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50 shades of grey...

A good point - remember she might be enjoying it because it's just a fantasy and isn't happening in real life so it's "safe". Actually, acting it out may or may not be something she's ready for. Whatever you do don't try to control your wife's erotic imagination, she's got a right to a private erotic life that doesn't always involve you...

But, why?

I think in marriage you SHOULD be able to share your deepest darkest desires without any judgement. I am VERY open minded, and I think the more she'd share, the better things would get. -- I am VERY open with her, if I walk by her hamper and get the urge to smell her panties, I tell her (lol). The more shit that is hidden, and then one day revealed, the further away you get from each other.
 
But, why?

I think in marriage you SHOULD be able to share your deepest darkest desires without any judgement. I am VERY open minded, and I think the more she'd share, the better things would get. -- I am VERY open with her, if I walk by her hamper and get the urge to smell her panties, I tell her (lol). The more shit that is hidden, and then one day revealed, the further away you get from each other.

I disagree. This isn't about hiding shit - you guys already have rough sex, and maybe she's shy but to some extent she's also hinting about her interest in BDSM - or she would be actively hiding this book. This isn't about her not being open.

What this is, is the equivalent of men looking at porn. There are even studies showing that men are more easily aroused by visual images and women by erotic literature. When you look at porn and masturbate, do you always feel you have to report back to your wife with every thought and fantasy that crosses your mind? Do you, in your imagination, replace every actresses's face with your wife's? Isn't it, in fact, that the "otherness" of looking at porn - of thinking about different kinds of sex with different kinds of people who are not your partner but not actually doing it - what helps many men in monogamous relationship find a way to have some private erotic space, which isn't 100% channelled through and controlled by one person until the day they die? There's another thread in SLR about a man whose fiancée wants him to stop looking at porn and masturbating (because she feels threatened, because she can't deal with him having an internal erotic life and imagination which isn't always about her, which in my mind is quite controlling). I'd be interested to know what advice you'd give him...

Edit: re getting further away from each other if you don't share absolutely every sexy thought - again I'd disagree. I believe that the more you allow the other person to be themselves, the less restrictions you place in their way of expressing this, the less you try to control their thoughts and desires - the closer they will feel towards you because they'll know you accept them for who they are. And then you'll create a situation where she might actually be comfortable approaching you and expressing her desires without feeling pressured.
 
In all honesty? I try my god DAMNEST to not look at porn.. When I do, I find myself desensitized to having sex with her, or simply not all that interested. I'd rather save my nut for her, watch porn with her, get off with her.

Maybe I am a bit of an extremist, all or nothing; or what not. But I have definitely been down that road. Came home, watch porn, jerk off..maybe twice. She comes home, I feel distant and disconnected. We had gone 3+ weeks without having sex. We got a long fine, but the connection was lost. -- So essentially, about 2 months ago I cut porn off from myself. -- IF (which is VERY rare), she's not home and I am horned up, I will lay in bed and do my thing, trying to imagine new and fun things with HER. Maybe its shit SHE wouldn't be game for, so that's my 'fantasy', if you will.

I have NEVER..Honestly NEVER jerked off to a celebrity. It's not my style. I am weird, I prefer real women, that I somewhat know their personalities and could have fun imagining different things.. But to get back to my point, and answer your question; if you INSIST on porn, why not do it with you wife/husband? Why must you have private time? -- I could understand if you have some really nasty taboo likes, that you simply could NOT share with you s/o, but otherwise I don't get why you wouldn't venture out with your s/o and see where it takes you.

If the dude's wife isn't ok to watch it together, then that's more of a problem than just telling him to not watch it w/o her. There's probably more problems than just porn in their relationship to be quite honest.

Every couple is different. Very different. You have couples like the ones you mentioned that have the Wife cutting the Husband off from porn, meanwhile their neighbors are hosting a swingers party and watching their spouses get pleasured by others. -- Not everything works for everybody. --BUT, I can tell you that watching porn, and cumming without your s/o does more harm than good, there's no way around that (for me).
 
OK, I am sure most of you have heard about this new phenom of a book. -- My Wife essentially buried her head in this thing for about a week and a half (in fact, read all 3 books). She was SO into it, like nothing I have ever seen before.

I do a little research and find out its about this rich 27 year old, good looking business man that had a rough upbringing, that goes after this intern at his firm. He is into heavy bondage & discipline and gets her to submit in every way. -- I had NO clue the Wife was into this stuff, it wowed me. At first I was totally turned on, but her fantasy for this 'Christian Grey' has gotten the best of me. After further reading, it truly seems the basis of this guys 'charm' and ability to get this women to fully submit is, MONEY. HAH who would have thought, every women in american going goo-goo over a good looking, rich, young man!? -- The more and more I read, the more its VERY apparent its all about the cash.

It also bothered me that the Wife didn't share a single thing about this book. Something that drove her completely wild, yet she withheld everything, never expressing interest in this 'other' side of her...

I told my Wife I would read the book because I always want to be the best lover possible. Make her crave me, want me, and essentially submit to me. However, I am so taken back by the money motive, that I cannot read it anymore.

I feel like I do not have the correct leverage that I need to make her submit, and enjoy the things she obviously fantasizes about. It's frustrating as hell; though this Christian Grey is a fictional character, it bugs the shit out of me that I cannot provide the things he did to his lover.

Can any women chime in that have read the book? What about the this Christian drives you wild? What can a man do to really make his women WANT to submit (in the bedroom, of course) to him? I am very good looking, big, strong, athletic, and have never been insecure about anything in our relationship until she read this stupid ass fictional novel. Its eating me alive, I want to be what she fantasizes about and I am struggling to reach that... I'd love to hear from some ladies on this..


Shades is twilight fan fiction originally written on the twilight fan site where instead of Edward Cullen the vampire she replaced him with a rich dude instead. Twilight was about sex teasing until marriage because Meyers is a Christian and Christians are into that kinda thing. Whereas shades is all about sex real sex orgy after gangbang.

It's utter garbage honestly in my opinion. The writing is terrible no flow or structure and the story uninteresting and as you pointed out all about money and shallow superficial people with money.
 
Shades is twilight fan fiction originally written on the twilight fan site where instead of Edward Cullen the vampire she replaced him with a rich dude instead. Twilight was about sex teasing until marriage because Meyers is a Christian and Christians are into that kinda thing. Whereas shades is all about sex real sex orgy after gangbang.

It's utter garbage honestly in my opinion. The writing is terrible no flow or structure and the story uninteresting and as you pointed out all about money and shallow superficial people with money.


My thinking as well.

The Sister-in-law tried to say that ''Any man/boy that thinks he's a man should read 50 shades, and learn a thing or two from Mr Grey''... Well, I didn't take kindly to this.

Long story short I told her the man was powerful because he had $$$. She insisted it had nothing to do with the money, so I asked ''Why didn't the author make Mr Grey a blue collar 60k/year construction worker then?'' -- Would it take the fun out? Would his inability to BUY a business to keep his dear Ana in his control be out of the question, and too realistic? Would the buying of the cars and clothes be a little out of the question? Fuck yes it would be.

SOME of these women need to understand there are a TON of Mr. Greys in this world that absolutely adore their S/O and would do radical things to please them, while showing them who is in control the whole time. The story is a fairy tale, so for the sis in law to say what she said, completely irked me. -- I DEFINITELY get the sexual side of the book, but these women need to separate that, from Mr Grey.
 
I think the thing about being rich is just like you said: a fairy tale. Most people aren't rich. Or dashingly handsome. Of course it isn't supposed to be realistic at all - just a modern, porn-light fairy tale. You need to chill out about that.

Re porn, respect for the honesty but just remember, what works/doesn't work for you applies to you, not necessarily your wife. Women don't just come and then don't want sex anymore (generally speaking!) masturbating just makes me more turned on as we can't give ourselves the experience of having sex, the more I get to fantasise and play with myself the more I want to fuck my SO. Mind you, I'm in an open relationship and I found that when I was in a monogamous relationships my sex drive disappeared after a couple of years because I felt restricted and oppressed in a way. Having my freedom makes me constantly want my man because I'm happy this way. So maybe porn makes you distant, but having fantasies it doesn't necessarily have the same effect on the wife. Just sayin'...
 
I think the thing about being rich is just like you said: a fairy tale. Most people aren't rich. Or dashingly handsome. Of course it isn't supposed to be realistic at all - just a modern, porn-light fairy tale. You need to chill out about that.

Re porn, respect for the honesty but just remember, what works/doesn't work for you applies to you, not necessarily your wife. Women don't just come and then don't want sex anymore (generally speaking!) masturbating just makes me more turned on as we can't give ourselves the experience of having sex, the more I get to fantasise and play with myself the more I want to fuck my SO. Mind you, I'm in an open relationship and I found that when I was in a monogamous relationships my sex drive disappeared after a couple of years because I felt restricted and oppressed in a way. Having my freedom makes me constantly want my man because I'm happy this way. So maybe porn makes you distant, but having fantasies it doesn't necessarily have the same effect on the wife. Just sayin'...


yea, you and I would never see eye to eye, seeing that you're in a open relationship. -- That's all good, but it's something i'd never go for. I believe there is something special about being with one person, there shouldn't be anything that you SO can't do, that another man could. --- But whatever, that's a whole different topic.

FWIW my Wife doesn't WANT me to masterbate w/o her, and swears she doesn't w/o me. So I assume her and I are the same in that regard....I don't even know how we got to this point lol...confused as shit.
 
Oh, and in regard to 'me chilling out' on the rich guy thing; I think it's more of the fact that most these women that are 'in love' with Christian Grey need to realize the primary reason for that.....Money. They are just blind to that fact, and I know this bc I have discussed the book with MULTIPLE women that would LOVE to find a Mr Grey. After I take a stroll around the park with them, and kindly bring them to the money questions I have, they are stumped. That book (cough fairy tale) would be shit if the guy wasn't filthy rich. That's all I am getting at.
 
There isn't anything my SO can't do, that another man could.

Sometimes it's just about variety, it's the way both of us (and many human beings) are wired.

Many people in monogamous relationships have the variety by engaging in harmless fantasy.

You say you and your wife don't do this, and that's fine.

If you think the book has nothing to do with the (HUGE) amount of women out there who are turned on by the idea of kink, being sexually submissive and BDSM play and who choose to engage with it by reading about an unrealistic story about the type of man they'll never meet or get together with (remember how fairy tales have princesses, kings, queens and princes? Isn't a filthy rich man the modern day equivalent?), and if you think that it's just about the fact that he has money rather than a risk-free way to have the fantasy without taking the risk of actually doing it, you're entitled to your opinion... best of luck to you and your lady and may you enjoy many nights of filthy, kinky fun ;)

Lola x
 
There isn't anything my SO can't do, that another man could.

Sometimes it's just about variety, it's the way both of us (and many human beings) are wired.

Many people in monogamous relationships have the variety by engaging in harmless fantasy.

You say you and your wife don't do this, and that's fine.

If you think the book has nothing to do with the (HUGE) amount of women out there who are turned on by the idea of kink, being sexually submissive and BDSM play and who choose to engage with it by reading about an unrealistic story about the type of man they'll never meet or get together with (remember how fairy tales have princesses, kings, queens and princes? Isn't a filthy rich man the modern day equivalent?), and if you think that it's just about the fact that he has money rather than a risk-free way to have the fantasy without taking the risk of actually doing it, you're entitled to your opinion... best of luck to you and your lady and may you enjoy many nights of filthy, kinky fun ;)

Lola x


No, I understand that women are definitely into the kink part, but there are plenty of other kink/BDSM books that never made head way like this one, yet it's so poorly written. I just think the silent beast behind all of this, is his money. When I talk to women about the book, often times they revert to his love for Ana and 'all the things he did for her'.. Well I (and a lot of other men do things for their wives), like: surprise her with flowers, balloons, massages, etc.. I understand that's not nearly as exciting as a helicopter ride or a mercedes, which is why I understand why they go goo-goo over him. I don't think Mr Grey would be so well sought after if he was a chubby, middle class dom...That's what I am getting at :)
 
Yes but again, stop and think about the cultural context: if a rich man is the West's 21st century equivalent of the dashing prince from fairly tales there's really nothing unusual here, it's a bit like saying why did Cinderella go with the prince and not with an ugly, fat, smelly stable boy...
 
i've never read 50 shades of grey but a lot of BDSM literature involves a wealthy dominant... it is far more exciting to have a dominant focus all their attention on you and abandon real world concerns. it is a lot less sexy to write about cutting a play session short cause the protagonist has go to work.

i also agree with lola that this is a pretty risk free way for women to explore their sexuality. usually there is a lot of stigma attached to BDSM practices. this book has allowed people to say "hey, i think i might like a little light bondage in the bedroom" without being labeled a sexual deviant.
 
it could also be that someone who reads about it and finds it titillating is ashamed or confused by their feelings. so they don't feel comfortable approaching their partner.
 
One last point (I promise!!) about the money thing: in our current society money = power, being submissive = engaging in power exchange with someone who is more powerful than yourself. In actual BDSM play this involves choosing to allow them to be more powerful - but in fantasy it's often men who are already more powerful, and this goes across many types of scenarios: mysterious aristocrats, filthy rich men with helicopters, men who are physically powerful (warrior/martial artist etc.). In fairy tales the prince goes for the poor girl, in office-based scenes the boss fucks the secretary... etc etc etc...
 
I read it last week while travelling. I read women's erotica and this book was no better nor worse than what I am used to.
There were parts that reminded me of our sex life. Except that I have an active role not completely submissive. I like to be directed, lovingly demeaned, spanked and tied up.
 
Anything by Nora Roberts is guaranteed to be good. Right now I'm reading His Every Desire by Emma Rose and it's worth a read as well (though it is a bit...descriptive like fifty shades of grey).
 
It's not so much the man well it sort of is. It's just that Christian is a very honest person with a secretive side. It's truly just his honesty. He lived a hard life yes. He opens up to Anastasia every way possible. He kisses her more than anyone I know, he gives her 120 complete attention and affection. He comes with no baggage. If he did he would probably respect her wishes. He wants to share his life with her and has done numerous things to prove that . Your wife is not turned on by all the sick things he does because anyone can run to the dirty store and get anal beads. She is fascinated by his will and determination and lengths he will go to that makes her feel number one número UNO. It's obvious your wife loves you or she wouldn't have married you so cheer up and always make her feel loved and that important kisses and hugs go along way :-)))
 
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