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A life or meth situation

B

Brandasaur

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 14, 2012
Messages
164
Location
Vancouver
So i came to the realization that meth was ruining my life. I have my first kid on the way and im a jobless, depressed, possibly psychotic meth addict. I have been smoking meth heavily/daily for the last two months. I took my last hoot last night. I am now on day one and it sucks. I have been tearing up at nothing, im fucking depressed and i just feel like i have nothing to live for. Nothing is making me happy.

I know that if i just pick up the pipe then all this will go away and ill just drift off into bliss like every other day but i just cant do it anymore. And its not just that, its the ritual of smoking that im addicted to also. I fell in love with rocking the puddle.... I know my way around addictions, after being a member of NA for 4 years and whatnot i have learned how to stay clean. But i dont know, ive never experienced something as powerful as smoking meth.

Heres what im doing to get clean, Im moving to a different city, one where none of my friends would ever touch it. Im also going to be living with fellow recovering addicts, who just so happen to be my parents. Im going to see my old psychologist who really knows his shit and possibly a D&A. Im thinking of buying an ecig too just because of the fact that half of my love affair with meth was actually smoking it.

Anywho, anybody here have experience with overcoming meth addiction? How did you do it? What were some tricks and tips you have? Anything you can say that can help me get through this?
 
Brandasaur, I'll leave it to people better equipped than I to talk to you about meth addiction and recovery but I just wanted to tell you congratulations for deciding to do this. You know what I would as a motivating strategy? I would get a copy of the picture from your baby's ultrasound if you have one and look at it throughout each day. If you don't have that, maybe you could write the name/s you have picked out and look at those. Your first child is someone who can help you through this before he or she is even in your arms. All the parts of yourself that you are going to have to call on while you get through this--courage, tenacity, strength, grit, humility, belief in yourself and your own capacity--these are the same things that you will be able to pass on to your child as a father. Fighting for control of your life is a heroic thing to do.

It sounds like you have done lots of strategizing and planning for the best possible outcome. I wish you strength and clarity and all the luck in the world.<3<3
 
You know i wish i could do that, except the mother of the child has cut every single tie with me. Blocked me on fb, told everybody not to give me her number ect. I have no idea whats going on with my own child.... That is one of the reasons i was smoking it i guess, it made me feel something besides the empty feeling of the basic loss of my child.
 
The good news for you is you have rights as the biological father, but you gotta be clean because I guarantee the judge will piss test you at your custody hearing. Good luck friend, I'm struggling with an addiction right now myself. You can do this...
 
Well Im nearing the end of day one. My day consisted of being completely and utterly depressed. I was on the verge of tears all day for no fucking reason. My mood is a little more stable now though. I also havent slept in 2 days and im tired as fuck but awake at the same time, last time i smoked was about exactly 24 hours ago though. so i dont know whats going on...
 
It will get better. Unisom worked wonders for me for sleep, benzos for the rls and anxiety and Imodium for the other wd symptoms.hang in there, you're in for a hell of a ride. But don't give up, you got this!
 
Brand, if you enjoy the act of smoking, you know the sensation of inhaling, you can use the e-cig and purchase zero nicotine grade juice. If it will help with cravings and that oral fixation, I say go for it. The ecigarettes you buy in stores (convenient/liquor) are absolute junk. If you want something that works I would recommend looking up a product called the e-goW. That will come with all of the necessary components needed for a reasonable amount of vapor. Then you will need to purchase the juice. Most online websites will allow you to select the nicotine grade and for the baby's sake you can choose zero nicotine.

Other than that, I know how hard addiction can be :(. The first 1-3 months are the hardest, but once you get past that, especially with stimulants, you begin to see a clear. <3 Continue to seek support, it is very difficult to battle addiction on your own.
 
firstly dude congrats on the little one. do you know if your having a little boy or little girl, names?

moving is a great idea. changing the environment your living in helped me and i hope it helps you too. the other big help for me was exercise, it really helped me feel better about myself both physically and psychologically

all the very best!! people will envy you, you have a child on the way, you are lucky

'he who has a why to live can bear almost any how' Nietzsche
 
I know exactly what you mean about smoking meth. I've been clean a year and I still get insane cravings for it. Something about it..more powerful than any other drug. Stick with it, you can do this. Do it for your kid.
 
You're going about this the right way Brand. The only way I could quit was by moving away and cutting all my ties with old friends like you are doing. Take things day by day and you'll be gold. I strongly suggest you keep yourself busy even though you might feel too depressed to do anything. I find when I'm not busy and my mind is more idle, I crave more...not good. Try new things and find a hobby that you can immerse yourself in, like photography or whatever may float your boat. Exercise will help you feel better and make this easier as well.

I hope things work out for you and you're able to be a part of your baby's life. If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me. <3
 
If you even leave one door slightly open, addiction will kick it down and chances are you will end up using - it always happens with me , i won't delete ONE number ... everything else i change up, move cut ties etc ... but be careful to not let yourself any outs. I've only dabbled w meth, been a heroin addict for 8 years, but with any addiction the fact you are you doing this for yourself first is encouraging. You have to hold your head up for trying on this man, it's the hardest thing anyone can do.
 
Thanks for the support everyone. Last night after the high was gone and the usual time that i would stay sober before i picked up had past, I just started bawling. For no reason at all. I also have anxiety disorder and OCD where i obsess about harming myself and others so i started having a panic attack. I had no mediction to help because i had sold it all for meth. It was my 3rd night up and i was having mad hallucinations. I went to the hospital and they gave me 2mg of ativan after i told them i had an extremely high benzo tolerance (4mg clonazepam daily with barely any effect). 5 mins later i started freaking the fuck out in the hospital, they told me to go home but i was like "HOW THE FUCK DO I GO HOME AND SLEEP WHEN THE WALLS AROUND ME ARE MELTING AND I FEEL LIKE IM DIENG AND IM SO DEPRESSED I WANT TO KILL MYSELF" After 5 mins of anxiety induced rage they gave me 2mg of clonazepam. Still no effect. I told them i wasnt leaving and to check me into the psych ward but they said there was no one open atm. I went home, tried to calm down and eventually passed out.

Now today im on my way to my hometown kelowna to be with my support group of friends fam and councillors. I went to the walk in to try and get something incase this hapened again while i was on my 6 hour bus ride to kelowna. The doctor gave me yet again 2mg ativan. Like wtf is that going to do.... I need some goddamn vallium.

Im scared that the meth may have fucked with my brain and that my OCD will become worse and i may actually harm someone in one of my anxiety induced rages.
 
Everything seems to be getting better now. Thanks fr all the help and support guys <3

Does anybody have any tips on how to restore my brain to normal function? or in otherwords, how the hell do i stop being so depressed? or do i just have to wait it out.
 
Brandasaur said:
Anything you can say that can help me get through this?
Click to expand...

Persistance.
Always know that you are better off without it.
After meth, It takes sooome time to regain a clean slate again.. But things will work out for you if you keep on aiming for that goal.
And you should really follow your gut instinct and quit now, 2 months into the habit, before you watch it turn into a 1, 2, 5 year battle.
 
one thing that helps me when im using... is thinking if I don't stop now (this only works when your out of drugs before you go and buy more) is if im this bad right now, craving this bad how much worse will my addiction be in a few months. If things are this shitty, out of money, friends hate me, gf pissed.. how much worse will it be in 3 months... just... try.. Its hard when you have drugs (impossible for me) to not use them up but when I have a couple days clean and I think of going through the pain and misery again.. sometimes it helps... or thinking where will I be in a few months.. sooner or later that drug won't give you a escape also with meth you stand a chance of burning out your pleasure sensors in your brain once that is done you'll never get enjoyment from life again.
 
Your brain is extremely resilient. You will make a recovery and be a normal person. Like heart break, like any addiction, you must give the mind time to re cooperate. The hardest part won't be returning to normal, but never going back.

Regardless if you do or do not go back, it's never a bad idea to take a break from amphetamines. Find a job and stay busy. You'll see the brightness of life again and once you do you may never want to go back.
 
After what i went through the first few days of quitting i already know i never want to go back. I dont even want to use it 'on occasion' because i know that that is never going to be possible.
 
your brain will do everything it can to trigger you to use again.... you have to learn to be sober just like you learned to be addicted its a fight
 
I'm going through this struggle as we speak brother.

Meth is a cruel fucking mistress. The cruelest I've encountered. I've done plenty of drugs in my day... and nothing quite hooked me like meth did.

But just remember it does get better with time. What is helping me is weed. I know a lot will suggest being 100% sober. Many will also mention the very VALID point that weed can intensify the psychosis... As the longer you use, the more the neurotoxicity and meth creates some very real imbalances in your brain that will lead to even more intense psychosis... which could be permanent. But I digress, message me if you'd like. I don't know you but I am here for you. I know your pain so very well. After my last relapse I got very very close to committing suicide. It's incredible how painful the depression is coming off the shit... but for me personally what is more incredible is how quickly meth ravaged my life. While high on meth I was the "anti" me. I would steal, be ridiculously careless with my health, safety and sexual practices... I was essentially a walking talking mess.. and within no time.. credit card debt built, lost my job, lost most of my friends, family turned their back on me etc. One day I woke up from a crash and looked at my life and realized my life was in utter ruin and I didn't even see it happening. Unlike opioids where you see your downfall... meth somehow kept me blind to how badly I was ruining my life... just to wake up shocked one day to see my life in ruin.

Now the hardest part for me, probably for you and all the others out there addicted to meth as well, is "fixing" life. Getting a new job, dealing with the cravings/depression/anhedonia etc. plus trying to start over. Its all very painful and let me tell you.. for me personally... without weed and the occasional benzo.. I'd probably be still on meth in some ditch somewhere begging for change. You CAN do it. It will just take some very strong coping skills and the right mindset. For me, meth isn't worth what it does to me. Not only physically... but emotionally and how it makes me behave. I can't afford to waste any more of my life fucking up on such a massive level. No drug makes me fuck up quite like meth. With that said, good luck! You can do it c:

Best advice I can give:

Avoid researching, talking about, discussing meth. Worry about that later but as for now try to stay distracted and busy.

Benzos, opioids and other sedatives should only be used sparingly.. because trust me.. last thing you want is to replace meth addiction with a benzo or opioid addiction. Remember that meth is a very difficult drug to put down once you've been addicted so try not to fall for the "just one hit" or "just one more time" trap. Just "one time" is what got us addicted to meth in the first place.

Try to see the big picture. Your future. Does meth fit into this future? Probably not. We tend to glorify our DOC when we are trying to quit it.... but we forget how awful it made us feel during withdrawal or how much it was making us miserable because of the damage it did to our lives. Remember, that meth withdrawal is temporary. Whenever I come off meth... for the first week I am utterly miserable. I cry constantly, feel like there is no hope... I tend to call people and beg for forgiveness etc. This is all just typical withdrawal symptoms that won't last. For me personally though.. the cravings get worse as time goes on for about the first month or so. I unfortunately have yet to quit for longer than 2 months... but I've only been addicted for roughly 7 months off and on. I know what mistakes I made though.

1 of the biggest mistakes I made was trying to remain friends with my meth using friends. Another is messaging people I know I shouldn't.. talking about meth... then jumping on the opportunity to use again. I'd avoid all of that if you can. Just delete facebook all together if you can, if not make sure to create that distance. Also SMART recovery helps. CBT and DBT skills are your friend.

Hope this helps. Make sure to stay hydrated and eat healthy balanced meals. Take a multivitamin along with fish oil too. For sleep there are many options. Try to avoid strong addictive sedatives. c:
 
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