Not wanting to die, but not being able to live

[class-a-team]

I don't know whether or not I should blame drugs, whether they've helped me cope in difficult situations or simply exacerbated my difficulties. I often find myself questioning the worth of my existence but I know that no matter how depressed I become I will never take my own life. This sounds like a good thing but living in this limbo is torturous and even when my mood improves it's merely due to a lack of options, I never take any real action to resolve the situation, I just wait for the overwhelming misery to pass.

I've been seeing a counsellor for over a year now and I can safely say things have not improved in the slightest, life is probably worse for me now than it ever was. I feel entirely alone, surrounded by people that I don't care about and that don't care about me. I can't empathise with other people anymore, I am desperately bitter and cynical and probably selfish. At the same time, I feel worthless and used, I don't really know why. I've had an awful lot of friendships but after finishing school two months ago I find I have no close friends at all. I'm starting college in a couple of months and I'm not convinced my situation will change massively - I'll still be myself, afterall, and I don't exactly have the best track record socially. I've been dumped by close friends, often for no reason, but also for my vulnerable mental state (eating disorder) and my poor lifestyle choices (drugs) and I've purposely ended relations with friends, although the reverse has been far more common. I don't feel like I've anything in common with other people my age, and when I'm in social situations I feel a bit disconnected, not really interested in those around me.

So counselling hasn't worked, but I don't think I have depression worthy of medication. And even if I did, what would antidepressants do for me? Turn me into a fucking zombie with no emotions whatsoever and a bigger junkie than I would be if I continued my heroin use. And they could make me fat, and when I was bulimic I would've chosen death over gaining weight. In fact, I risked my life on a regular basis for the sake of staying within a calorie limit. I'm diabetic, you see, and for months on end I didn't eat after 5pm and had hypoglycemic episodes every night and ignored my symptoms, praying that I wouldn't die in my sleep. As well as that, antidepressants could possibly make me worse than I already am, and even if they worked I can't stay on them forever so I'd eventually have to face all this anyway. How do I know if I need medication? I used to think it was great that GPs would prescribe you anything you asked for but right now I'd rather somebody would take authority and make that decision for me. I can't decide how severe my feelings are, I've never experienced the suffering of anyone else and I don't know how much turmoil one must endure unaided, how much is simply part of life?

And then there's the drugs, I'm not addicted to any drug but I still feel so guilty about spending so much money on them. It's ridiculous really, as soon as you've used all the drugs you find yourself in the exact same situation only broke. I like a bit of heroin, it used to be 1-2 bags a month but it's now 4-5 bags a month now. Still, no physical addiction yet so heroin hasn't ruined me just yet. I do other drugs too, anything I can get my hands on really. Aside from the money, the guilt of lying to my mother about my drug use is really getting to me. She has more than enough evidence to believe that I use drugs but I thought that if I denied it until I was caught in the act that I'd save us both - she could remain in denial about it and I wouldn't have to face such confrontation. What's the point in admitting it anyway? Her youngest daughter uses heroin, telling the truth for once isn't going to make her feel any better about that fact. At least if I continue to deny it then she'll be some way hopeful that I don't really use drugs.

The thing is, she's done everything for me and she's had a hard time herself (My father left her after 25 years of being married). I resent my father, but I haven't stopped talking to him because I'd feel incredibly guilty if I did. But he hurt me and my mother so much I don't think I can ever forgive him, and yet, I dreamt that he killed himself because of me and felt the most horrendous sense of guilt. How can you base a relationship on guilt? And why do I feel guilty, when he was the one that did wrong? He claims to feel bad about what he did but I think he's a typical narcissist and only capable of superficial remorse.

I could write on and on but I'll be lucky if anyone reads this much. I just wish there was more to life than this but I can't see a way out. I would really appreciate any advice anyone has to offer, thanks for reading this head-wrecking shit that I can't share with anyone else.

 

[herbavore]

I could write on and on but I'll be lucky if anyone reads this much. I just wish there was more to life than this but I can't see a way out. I would really appreciate any advice anyone has to offer, thanks for reading this head-wrecking shit that I can't share with anyone else.

I read it and felt it. Do you feel that the counselor you are seeing doesn't challenge you or that you don't click or that it is just all meaningless talk? You sound like you are dealing with some pretty major depression and giving your body and brain a break from drugs would probably really help, but I also think that maybe you need to look for a different therapist. Have you ever tried any of the more active forms of therapy like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Mindfulness Techniques. I have found talk-therapy to be useful in a few situations but for general anxiety and depression it has not been that helpful for me. I like therapy that actually gives you tools that you can try to internalize and use to combat your own negative thought patterns.

It is exhausting to feel so discouraged. It is also exhausting to keep up a front. I'm sure that your mother knows about your use, though maybe she would be surprised by amounts, frequency, particular drugs, etc. You are not sparing her any pain by not telling her. She is probably feeling as helpless and depressed as you are and not being able to honestly communicate hurts both of you. Do you think that she would be supportive of you if you tried to talk to her?

Feeling like you do before going off to college can be treacherous. At the very least I hope that whatever therapist you see when you go away helps more than the one you are seeing now. If you haven't lined up anyone to see, I would take care of that early on. Going off to college depressed and without any support can be overwhelming. Do you feel even a little excited by going or are you feeling totally pessimistic right now?

 

[MissNervosa]

Yup I feel you too class-a-team,and I've been where you're at re:not wanting to live but not wanting to die *hugs*

I've suffered MDD and anxiety since I was a teenager and have been on every med in the book,and been through a tonne of counsellors too. It sounds like you are suffering some pretty major depression.

herbavore is totally right about finding a different therapist.Not all forms of therapy help all people.For example,CBT doesn't work for me but more analysis style therapy does.I'd recommend googling different types of therapy (there are loads) and see if any of them speak to you,then find a therapist who practices that kind of therapy.You won't always click with the first therapist you try either,so don't be discouraged if it doesn't seem to work for you,it's probably just a case of finding someone who "gets" you.Also having a therapist is useful as having someone to unload everything on.Just an impartial person to dump all of your deepest thoughts and fears on is really helpful to lighten the load,and get everything out,as carrying all of that stuff around in your head is exhasuting.Sharing your troubles here is good too,just get it all out.

Im guessing you're probably self medicating with drugs,and I've been there too.Unfortunately that only really helps short term,and will make things worse in the long run.

I know you said you don't think you need medication and weren't keen on it,but not all meds make you a fat emotionless zombie.Ask your doctor about Wellbutrin,as it's one med that is known to not cause weight gain,not affect sex drive,and often causes weight loss.I've been on it,and it doesn't have the awful withdrawals like many antidepressants,and has the advantage of selectively binding to the dopamine receptors,which most antidepressants lack.Trust me,dopamine regulation makes a big difference to your mood.You don't have to be on it forever,sometimes meds can help even you out a bit,and lift you out of the serious lows.They're not the be-all and end-all, but at this stage they're likely to be helpful for you.It might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist who will determine if you're in need of medication,give you a proper diagnosis and essentially " take authority and make that decision for me" as you said.

Please keep posting,we're all here for you

 

[herbavore]

I could write on and on but I'll be lucky if anyone reads this much. I just wish there was more to life than this but I can't see a way out. I would really appreciate any advice anyone has to offer, thanks for reading this head-wrecking shit that I can't share with anyone else.

I read it and felt it. Do you feel that the counselor you are seeing doesn't challenge you or that you don't click or that it is just all meaningless talk? You sound like you are dealing with some pretty major depression and giving your body and brain a break from drugs would probably really help, but I also think that maybe you need to look for a different therapist. Have you ever tried any of the more active forms of therapy like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Mindfulness Techniques. I have found talk-therapy to be useful in a few situations but for general anxiety and depression it has not been that helpful for me. I like therapy that actually gives you tools that you can try to internalize and use to combat your own negative thought patterns.

It is exhausting to feel so discouraged. It is also exhausting to keep up a front. I'm sure that your mother knows about your use, though maybe she would be surprised by amounts, frequency, particular drugs, etc. You are not sparing her any pain by not telling her. She is probably feeling as helpless and depressed as you are and not being able to honestly communicate hurts both of you. Do you think that she would be supportive of you if you tried to talk to her?

Feeling like you do before going off to college can be treacherous. At the very least I hope that whatever therapist you see when you go away helps more than the one you are seeing now. If you haven't lined up anyone to see, I would take care of that early on. Going off to college depressed and without any support can be overwhelming. Do you feel even a little excited by going or are you feeling totally pessimistic right now?

 

[class-a-team]

I read it and felt it. Do you feel that the counselor you are seeing doesn't challenge you or that you don't click or that it is just all meaningless talk? You sound like you are dealing with some pretty major depression and giving your body and brain a break from drugs would probably really help, but I also think that maybe you need to look for a different therapist. Have you ever tried any of the more active forms of therapy like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Mindfulness Techniques. I have found talk-therapy to be useful in a few situations but for general anxiety and depression it has not been that helpful for me. I like therapy that actually gives you tools that you can try to internalize and use to combat your own negative thought patterns.

It is exhausting to feel so discouraged. It is also exhausting to keep up a front. I'm sure that your mother knows about your use, though maybe she would be surprised by amounts, frequency, particular drugs, etc. You are not sparing her any pain by not telling her. She is probably feeling as helpless and depressed as you are and not being able to honestly communicate hurts both of you. Do you think that she would be supportive of you if you tried to talk to her?

Feeling like you do before going off to college can be treacherous. At the very least I hope that whatever therapist you see when you go away helps more than the one you are seeing now. If you haven't lined up anyone to see, I would take care of that early on. Going off to college depressed and without any support can be overwhelming. Do you feel even a little excited by going or are you feeling totally pessimistic right now?

Thanks very much herbavore, I really appreciate your advice and opinion on the matter.

Well the counsellor I see practices Mindfulness and ACT therapy but I don't feel as though it's right for me. But maybe she knows this which would explain why I've mostly just been talking to her during our sessions within the last few months. I really like her as a person, she's ridiculously kind and generous, but I don't feel as though she has helped me very much.

I honestly feel that if I admitted my drug use to my mother she wouldn't be too sympathetic towards me. She found a syringe in my room not too long ago and accused me of "pretending to take drugs" and told me that I might as well not go to college because I will probably not do too much with my life (even though my school grades were above-average). I somehow denied that I was using drugs and we didn't talk about it again until something else happened. I don't understand why admitting my drug use would help the situation - my mother is totally ignorant about drugs and thinks that weed is only marginally less harmful than heroin and that heroin makes people crazy (in a trippy sort of way). Plus, if I tell her about the drugs, I still won't be able to promise that I'll never use again.

I was hoping that college would change my situation dramatically and somehow my life would be totally different, and that I wouldn't need the medication because of that. But now that you say it, being this way as I start a new chapter in my life would be hell. I'll have enough change and difficulties to contend with, I really don't need the added burden of this depression. In saying that, I often doubt that I really need all this therapy, maybe I'm over-reacting? It's not like I'm always this depressed and hopeless, I rarely get excited about things but at the same time I'm not always unhappy. I feel pretty pessimistic about college because even though I'm hoping that my life will improve, I really believe that I'm a hopeless case and that things will never change for me, nobody will ever love me, I will always feel worthless and bored of life. I'm eighteen now but to be quite honest with you after all the drama of the last five years I'm feeling weary of life and just want to rest.

 

[class-a-team]

Yup I feel you too class-a-team,and I've been where you're at re:not wanting to live but not wanting to die *hugs*

I've suffered MDD and anxiety since I was a teenager and have been on every med in the book,and been through a tonne of counsellors too. It sounds like you are suffering some pretty major depression.

herbavore is totally right about finding a different therapist.Not all forms of therapy help all people.For example,CBT doesn't work for me but more analysis style therapy does.I'd recommend googling different types of therapy (there are loads) and see if any of them speak to you,then find a therapist who practices that kind of therapy.You won't always click with the first therapist you try either,so don't be discouraged if it doesn't seem to work for you,it's probably just a case of finding someone who "gets" you.Also having a therapist is useful as having someone to unload everything on.Just an impartial person to dump all of your deepest thoughts and fears on is really helpful to lighten the load,and get everything out,as carrying all of that stuff around in your head is exhasuting.Sharing your troubles here is good too,just get it all out.

Im guessing you're probably self medicating with drugs,and I've been there too.Unfortunately that only really helps short term,and will make things worse in the long run.

I know you said you don't think you need medication and weren't keen on it,but not all meds make you a fat emotionless zombie.Ask your doctor about Wellbutrin,as it's one med that is known to not cause weight gain,not affect sex drive,and often causes weight loss.I've been on it,and it doesn't have the awful withdrawals like many antidepressants,and has the advantage of selectively binding to the dopamine receptors,which most antidepressants lack.Trust me,dopamine regulation makes a big difference to your mood.You don't have to be on it forever,sometimes meds can help even you out a bit,and lift you out of the serious lows.They're not the be-all and end-all, but at this stage they're likely to be helpful for you.It might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist who will determine if you're in need of medication,give you a proper diagnosis and essentially " take authority and make that decision for me" as you said.

Please keep posting,we're all here for you

Thanks very much MissNervosa, you've certainly made some very useful suggestions.

The reason I don't think I really have depression is because I don't feel quite this bad all the time, but I feel pretty bad a lot of the time nevertheless. I think that if I had more to do with my life I wouldn't be dwelling on the futility of my life quite to the extent that I am. But when you're alone and have nothing to do, nothing to look forward to and when you can't look back on too many happy occasions during your adolescence is more than normal to fall into the trap of self-pity as I have.

My counsellor actually volunteered arranging an appointment with my GP or with a psychiatrist, but I think she's mostly worried after I mentioned feeling suicidal. But that was a brief urge I had and I overcame it pretty quickly when I realised I didn't have the guts to go through with it and decided to cut myself instead. That's another reason why I feel I don't need medication - I'm not really going to kill myself so my feelings can't be serious enough to warrant antidepressants.

I'm going to consider alternative forms of therapy as well as the antidepressants because I just need to stop this and start living. I don't remember ever feeling satisfied with my life since my pre-teen years but I want to have a life like everyone else now, not overshadowed by unexplainable anxiety and pessimism.

 

[lilmizer]

class-a are you entirely honest with your therapist about your substance abuse? I obviously don't know you...where are you from?

have you ever gone to an na/aa meeting? you seem to have classic chemically dependent personality traits.

restless irritable discontent. plagued with fear - anxiety - depression. self centered and resentful.
unfortunately heroin/other intoxicants are only a temporary fix to these issues. Guilt/dishonesty surrounding your use/ spending all funds on drugs are warning signs that things may start to get extremely unmanagable in an expedited fashion.

The good news is that there is a solution and a lot of hope...the question is has the pain gotten great enough for you to take some action, much of which will seem trite/silly/irrelevant to your predicament, but will allow you to live and experience life on life's terms?

For me, i had to unfortunately exhaust all other avenues and run my life into the ground before i was ready to take the necessary action to overcome my situation. Perhaps you don't have to go to the extreme lows that i did...

You seem relatively intelligent and capable. Unfortunately if you could think your way out of this one, i dont think you'd be posting here. I hope you find your way.

i'd love to hear from you, and if i can be of any help will do so.

[email protected]

 

[Cycik]

It doesn't work for everyone but moving to a new country has helped me a lot. I went through a similar but not as bad thing as you had, every day was a effort in itself and I felt like I was heading no where waiting to die. Moved to a new country and everything has changed, people seem happier and life has completely changed. Sometimes a new start is what is needed imo however some people it goes the other way. Best wishes that you get through this

 

[webbykevin]

OP, what do you do for a job ?

 

[class-a-team]

class-a are you entirely honest with your therapist about your substance abuse? I obviously don't know you...where are you from?

have you ever gone to an na/aa meeting? you seem to have classic chemically dependent personality traits.

restless irritable discontent. plagued with fear - anxiety - depression. self centered and resentful.
unfortunately heroin/other intoxicants are only a temporary fix to these issues. Guilt/dishonesty surrounding your use/ spending all funds on drugs are warning signs that things may start to get extremely unmanagable in an expedited fashion.

The good news is that there is a solution and a lot of hope...the question is has the pain gotten great enough for you to take some action, much of which will seem trite/silly/irrelevant to your predicament, but will allow you to live and experience life on life's terms?

For me, i had to unfortunately exhaust all other avenues and run my life into the ground before i was ready to take the necessary action to overcome my situation. Perhaps you don't have to go to the extreme lows that i did...

You seem relatively intelligent and capable. Unfortunately if you could think your way out of this one, i dont think you'd be posting here. I hope you find your way.

i'd love to hear from you, and if i can be of any help will do so.

[email protected]

Thank you lilmizer.

I have been honest with my therapist about my drug use - she obviously doesn't approve but I do my best to defend it. I have never been to an NA meeting because I've never actually had an addiction and I don't believe it is the drugs that are causing me trouble and making me feel this way. I'm only dabbling, it's not a daily habit.

I'm a little on the paranoid side so I'd rather not say exactly where I'm from but it's in Europe.

 

[class-a-team]

It doesn't work for everyone but moving to a new country has helped me a lot. I went through a similar but not as bad thing as you had, every day was a effort in itself and I felt like I was heading no where waiting to die. Moved to a new country and everything has changed, people seem happier and life has completely changed. Sometimes a new start is what is needed imo however some people it goes the other way. Best wishes that you get through this

Thanks Cycik! Unfortunately moving away is not an option for me right now but hopefully starting university will provide me with the fresh start I need.

 

[class-a-team]

OP, what do you do for a job ?

I don't work at all - I just finished school two months' ago and I'm starting university in September.

 

[lilmizer]

the whole point is you don't have to have a habituated daily use schedule to be chemically dependent. ALL of the symptoms you are describing are textbook chemically dependent emotional states... literally right out of AA/NA literature. Bottles are just a symptom of alcoholism. Drugs are just a symptom of chemical dependency. To the chemically dependent mind drugs are a viable solution from the emotional turmoil/ inability to live life on life's terms present in the user's daily existence. If drugs were your problem you would just discontinue your use and life would be grand. It is also textbook to for the user to point the finger at anything other than the drugs as the problem. Not to say that your parent's divorce wasn't significantly traumatic, and you may have abandonment issues because of it...Not to say that your relationship is perfectly healthy and functional, it is obviously not. You may have a chemical imbalance in your brain a la depression/bipolar disorder. Your stance on anti-depressants points more and more to that you have classical substance abuse issues "why feel like a braindead zombie, the issues will still be there" however your entirely willing to put a needle in your arm for opiate induced relief.

Just because you haven't habituated your opiate use (yet) doesn't mean that aa/na will not work for you. "I do other drugs too, anything I can get my hands on really." i mean... you really think that you don't have substance abuse issues?

Unfortunately you are the one who holds the keys to your own emotional prison. You must realize that you are alcoholic/chemically dependent, and then take the action necessary to realize a new way of life... a life of happiness, freedom and peace.

Then again it's probably just adolescent angst and family problems. College will fix things. (unfortunately if i am correct, you are the problem, your reaction to life, the way you perceive your reality...and you will bring you to college.) "not wanting to die, but not being able to live" was probably a little melodramatic and you're gonna be just fine. A little heroin use isn't a problem so long as you haven't habituated yet (although your tolerance and frequency of use has increase... another predicting factor of chemical dependency.) i'm not trying to be trite, just trying to break through the insidious self-deception inherent in those who are afflicted with what i am.

I would check out a young people's aa meeting. You have 2 months. worst case scenario is you waste an hour or two of your time. best case you find the solution to your problems, and are spared years of infinite suffering.

best,
-lm

 

[class-a-team]

the whole point is you don't have to have a habituated daily use schedule to be chemically dependent. ALL of the symptoms you are describing are textbook chemically dependent emotional states... literally right out of AA/NA literature. Bottles are just a symptom of alcoholism. Drugs are just a symptom of chemical dependency. To the chemically dependent mind drugs are a viable solution from the emotional turmoil/ inability to live life on life's terms present in the user's daily existence. If drugs were your problem you would just discontinue your use and life would be grand. It is also textbook to for the user to point the finger at anything other than the drugs as the problem. Not to say that your parent's divorce wasn't significantly traumatic, and you may have abandonment issues because of it...Not to say that your relationship is perfectly healthy and functional, it is obviously not. You may have a chemical imbalance in your brain a la depression/bipolar disorder. Your stance on anti-depressants points more and more to that you have classical substance abuse issues "why feel like a braindead zombie, the issues will still be there" however your entirely willing to put a needle in your arm for opiate induced relief.

Just because you haven't habituated your opiate use (yet) doesn't mean that aa/na will not work for you. "I do other drugs too, anything I can get my hands on really." i mean... you really think that you don't have substance abuse issues?

Unfortunately you are the one who holds the keys to your own emotional prison. You must realize that you are alcoholic/chemically dependent, and then take the action necessary to realize a new way of life... a life of happiness, freedom and peace.

Then again it's probably just adolescent angst and family problems. College will fix things. (unfortunately if i am correct, you are the problem, your reaction to life, the way you perceive your reality...and you will bring you to college.) "not wanting to die, but not being able to live" was probably a little melodramatic and you're gonna be just fine. A little heroin use isn't a problem so long as you haven't habituated yet (although your tolerance and frequency of use has increase... another predicting factor of chemical dependency.) i'm not trying to be trite, just trying to break through the insidious self-deception inherent in those who are afflicted with what i am.

I would check out a young people's aa meeting. You have 2 months. worst case scenario is you waste an hour or two of your time. best case you find the solution to your problems, and are spared years of infinite suffering.

best,
-lm

You could be right about me being chemically addicted - it's just hard for me to accept seeing as I have been able to live a fairly normal life despite my drug use. I do think that if I was more content with my life I wouldn't use as much. I made the mistake of always using in social situations and now I have a type of social anxiety around people when I'm not using. But it's the boredom that drives me to drugs - I don't really have any hobbies or interests, it all seems like effort. I could just about manage when I was at school because I was so busy studying but I've been totally lost since I finished school.

You do sound rather blunt but I know you only want to help so I appreciate that. I didn't disclose all of the difficulties I've faced in the last few years so I don't blame you for thinking it's just teen angst, although I feel as though you would not be so dismissive of my problem had you thought I was older. I think my diabetes may have affected me somewhat, depression is quite common amongst young people with diabetes. I developed an eating disorder a few months before my father left and my best friend at the time wasn't really there for me so I was a bit lonely. When my father left I discovered that he was having an affair and I didn't know whether or not anyone else knew so I kept it to myself. Meanwhile, I began self-harming and didn't talk to him for months. I didn't have any close friends by this stage and my eating disorder became more severe, and I noticed that my mother also had issues with food so I blamed her for my own problem. I always felt like she was in competition to eat less than me and I hated her for it. My eating disorder lasted for more than two years and I never confided in anyone about it, it only ended when I started using drugs at the age of sixteen. I used a lot of different drugs around this age but I binged on codeine a few times a week and when I fell out with friends I began self-harming again for a while. A year later I was sexually assaulted by my first cousin and I started using solvents (nearly died once) and self-harming again. Then I began using heroin, simply because I felt I had nothing left to lose.

I made so much progress since then, made new friends and worked very hard in school, but I find myself back at square one. I know it seems as though I was full of self-pity in the original post but I was on a stimulant comedown at the time. Honestly though, I do feel hard done by, am I not entitled to? None of my friends had to go through any of this and while I had to put up with them whining about boyfriends and pretending to be interested in such trivial matters I had to contend with all this. I'm bitter because I was a really good friend for most people - I was loyal, trustworthy and generous - but they never had time for me and dumped me at the drop of a hat when someone better came along.

Thank you so much if you're still reading this! I realise how tiresome my self-pitying must seem but I just need to vent.

 

[herbavore]

It doesn't sound like self-pity; you are just explaining in more detail some of what you are dealing with. No need for apologies.

Lots of people can live "a fairly normal life" for many years convincing themselves that because they are capable of meeting their responsibilities that they are not drug dependent. Deciding to take heroin because you had "nothing left to lose" sounds like really dangerous thinking. The boredom and detachment from everything that you are feeling might make you want to get high but have you ever considered that it could also be exacerbated by getting high?

What I want to tell you I hope you will not take offense at (because I know that it can come off as useless fear-based logic to get off drugs) but my son died when he was just a year older than you. For four years before he died he maintained that he knew what he was doing and was in control, and it was not until the last year of his life that he could no longer deny his own fallibility. He used to say that boredom and the "fuck it, it's already too late" attitude were his worst triggers to use. When I hear you say those things it sends a shiver down my spine. Give yourself a huge present. Go off to college sober. It might be that you will be able to feel more, not less, excited about your new life and all the new possibilities. College is a time when you can reinvent yourself. No one knows you and it is a unique opportunity to define yourself on your own terms without your family's or old friends' influence.

 

[jtb2709]

Give yourself a huge present. Go off to college sober. It might be that you will be able to feel more, not less, excited about your new life and all the new possibilities. College is a time when you can reinvent yourself. No one knows you and it is a unique opportunity to define yourself on your own terms without your family's or old friends' influence.

hi class-a. i lurk here at BL a lot and don't post much but i feel really moved by your situation. i want to reiterate this quote above because i feel like it is very sage advice and is the best thing you could do for yourself right now and its something you definitely have complete control of, as opposed to your depression. to be blunt with you: it is extremely likely you have a much more severe addiction than you are telling yourself. period. that's how it begins with almost everybody who becomes addicted. realize this and save yourself a lot of trouble. NA would be a very wise decision. attend a few meetings with an open heart, maybe share your feelings and situation with the group, and see if it helps you feel any better. it might not be for you but there's nothing to lose from trying it out. google "Narcotics Anonymous (your city)" and you'll probably find a resource that will give you a schedule of meetings around your area. a lot of people don't realize how badly they are addicted until they have dug themselves a really deep hole that becomes a tremendous struggle to climb out of; be the rare exception who had enough foresight to free yourself from a future of incredible suffering due to a battle with heroin addiction... and oh golly what an amazing person you'd be in the eyes of an addict.

i guess my advice is simple and i hope it doesn't strike you as trivial: try to remember as often as you can to take full, deep, and complete breaths. sometimes in this life my breath is the only thing i can ever feel certain about. its benefit might not be immediately apparent, but it can make a huge difference. maybe illustrate a symbol of a little puff of air on your hand to help you remember. give it a whirl and a swirl. if you aren't going to take your own life (thankfully), you best embrace the attitude that you're going to try and start living, one step at a time; doing otherwise is just silly. the optimism will seep in slowly - and one day it will strike you as to how delectable it tastes. best wishes and much love.

 

[class-a-team]

It doesn't sound like self-pity; you are just explaining in more detail some of what you are dealing with. No need for apologies.

Lots of people can live "a fairly normal life" for many years convincing themselves that because they are capable of meeting their responsibilities that they are not drug dependent. Deciding to take heroin because you had "nothing left to lose" sounds like really dangerous thinking. The boredom and detachment from everything that you are feeling might make you want to get high but have you ever considered that it could also be exacerbated by getting high?

What I want to tell you I hope you will not take offense at (because I know that it can come off as useless fear-based logic to get off drugs) but my son died when he was just a year older than you. For four years before he died he maintained that he knew what he was doing and was in control, and it was not until the last year of his life that he could no longer deny his own fallibility. He used to say that boredom and the "fuck it, it's already too late" attitude were his worst triggers to use. When I hear you say those things it sends a shiver down my spine. Give yourself a huge present. Go off to college sober. It might be that you will be able to feel more, not less, excited about your new life and all the new possibilities. College is a time when you can reinvent yourself. No one knows you and it is a unique opportunity to define yourself on your own terms without your family's or old friends' influence.

Thanks again herbavore, I don't know how you're always around to offer advice to people like me but you're a greater help than you can imagine!

I think I am dependent as well as depressed. It's probably just as well that I can't really use drugs while on this medication because I'm sure if I continued to use I'd end up miserable anyway. I'm certain my lows are far more severe after using drugs, especially the comedowns from stimulants, they just destroy me.

I don't feel any way offended by you sharing your story, I really appreciate it and I can't even begin to imagine how awful that must have been for you. I hope that I can change my life when I go to college but right now it's hard to imagine any different to what I'm living. I think the biggest challenge for me will be losing my drug user identity and starting afresh - who will I be?