SaosinEngaged
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2010
- Messages
- 449
I've been off the site for a while. I found it too difficult to concentrate on keeping clean amongst all the threads about hardcore drug use. Despite all the help and encouragement and downright love I've received here, that one aspect drove me away for a little while to work things over on my own.
It's been about 3-4 total years since my life has descended into Oxycodone. The first two, I actually was a legitimate "occasional" user. 4-5 times a week, one small dose a day. Able to stop ANY time I wanted to (could take month long breaks here and there). Was too good to be true, in every sense. Then I was hit by a drunk driver and the fuck demolished my back. All of a sudden, instant access to as many opiates as I could possibly ever need. Suffice to say, this didn't end well for me. I worked up to a solid 250-300mg/day habit, finishing my two week scripts in 4 days then supplementing on the street for the remaining 10 days. I've been engaged and a first time home buyer with a good but demanding job; you can see the problem here. Completely unsustainable model. I was spending every free dime I had (but still managed to pay my bills).
I eventually decided *Fuck* *This* *Shit* and I sobered up. It was, undoubtedly, like being thrown ass first into the seventh circle of hell, but thanks to Kratom I managed to get through it. 2, 3, 4 weeks clean and I was beginning to feel awesome. One problem crept back up, one very big problem. The fact that I have about 50 serious things wrong with my back. I decided to get clean on the coattails of a procedure that actually really helped me (9th total procedure in 2 years), but nearly killed me (long story). Then one morning in June, I woke up and couldn't get the fuck out of bed. I had no choice but to reach for my prescribed Oxy I'd been stashing since I stopped taking it. Relief came quick, but so did the realization that my battle with both addiction and having a medical necessity for opiate painkillers was about to overwhelm me mentally. I began "using" again, but mostly due to my injuries (of course I enjoyed it also). I only took the Oxy on the absolute worst days of pain and tried staying clean for as many as possible. It was working out alright, until my tolerance completely came back, rendering my prescribed dose obsolete. Wonderful. Here we go again, down the rabbit hole.
I'm now, legitimately 3 days out from my wedding to the most beautiful woman I've ever met, and I'm smack dab in the middle of a horrific bout of PAWS. Worse than I ever had the first time I got clean. This is WITHOUT even having had to go through acute WD's a second time. It's as if this intermittent usage since early June has re-fucked all my receptors, but not to the point of triggering acute WD's (if that's even possible or I'm just an oddity, who knows). But I'm five days off my last use, with my level of pain down enough to forego painkillers (I'm also out), and I'm completely apathetic, miserable, and so damn fatigued (both from the obvious sapping of energy and from the terrible insomnia this triggers in me) that I can BARELY make it to work this week, let alone do what I need to/want to be doing for my fiancee prior to the wedding.
It's making me miserable and making me feel like a horrible fuck up. I love this woman so much and my own selfish misery is precluding me from doing the things I would normally be doing in this final week to both make her stress load lighter but also remind her of why she's marrying me. If I could convey this feeling to you guys, I swear to fuck, it's worse than the psychological aspect of acute withdrawals, where everything bugs you out and you feel subhuman.
Then there's the fact that I get to fill a three week script on Thursday, but that means using illicitly once again as my back has been better these past few weeks. So that creates a serious bout of cognitive dissonance. What the fuck do I do? Use just so I can *feel* the emotion of my wedding and actually enjoy myself? Or go through it with this hellish bout of PAWS I've had lately and potentially be a miserable apathetic prick at my own wedding. There's an obvious choice here, but it's making me feel guilty. Not to mention the honeymoon where we'll be gone for two weeks (my dr. wrote me a larger script that I can fill Thurs to compensate for an additional week, with everything going on).
I can say that Kratom has been the tool through all of this that has potentially kept me from (not literally) killing myself because of the crippling insomnia I've suffered through the PAWS periods. I tried one night to abuse nothing and ended up being awake for 36 hours, having to function at a high level at work, and still be able to help my fiancee with the wedding planning. Yeah, fuck that. I have to dose up 20g of Bali tea and take two Soma's just to sedate myself enough to sleep. It's been so bad, some nights, even that hasn't helped and I've had to add a very small amount of halcion to the mix (I know, dangerous, but I have a buddy that is prescribed it, and it's potent enough to be useful to me). I know the Kratom is a potential answer, it's just effective enough to relieve PAWS for a solid four hours, but after that they all come right back. It's impractical and, for right now, against my wishes to just succumb to using it around the clock. I may as well go and cop Oxy.
Sorry for rambling guys, I'm just at the end of my rope here a bit. This is supposed to be the most exciting time in my life and I'm fucking miserable and barely making it through each day. And then when Thursday comes, the cycle begins again. This time, not for pain, but because I can't risk ruining my own wedding.
Fuck me.
(Don't know how I accidentally double posted this, mods delete the other topic please)
It's been about 3-4 total years since my life has descended into Oxycodone. The first two, I actually was a legitimate "occasional" user. 4-5 times a week, one small dose a day. Able to stop ANY time I wanted to (could take month long breaks here and there). Was too good to be true, in every sense. Then I was hit by a drunk driver and the fuck demolished my back. All of a sudden, instant access to as many opiates as I could possibly ever need. Suffice to say, this didn't end well for me. I worked up to a solid 250-300mg/day habit, finishing my two week scripts in 4 days then supplementing on the street for the remaining 10 days. I've been engaged and a first time home buyer with a good but demanding job; you can see the problem here. Completely unsustainable model. I was spending every free dime I had (but still managed to pay my bills).
I eventually decided *Fuck* *This* *Shit* and I sobered up. It was, undoubtedly, like being thrown ass first into the seventh circle of hell, but thanks to Kratom I managed to get through it. 2, 3, 4 weeks clean and I was beginning to feel awesome. One problem crept back up, one very big problem. The fact that I have about 50 serious things wrong with my back. I decided to get clean on the coattails of a procedure that actually really helped me (9th total procedure in 2 years), but nearly killed me (long story). Then one morning in June, I woke up and couldn't get the fuck out of bed. I had no choice but to reach for my prescribed Oxy I'd been stashing since I stopped taking it. Relief came quick, but so did the realization that my battle with both addiction and having a medical necessity for opiate painkillers was about to overwhelm me mentally. I began "using" again, but mostly due to my injuries (of course I enjoyed it also). I only took the Oxy on the absolute worst days of pain and tried staying clean for as many as possible. It was working out alright, until my tolerance completely came back, rendering my prescribed dose obsolete. Wonderful. Here we go again, down the rabbit hole.
I'm now, legitimately 3 days out from my wedding to the most beautiful woman I've ever met, and I'm smack dab in the middle of a horrific bout of PAWS. Worse than I ever had the first time I got clean. This is WITHOUT even having had to go through acute WD's a second time. It's as if this intermittent usage since early June has re-fucked all my receptors, but not to the point of triggering acute WD's (if that's even possible or I'm just an oddity, who knows). But I'm five days off my last use, with my level of pain down enough to forego painkillers (I'm also out), and I'm completely apathetic, miserable, and so damn fatigued (both from the obvious sapping of energy and from the terrible insomnia this triggers in me) that I can BARELY make it to work this week, let alone do what I need to/want to be doing for my fiancee prior to the wedding.
It's making me miserable and making me feel like a horrible fuck up. I love this woman so much and my own selfish misery is precluding me from doing the things I would normally be doing in this final week to both make her stress load lighter but also remind her of why she's marrying me. If I could convey this feeling to you guys, I swear to fuck, it's worse than the psychological aspect of acute withdrawals, where everything bugs you out and you feel subhuman.
Then there's the fact that I get to fill a three week script on Thursday, but that means using illicitly once again as my back has been better these past few weeks. So that creates a serious bout of cognitive dissonance. What the fuck do I do? Use just so I can *feel* the emotion of my wedding and actually enjoy myself? Or go through it with this hellish bout of PAWS I've had lately and potentially be a miserable apathetic prick at my own wedding. There's an obvious choice here, but it's making me feel guilty. Not to mention the honeymoon where we'll be gone for two weeks (my dr. wrote me a larger script that I can fill Thurs to compensate for an additional week, with everything going on).
I can say that Kratom has been the tool through all of this that has potentially kept me from (not literally) killing myself because of the crippling insomnia I've suffered through the PAWS periods. I tried one night to abuse nothing and ended up being awake for 36 hours, having to function at a high level at work, and still be able to help my fiancee with the wedding planning. Yeah, fuck that. I have to dose up 20g of Bali tea and take two Soma's just to sedate myself enough to sleep. It's been so bad, some nights, even that hasn't helped and I've had to add a very small amount of halcion to the mix (I know, dangerous, but I have a buddy that is prescribed it, and it's potent enough to be useful to me). I know the Kratom is a potential answer, it's just effective enough to relieve PAWS for a solid four hours, but after that they all come right back. It's impractical and, for right now, against my wishes to just succumb to using it around the clock. I may as well go and cop Oxy.
Sorry for rambling guys, I'm just at the end of my rope here a bit. This is supposed to be the most exciting time in my life and I'm fucking miserable and barely making it through each day. And then when Thursday comes, the cycle begins again. This time, not for pain, but because I can't risk ruining my own wedding.
Fuck me.
(Don't know how I accidentally double posted this, mods delete the other topic please)
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i'm sorry if my comment makes other's angry out there - i am in no way trying to say revert to your old ways and continue the cycle of insanity, but save your suffering for another day, when she doesn't have to suffer with you.
