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How Are You In One Word v. I know the feeling!

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I want to say I feel lonely, because I do, but I also feel alone. I feel like I'm on a different level to everyone else, that I have different capabilities. I feel like a social life is within my reach but I just don't have the strength to grip. As every day goes by, more and more opportunities slip through my fingers. More tired moments are wasted in tedium, in desire.
It's been too long since I've loved. Since I've cared. Since I've had a relationship to nurture, and grow.
Everything is bleak, and there's nobody I can turn to. I have nobody to hug, nobody to completely converse. I don't even know if I want to talk. It's all so fucked.
I really wish there was somebody I could comfortably hug right now. Someone I could hold onto tight and feel like things are okay.
Maybe it'd be easier to live this way if I hadn't experienced the love, the bond, previously.
I am alone, and I feel alone, but what I feel most is lonely.
 
^ <3 <3 <3 I wish I could give you a huuuuuuuuuge hug right now. Please be patient and you'll find the love you're looking for when the timing/person is right. You have a bunch of people here in TDS that care a lot for you. PM me if you want to chat. <3

My word right now is worried
 
^about what, Spork? I am a worrier, always have been; but I am getting better at letting things happen without worrying about them first. Do whatever you can realistically do about the situation and then let go. It's these projections into the future that can really throw us out of whack. Still, I hope whatever it is that is causing you worry turns out for the best.<3

Me: reconnecting. After being gone a month I have lots of reconnecting to do from the mundane (a stack of mail and bills from here to the ceiling!) to friends that have gone through major life-changes while I was away. My three cats seem to think that if they all sit on me that I won't be able to leave again so every time I sit anywhere one jumps on me and settles in. Doesn't make it very easy to clean the house which is what I'm supposed to be doing. But then again, it is conducive to reconnecting with Bluelight so it's all good!:)
 
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I'd give you a pretty massive hug right now <3
I've been patient, and continue to be so, to no end, for no reason.
It's so weird to feel lonely, yet have no desire to try and build a relationship with anyone.
Like, on my first acid trip, I lost the desire to talk to people. Like, I came down and it was such a relief to have no desire to talk to anyone, to not feel the need to say anything at all.
Now I just miss having a friend. I miss everything about it.
Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I can go out and make friends. They're just no real friends, they don't mean anything to me. It's just somebody I'm with as I waste away the moments of my shitty life.
My life is lacking a lot of things, but I care about relationships the most.
I miss it so much. I hate being around couples, or romantic/close/loving friends. I hate seeing close bonds. I hate hearing about old relationships, or seeing how easily you can make new ones.
Not because I don't want you to have that, but because I can't have it.
I don't like being in this environment, I'm much less lonely when I'm physically on my own.
 
There's always a few things I'm worried about. My mom is a worrier as well so I come by it naturally I guess. I'm going to see my parents for the first time since November (when my grandfather died) tonight. They're staying over and I'm worried that my apartment will not be clean enough for them even though I know it is. The last time I was around them I was kind of emotional too (with good reason). It was the first time since I was very young that they saw me cry and I just couldn't stop. I guess I kind of feel vulnerable now and am worried they might see me differently and expect me to act differently since then. I know this is all irrational and they're my parents and will love me no matter what, but I can't help but worry a bit.
 
Miserable.

All I want to do is shoot dope today, it's been awhile since I felt this way. I'm doing all the right things but i can't shake it yet. It's been a really tough week, my PTSD flashbacks are occurring more and more I am so sick of this shit.
 
Thanks herb,
Met w my sponsor and hit a group ( lousy group but can't all be winners lol ) and I am doin much better. Hope Alls well w you
 
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