Another 'Awkward Guy needs help with Text-Messaging' Thread

[RedLeader]

Hello. So this topic is probably going to be completely unoriginal from what I'm sure a bunch of other socially awkward men face, but nonetheless I'd like to have another iteration of it.

About a month ago, I met a girl at an event. It was pretty cool, since we both acknowledged that we were happy to have met the other (we're both kinda "out there" new-age hippies, living in places where we feel out of our element). She is really kind, genuine, open-minded, has a DMT molecule tattooed on her body, and so on. I was very open from the start with her about my past-addiction and the stuff I'm dealing with, and I didn't feel judged at all (this was very refreshing for me, since I've struggled a bit in recovery with women not running away when I open up about that stuff). I was trying to do the event sober, though, and she wasn't there alone, so we were limited in how much we could talk. Without going into specifics, she spent a lot of time preparing something for me in her space that first night, which she didn't have to do and really felt like the nicest thing a person has done for me in a while. Anyway, she gave me her phone number under the pretense of further discussion about what she made for me, but also included a ", or ever just want to talk" in there.

She and I live 2 hours apart and neither of us have reliable transportation at least for a few more months, so we're looking at one of those situations were I feel pressured to 'keep the conversation going,' over text-message, for the duration of that time. Impossible, probably. But I've managed to do it for 4 weeks, so ya know, if the past dictates the future, right?

We text a lot to each other, me probably a bit more to her than her to me (I'm one of those hyper-shy people who won't shut up through an electronic interface). I will send her long(ish) texts one or twice a day about ideas I'm having, stuff I've read, newage hippie BS, and so on. She seems genuinely interested in it, and will often comment (in length) back about the things I bring up. It's not like she's blowing me off or anything, no. I write a short-novel, she writes a short-novel back.

Now here is the problem. She just never really seaways into new conversation topics. Never asks me questions, never is the one to initiate a conversation about a topic. On the surface, this might look like she's just being polite or does not want to completely blow me off, but yet she does write long texts back that probably take a good time to prepare. She doesn't have to do this, and she shouldn't if she's not interested in me, even as a friend. It's just that the dynamic of the exchanges is one where I'm always taking the lead, and this just makes me question what's going on.

We really got along great when we met, and she even suggested in her first text to me after that event (she texted me first) that we "have coffee" as soon as she can drive again. Everything else seems good, I'm just perplexed why she would talk with me on a daily basis, but never initiate anything or take the lead. Are some people really this passive? Or is she just really polite and does not want to be rude to me, despite probably having little interest, and instead will type 30 texts to me a day to avoid having to be rude? Should I just slow way, way down on my texts and see if the dynamic changes? "Just be yourself, RL"....sure, but what then happens is that "myself" really likes her as a person and wants to talk her ear off, resulting in this.

I am a 27 year old man, not a 16 year old girl, and I really shouldn't be thinking this much about this. It's kind of sad. Yet at the same time, it is what it is, and I'm asking for advice. This seems to be a reoccurring theme with me and women, that I talk and talk and talk and cannot tell whether the person's just passive or is not interested yet does not want to be rude.

 

[sockpuppet]

I am a 27 year old man, not a 16 year old girl, and I really shouldn't be thinking this much about this. It's kind of sad. Yet at the same time, it is what it is, and I'm asking for advice. This seems to be a reoccurring theme with me and women, that I talk and talk and talk and cannot tell whether the person's just passive or is not interested yet does not want to be rude.

Sounds like you're rather passive actually - which is fine, but may not be helpful if you are actively seeking sexual relationships or serious friendships or whatever.

Why the texts? I'm an old man who refuses to carry one of those listening/tracking devices you young people call "phones", but I've seen enough text messaging to know they are not at all conducive to real human interactions much less a detailed conversation. Why don't you speak on the phone? There may be many reasons why she is not comfortable expanding your conversations via text message. Indeed, if she is a smart outlaw woman with a spice molecule tatt hopefully she is not comfortable with discussing interesting things via phone either - but even without the security factor there are many reasons why a person might not like sms communication.

In general - you'd be wise to relax and enjoy developing her as whatever kind of friend she becomes without any particular agenda, BUT understanding that you probably really dig this woman and have hopes of eventual elfspice sex magick rituals with her, your best bet is to both relax/drop expectations/kick back AND be a bit more direct with her. No need to be coy - tell her you dig her and want to get to know her better in person when you have transpo again - tell her you feel silly texting her all the time but don't usually meet interesting chicks with dmt ink - tell her you're a neurotic 27 year old who's been through a lot of drug trouble and is socially awkward but thinks she's great. Be ACTIVE - but don't expect too much and accept that it's still a positive thing if you can risk yourself by being a bit more direct and even if all you do is make a new online friend or even just have a little text flirtation that doesn't last it's all good....

Good luck.

 

[Tude]

I say slow down on the texts. If you're always available, she'll take you for granted. If she cares, she'll text you first asking what's going on. If she doesn't, there's your answer.

 

[1394]

Dude, the worst that can happen is that she was just being polite.

It's not the end of the world, you are only tormenting yourself. Get out of that thought paradigm and drink coffee with her

 

[K-Dazed]

Are some people really this passive? Or is she just really polite and does not want to be rude to me, despite probably having little interest, and instead will type 30 texts to me a day to avoid having to be rude? Should I just slow way, way down on my texts and see if the dynamic changes? "Just be yourself, RL"....sure, but what then happens is that "myself" really likes her as a person and wants to talk her ear off, resulting in this.

I am a 27 year old man, not a 16 year old girl, and I really shouldn't be thinking this much about this. It's kind of sad. Yet at the same time, it is what it is, and I'm asking for advice. This seems to be a reoccurring theme with me and women, that I talk and talk and talk and cannot tell whether the person's just passive or is not interested yet does not want to be rude.

It seems like you both are just really, really passive. She has genuine interest in you, so go for it. Put down the cellphone, take her to coffee, and talk to her like a real person. Me personally, I don't text too much because most of the time I don't have shit to say through text. If it's something important I'll iterate it through words, so most of the time I only text to "check-up" on people - make plans, see if the homies are awake etc. When people text me "short-novels" I respond in my normal text-reply fashion, short and sweet, and I rarely carry-over conversations or start new ones through text. It just never made sense to me to have full-fledged conversation through text, as there's always too much detail to text.

I'm not really sure if any of that rambling helped, but meet her in person and take her out for coffee.

 

[RecklessWOT]

Sounds like you're rather passive actually - which is fine, but may not be helpful if you are actively seeking sexual relationships or serious friendships or whatever.

Why don't you speak on the phone? There may be many reasons why she is not comfortable expanding your conversations via text message. Indeed, if she is a smart outlaw woman with a spice molecule tatt hopefully she is not comfortable with discussing interesting things via phone either - but even without the security factor there are many reasons why a person might not like sms communication.

It seems like you both are just really, really passive. She has genuine interest in you, so go for it. Put down the cellphone, take her to coffee, and talk to her like a real person. Me personally, I don't text too much because most of the time I don't have shit to say through text. If it's something important I'll iterate it through words, so most of the time I only text to "check-up" on people - make plans, see if the homies are awake etc. When people text me "short-novels" I respond in my normal text-reply fashion, short and sweet, and I rarely carry-over conversations or start new ones through text. It just never made sense to me to have full-fledged conversation through text, as there's always too much detail to text.

This is basically what I was going to say as well. I really have a hard time keeping things going through texts. I have so many numbers in my phone of girls that I hit it off with in person with but I just don't do well with text messages, and often times I feel as though I don't really know her well enough to call her so it just fades away. Idk, maybe I'M too passive myself. Try speaking to her if you want to try to have meaningful conversations rather than writing it through texts, she may just not be into that.

Also, the sooner you two are able to transport yourselves to each other so you can hang out in person the better. Best not to let things cook off too long cause eventually they will run out of fuel. You may be surprised to find that she really still digs you.

 

[spork]

Usually when someone sends me a long-winded text, I don't know how to respond. I get frustrated because it's hard for me to type a lot from my phone. Maybe this is the case with her as well? Could you possibly communicate with her via instant messenger or e-mail instead?

 

[iheartthisthread]

Have you been at all flirtatious? You might be surprised by her reaction. She brought up texting. She texted you first. What do you need and written invitation? Come on man, she`s into you. Think about it...

 

[llama112]

I'm not completely sure what the problem is. She's texting you, she's hoping to meet up with you. She just doesn't ask you questions? I would presume that's because you're initiating a lot of conversation, there isn't a lot of time for her to ask questions. Besides, if you're writing a lot, you're probably giving out a lot of info, what else does she need to ask? As well, if there is something she's curious about, maybe she'd prefer to learn about it in person.
That's my take on it ... try and meet up with her IRL as soon as possible. Texting sucks for things like this. That being said - I'm glad it's around - because it can help people communicate and still keep in tough like this .

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

ok look dude i know everyones different and all that shit but girls take that texting shit too seriously. like for instance putting 2 ? instead of 1 means shes legit interested, and saying heyy or heyyy as opposed to just hey means she wants to fuck or w.e. either way its a total mindfuck and u def shudnt look too much into it. its not like u have a lot invested in this girl, so i wudnt text her all the time and shit. id not text her for like 3 days or so and then ask if she wants to chill and just judge it from there

i hate trying to read girls through facebook or text messages cause they like to play mind games like its their fuckin job. try and chill with her in person and judge where to take it from there, its not always easy but its the best way and just remember practice makes perfect

 

[Ninae]

Texting is a bit needy. If I'm with a guy I like him to initiate contact 90% of the time so he gets the feeling he's chasing rather than being with someone who wants it more than him an start taking you for granted. Try it and see her interest rise.

Only insecure people have a problem with this and start thinking things like "How come she doesn't message me as much?" etc. Who cares? She should be grateful for the attention you give her and never message more than she does, or she might start thinking "Hmm, maybe think guy is much more into me than I him and I don't like him as much as I though?" Always a bad idea and nothing to worry about. Then you have those who get super-stressed about that kind of thing, but with any luck you can avoid that.

If my boyfriend hasn't messaged me in 5 days I act like I haven't even noticed. Not because I don't care, but I know kicking up a fuss about it will just make things worse. While if you don't seem to really care he might start thinking "Maybe she doesn't like me as much" and start chasing you harder - result.

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

If my boyfriend hasn't messaged me in 5 days I act like I haven't even noticed. Not because I don't care, but I know kicking up a fuss about it will just make things worse. While if you don't seem to really care he might start thinking "Maybe she doesn't like me as much" and start chasing you harder - result.

perfect example of a girl and their mind games

 

[Ninae]

More like a necessary evil, depending how the guy works. If a guy is super insecure and spends all day waiting for your messages, whatever. Then if a guy can't really be bothered with all that and like to be the one to chase and initiate contact it kind of goes without saying what would yield the better result.

And I think you need to give each other more space for attraction and to appreciate each other. I just can't personally be bothered with worrying too much about text messages - he will texts when he wants and nothing you can do can change that - and just save it for when you see each other. I think the current needy SMS culture is kind of silly and too much worry goes into it. But that's just my opinion. I know when you're crazy about each other it's natural to want to msg each other hundred times a day, but please don'y do that.