Consumed by Fear - Help!

[kokaino]

Hey Everyone, I just wanted to post about something that has been happening to me lately.

Now for a little background: I have PTSD, borderline personality disorder (petulant borderline and self-destructive borderline), social and general anxiety, major depressive disorder, GERD, ADD, fibromyalgia, and of course, chemical dependency. I am on a number of meds including Abilify 10 mg 1x/day, escitalopram 20 mg 1x/day, alprazolam 1 mg 3x/day, Dexedrine IR 10 mg 2-3x/day, trazodone 100 mg 1x/bedtime, pantoprazole 40 mg 1x/day, methadone (MMT) 130 mg/day, fentanyl patch 25 mcg, Lamictal 50 mg 2x/day, and for my borderline personality disorder I also do dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DBT has been absolutely wonderful and has completely changed me into a much better person. I also have done Schema therapy, but I find DBT much better.

Anyways, I have been having horrific nightmares lately and I seem to have these "out of body" experiences while I am asleep - well at least I think I'm asleep. I get this thing where I feel trapped in my own body and I can move anywhere. Sometimes I don't know if it's a dream or if it's real - the line between reality and dream is absolutely blurred. I have horrible nightmares. One example is the other night. I had a dream where I was on a freight train that was transporting oil and it was a Soviet Union train and I don't know where I was in the train but I can see that these Soviets had some Americans and Frenchmen tied up and this big Russian guy came and just started to murder all Americans, Frenchmen, Brits, and any Westerners. So I had to hide and I was scared shitless. Finally the train stopped in a field and in the distance I can see a French flag, so I thought this is it I can escape here it would be my only chance. However, the train started up again and we left and everywhere we stopped it was communist. It may not sound so freaky, but to me it was a nightmare.

I also just am fearful in general all day and night. I'm in a constant state of fear and sometimes I don't know why. Has this happened to anyone before?

 

[webbykevin]

I'm in a constant state of fear and sometimes I don't know why.

I am on a number of meds including Abilify 10 mg 1x/day, escitalopram 20 mg 1x/day, alprazolam 1 mg 3x/day, Dexedrine IR 10 mg 2-3x/day, trazodone 100 mg 1x/bedtime, pantoprazole 40 mg 1x/day, methadone (MMT) 130 mg/day, fentanyl patch 25 mcg, Lamictal 50 mg 2x/day,

There's your problem right there.

 

[DooMMooD]

There's your problem right there.

QFT. Damn dude....that is a buttload of meds to be on, to say the least.

Now, a doctor has diagnosed you with all of those things? Truly? And the doctor feels that all of those meds is the best way to go? The doc knows your entire history, your past of drug (ab)use?

Doctors cannot make accurate or honest diagnoses of anything if you are on insane amounts of mind altering substances. Verifiable fact. I really hope you were diagnosed while sober, and I dont mean you took a day off from all those drugs. I mean weeks and months of no substances in your body, so a doctor can get a baseline of where your natural brain truly lies (chemically, psychologically, everything, a baseline of all that w/o drugs).

It is impossible to be diagnosed with anything when youre on insane amounts of drugs. IDC if your current doc disagrees, but that is a fact. Verifiable and any doc worth their weight in salt will tell you the same.

Now, I am NOT a doctor myself, but honestly I think talking to people and therapy is the way to go for you. Truly and honestly I do. Clearly the drugs do not help, otherwise you would NOT have these problems. SO, thats what I think you need to do. Talk to someone: a doc, a therapist, a group, anything.

But, the trick is: you must be honest. Absolutely, totally, brutally, 110% honest. If your not it will not do you a lick of good, and in fact might make things worse. IDK how you feel, what you've been through, anything of the sort. But, if youre not honest about it to these people, i promise you will NOT improve.

As for the sleeping issue, it is called sleep paralysis. I used to get it, a LOT, when I was using opiates heavily. Seriously I am being honest as shit, when I was doing dumb opanas/oxy/heroin, i would get sleep paralysis on a near nightly basis. I have not had the issue in awhile. Sadly i do not have some trick to stop it, it simply has faded on its own. It is scary as shit, frightening, and probably traumatizing. The only thing I can think of that has stopped it was getting a real full GOOD night worth of sleep.

It also sounds like you need to work on acceptance: you need to accept that whatever has happened, has happened, and move on.

"One does not get clean by rolling around in the muck". You must stop obsessing over all of these bad things and move forward. Accept that they have happened. You do not need to accept them as good, as necessary, as a positive in any way shape or form. You must simply sit down and say: 'This shit has happened; now what am I going to do about tomorrow?'

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Hey Everyone, I just wanted to post about something that has been happening to me lately.

Now for a little background: I have PTSD, borderline personality disorder (petulant borderline and self-destructive borderline), social and general anxiety, major depressive disorder, GERD, ADD, fibromyalgia, and of course, chemical dependency. I am on a number of meds including Abilify 10 mg 1x/day, escitalopram 20 mg 1x/day, alprazolam 1 mg 3x/day, Dexedrine IR 10 mg 2-3x/day, trazodone 100 mg 1x/bedtime, pantoprazole 40 mg 1x/day, methadone (MMT) 130 mg/day, fentanyl patch 25 mcg, Lamictal 50 mg 2x/day, and for my borderline personality disorder I also do dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DBT has been absolutely wonderful and has completely changed me into a much better person. I also have done Schema therapy, but I find DBT much better.

Anyways, I have been having horrific nightmares lately and I seem to have these "out of body" experiences while I am asleep - well at least I think I'm asleep. I get this thing where I feel trapped in my own body and I can move anywhere. Sometimes I don't know if it's a dream or if it's real - the line between reality and dream is absolutely blurred. I have horrible nightmares. One example is the other night. I had a dream where I was on a freight train that was transporting oil and it was a Soviet Union train and I don't know where I was in the train but I can see that these Soviets had some Americans and Frenchmen tied up and this big Russian guy came and just started to murder all Americans, Frenchmen, Brits, and any Westerners. So I had to hide and I was scared shitless. Finally the train stopped in a field and in the distance I can see a French flag, so I thought this is it I can escape here it would be my only chance. However, the train started up again and we left and everywhere we stopped it was communist. It may not sound so freaky, but to me it was a nightmare.

I also just am fearful in general all day and night. I'm in a constant state of fear and sometimes I don't know why. Has this happened to anyone before?

OP, what do you think "this is it I can escape here it would be my only chance" might mean?

I would re-evaluate which medications you need and which ones you think might not be helping or even hindering your success. Also, I might look at getting on a longer-acting benzodiazepine to level you out. That kind of dream you describe with its darkness and killing as well as your fear sounds like something someone would experience when withdrawing from a benzodiazepine.

Have you been in war?

 

[qwe]

dexedrine/stimulant while having PTSD? ...
alprazolam instead of clonazepam or diazepam? ...
alprazolam, while on methadone maintenance? ... (i bet more than one DEA bureaucrat has read your case file, lol)
methadone maintenance therapy and fentanyl pain management combined? ...

your dream seems to have the classic themes of addiction. that might be an appropriate lens to interpret the dream. (stuck on a train, missing opportunities).

the constant fear, in all probability from my perspective, is the combination of inter-withdrawal from alprazolam (you really should switch to a longer acting benzo) with dexedrine and PTSD.

and i thought i was having a hard time tapering. good luck figuring out a better meds situation.