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ruining my own life

T

TylerD

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 9, 2012
Messages
6
I have suffered from anxiety now for the past 3 years, and it has begun to seriously ruin my life.

A while back I met a girl travelling and thought the world of her. For the last 5 months have built a fairly solid relationship with her during daily skype sessions and phone calls. So much in common and such a right feeling.
I board a plane to go visit her across the atlantic and the first 4 days of my stay are just perfect. We both felt like this was it. She told me she loved me and I was the happiest I have been in years.
The the weekend arrived and we travelled out to the countryside to meet her friends. I was handed a bong and, whilst I don't normally smoke, was in such a great mood that I would probably enjoy it. Took a small hit from the bong and 10 minutes later, full blown psychosis. I was worried that her friends didn't like me, were plotting to murder me to keep me from being with her, that I wasn't good enough for her. I became withdrawn and isolated and had to spend an entire weekend with this group. By Sunday afternoon I could tell she was completely embarrassed by me, I was a total let down and im currently stuck at her place feeling like my soul has been ripped from my body. Everything we had is gone and Im considering flying home and going straight to a psych ward. I need friends around. Never felt so low before. Suicidal thoughts are rushing through my mind. There is a really high bridge near her place and I just want to jump off it. I am fairly experienced with psychedelics, and have been suffering from anxiety ever since the summer of mephedrone two years ago... Dont know what to do guys. Never been so low before.
 
Forgot to mention, I had managed to break a 5 month valium addiction (<10mg day, nothing too serious). Taken >20mg over the last 48 hours, completely let myself down there too.
 
Hey Tyler, welcome to the board. I can definitely understand how you're feeling. Believe me, I've been there before. My social anxiety has put me in some very uncomfortable situations, where I feel like a fool and am convinced that everybody thinks badly of me. And pot can make it 100x worse. Even just one hit has turned out to be a nightmare for me before. Paranoia, anxiety, thoughts that people wanted to kill me, etc. I generally try to avoid pot particularly when I'm in an unfamiliar situation and/or around new people, because I'm so vulnerable to this.

One thing that's hard for people like us with social anxiety to accept, is the reality that these people are probably far more focused on your impression of THEM. Everybody worries at least a little about how they come across in social situations. And when we respond to social anxiety by withdrawing, it makes us feel that much worse about ourselves. It puts a cycle in place and we end up feeling totally self-conscious and ashamed. I think the best thing for you to do is to be up front and explain to her that you've been edgy and aren't quite feeling like yourself. By now she knows the real you, and it sounds like she cares about you. Give her the chance to understand. Meeting your girl's friends is nerve-racking for anyone. Explain to her that that hit of pot just put you in a bad place. It's happened to all of us, trust me. Anxiety has a way of amplifying every little insecurity and uncertainty. It's like being under a microscope.

It's easy to fall into such catastrophic thinking, but you might be surprised how relieving it can be to confide in her. It doesn't have to be a disaster. Please try to lay off the Valium. You can do this.
 
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Thanks for the reply man. Im tapering myself off again, we had planned to go to a small festival together this coming weekend. Im torn between changing my flight and coming home early to avoid another nightmare, or braving it and putting on a good show (sans drugs). Im normally fairly outgoing and sociable without pot thrown in the mix, im just concerned I wont be fully back on ym feet before the event!

Im also considering messaging her best friend who's place we were at, and apologising for being so withdrawn that weekend, letting him know I thought him and his group were a great bunch and she is lucky to have such close friends etc. sensible move?
 
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Tapering off is a good idea. I wouldn't suggest giving up and going home early. I think if you did that, you might end up regretting it and beating yourself up over it for quite a while. You're there to have a good time. You deserve a good time. And yeah, pot can take an outgoing, extroverted person and turn them into a total paranoiac. I'll never smoke pot with people I've just met again. Whenever I do it, I get horrible feelings of paranoia about them and it just turns into bad first impressions all around. The worst thing is that not only do you end up quiet because you're feeling so self-conscious, but you end up feeling even more self-conscious about being quiet. It's the worst.

I really couldn't say whether or not it's a good idea to message her friend. I think the best thing to do is to talk to your girlfriend about it directly. Explain to her that the pot really put you in a bad place and you just weren't yourself. And maybe see if she thinks it's a good idea to message her friend. Or maybe it'll be better for her to explain it to her friends herself after you head home. Who knows. But definitely talk to your girlfriend, then put it all aside, stop worrying so much, and try to enjoy the rest of your time there. The worst thing that could happen is you end up feeling anxious and isolate yourself again, but so what? You're in a completely unfamiliar environment, and you're under a lot of pressure. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be anxious. You owe it to yourself to try to have a good time. Make the best out of the rest of your time there, and don't waste it on worrying what her friends think. A few days of you being quiet and uncomfortable isn't going to suddenly change how she feels about you, and that's what matters most.
 
Thank you SO much for the quick reply. Exactly what I needed to hear. We are so fortunate to have this section available to us.
Have a great day Blahman!
 
i personally wouldn't apologize, I've done things like that before and felt even more weird after apologizing. I think you just have to brush this experience off and move on. I would honestly just tell the girl you get really anxious and paranoid from smoking pot sometimes, it's not unheard of. That explains your actions, doesn't make you look strange and should set everything straight.

I have a problem with feeling like i act strange or weird in social situations but i've learned through therapy to not care and to assess the situation more realistically. They probably didn't think much of it and even if they did, they have probably forgotten about it by now. It is certainly more fresh in your mind than anyone else's.

great post blahman, I can't really add anything better. Just remember these feelings are temporary, i would stick it out and not fly home early, you'll never know what could have happened if you stayed. Talk things out with the girl, worst that can happen is that things stay the same.
 
TylerD said:
Thank you SO much for the quick reply. Exactly what I needed to hear. We are so fortunate to have this section available to us.
Have a great day Blahman!
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No problem. Enjoy the rest of your trip and good luck.
 
Talking things through helped. She told me not to worry, but also said that she is anxious about the festival because having me around at the weekend and me being so antisocial made her feel really awkward. If I pull the same stunt its pretty much a deal breaker. Never felt so much pressure before! She told me she loves me and that she still thinks I am great but I worry that she is only being nice to me now to avoid having me depressed whilst I am here. Funny effect anxiety can have. Normally I am on top of my game and on the ball, sharp and attentive, but when the anxiety hits and my mind is clouded, I become the group idiot, make countless dumb mistakes and jumble my words up.

The only good thing I can take from this is to be able to show compassion and understanding towards others when they make mistakes, instead of instantly branding them as losers. I can see how their own anxiety/fear can cause them to make simple mistakes and create a false impression of their true self.
 
Hey man, hope things are going better today. Keep your head up and try not to be too hard on yourself.
 
Yeah man weed does this to a lot of people. Normally I'm pretty darn outgoing - I see myself as a good looking engineer with money in the bank and a lot going for me mentally. Unfortunately, I am addicted to pot and smoke it multiple times a day and have been doing so for my entire adult life.

At least you arn't addicted man. Think about this happening throughout your life - time after time after time smoking weed fucks up your self esteem around others, but you don't stop. That's me. I just head like a sheep to the pot dealers as soon as I'm out. No matter how many potential relationships I've ruined... but that's the only problem with it (apart from stupid memory while high and painful withdrawal after periods of heavy use, actually I guess the list of problems goes on and on...) - I see the drug somewhat as a religious sacrament that does me well in ways. Then again, I may be a delusional slave to it. I certainly love weed, love it so much even still. It just softens my ego to the degree that girls won't even look at me and I feel like I'm pretty much invisible to them. It's just unfortunate that I can't seem to meet the expectations of my gender role when dealing with the opposite sex, because I'm not aggressive enough.

Anyways now I smoke it on and off, which is working out much better for me. Unpleasantly, however, I have developed some depression because of this, which ironically I smoke pot to self medicate for. My point is this: you can always find another girl dude, there's hope for you in the future. It sounds like these people have no respect for or understanding of paranoid dopers.

Where's this pressure coming from though? Just chill out about it, she can't be that special. Especially if she's making you feel this way instead of comforting you over your bad experience, it sounds like you are dispensable to her. Who the fuck cares man, life is too short to worry about this stuff.

Life has a much deeper meaning than hooking up with selfish girls. Cute girls feel like they are everything to us because our biology has to be that way in order for the species to propagate, but really we're all one consciousness and they don't even exist, nor do we. I have been learning to be happy without females, because I have given up that there is a suitable mate out there for me - and I know it's tough, but try and keep your head up.
 
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TylerD said:
I have suffered from anxiety now for the past 3 years, and it has begun to seriously ruin my life.

A while back I met a girl travelling and thought the world of her. For the last 5 months have built a fairly solid relationship with her during daily skype sessions and phone calls. So much in common and such a right feeling.
I board a plane to go visit her across the atlantic and the first 4 days of my stay are just perfect. We both felt like this was it. She told me she loved me and I was the happiest I have been in years.
The the weekend arrived and we travelled out to the countryside to meet her friends. I was handed a bong and, whilst I don't normally smoke, was in such a great mood that I would probably enjoy it. Took a small hit from the bong and 10 minutes later, full blown psychosis. I was worried that her friends didn't like me, were plotting to murder me to keep me from being with her, that I wasn't good enough for her. I became withdrawn and isolated and had to spend an entire weekend with this group. By Sunday afternoon I could tell she was completely embarrassed by me, I was a total let down and im currently stuck at her place feeling like my soul has been ripped from my body. Everything we had is gone and Im considering flying home and going straight to a psych ward. I need friends around. Never felt so low before. Suicidal thoughts are rushing through my mind. There is a really high bridge near her place and I just want to jump off it. I am fairly experienced with psychedelics, and have been suffering from anxiety ever since the summer of mephedrone two years ago... Dont know what to do guys. Never been so low before.
Click to expand...
Hang in there bro this too will pass. But what you described is exactly why I no longer smoke, it makes me want to hide in a closet when it comes to social situations. Don't do it anymore, just don't. Let this pass it's not the end of the world, get home and get straight.
 
This isn't directly related to the OP's problem but since it has to do with girls, and because I am in pain and have no one to talk to I need to write some stuff down here. Not meaning to hijack your thread or anything just add some commentary to let you know that you arn't alone in experiencing this form of suffering.

So I have a wicked job, I love it so much and I'm doing a hell of a lot for society, constantly learning, but as soon as work ends I fall into a pit of utter despair. I have been seeing a girl pretty much all year, and this girl has done more for me than anyone else outside my family I've ever met. It is incredible what she does for me, and I love everything about her - except for one thing that completely ruins it all.

She's overweight, and as a result I'm not physically attracted to her. Otherwise we're very compatible people. I feel like such a piece of shit, because I know it's going to have to end. I'd leave her for a skinny girl in an instant, that's how fucking shallow I am. Although I suppose most men are that way; it's our nature. But I don't have the heart to break it to her... and she's all I have, all I've ever had, all I can get. I know that the longer this goes on, the more she will be hurt by it. I haven't approached her with this issue because I know it would upset her, and I really, really like her.

I ran out of weed the other day which is why I am depressed. Plus, I just got drunk every day for a whole month, and the residual effects of that will surely linger on as my anxiety and body aches slowly disapparate. Unless I start hitting the bottle again, which in consideration of my abusive history is quite likely.

Whenever I see a cute girl, feelings of anger and sadness surge through my being. It's completely fucked - I'll go buy veggies at the farmers market from someone sexy (sex sells obviously :^( and I'll leaving wishing I could slit my wrists. I can't keep hurting myself like this, but I know I'm going to. I've been doing it for years, always in phases of specific drug obsessions - started with booze, then pot, then shrooms, a motherload of Mdma, cocaine once I knew I couldn't roll anymore without completely destroying myself, on to LSD, and currently RC's.

I don't even know why I'm writing this because there's nothing any of you can do. I'm already meditating, I've been doing the whole eastern mysticism thing for years now. I know that none of this is real, none of this is anything to worry about, but my ego still rules. I know that there is no fundamental difference in the conscious expression of male and female, but our ego-ruled society has fucked it all up and I can only really communicate with half of my fellow Earthlings. So if any of you have any suggestions for me then please pm me. I'm not always depressed like this, by a long shot - I can be friendly and nice.
 
Same thing happend to me about a year ago. I came over to the condo to drop off the rent deposit to my new roomates and we ended up smoking weed, about the first time in 8 months for me. I took one hit and got horrible anxiety, I stopped talking completely and became incredibly socially awkward. I could tell my (soon to be) roomates and their friends were thinking "what the shit? what the hell happend to this guy?"

I had an incredibly negative experience with the 'law' the time I smoked 8 months prior that ended in me flushing 2 ounces down the toilet. That combined with the fact that I get horrible anxiety around new people probably had a good bit with the situation turned into what it was.
 
Don't do drugs! Be yourself, maybe you have founjd a place where you can actually enjoy your own brain without any outside help. Embrace sobriety.
 
Hi, Tyler. I think your idea of saying something to your girlfriend's friend about how the pot made you withdrawn is actually a good idea; not a big drawn out apology that might cause more awkwardness but something lighthearted and casual. I think what you wanted to say to him is quite genuine and I myself would welcome such an honest and heartfelt admission. It's great that you were able to talk to your girlfriend about it already. Staying sober and going to the rave sounds like a good plan. Just remember that you can talk back to yourself internally when you start to over-think things and undermine your own confidence. You sound like a great guy and she probably knows that even more now.:)
 
Hey man. I feel like I share a few things in common with your situation, so I'll give you my advice.

She obviously really likes you; remember that. Pressures off. You have absolutely nothing to prove, nothing to compete for, nothing to earn, etc. She loves you for who you are, so just do your best to relax.

That being said, just forget about it the best you can and live in the moment. I mean, don't even allow yourself to think about the past. Just focus on the now; what she's saying, how she looks, what your doing... that sort of stuff. Don't think about the future either, that's just as bad (or rather, don't worry about things that haven't yet happened). I think you will find that 99% of your anxiety is caused by the past and the future, and if you think about it, that doesn't even make sense. So, don't think, just live.

Finally, be completely honest with this girl. Don't hesitate to tell her about your anxiety, or about your issue with smoking pot. She won't care, and she will really respect and appreciate your honesty.

I'm telling you this because I am a LOT like you. All of high school, I smoked pot and was socially reclusive. There were various girls I liked (and they liked me), but I did hardly anything about it because I sold myself short, and was always anxious about my "social performance". I always felt that I was inadequate. I've come a long way since then, but believe me, social anxiety never becomes non-existent. Basically following what I outlined above (I realize probably the same shit you always hear from people), and after literally forcing myself into social situations for a long period of time, my social skills have improved extensively, and I have become really good at noticing my anxiety, and dismissing it. I highly recommend the book "The Power of Now". The authors kind of (well actually, really) fucking weird, but he makes some similar and good points that really helped me.

I also had to stop smoking pot myself after binging heavily on MDMA, because I would get severe panic attacks (to the point where I literally thought I was dying, and was completely hysterical, scared all my friends really badly). Other then social anxiety, I never had this sort of anxiety problem before abusing MDMA. You abused mephedrone. Interesting, as the two both do nasty things to your serotonin and dopamine. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say we probably fucked ourselves up a bit lol. Oh well, the past is the past. Just try and avoid drugs for the most part and shits not that bad.

If I can conquer my social anxiety, you definitely can man. Do all of BL a favor and slay this dragon. I wish you the best. Make yourself proud!
 
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