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girlfriend doesn't like touch/affection

  • Thread starter Thread starter mushrooms
  • Start date Start date
M

mushrooms

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Long long story, but Ill try to sum it up well.
Been together a long time. Over 7 years.
She has never really been too affectionate or sweet or whatever. Ive always just tried to ignore it.
Lately though, its become really hard on me.
I love showing and recieving affection. Hugs, kisses, cuddling, sweet gestures, etc. It seems as though she doesnt.
She always says shes not "touchy feeling". If I stop (which I am now) approaching her for things, it would never happen. Sex is never iniated, getting close isnt, etc.
After sex, instead of laying there in the afterglow for awhile, she wants to get up and get dressed and back to her weed.
She flinches when contact is made a lot of the time, too.

Ive tried very hard to express these things to her, that I need that feeling of intimacy, she gets really defensive saying shit like "sorry im not good enough for you", etc.

Yesterday, I slid down to her side of the couch, touched her chin and started a really nice, soft kissing session that lasted about 7-10 seconds. After I stopped I noticed a look and asked her if that just bothered her. She replied saying "no, its fine, just dont do that too much"
Wtf?
I, after ALL THIS TIME, just now realized that she just doesnt like to be near me (or maybe anybody, idk)
She only just tolerates the touching. Doesnt enjoy it. That hurts.
I love showing affection and being sweet, but the reason that I love it so much is that I enjoye making my woman feel good.
When I now realize that she doesnt even like it, I think, whats the point?
I just love to (think...:-( ) that im making her feel good, now that I know she doesnt like it (and possibly flat out hates it) im getting really down on myself.
I just want to be in a loving relationship, and when I now try to show affection, it makes me feel sad that Im not giving her anything she enjoys, which makes it hurt even more due to that I like showing her affectioj because I thought it made her feel good, now when I realize its doing the opposite, its become unbearably hurtful.

What can I do to make this better? Advice, PLEASE!

the only contact she likes (i think) is back rubs and such.
We would go probably 3-4 months without sex or romantic contact if I didnt approach her for it....and even then, shes ony doing contact to please me...and now that I see that shes only doing it to please, things have become chaotic in my head.

Insight please...thanks BL
 
Reading your post, I had this weird feeling like my bf posted it since he knows I go on here.
Everything you described is pretty much how I am except I'm not really defensive and try and be considerate of his feelings.
And he calls me his woman to other people lol. When I read the weed part I was like phew! not me. Weeds not my thing.

I don't know why she's like that. It could be abuse when she was young. I can't speak for her.
I don't know exactly why I don't like intimacy... There are some things that might contribute, but for all I know it's just how I am. I had sex at a really young age and while I had some really caring boyfriends I was also with older guys who I felt used me for sex. I don't speak to anyone in my family except for my dad, and only recently has he became a consistent part of my life again. Growing up, I desperately wanted him to be in my life and felt very abandoned by him after my parents divorced. And.. I don't like sex. I have had zero sex drive since abusing MDMA at 14, depression, and more recently opiate abuse. And on top of that, I have back pain and get hot and cold easily. And whether I'm on opiates or H or I'm not, I'm so damn irritable.

Basically, there can be many factors. I would suggest talking to her about it. Don't blame her or make her feel guilty. Just ask her about it and listen. If it's a psychological thing or due to prior bad experiences, see if she's open to talking to a psychologist maybe? Or just work on it with her yourself.
 
The only way to make it better ( for you ) is to move on.

To put it bluntly: You two are mismatched.

I feel like I know your pain, as I was in a long term relationship with someone whose physical affections were few and far between.

I'm pretty cynical about this, I know. Maybe others have had better experiences and advice on how to possibly mend this situation.
 
Print out what you typed and let her read it. If she is unmoved by the fact that you are asking random strangers for help making her happy, I doubt anything will move her to reconsider.

Unfortunately, by staying with her for 7 years, you sent the message that you are fine with little to no intimacy, so it could be a big surprise for her to find out you feel this way. I would suggest talking to her - tell her exactly what you told us.
 
1394 said:
She could be a lesbian you know...
Click to expand...

Or she could be asexual. I know asexuals that do not like being touched, and don't initiate sex since they have no sex drive or desire for sex or lust towards anyone. They do enjoy doing things like cuddling, spooning, or massage though; but not as a precursor to sex or actual intimacy when two people want each other.

Honestly, I would break up with her. You've been with her for seven years and you're a good guy for sticking things out and trying to make things work; but you can't change someone or make them like being touched, show affection, or initiate sex and enjoy sex if they apparently do not like any of this. Good luck.
 
muvolution said:
Print out what you typed and let her read it. If she is unmoved by the fact that you are asking random strangers for help making her happy, I doubt anything will move her to reconsider.

Unfortunately, by staying with her for 7 years, you sent the message that you are fine with little to no intimacy, so it could be a big surprise for her to find out you feel this way. I would suggest talking to her - tell her exactly what you told us.
Click to expand...

Printing out something could seriously backfire. She could be mega private about her life and could fry your ass for telling other people. Why don't you just lay your cards on the table and just talk to her and tell her that this isn't working for you.
 
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