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Best friend, sex friend, why not boyfriend?

Renz Envy

Renz Envy

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 29, 2010
Messages
3,337
To give a back story, this girl had previously been in a 3 year long relationship with a guy.
She came out of it and immediately began dating a new, more attractive guy as rebound, but they broke up.

We met in high school, but didn't start hanging out until recently (I'm 21 now). Her main motive of us hanging out was sex, but she was afraid I wouldn't like her. We did have sex. We started getting to know one another and we have a lot in common. Same music tastes, shows, movies, anime. She's intelligent. I was the 4th guy she slept with.

After 2 months of hanging out, having wild sex and being best friends, she still does not want a relationship. She explains that it isn't because she wants to see other guys, but she doesn't want to fall back into the same routine she was in with her previous ex. She wants to be single for once. That and she does not want to see me as rebound.

I'm in pain over this. I love her and want to be with her. I've said no to several, much more attractive girls since dating her. I'm willing to wait, but I'm afraid she will eventually move on.
 
Oh man, Renz. I hate seeing people in unrequited love situations, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I think she might be stringing you along for her own reasons, and the feelings are not mutual between the two of you.

Now, this is just a forum and of course we can only go by the post content, so perhaps she's just being upfront and telling you the truth, but typically, when someone won't commit after a long period of time, she just doesn't love you like you love her. It sucks, and I'm sorry.
 
I hate ultimatums so IMHO just cut her loose before it gets any harder
 
I've given her one and I've left her before, but she came back.

I really don't know what I should do other than sleep with a different girl or try being more formal and taking her out on real dates.

The problem is, I don't have incentive to fuck another girl. Either way I'm going on a date tonight.
 
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Start dating other women. She is using you, and will dump you when she finds something better. I have seen it one to many times.
 
Try asking her out on a real date. Try it.
Other than that, if it's too hard for you to be friends with her, just friends with benefits, then you've gotta move on. Try seeing other girls. Have fun on that date!
 
I also think you should try to move on as it doesn't sound as it will work out in your favour. Girls are typically more impulsive when it come to starting new relationships. With that I mean we develop feelings and are willing to commit sooner. While guys tend to take longer for both. So if it hasn't happened in a few months it's probably not going to happen (3 months is a long time for females who are so emotionally volatile)

You also sound like a more sensitive relationship-guy, as more commonly it's girls who have to put up with hearing those excuses from guys. Also why we are so guarded and less willing to get into a sexual relationship very soon. Then again, there are some females like that out there too. Especially these days when our culture partially encourages it, and also men (so they can get laid more easily).

Anyway, you're just 21 and have a long life with many loves in front of you yet. And try to keep in mind that 99.99% of romantic relationships are only temporary and most will end up wanting to get out of it at some point and ending up finding someone else. So it's never really the end of the world even though it feels like the only thing that matters when it's going on. But that's just the nature of these things. People are also not as involved with their children after they're grown up as they were when they were infants.
 
Renz Envy said:
I've been used a lot for sex.
Click to expand...

I wish I had that problem! %)

But seriously, I agree that it sounds like she is looking for something outside your relationship.
If it were me, I would do the ultimatum thing, but I don't understand what you mean that "she came back" -
the ultimatum I would make would be that she should either commit to me, or I would leave her.
Good luck with this!
 
Sounds similar to one of my past "relationships". I developed feelings for her and we "dated" for a week and eventually i felt she was just stringing me along. We just stopped talking and i moved on. Im in a similar predicament now as you (minus the sex), and im all hung up on her too (stayed up all night with her last night talking and finally was able to sleep next to her even though she gets my heart racing). I personally cant have sex with someone without some feelings developing. I wish you the best though my friend.
 
I dunno man. The term ' girlfriend' is just notation, it's just a formalism. As such, it means nothing in terms of the real world system it represents.

A person you think is your best friend and who you have sex with? Sounds like the idea represented by the formalism 'girlfriend' to me. Enjoy it and don't worry about the name of the thing, look at what that thing actually is. That is what really counts.

(I.e engineers, physicists and mathematicians use different notation to describe the same concept. Ditto biologists, physicians and chemists for naming like a protein. The concept is not different because of different squiggles used, it's the same protein regardless of name...It's the same here)
 
You're love is something that you cannot deny, and that is a prominent and defining feature in this relationship in which is goalless beyond sex. I always throw caution at myself in trying to define what others say as for reasons. "That she want to be single for once", "falling into old routine" is her explicitly conveying the idea that the things she does't want to do is not with you. I don't know her so I can't fathom beyond it. If you're in love with this girl my sympathy really goes out to you because it's an awful situation with a capriciously minded girl that I feel cannot be "reigned in", nor do I think the quality of casual sex bears good mind for someone you'd like to bear in.


One thing that's important and missing from your post is what are the efforts you tried to become a couple?
 
rangrz said:
I dunno man. The term ' girlfriend' is just notation, it's just a formalism. As such, it means nothing in terms of the real world system it represents.

A person you think is your best friend and who you have sex with? Sounds like the idea represented by the formalism 'girlfriend' to me. Enjoy it and don't worry about the name of the thing, look at what that thing actually is. That is what really counts.

(I.e engineers, physicists and mathematicians use different notation to describe the same concept. Ditto biologists, physicians and chemists for naming like a protein. The concept is not different because of different squiggles used, it's the same protein regardless of name...It's the same here)
Click to expand...

She claims I'm the only guy I'm dating, but I'm pretty sure she's keeping herself from being in a relationship so she can still shop around. I don't blame her, she's never truly been "single".

Edvard Munch said:
One thing that's important and missing from your post is what are the efforts you tried to become a couple?
Click to expand...

I've asked her to be my boyfriend once. She said she wasn't ready, because she has been in a relationship her entire dating life. She dated a guy for 3 years, broke up and dated another guy for a month(rebound).

In a week or two I planned to take her out to a nice dinner and have a romantic night. I am not the "relaxed" person in the relationship, however.

It's causing me a lot less pain since I've reorganized my life and started pursuing my dream rather than a girl.

Red Flags:
1) Rarely hangs out with me on the weekend
2) Does not care if I hook up with other people (Which I did.)
3) Seems more interested in my physical appearance than personality.
4) Could be dating someone else on the side.

Good Flags:
1) Says she cares about me, but not emotionally ready for a relationship.
2) Very sexually attracted to me;
3) We share common interests
4) Has mostly female friends.

The situation got a lot simpler after I changed my mind set. She's sort of a nerdy girl, so it's difficult to comprehend if guys are going to chase after her like they did my skinny, red-head ex. At the same time, I feel like I need to do personal e-detective work and see if she's the lying type.
 
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She's your BEST FRIEND and claims she is only dating you? I think she deserves your trust, if she is truly your best friend, in the absence of good reason not to.

She does not care if you hook up? Maybe she is not physically jealous. Perhaps the emotional bond is all that matters to her. She might never care. It's a perspective I have, so I figure I'd toss the possibility out there to evaluate.
Nerd girls get chased! I'm chasing a physician, a student and an enginerd. That she wishes to spend time you speaks for itself.


dont second guess it, just enjoy her companionship and affection. Your situation sounds quite nice, IMO.
 
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^i agree with this guy. She might see sex as just sex but enjoys the emotional bond you two have (lots of people think sex=love, she might see that this is not true). Or she really wants to be with you but isnt ready and doesnt want you to feel "tied down", she still wants you to enjoy your life while she gets hers in order. Those are my thoughts though. Where can i find a girl like this?
 
rangrz said:
I dunno man. The term ' girlfriend' is just notation, it's just a formalism. As such, it means nothing in terms of the real world system it represents.
Click to expand...

Like how you put that, and it's true it can mean many things. I.e. it can be like a Romeo & Juliet type thing with two new lovers hysterically in love, something a bit more moderate than that, someone just using each other for something or other, someone who don't even know what love is and just playing it out like an act, and someone bored to death of each other after years together who can't wait to get out.

Anyway, I think what he means is just someone who returns his feelings, whatever they might be, and wants to get going with the same type of thing that he has in mind. In other words, a traditional romantic/sexual relationship where feelings are mutual and his needs are met.
 
We're no longer talking and my feelings for her are diminishing pretty quickly.

I mean, she pretty much messaged me on facebook and I picked her up from her ex-boyfriend's house. We sat down in my room and started watching a movie. I noticed she wasn't wearing underwear. I pulled out my penis and told her to sit on it. We fucked. Then we started hanging out more and I found out she had good tastes and I got attached. She didn't.

I was dumb for expecting someone that easy to be a decent person.

Cruel world, but my passionate side fades away.
 
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