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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

if someone keeps hurting you...then they don't care...right? No tl;dr's lol.

The case A/Case B was valid, BUT i think you forgot one point:

the OP has said time and time again she points out to him that its hurting her. Whether or not it was ORIGINALLY intentional at this point is invalid: he simply doesn't give enough of a shit to stop/change.

If he cared enough, hed do WHATEVER it took to remember that it hurts your feelings. He'd write down on a piece of paper "Dont say X to token, it upsets her", hed write it on his arm, hed do SOMETHING to remember because he cared.

Sure maybe it was/is UNINTENTIONAL on his part (he honestly doesn't think its that bad), but EITHER WAY, the result is the same: he hurts you. And what IS INTENTIONAL is his apathy towards the situation. & If it is UNINTENTIONAL, and he really does have that bad a memory, then you once again need to ask yourself the same question: do i want to be with someone with such a bad memory that they cant remember what does/does not upset me? Doubt you deserve that.

And unfortunately you will never be able to fix that. People change for themselves, not for things on the outside.

Dunno if I made that simple enough or not. It is always easier for people on the outside to see the flaws and problems. While someone else said "they may work for some" it doesn't mean those on the outside are unable to point them out.

SO simply put: stay and keep being hurt and suffering (because he really will not change for you, even if he claims to and appears to for a little while, he WILL REVERT), or leave.

Sorry if i like broke it down too far and reduced it too much, but this IMO is what it is. Sure you may have unique points, a unique situation, you may sit there and try and convince me? Dont bother, you wont; you'll only be TRYING to convince yourself. No need to justify or try and convince me, a random on the internet that its healthy/good. YOU KNOW what it is/what you need to do.

I wont sit here and say "well what seems unhealthy to me might be working for you OP", not how i'm gonna play it. Its unhealthy, plain and simple.

Lets call a spade a spade.
 
i have repeatedly explained my concerns...and nothing's changed, in fact it's worse than ever..

i really don't ask for much at all..comparatively speaking between my group of girlfriends..

i'd get voted least bitchy, hands down..
although, apparenlty according to them means there's something wrong with me...

but to me...i don't enjoy getting bitched at, told what to do, or ignored...
and so i choose not to treat other ppl that way. it's not really that much of a choice though..
anyway..off topic:


so...thanks you guys/ladies for all your help...i appreciate the time and advice.. <3

it's just time to give up, i think.

that's gonna hurt ..but wtf else is new?

~token
 
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DooMMooD said:
The case A/Case B was valid, BUT i think you forgot one point:

the OP has said time and time again she points out to him that its hurting her. Whether or not it was ORIGINALLY intentional at this point is invalid: he simply doesn't give enough of a shit to stop/change.

If he cared enough, hed do WHATEVER it took to remember that it hurts your feelings. He'd write down on a piece of paper "Dont say X to token, it upsets her", hed write it on his arm, hed do SOMETHING to remember because he cared.

Sure maybe it was/is UNINTENTIONAL on his part (he honestly doesn't think its that bad), but EITHER WAY, the result is the same: he hurts you. And what IS INTENTIONAL is his apathy towards the situation. & If it is UNINTENTIONAL, and he really does have that bad a memory, then you once again need to ask yourself the same question: do i want to be with someone with such a bad memory that they cant remember what does/does not upset me? Doubt you deserve that.

And unfortunately you will never be able to fix that. People change for themselves, not for things on the outside.

Dunno if I made that simple enough or not. It is always easier for people on the outside to see the flaws and problems. While someone else said "they may work for some" it doesn't mean those on the outside are unable to point them out.

SO simply put: stay and keep being hurt and suffering (because he really will not change for you, even if he claims to and appears to for a little while, he WILL REVERT), or leave.

Sorry if i like broke it down too far and reduced it too much, but this IMO is what it is. Sure you may have unique points, a unique situation, you may sit there and try and convince me? Dont bother, you wont; you'll only be TRYING to convince yourself. No need to justify or try and convince me, a random on the internet that its healthy/good. YOU KNOW what it is/what you need to do.

I wont sit here and say "well what seems unhealthy to me might be working for you OP", not how i'm gonna play it. Its unhealthy, plain and simple.

Lets call a spade a spade.
Click to expand...

sorry for the dbl post..but i didn't see this before i posted my last comment..
DM..i have no arguments for you..
i feel what you're saying..
and know you're right.
ty <3
 
tokenname said:
i have repeatedly explained my concerns...and nothing's changed, in fact it's worse than ever..

i really don't ask for much at all..comparatively speaking between my group of girlfriends..

i'd get voted least bitchy, hands down..
although, apparenlty according to them means there's something wrong with me...

but to me...i don't enjoy getting bitched at, told what to do, or ignored...
and so i choose not to treat other ppl that way. it's not really that much of a choice though..
anyway..off topic:


so...thanks you guys/ladies for all your help...i appreciate the time and advice.. <3

it's just time to give up, i think.

that's gonna hurt ..but wtf else is new?

~token
Click to expand...
Sounds like you and your partner are at different levels of maturity.

You have poured a lot in it seems, and endings seem like they will be hurtful, but nothing weighs upon a person like the futility of flogging a dead horse.

Find someone you can engage with at your level. Someone who can contribute to the relationship rather than just benefiting from it.

Be brave :)
 
morpher001 said:
Sounds like you and your partner are at different levels of maturity.

You have poured a lot in it seems, and endings seem like they will be hurtful, but nothing weighs upon a person like the futility of flogging a dead horse.

Find someone you can engage with at your level. Someone who can contribute to the relationship rather than just benefiting from it.

Be brave :)
Click to expand...

thx morph...trying. <3
 
hate and love are interchangeable if you really hate someone like loathe you care about them because your letting them effect your feelings...
Its kinda sick.. but love and hate go together sooo answer is

Someone can hurt you over and over and still care about you.... users do this all the time hurting the people who love of them over and over... for example
 
If someone honestly doesn't know that they are hurting the feelings of someone, chances are they will keep doing it till they are told what they are doing is hurtful. But, if the person is confronted and still doesn't change then they no longer can say that they didn't know because now they know, you've told them.
That doesn't mean that they don't care. Change is a hard thing to do, us as humans do not always like change.
If they aren't trying to change their behavior, then the person who is being hurt by this hurtful person should start eliminating them from their life.
 
tokenname, sounds like you knew what you needed to do from your first post, you have solidified that feeling and, though you know it is going to be tough, are ready to move on. Don't hesitate to get support for that (the moving on). Ending a relationship with someone you love but cannot be loved by in the way you need to be loved is really difficult. When it is someone else ending the relationship we hurt but we have to deal with it because we don't have a choice--it's completely out of our control. But ending a relationship ourselves is difficult because we rationalize whatever is making us unhappy for so long that it undermines what we really know deep inside. Bottom line is that you are being hurt by someone else's behavior. It has been going on a good while. You want and need more. There is absolutely nothing wrong in setting your own boundaries or identifying your own needs --in fact it is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself. Good luck. It won't be easy to get through but once you are you will feel so much better.
 
A lot of the times, as what's been explained, the person is unintentionally hurting you, even if you tell them why they are hurting you. It's strange because my friend use to hurt me a lot with her neglect and she didn't stop until a couple of confrontations with her about it. I think it was something she did that she really didn't like either, so sometimes talking to her is the best option to go. Actually, in a relationship, any kind, it's ALWAYS best to talk things over before making assumptions.


What herbavore says makes sense though. You have to understand whether or not the relationship is worth it. I came to that crossroads not but a few days ago.
 
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When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help."

~ Thich Naht Hanh
 
Thx tc <3

Thank the rest of you..you all are wonderful. i appreciate it, really.
it's good to have outsider's look in sometimes.
thanks for taking the time.

<3 token
 
I went through a relationship that sounds quite similar, with the sex roles reversed, a few years ago: she was a little older than me, but more importantly, had been through a bad, abusive marriage and a 7-year follow-on relationship with a domineering depressive. She'd been hurt and betrayed and kept virtual prisoner in other men's lives, and by the time we met, she'd gone through the cycle of victim-to-abuser. I'm completely certain she had no idea she was doing it, but she played mindfuck control games, set jealousy traps, took took took and then gave nothing when it mattered most. I stuck around much longer than I should have done - we did have a lot in common, a shared vocation and political interests, and the sex was fantastic - but finally realised that she couldn't stop hurting me, couldn't care enough about the pain she inflicted for the relationship to change, and after months of frantic anxiety I threw in the towel and said 'enough.' I craved her like a drug you've burned out on, can no longer enjoy and receive only ugly side-effects from, but just can't stop taking. I even tried to - and nearly did - win her back, but by that point I was, horrible as it is to admit, out for some kind of revenge.

I've been half-crazy ever since, but the smartest thing I did - out of sheer, sub-conscious desperation - was to send her a long, addled email that seethed with the venom of all my built-up resentment. I'm not proud of this: but I kept trying to cut off contact, needed her out of my life, and couldn't do it...I'd say 'don't contact me again', then within days or weeks we'd be calling back and forth for hours at a time, chatting and mailing much as we had when together, and I fell back, again and again, into obsessing about her. When out of my head on a sickly combination of phenibut and booze, I sub-consciously tricked myself into writing an email I knew would result in her closing the door on me: the only way I could escape (yeah, tricked myself into tricking her, call me schiz-ho). When her 'don't contact me again' mail came through, the next morning, I felt a twinge of remorse: and a great sense of hilarious relief. It took a long, long time to realise that the traumas of her past, some of them possibly imaginary, had left her dissociated and deadly, blind to the damage she did and the fact she didn't care she was doing it. Still think about her every day (it's been almost two years since that final exchange), and I rebounded into a whole other nightmare long before we broke contact, but, however crude, underhanded and perverse the means, I did, at least, get out. I wish I could have done so without hurting her back, but it just wasn't in me. And she had a few home truths coming, though I doubt she could take them on board.

Stupid thing was, not long before we met, after a disasterous one-night stand (you may have picked up by now that I have kamikaze taste in women), one of my closest friends, who doubles as my (Reform) Rabbi, had talked to me about the triangle of victim-rescuer-abuser, how in the end the three roles merge, rotate and perpetuate themselves, somehow blinding you to the emotional cyclone that's eating you alive when you're caught up in it. In the end, I realised I'd lived out some lyrics from a favourite song:

'I bled by these weapons, babe, and now I'm one of them.' - Thea Gilmore.

So get out and stay out, and watch for that cyclone, 'cos it'll sweep you up away and into private circles of hell if you let it. Save yourself, do no harm (or as little as anyone can), and don't go trying to rescue anyone: because the white knight rescues the damsel in distress only because she then belongs to him. To rescue is to own, to own is to abuse...and on, and on, until a lucid or crazed moment comes and you bolt the fuck outta that door.

And yes, I still have feelings for her, obviously, but they're slowly turning from quicksand into memory. I just never thought it would take so damn long.
 
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