Okay so..to try and not make this a 50 page novel..ill try and summarize. The year was 2004. I was 14. I just started "dating" this girl I met from church. Her name was, Lauren. We dated off and on for about two and a half years. Some may say the best part of those 2.5yrs would be losing my virginity, maybe falling in love for the first time (or so I thought) but that would be untrue. The best part would be me meeting her best friend, Sarah. Oh, Sarah..I met you when I was 14 too. Except you were only 12 at the time. A little young for me but I remember thinking she had the most breath taking smile. She was always making me laugh too. She was the one I complained too when I was fighting with my gf(Lauren)
Now..right off the bat, Sarah liked me. She always tried to play it off like she didn't like me at all since Lauren would constantly get suspicious of Sarah and myself. Back then we never said we had feelings for each other (Sarah and I) But deep down..we knew..we didn't even have to say anything.
Fast forward 2.5yrs (2006) I break up with Lauren. Sarah and I are still best of friends. She is the ONLY friend who has stuck by me thru my now pretty hefty drug addiction. She was also the only one I could fully be 100% honest with. No matter what. Sarah is now almost 15. I was 17. She finally confesses outloud she loves me. And always has. I was in a bad place in my life, I just said "sorry" and dipped out. I moved to cali for 2 years. We kept in touch. I told her I loved her and moved back (2009). She was dating one of my best friends tho. In fact, she lost her virginity to him. I was fucking livid, heart broken, and just all around destroyed. We had always talked about doing that together...but I was an idiot and left.
Fast forward, rewind, go back and forth..fact is our time just never "synched up" - we forced it once and it obviously didn't work. I just recently confessed a little less than a year ago I was still deeply in love with her and have never stopped loving her but she no longer felt the same..she was no longer attracted to me in that way. But they lets still be best friends!! Fuck...those are the devils words!
I guess in my head i always thought in the back of my head "one day..one day ill get my shit together and we will be together forever!" but now there is no hope..she said it herself..so now i feel absolutely helpless.
I can't help but think the reasoning for her not loving me anymore is solely because of how I lived my life. I used to be a really, really nice guy. She said I also had a smile that melted her insides. But all that changed. I turned to drugs. In fact, the first time she told me she no longer loved me (1st time we didnt "synch up") is the first night I did meth. A few weeks later when it actually sunk in "hey ! she doesn't love you..she never will..." I shot up heroin. And I never stopped.
5 years later and I'm still doing dope, still no traits that would attract her (e.g. normal stuff, job, own apt, own car..not living with my parents, with no car, no job, and an insane dope habit.)
I sorta cleaned up my habit, got a job, started building my life back...and yet she still said there will never be a chance for us.
So I dove back into dope....
I'm basically out of veins..I've been using my femoral and my jugular veins. The simple "high" no longer helps with shit. I know it never "fixes " anything. But it used to at least block shit out and make me not care. Well now it can't even do that. Now I have to mix xanax and meth daily and black out 50% of the day and sleep the other 50% jsut to get thru the day. The small amount of time that I am conscious I want to die..
It doesn't matter how fucked up my life is..I don't give a shit about any of it, I just want her...I just want her to love me...
I've had MANY countless depression spurts. But this is an all-time extreme. I;ve never been so darkly depressed, so alone, so empty inside, so hopeless...(hopeless w/o her, i know i can turn my life around as far as the dope goes, its just its the only thing keeping me from doing stomething stupid)
I've agreed to still be "best friends" with her..she has ALWAYS been there for me more times than I can count..I need to be there for her now. A couple weeks ago she got drunk and tried to make out with me and said "sorry i broke you..sorry it wont work out..but thank you for always loving me and being better to me than my own family" -- So that makes me think...
Mayyybe, if I once again...pull my shit together. And keep it up, maybe eventually, over time, she will start to love me again. Or who knows, could have just been 100% booze talking and not just the booze bringing the truth out like I hope.
Either way I'm slowly starting to plan out my life and get things on the right track. With or without this girl. My sobriety should NOT be dependent on her. So ill try and make it not be.
So I'm slowly but surely starting to make changes in my life towards a new, better-self. If fate so happens that down the line we get together, awesome! if not..I still need my sobriety..
This may not make a whole lot of sense. What I'm really trying to say is I'm truly at a darkest and lowest point in my life right now. I feel like life is meaningless without this girl. Like If I can't be with her, might as well jump off a bridge! -- I won't...just explaining how I feel and the reason for this post.
I'm hoping someone her has been in the "Best friends" situation maybe something else similar..
And thats my major problem now..dealing with the fact that she will NEVER LOVE ME! I just cannot accept that..I know everyone says "oh i cant live without this girl! blah blah blah" but its different..she is my best and only friend that has stuck by me..she TRULY is my EVERYTHING!
How can I learn to go about my life knowing it will never be? How can I stay sober when the one thing in my life I care about is dying..
I just need help staying positive, maybe tips to stay sober, like something to do whenever i think about her and want to use?
I no longer have any friends...its sad..she is my only one. I really, really would love it if someone here could be here to talk to to get my mind off shit when i want to give up and relapse..
Now..right off the bat, Sarah liked me. She always tried to play it off like she didn't like me at all since Lauren would constantly get suspicious of Sarah and myself. Back then we never said we had feelings for each other (Sarah and I) But deep down..we knew..we didn't even have to say anything.
Fast forward 2.5yrs (2006) I break up with Lauren. Sarah and I are still best of friends. She is the ONLY friend who has stuck by me thru my now pretty hefty drug addiction. She was also the only one I could fully be 100% honest with. No matter what. Sarah is now almost 15. I was 17. She finally confesses outloud she loves me. And always has. I was in a bad place in my life, I just said "sorry" and dipped out. I moved to cali for 2 years. We kept in touch. I told her I loved her and moved back (2009). She was dating one of my best friends tho. In fact, she lost her virginity to him. I was fucking livid, heart broken, and just all around destroyed. We had always talked about doing that together...but I was an idiot and left.
Fast forward, rewind, go back and forth..fact is our time just never "synched up" - we forced it once and it obviously didn't work. I just recently confessed a little less than a year ago I was still deeply in love with her and have never stopped loving her but she no longer felt the same..she was no longer attracted to me in that way. But they lets still be best friends!! Fuck...those are the devils words!
I guess in my head i always thought in the back of my head "one day..one day ill get my shit together and we will be together forever!" but now there is no hope..she said it herself..so now i feel absolutely helpless.
I can't help but think the reasoning for her not loving me anymore is solely because of how I lived my life. I used to be a really, really nice guy. She said I also had a smile that melted her insides. But all that changed. I turned to drugs. In fact, the first time she told me she no longer loved me (1st time we didnt "synch up") is the first night I did meth. A few weeks later when it actually sunk in "hey ! she doesn't love you..she never will..." I shot up heroin. And I never stopped.
5 years later and I'm still doing dope, still no traits that would attract her (e.g. normal stuff, job, own apt, own car..not living with my parents, with no car, no job, and an insane dope habit.)
I sorta cleaned up my habit, got a job, started building my life back...and yet she still said there will never be a chance for us.
So I dove back into dope....
I'm basically out of veins..I've been using my femoral and my jugular veins. The simple "high" no longer helps with shit. I know it never "fixes " anything. But it used to at least block shit out and make me not care. Well now it can't even do that. Now I have to mix xanax and meth daily and black out 50% of the day and sleep the other 50% jsut to get thru the day. The small amount of time that I am conscious I want to die..
It doesn't matter how fucked up my life is..I don't give a shit about any of it, I just want her...I just want her to love me...
I've had MANY countless depression spurts. But this is an all-time extreme. I;ve never been so darkly depressed, so alone, so empty inside, so hopeless...(hopeless w/o her, i know i can turn my life around as far as the dope goes, its just its the only thing keeping me from doing stomething stupid)
I've agreed to still be "best friends" with her..she has ALWAYS been there for me more times than I can count..I need to be there for her now. A couple weeks ago she got drunk and tried to make out with me and said "sorry i broke you..sorry it wont work out..but thank you for always loving me and being better to me than my own family" -- So that makes me think...
Mayyybe, if I once again...pull my shit together. And keep it up, maybe eventually, over time, she will start to love me again. Or who knows, could have just been 100% booze talking and not just the booze bringing the truth out like I hope.
Either way I'm slowly starting to plan out my life and get things on the right track. With or without this girl. My sobriety should NOT be dependent on her. So ill try and make it not be.
So I'm slowly but surely starting to make changes in my life towards a new, better-self. If fate so happens that down the line we get together, awesome! if not..I still need my sobriety..
This may not make a whole lot of sense. What I'm really trying to say is I'm truly at a darkest and lowest point in my life right now. I feel like life is meaningless without this girl. Like If I can't be with her, might as well jump off a bridge! -- I won't...just explaining how I feel and the reason for this post.
I'm hoping someone her has been in the "Best friends" situation maybe something else similar..
And thats my major problem now..dealing with the fact that she will NEVER LOVE ME! I just cannot accept that..I know everyone says "oh i cant live without this girl! blah blah blah" but its different..she is my best and only friend that has stuck by me..she TRULY is my EVERYTHING!
How can I learn to go about my life knowing it will never be? How can I stay sober when the one thing in my life I care about is dying..
I just need help staying positive, maybe tips to stay sober, like something to do whenever i think about her and want to use?
I no longer have any friends...its sad..she is my only one. I really, really would love it if someone here could be here to talk to to get my mind off shit when i want to give up and relapse..
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