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Any sober people date addicts

captaincaveman

captaincaveman

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 30, 2007
Messages
246
Location
london
Hi,

I've already discussed this with a great TDSer but does anyone who has beaten their demons involved with someone who hasn't? I got a call at 4am this morning from my girlfriend who was drinking herself silly. Being a good guy I went round and got her straightened up (fed her and gave her some benzos). We had been talking about marriage semi seriously as she needs a visa. Anyway, after getting her back to normal she says she meet someone at AA and she really likes him and wants me to leave so he can come round! I went apeshit, if this guy is so great why not ring him (he's in early recovery). Anyway, I complained and she starts abusing me, threatens to get the guy to beat me up (I'm a licensed thai boxer btw so this made me chuckle).

Anyone in this sort of situation? My friends think I'm mad but I feel useful I suppose. She was in a hell of a mess, I spoke to her mum in the US who was glad I was there but I forgot the madness of addiction. She's now full on apologetic but I can't take it anymore. It's not exciting just infuriating. This guy don't work but has given up drinking. Well good for you. By the way, not to come across as a saint, this girl is super hot, used to model. I had to restrain her from buying more vodka. I've got serious shit in my life as those unfortunate souls who read these threads know, do I crave the chaos? My shrink thinks I do.
CC
 
If it wasn't this alleged super hot girl that was treating you like a P.O.S - would you stand for it?

I don't think you crave chaos, I think you crave something else.....
Fwiw I don't think I could see a chick who was using habitually.

Well, maybe for a little while & give her some time.
If there's no improvement you gotta move away from the bullshit. Even if she is super hot.
 
She is super fine. Way out of my league. She has modelled and people openly stare at her when she walks down the street. So yeah, I'm a shallow arsehole, if she didn't look the way she did, no way I'd go near. Reminds me of the Offspring song 'It's kinda hard when she's ready to go' Self Esteem I think it was called
 
I'm done. Said I don't need this (her family skyping me to make sure she's ok). She hurled abuse as expected but I want what my sober friends have, wife and kids. I got the career and the house but filling the relationship void with unstable (but gorgeous people) isn't working. Need to change where I hang out as these places are full of party animals, although I don't feel uncomfortable not participating. When married friends say there is someone I should meet I'm goin to give that a go. Hedonism, be gone!
 
captaincaveman said:
I'm done. Said I don't need this (her family skyping me to make sure she's ok). She hurled abuse as expected but I want what my sober friends have, wife and kids. I got the career and the house but filling the relationship void with unstable (but gorgeous people) isn't working. Need to change where I hang out as these places are full of party animals, although I don't feel uncomfortable not participating. When married friends say there is someone I should meet I'm goin to give that a go. Hedonism, be gone!
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Good call. When your goal is a stable relationship and the possibility of kids and a family you should not consider dating an active addict.
 
hey i'm an addict and for the most part i'm stable hell i'm even schizo and bipolar #2 and have panic attacks everyday but i hold myself together pretty well
 
Cheers villian. I suppose part of me remembers that lifestyle and wants to help. It's also exciting sometimes how erratic she can be, you never know what you're going to get. But I couldn't take her to a friends kids birthday party which is kind of what I want now. I'm 30, my wilderness years are over. Time to settle down although not to be crude there are definitely some things that I'll miss! Mrflowers, you sound delightful but not sure you're grasping the point. I'm not having a dig at addicts, I was one just whether it is possible to date one when you're sober.
 
Well, not too long ago I was in active addiction, using heroin or coke every day. My girlfriend at the time, who was a great and supportive person, cared about me like the world, came and visited me in treatment on family nights... she gave me three fuck ups, and then it was over. I still can't believe how fucked up some of the stuff I did to her was, letting her stand in the doorway while I cooked up a shot. Looking blankly into her eyes smiling as I flick the last bubbles out of my needle. Damn. No wonder she left me and still feels hurt about all the shit I did...

I ran into her the other day a couple weeks ago. We hung out a few times, but I think she started to remember all those awful memories and we stopped talking. I feel kinda guilty about the whole thing, or at least my motives for trying to continue the relationship. Her parents are the owners and founders of a popular and wealthy brewing company, so I knew if I could stick it out 20 years I'd be ballin'. Ha, that is pretty bad I guess.

At this point, I couldn't date a using addict. I would undoubtedly allow their lifestyle to bring out my demons. That's kinda scary, I'd be full back into it, fuck that shit.

As far as girls knowing about my history of drug addiction, I wouldn't want to date a girl that I couldn't be honest about my past with. If someone isn't willing to look past that aspect of my life, and appreciate all the changes I've made and accomplishments and progress to get to this point, they're not worth my time. I'm a lot more than a recovering addict. In fact, because of the work I've put into my recovery I've grown and learned more about myself than any non-addict really could, without some kind of spiritual enrichment program. Ha, writing this makes me feel kinda good about myself!

Glad to have bluelight and TDS to get this shit out sometimes. Thanks for reading.
 
Hey trocious, great post. Reminds me years ago I was engaged to a girl who really loved me. I weren't an addict at the time (well I don't think I was) but some of things I did I used to laugh about with my friends. Now she's married, a top barrister and I'm hanging out with porn models (ex!). One thing I did was turn up to meet her parents for the first time on speed. She forgave me. I took loads of coke and was an arse during a law school ball, she forgave me. I pushed her too hard and now it's too late.
One thing trocious and I find this hard myself is when you meet someone you like don't launch into your drug history straight away. It's tempting but take it slowly. One thing you said should be put up in lights. 'I'm a lot more than a recoverin addict' that says it all mate. This guy my ex is now with (although they've split apparently surprise) defines himself by stoppping drinking and drugging. Yeah it's hard and an accomplishment but there's more to life. Anyone with me? Trocious good luck with the self improvement and not just resting on your laurels. PM me if you want bud you sound like a wise soul
 
trocious said:
In fact, because of the work I've put into my recovery I've grown and learned more about myself than any non-addict really could, without some kind of spiritual enrichment program. Ha, writing this makes me feel kinda good about myself!
Click to expand...

You should feel good about yourself! I like the way you put that and it is so true. Having succumbed to and then beaten back an addiction creates a certain humble awareness which is the root of compassion and compassion is the root of empowerment. Most routes to that depth of character are not easy routes to take.

CC, how is it going? Update? Still feeling strong about your decision?
 
8L4YN3 said:
^ She wont put up with it forever if you don't wake up mate.. Remember that.
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^ this. my ex whom i just left the other day had the same mindset, or so i assume. he took advantage of how many times i forgave him for the shit he did, him being addicted to alcohol i tried my best to help him but the lies and abusive tendencies got real old, real fast. everyone has their limits my friend, don't push someone you love over the edge, because they wont come back up
 
herbavore said:
You should feel good about yourself! I like the way you put that and it is so true. Having succumbed to and then beaten back an addiction creates a certain humble awareness which is the root of compassion and compassion is the root of empowerment. Most routes to that depth of character are not easy routes to take.

CC, how is it going? Update? Still feeling strong about your decision?
Click to expand...

Yep still feeling it was the right thing to do. I've already met this beautiful African American girl from California (I love you Yanks) we've had some good times. Took a boat down the river Thames and went to a Mexican restaurant. Yeah, yeah, on the rebound but it's nice to be with someone who hasn't got serious issues that leave you worrying that she might be dead if you leave her for a while. She's super sexy as well, with a gorgeous accent and she loves mine. I'm taking it very slowly but she's cool, 'normal' and confident in her own skin. Just what the doctor ordered
 
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