I Should Be Dead.

[curioushat]

I nearly killed myself last night.

I am NOT a tolerant opioid user (though I have used once a month or so in the past year).

I got 4.5 x 15mg Opana IR. I ended up sniffing all of them. which is 67.5mg. From my calculation that is (if oral), equal to 135mg of oxycodone oral, but if sniffed it is more like 540mg. This is a lot IMO for a guy like me who pops maybe once a month.

I should have died. Seriously, what the hell. And I'm sure of the amount I took. I should have shut the fuck up and stopped telling myself to have another, and another.. For fuck's sake I could have stretched it out to two days, hell even ate the opanas, and I would be good. Not some statistical clown.

My parents (yes, I am a loser and live at home) tried to wake me up at about 5:00am, say T+7. for an undisclosed reason.. Apparently, I was: not responding to loud sounds, not responsing to physical stimuli like being poked with a knife or shaken back and forth, not moving or speaking. This went on for 30 minutes.

I have a very vague memory of this happening.

This wasn't a suicide attempt, by the way. I kind of wish I died though. I'm really thinking that I have to kill myself now, whether I want to or not. I'm completely dead inside, devoid of motivation. If I did die, I'd at least want opanas handed out freely at my funeral. Mock opanas, and people would have contests as who could best imitate the idiot in the casket. They'd defile the body and dress it up like a clown and use it at the circus, as if to say, wow, this kid is a total joke.

 

[herbavore]

I'm glad you didn't die. No one would think it was funny. No one would make fun of you. People would mourn.

Did no one call an ambulance when they couldn't wake you? I think that you are in a very, very fragile and scary state right now. It's not going to go away by itself. Would you consider inpatient just to buy yourself some regrouping time? I know that sounds awful but losing your life is worse. You want to die because you want release, relief and rest. That is no doubt what you were looking for when you took the drugs. You can have peace and stay alive to get stronger. You need new tools. The ones you are using are just frustrating you and deepening your despair. There are other tools out there.

Please be safe. You are a very sweet person and you are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for right now.

 

[RobotRipping]

yep glad to hear you're still alive too, that would have been a terrible way to go out. You are probably in shock from the whole incident, i've been close myself and it's hard to get over at first. Don't feel stupid about it, it probably happens to every drug user at some point or another and you learn a valuable lesson from it if you don't end up dying first.

it sounds like you may have subconsciously just taken the pills hoping you would die; i've done similar things mixing benzos, opiates and alcohol. How are you feeling about life on a day to day basis? any issues bothering you?

 

[curioushat]

I'm glad you didn't die. No one would think it was funny. No one make fun of you. People would mourn.

I guess I just look at myself that way. Just a big joke I am. Someone started building a clay sculpture and about halfway through, they looked at it and said "what the hell is this ugly convoluted thing? I'm going to rip it up and feed it to the dog." The dog anxiously awaits his treat.
One day Yucko the clown started getting dressed up in his clown gear, when the giant hand picked him up and put him in a vat of boiling oil. The peanut gallery cheered as it popped a candy in its mouth.

Did no one call an ambulance when they couldn't wake you?

No, I was breathing still (although it very easily could've ended up otherwise)

I think that you are in a very, very fragile and scary state right now. It's not going to go away by itself. Would you consider inpatient just to buy yourself some regrouping time? I know that sounds awful but losing your life is worse.

Yeah. Very scared, feel very weak, feel completely out of it (but did I forget my meds today?).
Right now I can't think, and I can't stop fantasizing about my own death. I know you say nobody will cheer and throw a parade, but I am skeptical. I've always wanted to travel back in time (say ten years ago when I was ten) just so I could look my younger self in the eye, raise my fist, and clock him right across the nose. If the little fucker fought back, I'd continue to beat him until his face was a bloody pulp.

You want to die because you want release, relief and rest. That is no doubt what you were looking for when you took the drugs. You can have peace and stay alive to get stronger. You need new tools. The ones you are using are just frustrating you and deepening your despair. There are other tools out there.

I really do, right now I feel like I am going insane, with one foot on Earth and the other in hell.

Please be safe. You are a very sweet person and you are much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for right now.

Thanks, every bit of support helps Herb

 

[xxsicknessxx]

Suicide by pills is the hardest way to OD your self btw... almost always ends up with you waking up hours later with a bad headake and a WTF look on your face.. possibly brain damaged...

Sounds sad bro... that sucks... whats wrong with your life? How can you afford all these pills btw? Do you work?

People live at home till the age 27 on average doesn't make you lame or anything.... and abusing all your pills makes you a addict not a loser... mind you sounds like your a bad drug addict... some people arn't good at being a addict thats life...

But ... you are not dead, your alive, so do something with your life.

 

[DooMMooD]

Worlds way different than it was last generation.

Youth unemployment has hit 20% in the USA, UK etc.

Not uncommon in the slightest to be living at home. Don't feel bad. the world is different today than the values and ideas our parents have of how it should be.

 

[weekday warrior]

back in highschool i used to crush up my pills and put them in vials then label the contents, (just thought it was cool idk) well i had vicodin and oxycontin i was an idiot then and loved to snort EVERYTHING so one morning before school i grab the wrong bottle (oxy instead of vico) and still in bed, dump the entire contents in my nose i felt like uma thurman in pulp fiction after about 30 seconds i said something is totally wong here but still laided back and enjoyed the high coming on it was really weird i passed out but only for ten minutes i know cause i hit snooze on the alarm and awoke to that awful beeping, i still dont know why that didnt kill me it was about 6-8 oc 80's by my best guess the only thing i can think of is that the drug was super concentrated in my head from snorting then made its way to the rest of my body slowly. Ya it sucks it can happen to anybody, stay safe man

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

No reason to die, you have.

 

[alanwatts]

The very fact that you are posting here means that you are crying for help. Take advantage of the help that is out there.
I've been in your situation. You are not alone. My situation was alcohol. It is a miserable drug. Keep posting and tell us your
situation. I'm taking lots of vitamin C and E. I'm taking lots of good stuff like Nectarines

 

[gearfiend]

know how you feel man.... had hopelessly crushing depression for about 4 years from the age of 12. started using anything i could get my hands on when i was nearly 16, that lasted for a while until i met the most amazing woman i have ever known. from then on everything got slowly better, and now i dont feel anywhere near as bad as i did waaaay back when. still use a lot tho... i like weed too much. but weed isnt exactly a hard drug either and i seem to be able to use most every day and still function fine, but thats just me. drugs will suck up everything in your life if your not careful.... almost happened to me. stay safe

 

[curioushat]

Dont disagree at all with what anyone is saying here.
Xxsicknessxx i know now why I didn't die and that is thanks to a stuffed nose i didn't absorb the full 70mg. I know this because the next day i started blowing out full white chunks from my nose that were filled with crystal oxymorphone. I also straight coughed up blood for a long time and could not take full breaths either.
Sorry for the unpleasant image and description.

I am very lucky to be in a situation where i can live at home. I have plenty of money, i have no expenses and i work for 16 an hour doing literally nothing all day. So that's the thing.

I tried going to college, it was a horrible disaster and I cannot believe I even tried (setting myself up for failure is typical)

The last hope that I have is meeting an amazing woman and falling in love with her. I wish it would be easy for me. Unfortunately, at age 20, I have had 2 weeks of relationships. I've "hooked up" up with plenty of girls in my day, but I cannot take any relationship further, and yes it does eat at me a lot. I knew at age 14 that this eventually would happen, that after high school I would no longer have either friends nor girlfriends, and unfortunately my prediction came true.

In terms of what I am trying to do positive with myself, I am going to college full time, living at home. It is an ok feeling to get a 4.0 because I never have before despite plenty of ability, but still, ..

As sad as it is I don't see a way out of this, my family has an extensive history of mental illness from schizophrenia to bipolar and so on, basically almost no one lives a happpy life, I try to be happy but I have nothing to be happy about, hell even my dog and cat do not like me they just run away when I try tto say hello, what else is new.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

only advise I can give you is do something now because I can relate and next thing you know your thiry and in the same situation and its super more sucky when that happens. So do something now, change your life, go back to school do what you can twenty is a great age.... thank god your so young.. take advantage man don't waste your life. Drugs will make it go by in a blur ten years goes fast....


p.s I relate to depression failing school living at home.... its sucks now but wait till your thirty and you want to go back home and you can't... desperate for work.. sounds like things are ok for you not as bad as you think

 

[pammy]

m dead inside iv felt kind of numb since i was ten years old and theres no doubt in my mind that me being sexually abused at the tender age of 10 has made me feel this way.Im currently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and iv been told that childhood trauma can in faact bring on an episode of hypomania or severe depression im very vulnrable in these sosrts of state so when i feel unwell its a stay in the local psych ward for a bit of a break.Im currently undergoing a police video interviewn and im taking that horrible perveted man to court and im crossing every single finger that he gets what he deserves a guilty verdict and a decent spell inside,i just know that if and when that day comes i can finally put some closure on it.Im mentally drained with severe anxiety attacks i know that im sick to death of the nightmares i have im feeling really disturbed because of them.I can only hope for the bes at the moment and not jump in to far ahead i need to try and stay as well as i can so i dnt need an admission iv got my soulmate and hes dad for lots of suport which makes things feel a bit easier so wish me luck for now!thankyou all.

 

[herbavore]

I wish you luck and healing and peace and strength, Pammy.

 

[TyLannister]

I have been reading your posts lately and just wanted to make a few quick points.

A) Your are 20 you said. My friend, you are a baby! Life has not yet even begun for you, in fact in males it is said the brain does not fully grow until around the age of 25, you have plenty of time to find a woman, bills, mortgages, all that FUN stuff. ENJOY, being 20, heke your not even legally old enough to drink!!! These are the fun years of your life, please stop worrying about all the big adult stuff my friend, find happiness and the rest will fall into place.

B) By reading your posts, i keep seeing the yuko the clown stuff, the funeral images, etc. I do not mean this in any way shape or form to insult you, but i truly think you should go to your parents and tell them what you are going through, and ask them to take you to a hospital. There is no shame when it comes to mental illness and psychiatric wards these days even for just a week or so stay, can diagnose and treat a ot of problems that very well may be going on with you.

Fake it Til ya make it my friend, and one day you will be happy, and look back at this and think "I am a survivor, and i can take whatever life throws at me."

Live Long and Prosper,
"Ty"

 

[Deleted member 175441]

This wasn't a suicide attempt, by the way. I kind of wish I died though. I'm really thinking that I have to kill myself now, whether I want to or not. I'm completely dead inside, devoid of motivation. If I did die, I'd at least want opanas handed out freely at my funeral. Mock opanas, and people would have contests as who could best imitate the idiot in the casket. They'd defile the body and dress it up like a clown and use it at the circus, as if to say, wow, this kid is a total joke.

man if I take like 40mg of hydrocodone (i dont pop very often) I can be fucking depressed and have suicidal thoughts the next day or two. I totally agree with the poster above me, I've been in a place of depression/suicidal and leading up to it I remember popping hydros for consecutive days which didn't help at all, and it got to the point where I HAD to tell my parents and eventually had to spend two weeks in a psych ward for I was interpreting everything as a reason to kill myself. I really hope you make it out of a fragile state of mind man!

 

[Permanent Jones]

Don't be so hard on yourself, Curioushat. Most of us go through times when we feel like giving up. These other posters are right about you getting some help, though. Better for you to go through some counseling now and get things straightened out than waiting twenty more years and needing help then, after a whole lifetime of mistakes. If you get help now, you can still have a really good life and put this difficult time behind you, and no one will ever have to know. Think about it, friend .

 

[curioushat]

I have been reading your posts lately and just wanted to make a few quick points.

A) Your are 20 you said. My friend, you are a baby! Life has not yet even begun for you, in fact in males it is said the brain does not fully grow until around the age of 25, you have plenty of time to find a woman, bills, mortgages, all that FUN stuff. ENJOY, being 20, heke your not even legally old enough to drink!!! These are the fun years of your life, please stop worrying about all the big adult stuff my friend, find happiness and the rest will fall into place.

B) By reading your posts, i keep seeing the yuko the clown stuff, the funeral images, etc. I do not mean this in any way shape or form to insult you, but i truly think you should go to your parents and tell them what you are going through, and ask them to take you to a hospital. There is no shame when it comes to mental illness and psychiatric wards these days even for just a week or so stay, can diagnose and treat a ot of problems that very well may be going on with you.

Fake it Til ya make it my friend, and one day you will be happy, and look back at this and think "I am a survivor, and i can take whatever life throws at me."

Live Long and Prosper,
"Ty"

Thank you Ty.

Interesting that you bring up Yucko the Clown, since I was a huge fan of Stankervision and the Damn! Show when I was a young teen. I've never met anyone else that's heard of either of the two.

Yeah, my parents are both in healthcare, my dad being a doc and mom a nurse. Funny because there is enough mental illness in my family for a whole village, inc bipolar, major depression, schizophrenia, alcoholism, ocd, add, aspergers, and so on. They know I am majorly depressed but if I told them my dominant thoughts are suicidal, I think they'd be shocked. We'll see about the psych ward. I'm one of those lazy people who say, "it'd be nice to be dead but it takes too much effort to kill myself". That plus the chance of surviving is a big obstacle in my path.

The physical self abuse isn't going to stop, that much I do know. There are a few unchangeable things about the psyche. I won't be graphic, let's just say that you can't all of the sudden stop being gay, or having weird fetishes. The other of course is politics/religion.

man if I take like 40mg of hydrocodone (i dont pop very often) I can be fucking depressed and have suicidal thoughts the next day or two. I totally agree with the poster above me, I've been in a place of depression/suicidal and leading up to it I remember popping hydros for consecutive days which didn't help at all, and it got to the point where I HAD to tell my parents and eventually had to spend two weeks in a psych ward for I was interpreting everything as a reason to kill myself. I really hope you make it out of a fragile state of mind man!

I agree, there was a period of time where I felt a little less shitty. Looking back it made no sense and I was kind of uncomfortable. I had nothing to be happy about, so I would pop ~100-150 of oxy and call it a night. Yes, that made me feel worse and is a reason I choose not to do it anymore.
It's definitely a fragile state of mind, or rather a cross between empty and fragile. Empty in the sense that nothing is there and fragile in the sense that it feels like it can take a turn for the worse at any time. Some of the self injury comes from this, at least I get to feel a positive release, in fact a very positive release. It's an addictive adrenaline rush.

Thanks for the support. I'll see where the cards fall for the next few days. I really really really want to kill myself and honestly I know it's going to happen soon, at this tender age. I don't see much point of getting older. My life is only going to get harder, get even more depressing. It's already fallen apart over the last two years since high school, exactly as I predicted it would five years earlier. In fact, I feel like the sooner the better. Maybe I should die tonight? No time like the present? Peace.

 

[TyLannister]

Please understand, them being shocked by you telling them that, and then getting you to the right place, will be much better for them then the ultimate shock of they're baby boy's death.

Hang in there.
-"Ty"

 

[RTrain]

I hear ya with that, fortunately I have always started low and research my drugs before taking them. But I can tell you about a friend of mine (and I really mean a friend, not just trying to avoid self-incrim) who will never do opiates/opioids again after making a similar mistake on a smaller scale. I know he had done Oxycodone 20s in the past and maybe 40 mg at once on a few occasions(but i can't confirm that). Back when the sniffable Opana ER 40s were around another friend of mine had a bunch. So this kid grabbed one off of him and thinking since it was a 40 mg pill, he cut it in half and proceeded to do it by nasal ROA. I was with him that night and at first he just seemed real high, you know talkative and such. But then he started seeming distanced and just went home. It just happened to be the night before Thanksgiving too, so I found it weird he went home because usually he's a party-er and everyone hits the bars on that night.

The next day I talked to him and he said he was throwing up all night and thought he was dying. I felt bad for him because my friend who gave it to him didn't tell him not to do a whole half. Granted this kid did do 20 mg oxycodone once a week-ish, so he wasn't completely opiate naive. But it just shows that those things pack a real punch, at least twice that of oxycodone.