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31 feel totally hopeless, drugs and depression have taken everything

J

jake99

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not going to get into life story but basically been battling addiction/depression since i was like 14 and im 31,
i have been to many rehabs . jail and never gotten it right. my father and stepmom tried to help a lot but now have given up on me since i was sent away to long term rehab and messed up again , now im back living with my 90 y/o grandmother and mother who is also depressed and hasnt left the house in 2 years, now i started using crack, xanax, and dope again , and have stolen from them to get it .................i have some suboxone but still feel sick when i take it and have no dope, i have been smokin the crack and doin xanax for little over a month. i can get thru day with like 5 bags of d usually. subs used to work for me. i feel so hopeless. if i dont tell mom i stole from her then she might find out or might not , if i do tell her things get even worse. where do i turn ?
 
There is hope, my friend. Since you are using some drugs that are very hard and dangerous to cold turkey, consider going to a rehab or inpatient facility. If you cannot afford this (or even if you can,) try narcotics anonymous. Even though I'm very fresh to the program it's still very very helpfull and inspiring. The people you find there will offer you hope until you find it yourself.
Best of luck Jake, just know that you are not alone, and there are people like your who make the decision to get clean everyday. <3
 
I started using at 14, self treating depression (initially with prozac I bought) and suicidal ideation I'd had since 4th grade. Discovered norco & stadol at 16...did the usual opiate progression heroin>methadone>fentanyl. Am 30 now, live with one parent. I did the jail, chronic homelessness, & rehab thing many times. I'm on a first name basis at our local rehab - I usually only make it 3-20 days.

I say all this only to give a brief idea of how far down I went...this past year in jail (7th time, syringe possn.) I told myself I'd make one last ditch attempt at salvaging my life & asked for mental health court. I went back to the same rehab but had a therapist, one I felt comfortable with, & was able to say some things I'd never really told anyone. I felt happy for the first time in my life w\o drugs & made it 6 months in the program. Starting community college next week.

And I say all that to hopefully give you hope that *it can be done*...I can't emphasize how much I thought I was a worst case scenario.

As for AA\NA - I think it would be good to get someone \ anyone you can talk to & be accountable to for what you do on a day to day basis.

I also had good luck with 40-60mg baclofen on methadone - enabled me to stop using those extra bags, made alcohol & coke sound gross (seriously).

Take care......
 
Given the persistence of your problem (I have seen several threads on your travails), and the extent of your treatment history, I would ask if you ever garnered an understanding of why you use? Also, when you entered rehab was it for you? Rehab and treatment are really for a select upper tier of the country: less than one percent. Most people do it in the back row of NA meetings. This is not to make you feel remiss, but to emphasize mindset in recovery.
I would ape what posters suggested before: get in self help/support meetings, meet people in recovery, and get independent as soon as you can.
 
motherofearth said:
Given the persistence of your problem (I have seen several threads on your travails), and the extent of your treatment history, I would ask if you ever garnered an understanding of why you use? Also, when you entered rehab was it for you? Rehab and treatment are really for a select upper tier of the country: less than one percent. Most people do it in the back row of NA meetings. This is not to make you feel remiss, but to emphasize mindset in recovery.
I would ape what posters suggested before: get in self help/support meetings, meet people in recovery, and get independent as soon as you can.
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Jake, I think that the hopelessness gets to you, but that can be a trap you set for yourself subconsciously so that you don't really have to get to the root of the problem. Both motherofearth and crimethink are on the right track I think with their encouragement to get some therapy and work it. Rather than mire yourself in fatalistic thinking (I can't change/I always relapse) try to get involved with other people in your situation that are having success. <3

@crimethink--congratulations. That is an inspiring story.<3
 
i am going to aa meetings and have a sponser but havent really told him i still am using , i have suboxone i could use to kick the dope but i took one yesterday morning was still sick and did dope on top of it to be not sik, i cant seem to stop the crack , and the xanax , for last month or so ive spent tons of familys money on it , they dont know and not sure if they will , but im so scared to come clean with my mom , but if i dont guilts gonna eat me up and give me more reason to use.
 
You have to face yourself and all the fears. It's the only way. No matter how sick you feel, no matter how much damage you have to undo, you cannot keep using what you have already done to justify using more. It is a terrible prison you are constructing for yourself and it hurts to see you do it. At the very least come clean to your sponsor and let one person in so that you don't keep entrenching yourself in your secret. Jake, I'm a mom. Nothing is unforgivable in the long run but how you deal with it and what you are ready to do when you do come clean will make all the difference. <3
 
If your stealing tons of money then im sure they will figure it out eventually because your going to fuck up and get sloppy. I really think you nee to try long term treatment 12 months plus half way house on other side of country. If you stay in jersey your going to end up in jail or prison. What goals do you have that you want to accomplish in life outside of getting high? Make a list of what you want to accomplish thenm try to figure out realistic ways to accomplish them. I know you have tried every kind of treatment there is but honestly isnt being in rehab better then having to hustle to stay well on the street? I am not trying to be a dick but I have been following your story for 2 plus years and you it seems like you are going to die or end up in prison if you dont take drastic action. We can all sit here and make suggestions till our fingers bleed but until you take responsibuility for yourself this cycle will continue. On the other hand if you wanna keep getting high then you should move out from your momk get a job and learn to support your habit on your own. That way at least you can have the self esteem that comes from being an independant adult.
 
well i just dont know how to tell her because i know its gonna end up really bad but if i dont guilt and fear are gettin me .either way i dont know how to get clean . im just trapped .
 
jake99 said:
well i just dont know how to tell her because i know its gonna end up really bad but if i dont guilt and fear are gettin me .either way i dont know how to get clean . im just trapped .
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jake I feel like hell so I will give you some of the best advice to think about.....everytime you use...theres always a low after. Remember how much that low sucks so much that whatever your doc is its not worth it as the negatives outweigh the positives. It will make sense when you do it. Maybe you have already just my best advice
 
And yea I dont care how much you stole but as long as it wasnt Items she needed, if you admitt maybe your mom will see you dont want this. Tbh show her what you just posted. Fuck. This is shitty and I have read your posts for awhile
 
What about the therapeutic community you were in last year, can you give that another go? The bottom line is that things won't get better until you stop using, so until you do that you can't expect for things to get better. It's the most simple and most complex answer all in one.
 
crimsonjunk said:
You need to be on high dose methadone maintenance
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I have been saying this for years. I am not a huge supporter of methadone but you are an ideal canditate for it. You do not have to stay on it forever, but it would give you a chance to stabilize and you could begin to taper once you get your shit together. You also need a counseler or some type of program because what you are doing is obviously not working.
 
things are gettin worse . ive stolen too much to support my habit i dont kno how to break it to my fam, im too scared of how they will react, do i find a detox ,then go , then tell em bout the money later.............i dont kno if they are gonna find out or not , but i aint gonna be able to resist and get thru withdrawls on my own . the cycle never is ending.............i think maybe i should get in a detox, and just go and leave a note explaining the money . even if i dont say i took it the guilts gona eat me up ,
 
Yea go to detox and get one of the counselors advice on how to deal with the family. Or go on methadone. The only thing that is guaranteed is the misery that further heroin use is going to bring you.
 
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I agree with the idea of getting on Methadone or Suboxone.I tried for decades to get clean and couldn't.I went to meetings,rehabs,psych wards,etc..Nothing worked.I am now prescribed Suboxone and Xanax.This to me is not ideal,but I would rather be a legal-government-supported-addict than a criminal.At least now I don't have to hustle for money,starve and be homeless.I can pay attention to other things.I just ran into an ex-boyfriend and he told me about getting busted again and that now he is working with cops doing so far three buy and busts.I was horrified.I blocked him on FB.It is a relief not to be living that kind of life anymore.My biggest problem now is boredom.I haven't figured out things to do with all the free time I finally have.

Jake,I have read for years about your attempts and failures with getting clean.Why not just give that up for now and do harm reduction for a while,to give your mind time to calm down?
 
sir jake where are you from? ppl say nj. i, too, am from nj. what part of nj? i'm from millburn/maplewood/shorthills and am well familiar with east orange/newark (vailsburg/northnewark/westward/ironbound) & jersey city(heights, hill). i'd love to talk to you - [email protected] or pm me - if i can help in any way i would be glad too.

realistically, if you have a sponsor you dont use, you dont have a sponsor. if you go to meetings but dont work the steps, you aren't in recovery. if you constantly legitimize your self destructive actions, with self pity and lack of responsibility you will not get off the merry-go-round. You have a host of luxury problems. You have food, shelter, and a family who still puts up with you - DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN STEALING FROM THEM AND USING CRACK/HEROIN/XANAX FOR OVER A DECADE. The reality of the situation is you probably won't stop until forced to. You have delved so deeply into addiction your entire psyche is endlessly cyclical parade of self loathing, inebriation, lack of responsible - mature behavior, inebriation, self pity, inebriation, criminal behavior, inebriation...repeat ad infinitum.

very realistically you'll die or go to prison. or end up homeless, bounce around from rehabs/detoxes/psychwards/county jail. You'll probably reach new lows you could not even fathom from behind your computer screen. you'll yearn for the comforts of your grandmother's house. You may commit some heinous crime (completely justified while in the fits of withdrawal from opiates/benzos) and end up being food in the supermax prisons - northern state or trenton or something.

I don't mean to be hard on you. but i've been in the exact same spot as you. and frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices, the message must have depth and weight. for me to say "go to rehab/get counseling/ it will be ok" would be doing you a disservice...because its not going to be ok if you continue on this path.

The question is are you prepared to go to -any lengths- to change?

i look forward to hearing from you.
 
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