have been very concerned. He certainly could have expressed his frustration in a better way, but just remember he does care about you. Don't believe his comments, you are not retarded, you sound like a smart and caring person with a very good heart.
 
Man it's not the end... a lot of us been here. I got busted by my mom for using heroin. She didn't know what powder was in the thing she found but she knew it was something. I ended up talking to her and it was hard but shit happens. I know it sucks to be found out but it's not the end. Your close ones are just probably shocked and confused... it's normal but they aren't going to write you off for it. They just love you and don't want to see you go down the wrong path. Experimenting with drugs isn't bad but not everyone sees it that way.... I don't know what else to say but keep your head up and don't take your life because of one mishap. However if you do have a problem don't be afraid to get help...stop at an na meeting and listen because you may be able to get something out of it and most of all talk to whoever found out you were using. It will be hard but it's better to do it than to kick it under the carpet. Good luck and remember talking about things helps.
 
I just get so pissed because my family thinks all I'm looking for is attention and that's why I do drugs. I'm looking for the exact opposite I want them to leave me the fuck alone. I'm smart enough to know what drugs have what dangers involved and know how to limit myself. I guess I can't really say that anymore because I can't control my habits. You guys have no idea how much I'm balling my fucking eyes out right now I feel like such a fucking faggot. That's why I feel I'm so done with life, I feel like such a loser to my family, such a disappointment.
 
My mom just got cards and flowers from the family saying "to hang in" and "everything will be fine" and now she's telling me she wants me to go hang out with the family who obviously looks at me as a no life looser. Im such a disgrace to the family I'd be better off gone. I'm sorry guys I'm ranting but I'm just so pissed/depressed.
 
I don't think your family looks at you as a loser. They're very worried about you and want things to work out for you. Lean on them and be honest with them and you can get through this together. You're very young and definitely have what it takes to turn things around. Try to remember that this pain is only temporary. If you have to, make it your mantra until you believe it yourself.

You'll get through this. <3
 
it's really not that big of a deal. If you are going to use drugs you have to live with the consequences that others may not understand you. You got caught and your family is worried. Tell them you aren't going to use drugs anymore and it was a mistake. TBH it does sound like you are using them for attention and that's fine, maybe you need some help with your problems that you are using drugs for.

I bet if you give it a week everything will go back to normal, no harm done. When you are young everything seems so big and like the end of the world but really it's not. This kind of thing will happen tons of times if you continue to use drugs, there are many times that drugs will get in between you, your family, your life and your friends. By reading the thread title i figured you were busted by the police and were facing time in jail, so i think you got off pretty lucky in comparison.

It sounds like you're reaching out for help, so if someone offers then take it. Getting help now will save you a life of trouble if you are trying to self medicate with drugs. It's fun at first but even for the most responsible users there are extreme highs and lows that come with the territory of drug use. It would be in your best interest to just smoke cannabis and use psychedelics occasionally. Benzos, opiates and stimulants are not going to lead you anywhere productive or to a happy life.
 
It's hard for me to see the point in success and trying hard in life. Everyone I know works their ass off just to loose their house and move in with family. Their all miserable and hate life. Drugs have allways been their for me and I could see drug abuse to a point of loosing a house or loosing your life bad, but honestly even with risks associated with drugs I'd rather feel happy and high for half as long then live twice as long working my ass off doing nothing to relax and die thinking how I failed either way. I could see wanting to try your hardest in life years ago but it feels like in this day and age the worlds gone to fucking shit.
 
I really think I can straighten out now for my mom because of all the shit I put her through but when she's gone, I'm not gunna give a fuck :/. I really think drugs changed me, I really fuckin hate drugs.
 
Pineappleexpress42 said:
My mom just got cards and flowers from the family saying "to hang in" and "everything will be fine"
Click to expand...

do you have ANY idea how much courage it probably took for your mum to do that? she probably went over it hundreds of times in her head; what if he rips this card up in front of me and tells me to fuck off? what if he throws the flowers in my face? what the fuck am i going to do when i lose my own flesh and blood to drugs?

you have an open door for help - take it.

Pineappleexpress42 said:
...and now she's telling me she wants me to go hang out with the family who obviously looks at me as a no life looser. Im such a disgrace to the family I'd be better off gone.
Click to expand...

which member of your family said these exact words to you? which one of them walked up to you and said, "___, you are a disgrace to this family! Every single last one of us thinks you're a no-life loser! Here's a knife, we all think you'd be better off dead."

ohhhhh, none of them *actually* said that? oh, ok, you were just assuming that's what they think. well guess what - ASSUME makes AN 'ASS' OUT OF 'U' AND 'ME'. why don't you call up your mum and ask her "hey mum, do you think that you and the entire family would be better off without me?"
see what she says. she probably won't be able to say much while sobbing.

i don't know your family. but I guarantee that they love you and want the best for you.
there's no manual on life - your parents can't find some book of "solve everything!" and scroll around to find "kid addicted to drugs - what exactly do we do and how do we react?" each of them is probably doing their best to not 'lose it' and be strong for you. they are as scared as you are, but probably even more. when i was young, i tried to kill myself once. i took a few thousand ibuprofin and my dad found me sitting in the bathroom. he instantly knew what happened. he knelt down next to me, looked right at me, and slapped me in the face. he then shouted to my mum to call 911. he was fucking furious with me for a long long time. i wasn't getting any sympathy from him, no matter how badly i wanted it. looking back as an adult, i completely understand why he did what he did. he was so hurt and angry that i would do something like that, maybe that somehow he was not being the parent he was supposed to be, where exactly did he fuck things up, what can he do to make it better, why is this happening to me, why does my kid not want to live anymore...and that's the way he chose to deal with it. is it right? who knows. but i do know that i am sure glad he found me when he did.

i know what you're feeling when you say you are addicted to a whole bunch of drugs. for as long as i can remember, i've always been on something. weather it be alcohol, speed, opiates, x, blah blah blah, i don't recall a time i've been sober for any significant amount of time. i recognize this is a problem. i recognize that i am self medicating. i recognize that i should still be seeing my psychologist/psychiatrist and let them put me on another metric fuckton of prescription drugs. i recognize that these are all conscious choices that I am currently making. could i fuck it all up and slip? sure, it's possible. do i keep my job, always show up, act 'normal', and exceed most expectations? Yes. I realize this is rare, and I don't recommend it - sometimes I can feel myself teetering on the edge of 'sanity' and wonder how much more of this life i can take...but then i take a deep breath and realize that probably everyone steps back and says this. everyone has shit days. everyone has kick ass days. gotta keep on riding that wave.

remember, for each shitty time, there's an equally good time waiting to happen. so look at it as you're just stocking up on good days to come.

your fam loves you. let 'em help you.

I wish you the best of luck <hug>
 
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