Lost friendships, drugs, and reconnecting

[footscrazy]

Hi all, I'd love and appreciate some opinions and input on this situation.

Recently, I've exchanged some facebook messages with an ex friend I haven't spoken to for years. She was my closest friend, probably the first person I was completely comfortable and open with about everything, and we moved into a house together. 4 years ago now, we parted on really bad terms and she moved out. A big factor in it was my drug use. As my methamphetamine addiction progressed, I started to lie to her about when I was using, because she was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with my use. She has her own past in this area, but at that point, we were moving quickly in opposite directions, her more and more confidently leaving that life behind, and me progressing further into dependence. She woke up one morning to lines on the kitchen counter and someone she didn't know passed out on the lounge room floor, after I'd promised her I wasn't getting high. She moved out that day, and we didn't speak again.

This was a massive thing to me, and losing her as a friend is up there with my biggest regrets in life. It's all tied up in my negative/shameful/guilty/disappointed feelings with myself and some of the mistakes I've made; something that I almost couldn't bear thinking about as the self loathing over this incident and the whole mess surrounding it was so intense. It's always been in the back of my mind as a driving force to try and improve myself. I've always planned to contact her again when I've gotten off all the drugs, and to tell her all my feelings and regrets over the situation, to tell that she was a big reason I made an effort to build a life and get off drugs, and that I respected her enough to wait until then to contact her again.

And now the problem - she wants to catch up, and I'm still on drugs. I've quit the meth and although my life has vastly, vastly improved, I now have an opiate dependency. As much as I would love to catch up with her, and the fact that we're even talking again makes me so happy, the thought of it sends pure fear through me. The question is basically whether I tell her I'm still on drugs or not. I feel like I have to be honest, but the shame of admitting it would just kill me, and I don't think we would be able to be friends. I could lie, but my dishonesty was what broke the friendship in the first place. I just don't know what to do. I actually accept myself and my dependency at this stage, it's that history and all the regrets and the promise I made to stop using before contacting again that makes me so uncomfortable with it with her. What would you do?

Many thanks for those who read this, and any advice is much appreciated

 

[RedLeader]

There was one time when I was living as a third-wheel to a couple in an apartment, and though the couple did drink often, they were not raging alcoholics like I was at the time. I remember one time they did this thing where they brewed their own beer and brought (literally) hundreds of beers home and stocked the refrigerator to the brim. They told me to help myself to as many as I wanted, as there were plenty of beers to go around. A few days and as much free beer as I could drink later, the dude sat me down and said "hey, umm I think we're just going to go ahead and finish the beer, okay?" Man, that really killed me. It was one of the first real signs that I had a bad drinking problem, one of the first things that really made me feel ashamed. From that point on, it was uncomfortable between me and them, and every nice conversation we had just felt synthetic, like we were keeping up appearances, doing the best we could with a living situation until it ended. We haven't talked since the last day of that lease years ago. I have thought about looking them up on Facebok to apologise, to clear my conscience, "make amends" or whatever, but I just haven't yet. I'm not quite ready yet, and I think one of the reasons I'm not completely ready is that I haven't been sober/clean for long enough, and keep relapsing every few months. You cannot really claim to have beaten an addiction if you're still relapsing now and then.

In my opinion, you need to be honest here. This is essentially a second-chance at a friendship, but if you try and lie and she figures you out, it's over. There will be no more chances because she'll always assume that you're lying in the future, even if on the Nth time around you're being totally honest about being done with drugs. Before meeting her in person, I would offer a brief apology. Not for the addiction per se, but for the screwed up things that you did during your addiction (the lines on the table, random person sleeping, etc). Let her know that addiction is still present in your life, but you've matured to the point where you know that you need help. Tell her that you won't be high if/when you meet up with her in person, and you can also tell her that if you ever do something twisted again under the influence of a drug, that she can tell you off to your face and leave. Essentially tell her that you cannot promise to her that drugs are out of your life, but you can try and assure her that the crazy behaviour associated with addiction isn't something she'll ever have to be exposed to again. As you described her as a recovering addict herself, I think she'll at least be able to understand about it being a life-long battle (at least in the head), and if you can show some maturity as to how you're coming to terms with your addiction, she'll give you the benefit-of-the-doubt and you can revive the friendship.

 

[herbavore]

^That is really well written and exactly what I would recommend: honesty. Since she herself was a drug user that worked to leave it behind I would think that your honesty would mean a lot to her, especially telling her what an impact both the friendship and the terrible way it ended continue to have on your life.

The bottom line is that when wonderful friends come into our lives we need to let them know their importance to us. People change and emotional bonds are always unpredictable and dynamic but to truly connect with a person is a rare thing. I think you can't go wrong here with honesty. You are a good writer. Maybe you should write something out and send it to her?

 

[footscrazy]

Thank you so much for your opinions.

I really appreciate you sharing that experience with me Redleader, and I can really identify with that feeling, especially the part about just not feeling ready to face her again, I guess, and wanting to feel that I can claim I've completely beaten this thing.

I have already apologised for 'everything', not specifically the drugs, but told her somewhat of the extent of my regrets over the situation and that I just wasn't in a position to deal with it properly at the time. She said she really regrets how it ended too, and that she doesn't hold any hard feelings

You have both really confirmed to me what I always really knew, that I just can't lie about this again But, here's the thing. I'm wondering if coming out with all of it right now might be premature. I just feel like...I haven't specifically said anything to her that has suggested I'm not doing drugs, and she has asked to catch up. She's a really smart, perceptive, thoughtful and forward thinking person - I don't feel like she would offer to catch up with me again without knowing that it was a possibility I was still using. I'm not going to lie to her if she asks. But I guess I'm just wondering if it's necessary/relevant/appropriate to bring all that heavy shit out now within the first few contacts we've had again. And I'm going to say right here, that I fully identify that this is me trying to avoid this, it really is, I'm scared shitless of telling her this because she'll be disappointed, and her opinion is worth so much to me. But, I still do truly wonder whether that maybe that is the right course of action for now. I really like this advice Redleader and thanks again for offering it to me:

Let her know that addiction is still present in your life, but you've matured to the point where you know that you need help. Tell her that you won't be high if/when you meet up with her in person, and you can also tell her that if you ever do something twisted again under the influence of a drug, that she can tell you off to your face and leave. Essentially tell her that you cannot promise to her that drugs are out of your life, but you can try and assure her that the crazy behaviour associated with addiction isn't something she'll ever have to be exposed to again.

Especially the last line. I feel that that's something I can promise her. I don't know if I can/should promise her I wont be high when I see her because at this stage I'm taking opioids daily to not be sick, and I think that the difference between maintenance/getting high might not be so clear to her, and it might come across as a sneaky way to get around the promise.

So, if I could trouble you, or anyone, for any further input I would really, really appreciate it so much. You've both already been so helpful, and I am completely cool, even asking you to tell me that I'm being all avoidy and this is something that I just need to face, no matter how hard it is for me. Thanks for the idea to write it to her Herbavore, I think that's how I would go about it too.

Thanks guys, this situation might not seem like much to some, but it's one of the biggest things in my life, and I appreciate your wisdom and understanding so much

 

[captaincaveman]

I had a similar experiece. I guy I'd been friends with since school and uni decided it would be a good idea to move in together. He knew I was wild at the time (this was eight years ago so my diet was steroids cocaine and booze). Anyway, he was really nice guy and would politely ask me things like 'Can you please not leave smashed testerone vials and needles in the kitchen). Anyway, things came to a head when he asked me to help clean up the mess to get our deposit back. I don't remember this (cos of booze and roids) but I flew into a rage, threatening him and all sorts. At this stage I was a semi pro thai boxer and the roids made me lose it. He got scared and fled. Two years later, I see him at a station with his girlfriend and we've been best buddies since (might be best man at his wedding)

The difference is that this guy never had a problem with drugs and he's helped me thro some difficult times. He was hurt that a guy he'd known for years, travelled across the states with and played in bands with would threaten him with what was apparently quite extreme violence. Fact that I didn't remember it doesn't matter. I made it up to him, took him and his fiancee out for dinner a few times. We're great friends and I'm totally honest with him. If I've had a relapse i'll tell him, he usually says 'I'd prefer it if you called me before the relapse and we could have stopped you. Mark, I doubt you read this stuff but you are one in a million.

Honesty best policy in this instance, you didn't do anything as outrageous as me so you'll be fine

 

[DooMMooD]

A bit long but I hope you read footscrazy, I wrote it all for you!

Honestly you gotta drop the guilt. You really need to. Its hard as SHIT, but the more you feel guilty about the past and let that guilt and shame and regret get to you, the worse your future will be. As Aldous Huxely states:

"Remorse, most agree, is a most undesirable sentiment. One does not get clean by 'rolling about in the muck.' "

Hes not talking about clean off drugs, but rather free of a haunting past: it is impossible to do so if you keep focusing on how badly you fucked up (ie rolling about in the muck). You need to accept what happened, and figure out the future, regardless of whether or not you're ever able to forgive yourself is almost irrelevant. You dont always have to be OK with things that happened, or forgiving, but rather accepting of the fact that 'OK, this happened, what am i going to DO about it?"

As for the specifics: i feel it is a HORRIBLE IDEA for you to try and reconnect with this person. You have already stated that a lot of your guilt and shame can be tied up into this, and lying to them about your use, and X, Y and Z. You are still feeling guilty, you are still feeling ashamed, and finally, you are STILL USING! These feelings will be compounded by a billion and you are going to be shooting yourself in the foot, big time.

Do not force or rush this reconciliation that you clearly are not ready for because it will just make things worse, worse, worse, worse. You are not ready for this, you are not ready to atone (nor are you in a place to be doing so if youre still doing what you were back then). Sure you can 'catch up' for a bit, or whatever, but please, please please: do not try and force what you are not ready for. Get some coffee, shoot the shit, but don't be trying to make any crazy amends or do any explaining when you are not ready to do so.

When you're ready you'll know, because you wont have this hesitation which you RIGHTFULLY possess. The fact that you have a hangup is not wrong, and just shouts out that you really are not ready to do this. If youre not ready, dont do it yet, simple as that. it will just make it worse if you try and force it and end up having MORE regrets that you have to continue lying to this person, or confess things you are not ready for the reaction to. You might not like her reaction and it sounds like you're not ready either way. As everyone else says, you MUST be honest.

This is why I don't think its a good idea to "tell her you won't be/aren't high for when you meet" because it will:

1) remind you of all the times you lied to her about this in the past (something she remembers, trust me);

2) what if you are? It will make the guilt THAT MUCH WORSE this time around;

3) you need to be honest, and considering the honesty is going to eat you up just as much as the lie, means that you need to hold off until you are comfortable enough to be HONEST and accepting of her reaction because the reaction could go either way, which means...

4)....you should not be DEPENDENT on her forgiveness to be able to move on. What if she never forgives you, what then? As I've learned in my recovery so far you cannot be reliant on external forces for internal happiness. You should be able to move on and forgive yourself without having her involved: what if she had moved away, or died, or anything of the sort? You'd never be able to move on if you're dependent on that external source. If you've been waiting for her forgiveness for this whole time...what if you never get it is my point? This should help you realize that you need to do it internally before externally. Just like getting clean for someone something else (external force), if that thing disappears, what then? If she were to die before you saw her again, what would you do? This is a hyperbole but it is just to further accent the point: you should be able to move on either with OR without her. When with is the only possibility for someone is when people start to get fucked.

Stop rolling about in the muck, forgive yourself as much as you can, accept your past and fix your future. And then when you have no more self forgiveness left, you can start asking for forgiveness from others. Accept what you've done, and forgive yourself. Once you've forgiven yourself for said guilt (which you yourself admit is whats bringing you down) then you're ready to see whether or not SHE forgives you. Until that point, do not even try, because if you do not get it, you're truly fucked then. You should be accepting and forgiving of yourself regardless of whether or not she is. Otherwise.....the guilt might become that much worse if it doesn't pan out how you want it to.

I also wouldn't recommend promising her that "the crazy behavior and problems associated with addiction will never happen again" for 2 reasons:
1) you know as well as I do that the life of doing drugs can lead to this in a heartbeat, whether intentionally or unintentionally, which will make it that much worse if you fail to keep this promise and
2) her entire problem was that you were DOING DRUGS, period. Since you still are, this would be a lie from the get go (making your shame/guilt worse right off the bat).


I always like what you write and post FOOTSCRAZY, so i really hope you read this and take some of this to heart. I'm not writing any of this for any alterior motive other than to help you. This is obviously my simple opinion, but I wouldn't be writing it if I didnt feel it was your best course of action. I feel that its important to realize you need to be able to move on independent of getting this persons forgiveness and understanding. Because if you don't....what then?

When you're ready, you'll know: the hangups won't be present.

 

[theseeker]

All the advice above is great. However, I'd just like to ask you a question, if I may. 1) Are you abusing opioids to the point that you're nodding out or can't carry on a conversation? If so- don't meet up. However, if you're at the point where you're using opioids at a relatively low dose just to feel normal- you should meet up and have some coffee and shoot the shit. Furthermore, she needn't know you're on them- it's not necessary to tell her. No-one, and I mean no-one needs to know your private business. You are an adult, you know you're in the wrong place and it's up to you to fix it. Her past substance abuse issues are her own- you can't take ownership for them. You don't owe anyone an explanation for the things you're doing to yourself *as long as they are not affecting others*. So do you owe her an apology if you already haven't made one for your past transgressions? Yes. That's where it stops

Believe me, I understand the desire to be absolutely honest with everyone I know. It's just not possible. This issue is between you, a professional that can help, NA/AA meeting, rational recovery, etc. I know this may sound a bit harsh, but there's some wisdom here.

All that said, if a friend came to me and said they were still struggling with drugs- you'd better damn well believe I'd sit and listen to them. I'd know that there is little that I could do for them, but I wouldn't cast them out of my life. It's their problem. I'd make some suggestions, and leave it at that. I'm a opiate addict, I know what it's like. I'm trying to get better. I'll bet you're trying your best. This is a hard thing to beat.

Apologies are fine- but therein lies the extent of your of what you owe. Besides that, you don't owe anyone anything.

 

[RedLeader]

I have already apologised for 'everything', not specifically the drugs, but told her somewhat of the extent of my regrets over the situation and that I just wasn't in a position to deal with it properly at the time. She said she really regrets how it ended too, and that she doesn't hold any hard feelings

Who contacted who first when you two started talking again?

You have both really confirmed to me what I always really knew, that I just can't lie about this again

Here's something else to keep in mind. If you lie to her and try and manipulate your relationship again, you're going to be sent back into the headspace you were in when you were living with her and doing that. The mind is a very powerful thing, and as being around her physically and having the mental overload of trying to keep track of your lies isn't something you've experienced since you quit methamphetamine, if you lie to her again it could easily resurface dormant feelings, dormant stresses and a bunch of nasty emotions from your past. The only thing different in the equation will be the lack of meth, but if you keep putting yourself in that situation, you could stumble and pick up that substance again. You need to come at this relationship from as new of an approach as you possibly can if you don't want it to feel like you traveled back in time.

But, here's the thing. I'm wondering if coming out with all of it right now might be premature. I just feel like...I haven't specifically said anything to her that has suggested I'm not doing drugs, and she has asked to catch up. She's a really smart, perceptive, thoughtful and forward thinking person - I don't feel like she would offer to catch up with me again without knowing that it was a possibility I was still using. I'm not going to lie to her if she asks. But I guess I'm just wondering if it's necessary/relevant/appropriate to bring all that heavy shit out now within the first few contacts we've had again. And I'm going to say right here, that I fully identify that this is me trying to avoid this, it really is, I'm scared shitless of telling her this because she'll be disappointed, and her opinion is worth so much to me.

Addicts tend to feel guilt/shame about two things: 1) the actual use of the drug and 2) the lies/manipulation that come along with it. Sure, everyone's going to have different weights for these two categories, but look at it like this. You come clean about everything with her and you'll feel guilt over 1) and not so much 2). You lie by omission and present the false facade of doing better than you are and you're going to feel guilt over both 1) and 2). I would tell her, if for no other reason than to lessen the outstanding guilt. Sure, it will be awkward, but awkwardness can be shaken off pretty quickly, whereas guilt has people messed up and stuck in destructive loops for ages. To add, you describe her as perceptive, so if you're not being honest with her, she may be able to sense it.

Especially the last line. I feel that that's something I can promise her. I don't know if I can/should promise her I wont be high when I see her because at this stage I'm taking opioids daily to not be sick, and I think that the difference between maintenance/getting high might not be so clear to her, and it might come across as a sneaky way to get around the promise.

Opiate addiction is way different than stimulant addiction. The things that cause shame in the former are typically done with in WD and trying to find money/drugs, whereas the guilt associated with stimulants are over dumb things done during the high. So if you need to take a small dose to feel well enough to socialise with her, then do it. That would be a lot better than if you go to the meetup, try and hide the fact that you're still addicted to something, and your eyes are watering and you're yawning and sneezing. And again, just be confident about wanting to quit but also knowing that physical withdrawal is an entirely different beast. She'll probably understand this if she's versed a bit in drugs.

 

[footscrazy]

Thanks everyone again so very very much for your advice and opinions.

Everyone has given me something to take away or think about, and I am so appreciative of that

I'm so grateful you've written out such a long reply DooMMooD, and you've given me a lot to think about. You've brought up some things I hadn't really even considered before, but I think they're important. I think you're right that I need to forgive myself first. I'm not sure if I feel dependent on her forgiveness to move on. It's an issue that is surrounded by a lot of intense emotions and regret, but I think I would accept it if she never forgave me. It's honestly hard to identify exactly what it is I feel. More than anything, it's an experience that made me see the worst side of myself, and has been a trigger for me to want to change that. It's also important for me to show her one day that I do understand what I did, and that how I hurt her wasn't meaningless to me, and that because of it I've changed myself. I don't know whether that means I haven't forgiven myself or whether I'm dependent on her forgiveness, I don't think so, but I don't know.

I really identify with this too:

1) you know as well as I do that the life of doing drugs can lead to this in a heartbeat, whether intentionally or unintentionally, which will make it that much worse if you fail to keep this promise

I can see why you think it's a horrible idea for me to see her again. I agree that I'm not as ready as I could be.

I have replied to her though, and I've been honest about my drug use. I've told her that while I believe I've made a lot of progress in my recovery regarding drugs, I'm not there yet. I haven't gone into much more detail apart to say I'm on suboxone (I've just started) and that I can only promise her I'll be honest about it. I've said that if for whatever reason this changes her decision to catch up, I completely understand.

Redleader, what you wrote out about the lies and manipulation that often come along with being an addict really hit home for me, and I thank you so much. I think that without your words it may have been easier for me to fall back on my usual tactic - avoidance. After writing her the message in which I told her everything, I have felt a sense of peace that's surprised me. I do feel that even if she says she doesn't want to see me now, that I'll still think I made the right choice telling her.

You need to come at this relationship from as new of an approach as you possibly can if you don't want it to feel like you traveled back in time.

I think this is so important, and something I'm going to try and keep reminding myself of.

To answer your first question - I contacted her first, but that was about 1.5 years ago. At the time I sent the message, I had just moved to the US to live, and thinking back, I think that sense of separation was part of me contacting her - it was an apology that I probably didn't believe she'd ever reply to, and even if she did, I was in another continent so I felt the issues would be more easily avoided, or something. She only recently got back in contact saying that she was randomly going through her facebook messages and saw mine, which she hadn't noticed before. I don't know whether that's true or whether she just wasn't ready to reply before.

theseeker - I do agree with you that I don't necessarily 'owe' anyone anything. But, I do feel like in this situation that it's an issue that was central to our friendship falling apart, and that obviously hurt her, and I don't want to do that again. I don't feel like hiding it would be respectful for her, which is why I suppose it's such a big issue, and that ultimately, I have chosen to tell her.

I've only just sent the message so I'm now waiting on her reply.

Thanks again everyone for spending some of your time to help me

 

[herbavore]

Well, now we'll all be curious to know how it goes so if you feel like sharing.... (JK, really you don't have to.)

 

[footscrazy]

^ She was really understanding and appreciative that I was upfront about it. We caught up today and have plans to keep doing so, it was fantastic seeing her again

 

[Sepher]

Excellent news. A burden lifted off you and the additional relief that comes with the knowledge that any decisions she makes from now on will be made in the full knowledge that there are still some issues that you've yet to address. She deserves to have all she might need available that allows her to make properly informed decisions about your future relationship. It would have been wrong to allow her to make commitments she might not otherwise have made had she been in full possession of the facts, so good for you on taking the chance and telling her. Real risk of it going either way, good or bad, so kudos to you for braving it. I'm sure she appreciated the honesty, perhaps that was enough to soften the blow of the things you told her. It's a good start you've made. Now just have to work out when might be a good time to try for a detox once you've got in place whatever you might need to help make the thing stick. Cross that bridge when you come to it, best of luck in the meantime. Hope everything turns out as you'd hope for.

 

[RedLeader]

I'm very glad to hear this! Sounds like this was well-executed and you're both being fair to each other in a way that has allowed you to get a new start at your friendship. I think you can breathe a sign of relief and stop having to feel like there's any unnecessary pressure on you now when you interact with her. Keep her close enough to you that she can be a positive influence on you as you try and work your way through your opiate habit, but not too close that she's exposed to the nitty-gritty of what you're going through. Seriously, though, I'm sure you feel great about this all, and like you proved something to yourself about your ability to move forward with your relationships to others in a mature way.

 

[herbavore]

hey, Foots, I'm so glad to hear that it went well.