Help?

[Pagey]

Hey,
So I haven't been on here for a couple months or so and I realized I probably should have to get the support I need. Anyway I've had a really bad few months. I withdrew from benzos in april and except for two minor relapses, have been sober from them since. I was really happy I was doing so well and stuff, until other things happened in my life and I realized I just COULDNT deal with them 'alone'...if you know what I mean. And so now I think I'm addicted to oxycontin and I'm so pissed at myself, I really hate myself for letting myself fall into that trap again. I feel like SUCH an idiot; I mean it's ridiculous. I'm pathetic. I feel like I'm just going to keep going around in this circle and I have no idea how to get out of it. Whenever I see a bit of hope it ends up disappearing in a matter of days. I just don't fucking know what to do or if there's a point in trying. I'm considering trying suicide again.

 

[stardust.hero]

Pagey, I'm so happy you decided to open yourself up to support in TDS. It has helped me so much in overcoming my addictions and impulses to relapse. It's done far more for me that any AA/NA program ever could. There is always 1 on 1 attention going on and it's available 24/7.

I can identify with how you feel in the aspect of jumping from one drug to another. Opiates were one of my most difficult hurdles to overcome. Reading around and responding to threads really helped me a lot. It really wasn't just one response that did it for me so even if you don't get something that clicks in this thread, the entire experience and responding to others might actually help you in the long run.

 

[HCandKROD]

I finished a taper schedule off benzos in late April and I can relate to you.It was the hardest drug I have ever kicked. I still feel strange some days. The urge to take other chemicals is sometimes overpowering. You're stronger than you think. I write down what I want to do just for that day. I might do only 2 things out of a list of 6 but for me it is a victory. I wish you the best.

 

[Nicklazz]

NO SUICIDE sweet, sweet Pagey.

You gonna make it, even if it's hard atm.

 

[herbavore]

I write down what I want to do just for that day. I might do only 2 things out of a list of 6 but for me it is a victory. I wish you the best.

I like your strategy,HC! Sometimes when everything feels so big and so overwhelming, the small stuff is truly what we can hang onto and it gets us through. Congrats on getting off benzos to both of you. That seems to be one of the toughest to recover from.

Pagey, I am so glad that you started this thread. Trusting your instincts that tell you that isolating isn't good is a very strong step to take and even though this is the internet, it still takes courage. As discouraged as you may feel right now, give yourself credit for kicking the benzos and for being honest with yourself and others about the opiates. Don't waste your energy feeling stupid. Life got rough with you and you made some sketchy decisions and now you have to believe in yourself and your abilities, not undermine yourself with shame. What kind of support do you have outside of here? Are you seeing a therapist or do you have a good friend that you can confide in? What about a group?--would that feel comfortable to you?

Take care and let your feelings out. There is only one way through them and that is with them.

 

[Pagey]

Thanks so much to all of you. I really appreciate it.
stardust.hero: I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who had problems with jumping from one drug to another. I keep feeling incredibly stupid for letting that happen because I was just so careful not to get sucked back in to benzo hell that I didn't realize I couldn't stop taking opiates, which isn't any better obviously.
HC: thank you for the writing idea. It sounds like it could be very helpful and I'll try it out.
herbavore: to be honest I don't have all that much support outside of BL. I did have a therapist but she's currently away for another 3 weeks or so, and I was just on vacation in another country for a month so I haven't seen her in forever...also I'm moving to another country in september so I'll have to start all over again
As for friends, I have one or two I can talk to vaguely abotu my drug-related problems but I'm not comfortable going in to much detail about it with them because I always feel like they're judging me, even if they try not to show it.
Actually I'm just terrified of the idea of being judged for takign drugs, which really limits how much I'm able to talk about it, be it with friends or a therapist.
I did go to NA meetings when I was starting to quit benzos but I was waay younger than everyone there which didn't make me feel at ease.

Thanks again to all of you. I'm already really glad I decided to come back on here.

 

[herbavore]

I don't know where you are moving but one thing you could check out is an AA/NA group for teens (if you are in your teens) or just check a lot of different ones out because I know when my son went, he finally found one with more people his age and that was much more comfortable to him. Hopefully you will live in a big enough city to offer a variety. (Non plus Paris?)

I can also understand your reluctance to talk to your friends. Talking to a therapist should be different, though. They are being paid to help you sort things out and if you don't reveal what needs sorting out then you are just shooting yourself in the foot. Maybe starting over with a new therapist isn't such a bad thing. You can talk about your opiate dependence along with the other issues you are struggling with at the same time. Remember that internalizing the judgement and shame associated with drugs and addiction is one of the strongest triggers to keep using as well as isolating you from potential help. Very few people can overcome dependence without support. I can empathize with the desire to just quietly take care of it yourself but unfortunately that is usually unrealistic. You need to deal with it now before it gets worse so asking for help soon is to your advantage.

 

[Pagey]

I'll be moving to London, for uni - I didn't know they had AA/NA groups for teens actually, but that definitely sounds like it could be helpful. I feel like England would probably have a much larger choice of that sort of meeting than Paris does...it's extremely limited here.

I think with my therapist for the moment I just always tended to beat around the bush and talk about all my issues that led or contribute to my drug use, but never really talked about my drug use itself, when you're right I should. It feels really hard to just manage to put the feeling of shame aside and just announce "I'm a drug addict", or "I'd gotten out and then I fell back in the trap"...I dunno. If only everyone was as non-judgmental about it as you are

Thanks

 

[Anoymator]

I'll be moving to London, for uni - I didn't know they had AA/NA groups for teens actually, but that definitely sounds like it could be helpful. I feel like England would probably have a much larger choice of that sort of meeting than Paris does...it's extremely limited here.

I think with my therapist for the moment I just always tended to beat around the bush and talk about all my issues that led or contribute to my drug use, but never really talked about my drug use itself, when you're right I should. It feels really hard to just manage to put the feeling of shame aside and just announce "I'm a drug addict", or "I'd gotten out and then I fell back in the trap"...I dunno. If only everyone was as non-judgmental about it as you are

Thanks

Hi Pagey,

As far as I'm concerned, there are plenty of AA/NA groups in the UK and while drug use among young adults is rampant (cannabis, primarily), I don't know if any groups target the younger crowd as opposed to the stereotypical middle aged alcoholic. If I hear of any, I'll let you know.

Don't be put off by the feelings experienced from having returned to the drug. You are not an idiot nor pathetic, that's the first thing!

You have simply some issues which are deep rooted that need to be addressed before being able to wean off succesfully from the oxys, otherwise you'll keep coming back to abusing drugs, whether oxys or benzos or other drugs. We all have issues and I find most drug users do in fact self-medicate with their drug of choice without realizing they are putting a temporary patch on their actual issue. Say, someone who has severe ADHD will find using meth on a daily basis makes him/her functional when he/she could instead use therapeutic doses of prescribed amphetamine + CBT and psychotherapy to effectively deal with the issue which caused him/her to use meth in the first place.

What I am trying to say is that you first need to look at what caused you to reach for the oxycodone, identify a solution with which to proceed and then make a plan as to how you are going to tackle the issue as you wean off from the drug. It's more of a hollistic approach and sometimes you will need professional help. The only thing with opiods of such calibre (oxycodone) is that physical withdrawal sets in fairly fast so it is in your benefit to seek a solution as soon as possible. I think that you moving to a new country and starting "a new life" will help immensely and shed new light on the aforementioned issue which may have you reaching for the drug.

And again, you are not an idiot nor pathetic, ok?!

 

[Pagey]

Anoymator, thanks for the reassuring words
I'm entirely aware of the fact that I'm self-medicating. I also feel like I really know all of the reasons which led me to turn to drugs in the first place, but the thing is I also feel like I've tried every other way to feel better and deal with them without drugs. I guess I've sort of given up on trying, except that I feel guilty about that every second...I dunno. I've been moderately to severely depressed for years now and it seems drugs were/are the only thing that can give me temporary relief, but of course I know it's not a real solution and it's doing more harm than good, hence why I hate myself for turning back to them
Thanks again

 

[sconnie420]

hey pagey,
1st of all, you're not pathetic and suicide isnt the answer. a lot of us here have been where you are, so you'll find a lot of good support here. I, also, am not good at dealing w/ shit alone, but find myself having to most of the time and it's very hard. Ive found a lot of good friends here though, so that helps..keep your head up bud, and pm me if you ever need to.

 

[Pagey]

Well I haven't touched anything in about 3 days...I feel absolutely horrible though, just so intensely depressed and I don't know if I can hold on much longer God this is awful. the physical part is fine, I don't really care, but I just don't want to have to go back to dealing with everything sober...I dunno. I don't know if I can continue. Or if there's any point in continuing.

 

[sconnie420]

Hugs!!

I wish there was something I could say to make u feel better.. 3 days is good though, congrats.. I really hope things turn around 4 u soon doll.

 

[bluroxcat]

Pagey, I'm new to bluelight but not to opiate use. I agree wholeheartedly with Anoymater; you have issues that have helped to contribute to your addictive tendencies whether you are conscious of exactly what they are or not. Keep up the work with your therapist, don't be afraid to go deep. It sounds like what you may need to be discussing with her most is what might have caused you to go for the drugs in the first place which means acknowledging the drug use but TALKING about your issues. Psychotherapy, which is starting at your childhood and moving through your life to determine what has caused your issues might work well for you. It can take a long time but you will have many rewarding moments along the way and it will give you great insight about yourself and why "you are the way you are". It can help with many aspects of your life, not just the drug use because it makes you self-aware and being self-aware is half the battle. Being able to stand up in front of others and admit you're an addict is good but being able to explain to yourself and others WHY you're an addict is empowering and you sound like you could use some empowerment. Knowing why makes it easier to change.

Good luck, love and light to you!

 

[captaincaveman]

I'll be moving to London, for uni - I didn't know they had AA/NA groups for teens actually, but that definitely sounds like it could be helpful. I feel like England would probably have a much larger choice of that sort of meeting than Paris does...it's extremely limited here.

I think with my therapist for the moment I just always tended to beat around the bush and talk about all my issues that led or contribute to my drug use, but never really talked about my drug use itself, when you're right I should. It feels really hard to just manage to put the feeling of shame aside and just announce "I'm a drug addict", or "I'd gotten out and then I fell back in the trap"...I dunno. If only everyone was as non-judgmental about it as you are

Thanks

Pagey, j'espere que tu vas mieux and that is where my attempt to communicate in French will end. To be honest what you have done is exactly what happened to me a couple of years ago. I had finally broken my xanax habit which had been going on for a few years (needed some inpatient treatment as well so props for doing it yourself) then got into heroin after getting some bad news. But here's the good news, kicking opiates (heroin for me) is a lot easier than benzos. When I was in rehab getting off the xanax a lot of fellow patients were taking the piss out of me as they were addicted to a real drug, heroin. The main doctor sat us all down and explained that benzos are harder to quit than heroin and they shouldn't mock me for being on a 'pussy' drug.
Anyway, if you're moving to London, why don't you PM me and we could hook up? Its my home city and I can show you a whole world of sober pursuits that are not simply going to NA. A brave move going to a foreign land when you're feeling more than a little 'off colour' and to be honest mate, you should be careful because London is the drug capital of Europe in my opinion (and that is not a boast!). Think about it and don't be afraid I'm not mental or anything (Waynes World).
Bon chance, mon ami

 

[captaincaveman]

oh and anoymator, there are special NA meetings for younger people in London (dunno about the rest of the UK). I remember going to AA meetings a few years ago and being put off by being surrounded by gristly old men (sounds harsh I know but difficult to connect). Check out www.ukna.org for a list of meetings near your campus that suit your needs. There are plenty. Some are gender specific, sexuality specific and age specific. If you don't feel comfortable in one just try another

 

[Pagey]

bluroxcat - thank you. To be honest I think I know pretty much which are the issues that have made me turn to drugs, but of course there may be some underlying stuff that I'm not aware of at all. I guess knowing is better than being completely in the dark about all this, but clearly it hasn't stopped me from using anyway. I think it'll help me to move to a new country & and a new life in just a couple weeks, so I can sort of just start over and put all the negative stuff behind me.

captaincaveman - merci et bien essayé avec le français, c'était pas mal du tout . I'm really reassured to hear that the same thing happened to you, although of course I'm sorry it did. Yeah I haven't taken any oxys in 5 days so I'm starting to feel much happier with myself. It was really easier to stop (and wow, so much less painful) than with the benzos, I have to agree with you. Although it's true that for the past couple of days I've been on Lyrica, as prescribed by my doctor, to help with the withdrawals and also because of unrelated pain, so that might be why. Anyway, five days sober pretty much, so hooray.
Yeah I thought about that for London (that there's a lot of drugs there). It makes me all the more nervous that I'll be in university where as far as I've heard, there's usually a lot of "experimenting". But hopefully I'll be able to manage..We'll see I guess.
And yeah I'll PM you

Thanks so much for the link!!