How to be less judgemental?

[shishigami]

My dad is quite judgmental and critical and I am becoming more and more like him.

I really realized that because I was much too controlling of my ex-GF, not in what I said but simply how I wanted her to act. She was afraid of doing something silly, stupid, or goofy because I would dislike it and judge her for it.

Anyway, whether or not we get back together, I would like to be less like him because I feel like my life will be easier in the long run if I'm more accepting of people.

Any advice?

 

[Lysis]

Just remember this: The whole "I don't judge" statement is stupid, because any educated person judges. It's what we do to filter people out to protect ourselves.

So, you have to analyze how you judge and ask yourself why you are "judging" that person. Does it really matter? Is the "thing" you are judging really important? Is it because that person is black or poor or whatever? Do you find good in that person?

You need to analyze your own behaviors and try to change them, if you think what you are judging based on something stupid (race, gender, etc), then try to analyze your thoughts before you react.

 

[Cyc]

I used to think that getting older taught people tolerance and open-mindedness, but now I think it just teaches people to keep their mouths shut. Educating yourself is probably the best way to open your mind. It doesn't have to be formal education, just a drive to fulfill your curiosity about the world and the things and people in it.

I've found that the judgmental people in my life have one thing in common, and that is they are not curious people. They all think that they have the world figured out, and tend to peg things down with limited knowledge about the things and people they judge, and when confronted with new information, seem to get frustrated.

Now what Lysis said is absolutely true. We all discriminate and make judgments, otherwise we wouldn't bother getting out of bed in the morning. The difference is simply how much information we have to draw our judgments toward conclusions.

 

[shishigami]

It's mostly because I am extremely confident of who I am and people who differ in opinions from me I believe are wrong. Which is so close minded. It's not ever about race or anything like that.

For instance I judge my girlfriend (we broke up Thursday so I keep on saying that even though I guess she's my ex) for drinking and liking to have a good time and socialize because I usually really dislike drinking and hanging out with people I don't know. And I judge her past because it includes things that are unsavory. We broke up because she was drinking at a party with a close friend, who she happened to hook up with a while ago, and there were a bunch of people jumping in a pool so she stripped to her underwear and jumped in the pool. I just freaked out. I judged her for drinking, for hanging out with the guy (because they recently became close again after a period of not being friends at all) and drinking, for jumping in the pool. Just a whole bunch of shit. I just couldn't take it. There were other issues but it was the breaking point.

I'm journaling about it now. The breakup and my judgmental feelings both. I asked both my mom and my sister to tell me when I'm being too judgmental.

One thing I've found that the judgmental people in my life have in common is that they are not curious people. They all think that they have the world figured out, and tend to peg things down with limited knowledge about the things and people they judge, and when confronted with new information, they often seem to get frustrated.

I don't really think it's that. I'm love learning about random stuff and really liking fleshing out academic arguments. With people though I peg them down immediately. Or peg some part of them down and it's very hard to change that part. And it shouldn't be.

 

[Libby]

Compassion. Everyone makes judgements on everything and everyone, feeling compassion for others and knowing no-one (including yourself) gets everything right all of the time can keep you from using your judgements against others in negative and unhealthy ways.

 

[shishigami]

What makes you like this? Is it a fear of what other people may think of u if u if ur gf is acting a little silly etc are you insecure as a person?

No it's that I'm more mature and rarely do silly things. I guess I should do them a bit more.

Compassion. Everyone makes judgements on everything and everyone, feeling compassion for others and knowing no-one (including yourself) gets everything right all of the time can keep you from using your judgements against others in negative and unhealthy ways.

Yea I definitely judge her for things I've done as well in the past that I just kinda brush off for myself. So I need to be as forgiving of myself as I am of her.

 

[Libby]

Indeed, yet I would refrain from use of the term "forgiving" as such... Forgiving implies there was a wrong doing, upon which you in your divine grace and superiority release said wrong dooer from rightful blame. Don't think of it like this if you want to be less judgemental. It is not a crime to fall short of perfect, if it were you yourself would also be guilty (along with the rest of the world) and in no position of superiority to offer your forgiveness to the offender. Condescending don't you think? Instead of focusing on the mistakes made by others, try to look at the intent behind their actions. If someone is fucking shit up because they don't care about anyone, didn't try, or had malicious motives that's alot different to someone who meant well and fucked up coz they're human or due to limiting circumstances.

 

[Jean-Paul]

if someone isn't your type of person and doesn't do the things you approve of, i see no sense of changing your views for them. because your views won't really change, will they? it is who you are and what you want.

if you are having some kind of identity crisis, and want to change who you are i wouldn't put it on someone else but accept that you need to focus on yourself instead and are not ready for a relationship.

if you are just jealous you think she may have cheated on you, and stripped naked in front of that guy while drunk at a party. maybe accept that she is at a point in her life that does not coincide with you being together. instead of blaming her. like that other person said, every thinking person is judgmental. it's a matter of not thinking you can change or blame either one of you but accepting yourself.

but i don't really know what i am saying, i'm drunk

 

[Libby]

^Raises a good point, it's possible you are not too judgemental but perhaps need to keep searching for people who are more your type of people to socialise with instead of this ex-GF and similar.

 

[kytnism]

I used to think that getting older taught people tolerance and open-mindedness, but now I think it just teaches people to keep their mouths shut. Educating yourself is probably the best way to open your mind. It doesn't have to be formal education, just a drive to fulfill your curiosity about the world and the things and people in it.

I've found that the judgmental people in my life have one thing in common, and that is they are not curious people. They all think that they have the world figured out, and tend to peg things down with limited knowledge about the things and people they judge, and when confronted with new information, seem to get frustrated.

Now what Lysis said is absolutely true. We all discriminate and make judgments, otherwise we wouldn't bother getting out of bed in the morning. The difference is simply how much information we have to draw our judgments toward conclusions.

or how important we view our projections of judgment onto others; and premeditate potential outcomes that often lead to disappointment.

the only suggestion i can offer to the op is to grant those youre dealing with with the same compassion, respect and freedom you expect of others when dealing with you.

and when that cant be done; allow hindsight to run its course, and learn to better yourself through age and experience.

as the adage states; in each and every day, in each and every way. im getting better and better.



...kytnism...

 

[spacejunk]

if you are just jealous you think she may have cheated on you, and stripped naked in front of that guy while drunk at a party. maybe accept that she is at a point in her life that does not coincide with you being together. instead of blaming her. like that other person said, every thinking person is judgmental. it's a matter of not thinking you can change or blame either one of you but accepting yourself.

but i don't really know what i am saying, i'm drunk

^ no, i totally agree. i can see why you would be jealous in this situation, for sure.
i think you just need to find someone that doesn't make you uncomfortable in ways like this.
i don't know how unnecessarily judgemental you actually are, but if someone provokes your jealous side, perhaps you're not right for each other (no matter how much you love her).
i've certainly adored girls that made me feel like absolute shit, even if they weren't necessarily doing anything wrong. just because i loved them, didn't mean we should be together. if you don't like drinking (or drunks) it can make for some really uncomfortable situations when your significant other is intoxicated and uninhibited and you're sober and feeling awkward.
in my experience (as a non-drinker also) this is perfectly reasonable! don't be too hard on yourself - break-ups are difficult, and you might see things really differently in a couple of months.

 

[shishigami]

if you are just jealous you think she may have cheated on you, and stripped naked in front of that guy while drunk at a party. maybe accept that she is at a point in her life that does not coincide with you being together. instead of blaming her. like that other person said, every thinking person is judgmental. it's a matter of not thinking you can change or blame either one of you but accepting yourself.

Whether I get back together with her or not I'd still like to be less judgmental because I don't want to hurt another friend like I hurt her in that way. Or like my dad hurts me, or my mom, or my sister by judging us and being critical of us.

On the relationship side, she didn't cheat, I know that. She didn't get naked. And she did it because she didn't want to get her shirt and shorts wet, not specifically to get less clothed in front of a bunch of a people, which is what I focused on.

i don't know how unnecessarily judgemental you actually are, but if someone provokes your jealous side, perhaps you're not right for each other (no matter how much you love her).
i've certainly adored girls that made me feel like absolute shit, even if they weren't necessarily doing anything wrong. just because i loved them, didn't mean we should be together. if you don't like drinking (or drunks) it can make for some really uncomfortable situations when your significant other is intoxicated and uninhibited and you're sober and feeling awkward.
in my experience (as a non-drinker also) this is perfectly reasonable!

I wasn't there so I didn't really feel awkward about it. Yea I definitely wish she wouldn't make me worry like that. Things that I'm unnecessarily judgmental about:
Clothes (hers are cutesy but sometimes a bit low cut and I give her a ton of shit for it)
Her not being knowledgable about politics or food, but she's completely open to exploring it.
Her past (she was a home wrecker and has cheated and hates herself for both of them and when I get stuck on her past I sometimes bring it up).
Drinking (I do a ton of drugs and she accepts that but I worry when she drinks simply because it's relatively new for her).

These are only examples that relate to her but there are other general ones.

And I saw a shrink today to talk about me being judgmental. I think he'll help.

 

[purplefirefly]

No it's that I'm more mature and rarely do silly things. I guess I should do them a bit more.

Having a light hearted sense of humor doesn't necessarily make someone immature. I love to laugh and be silly sometimes and I would say that I am mature. Her sense of humor differs from yours, doesn't necessarily make her less mature than you.

 

[shishigami]

Having a light hearted sense of humor doesn't necessarily make someone immature. I love to laugh and be silly sometimes and I would say that I am mature. Her sense of humor differs from yours, doesn't necessarily make her less mature than you.

My last post was confusing, I didn't mean to say that her necessarily doing goofy things made her less mature, it was more of two separate comments.

I talked to her yesterday and I saw (read not snooping just handed her phone to her), a text from the close friend (I think something only she considers)/ hook up G, that he thinks that some time when they're both single they should get together again, implied that he would be fine with hooking up with her even though he has a girlfriend, and told her he cheated on his girlfriend the night they last hung out, and told my ex that now that she's single she should fuck this other kid. They were planning on going biking but when my ex got to his house he ended up just pulling out a handle of vodka so they just got drunk with a group of people. I asked if she was still planning on hanging out with him and she said yea because he's a nice and fun guy.

On the judging side I've been trying to do it less, just catch myself when it happens and try to rationally explain it, it usually works.