Does anyone have advice on managing the early emotions of quitting an addiction?

[xburtonchic]

*POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING*

I'm in the process of quitting heroin... doing the detox thing, going to rehab, and on to sober living, the works. I know I've said I'm going to quit about a million times before, but this time it's different. It's different because I know this is absolutely it, even if I wanted to go cop, I wouldn't be able to. I've wanted this, and now I've gotten what I wished for, and I'm going to see it through.

Just one tiny little problem. That part where you realize "Oh My God, this is really it, it's not in my life anymore", and you actually start mourning the drug and the people and the lifestyle. I can't seem to stop crying and I'm so depressed over the thought of never seeing my drug dealer again, or talking to him even, <or doing any of the rest of what I used to do> I'm actually depressed over losing the shit that ruined my life. And I'm scared of it being gone forever. It was my crutch for so long... and I got so used to the lifestyle... it's like I'm losing my comfort zone. Fuck I can't even think about my drug dealer without bursting into tears. Idk what it is about my ex-dealer, maybe it's because he's like the only human that connects all of this... if that makes sense... but the only time I start bawling my stupid eyes out is when he pops up into my head. It's like I'm lovesick or something, but for a completely different reason. I mean, okay, he was hot and I did have a small crush on him... maybe... but that is not why I can't stop crying. If I don't cry about the guy I'm really in love with never talking to me, then I am definitely not about to cry because I'm never going to see someone I had a tiny crush on at one point.

Okay I'm getting off topic. Anyway how do you deal with that mourning process? It's so hard, especially on top of the cravings. It's like a double edged sword. On one hand, the thought of continuing this lifestyle somehow and continuing to hurt my family upsets me, but on the other hand, the thought of never going through the process <snip>is extremely upsetting to me as well. I'm so sorry that this is triggering. I'm just really being triggered myself at the moment, and by absolutely nothing other than my own thoughts. Or maybe it's that my surroundings are so familiar absolutely everything reminds me of it.

I don't know. But why does it feel like someone I love has just died? And does anyone else have experience with this happening when they've decided to quit and commit to an actual plan of rehab and etc.? It's not rehab I'm scared of... I actually enjoy rehabs... it's just the thought of ending this lifestyle altogether. Any tips on how to deal with this part?

 

[g0to]

You have tricked your brain into getting all this extra stimulation and now you are cravin the one thing that can bring back the same levels of euphoria that you have habitually gotten yourself to love and crave. It will only pass with time but realize this ... it is a completely self destructive habit and puts your life at a LOT of danger. The risk to reward isn't worth it. There are many other positively influencing 'crutches' to use. Take up some hobbies with all your newfound free time and you will quickly see yourself not missing dope or even thinking about it as much anymore. You need to engage your brain differently with the environment so that it can relearn self-sufficient regulatory mechanisms.

 

[daytryptr]

When you think about using, don't think about how its going to hurt your family, or how the thought of never experiencing it again is legitimately upsetting.

Let it go and go find something else to do. Put it out of your mind, and by having the discipline to do that, after you get some distance from those thoughts by doing something productive (can be anything) and feeling good for doing so, let it come back and try and work with those emotions again in a different state of mind. Your enemy here is repetition, patterns, habit. Do everything you can to break free and realize theres a whole lot more than those thoughts and they become less intense and easier to think about rationally.

Any kind of hard physical exercise works well ime. Just don't make a habit out of that or it loses efficacy. Embrace novelty and discard habit.

 

[xburtonchic]

There's some sound advice in your answers. I think those things could work after the fact, but what about while you're in withdrawal and you don't have the energy or ability to even brush your teeth, let alone do any sort of physical exercise or hobby? I know how I am withdrawals... they hit me hard, not fast... it's always a good 24 hours before I really start to feel them... but then I REALLY feel them. Maybe I just have a low pain threshold, but for me withdrawals make even death look easy. I don't know how effective I'll be at exercise or taking up hobbies. So far talking to my mom has helped a bit, but I can't do that every single time it hits me.

I think it's the combination of being in the middle of withdrawals and having the cravings hitting me, on top of these feelings of loss, that are making my recovery seem so precarious at the moment. I have to make it through somehow though... I know I'm not going to die, but I really can't stand when people use that line. It doesn't matter that you're not going to die when you're in the middle of withdrawal, what matters is that it feels like it. I guess that's what I'm most worried about... getting caught in a super weak moment and finding some desperate way to go cop. Fuuuuck. Too bad it's not possible to turn back time lol

 

[RobotRipping]

^ i agree i hate that saying. Like dying was a real concern of mine anyway at the time lol. I have the same problem with you, how do i deal with missing everything about getting high and having to go through life without my drug of choice. It's like losing a family member or something. I think it fades with time. I hope anyway. It's great to occupy yourself but in withdrawals you can't do much. Do you watch tv? any favorite shows? have u seen 'the wire'? lol that's how i usually get through a withdrawal, nonstop tv watching cause u cant do much else.

Is there any way you can get yourself into a hotel for a few days just for a break? I'd also try going shopping for things you like, get some food you like to eat (if u can eat) and get comfortable as possible (get one of those hot water bottle things). A hotel would be nice as you have access to a sauna, pool and hot tub usually which would help (possibly a massage service). It would probably be worth it if you can get there in the first place.

 

[webbykevin]

keep yourself busy. seems to be working for me so far.

 

[herbavore]

I think that you have a very, very entrenched habit psychologically so it makes total sense for you to convince yourself that you will be miserable without it; but you can't afford to indulge that voice. Evict that voice from your head! You are going to have to get tough with yourself because in this case the enemy is truly within. You've been doing this for a while so you are going to have to be patient with how long it takes to undo what it has done both physically and mentally. And you are actually mourning a loss--it was your coping method and now you are having to go through a very hard ordeal without your coping method!

Just use what you are going through as fuel to keep your resolve strong. By doing this now, day by day, you are gaining more and more distance from this way thinking and these overwhelming feelings.

Are things any better with your mom?

 

[izzyj]

Some practical things that helped me-
writing a pro/con list of continuing to use and referring to it regularly
writing a list of things i want to achieve in my life when i am no longer a slave to addiction and working out how i can take small steps to make them a reality
writing a list of things i have to be grateful for each morning, even when i dont feel grateful and am fucked off with the mess my life is in
exercise
calling someone or meeting someone every day
healthy food or at least a routine
getting involved in a 12 step fellowship-not everyone's cup of tea i know but at the very least you can get advice, identification, people who genuinely care and support by making connections at a meeting.
Hope some of this helps.

 

[Missykins]

Write your DOC a "Dear John" letter.

 

[motherofearth]

The mourning process will overwhelm many. For me, I had to turn those thoughts out in the very early stages, or throughout my first few weeks when I was feeling physically incapable of fathoming life w/o heroin and other drugs. I know it is cliche, but I had to look at each day/hour/minute as its own obstacle and avoid thinking of the great beyond. I allowed myself to glimpse the "forever" of it when I was stronger and not in pique cravings.

Regarding your dealer, your feelings for your heroin are entwined w/ him. Sure, he may be nice; he may be hot; he may be the greatest. But he was your heroin dealer, and that association will always be in your mind. You will unlikely see him for things outside of dope, and if you did, I assume it would be tense/awkward for you. You are mourning the loss of your drugs and everything caught up in that atmosphere is pulling your heart strings.

Why are you quitting? I noted mention of your family, and your inability to cop again. But have you come to the point with yourself where you know you can't take it anymore? Or is it inconveniences? Either way, I commend you for trying to get clean, but I hope you are doing it for yourself firstly. Personally, I can't stay off drugs for my loved ones, finances, or external reasons.

My withdrawals took almost 24 hours to come on. Rehabs should provide meds to help minimize the intensity of acute withdrawal.

Best of luck, and I apologize if any of what I put down here seemed dick.

 

[ArtVandalay]

^ i agree i hate that saying. Like dying was a real concern of mine anyway at the time lol. I have the same problem with you, how do i deal with missing everything about getting high and having to go through life without my drug of choice. It's like losing a family member or something. I think it fades with time. I hope anyway. It's great to occupy yourself but in withdrawals you can't do much. Do you watch tv? any favorite shows? have u seen 'the wire'? lol that's how i usually get through a withdrawal, nonstop tv watching cause u cant do much else.

Is there any way you can get yourself into a hotel for a few days just for a break? I'd also try going shopping for things you like, get some food you like to eat (if u can eat) and get comfortable as possible (get one of those hot water bottle things). A hotel would be nice as you have access to a sauna, pool and hot tub usually which would help (possibly a massage service). It would probably be worth it if you can get there in the first place.

That's so funny, 'The Wire' got me through my divorce. 'Battlestar' is getting me through my recovery/break-up/mental breakdown. It's so true. Though The Wire might trigger some folks, haha.

 

[cj]

I just remind myself that heroin is not going anywhere. It will be there if I need it. And everytime I relapse I realize that it is true the lifestyle, the game its all still about the same. Heroin is actually a very boring drug its the same shit every single day.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

when you know something for so long its hard to change. Humans don't like change its just human nature,

 

[RedLeader]

xBC, it sounds to me like you got out of this pretty easy with respect to your dealer. A lot of people start off in the heroin game with a cool dealer. A younger person who understands addiction, is polite, respectful, businesslike. In your case, the guy was also good looking :D. Here's the thing, though. Drug dealers have an extremely high turnover rate, but addiction stays with you. If you keep doing heroin, you won't have that perfect dealer forever. Something will happen and s/he will stop dealing for a while, and yet your body will still need heroin. It is at this time that you will make some rash decisions. You'll find a new dealer who will rope you in with really strong dope and then treat you like shit as a customer once he figures out that he is your only connect. The person will own your soul, and this is when the bad stuff can really happen. For example, near the end of my addiction I was using a dealer who also set up rich old men with underage girls to make money. I knew it, let him brag about it, turned a blind eye to it...all because he had really good heroin. And now I have to live with that.

My point is, I guess, is to take it from others that you were able to maintain a cool dealer that you now miss. You never had to be subjected to just how bad it can get keeping that habit going, especially for a female. If you can walk away from this with more nostalgia of the game than post-traumatic stress from events within it, then it's a pretty clean breakaway. The more you keep going back, though, the more you put yourself at risk for dealers taking advantage of you.

Here's what I think you need... You need someone in your daily life who thoroughly understands heroin addiction, and you need this person as a friend. You say that your dealer does, but it's not possible for him to be in your life anymore. You say that you enjoy talking with your mother, but based on your previous threads I think she's a classic case of a "supportive parent who knows fuck all about addiction." If you keep unloading everything on her, she's not going to understand it all and you'll get frustrated and stressed out. And you probably want someone outside of the rehab community, because it feels too professional for you. I am in a similar boat, and I can say that it's not easy finding someone like this. BL is a good way to meet people. Some people like AA/NA meetings, but I find that at least the ones around me are full of older people, and I crave acceptance more from people of my own age group.

crimsonjunk also makes a great point in that "heroin's not going anywhere." In fact, in many parts of the world, heroin use is growing. If you think about it in terms of you quitting means that heroin is removed from Earth, then ya it's a bit heavy, but that is not the case.