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if someone keeps hurting you...then they don't care...right? No tl;dr's lol.

tokenname

tokenname

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Mar 1, 2012
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if someone keeps hurting you...then they don't care...right? No tl;dr's plz.

so,this will be first ever thread started! 900 posts..and I've never asked a ? once...

here it is..simple yes or no's are perfectly fine with me. :) I am a simple girl, afterall.

If a person continually hurts your feelings over and over,
and claim to not even know they're doing it...
there's no simple answer beyond..they don't really care right??
i mean logically speaking...
they just don't care...right?

~token :)
 
Last edited:
It's not that simple (then again, I'm a overly-complicated boy...). I think it has to be taken case-by-case:

Case 1) Person A keeps bringing up topics that are very sensitive to Person B. Not intentionally, just that Person B has a lot of mental land mines and Person A keeps accidentally striking them. Each time that B gets upset and A tries to understand why, A says "I didn't know or I would not have..." A genuinely feels bad for this happening, feels bad because he cares about B and does not want to see B hurt.

Case 2) Person A knows a handful of Person B's insecurities and brings them up often in conversation, knowing that it might cause B pain. A says something along the lines of "you need to toughen up already!" Here, I don't think Person A really cares about Person B's feelings, or at least is letting his (passive-)aggressiveness overpower any amount of caring that he does have.

Every situation is different, so you'll need to explain what's really going on that has made you start this topic, if you really want people to give you specific advice/answers.
 
Agree every situation is unique and laughs at you being an overcomplicated boy...
but not in a mean way at all...

however..nothings going to be explained more..so if you're upset about it being overly simple..
then feel free to rid TDS of it...or i will tomorrow.

gn tds..
token
 
I don't think it's as easy as a yes or no answer unfortunately. That would make it easy, right? It really depends on the circumstance and exactly what they're doing that is hurting you. Somethings that come to my with my own experiences on times when I hurt people were when I was very deep into drugs. I think drugs in particular put a barrier and can make people do things that hurt others and make the person who is using act as if they don't care. Not to say this is acceptable or even understandable and you by no means should be subject to being hurt by them just because they have an excuse (they are dealing with an addiction/etc).

I think you need to come to a realization for what you want and what you deserve and decide if you are going to continue to accept being subjected to dealing with these feelings (having your feelings hurt over and over).


tokenname said:
however..nothings going to be explained more..so if you're upset about it being overly simple..
then feel free to rid TDS of it...or i will tomorrow.
Click to expand...

You don't have to feel as if your post was inadequate enough to be posted here. You are seeking basic support. You can be as detailed or as ambiguous as you'd like. It's all up to you :) It's your thread. <3
 
@OP, my best advice to you would be to pack all your official paperwork and documents (birth certificate, passport, social security, medical records) and possessions and get in the car, and don't stop driving until you're at least half-way across the country.

I would support you in doing this, in any way that could help.
 
IME it's often impossible to judge other peoples relationships, what works for some can appear very odd to others and I'm always reluctant to judge so your ambiguity is wise as the details would not add anything.

I'm not sure if I'm simple or complicated but I know I can be a pain in the rear and have, without doubt caused my partner some distress over our 25 year relationship, probably more than she has me but it's not all be one sided.

There will be things that some people will find unacceptable within a relationship and it sounds like that is the case with you, it's not really important what that is, if you have communicated this to your partner and they aren't even prepared to acknowledge it's a problem then there is a gap that needs to be bridged.

If a relationship is really going to work in the long term then I believe that you have to be realistic and honest with each other and yourself, if this behaviour isn't something you can live with or work around, is unacceptable to you and the other person will not even try and change then throwing the towel in is the only option, there is no point flogging a dead horse.

However you may be able to find some compromise or learn to live with it, in the long term there has to be some acceptance of how the other person is, I love my partner for who she is, even the little bits that have bothered me over the years I have come to accept as part of her and love her for those as well.

All of that said if he's shitting, kick him into touch ;)
 
atm23 said:
IME it's often impossible to judge other peoples relationships, what works for some can appear very odd to others and I'm always reluctant to judge so your ambiguity is wise as the details would not add anything.

I'm not sure if I'm simple or complicated but I know I can be a pain in the rear and have, without doubt caused my partner some distress over our 25 year relationship, probably more than she has me but it's not all be one sided.

There will be things that some people will find unacceptable within a relationship and it sounds like that is the case with you, it's not really important what that is, if you have communicated this to your partner and they aren't even prepared to acknowledge it's a problem then there is a gap that needs to be bridged.

If a relationship is really going to work in the long term then I believe that you have to be realistic and honest with each other and yourself, if this behaviour isn't something you can live with or work around, is unacceptable to you and the other person will not even try and change then throwing the towel in is the only option, there is no point flogging a dead horse.

However you may be able to find some compromise or learn to live with it, in the long term there has to be some acceptance of how the other person is, I love my partner for who she is, even the little bits that have bothered me over the years I have come to accept as part of her and love her for those as well.

All of that said if he's shitting, kick him into touch ;)
Click to expand...

atm..ty..
i feel that same way about other ppl's relationships..
i think the circumstances are usually different...
but the feelings tend to be not so unique..
i don't think details make the question any more meaningful..
so i appreciate the support on this...and thanks for the reply.
I don't take it lightly.

thanks. <3 token
 
I didn't mean to be blunt about it, but yes, that's what I mean. I'm speaking from personal experience. I had a girlfriend that I hurt (not physically), over and over, and I enjoyed seeing her hurt, because it made me feel better. People that do such things are very insecure deep down. The reason why I hurt this girlfriend repeatedly, and enjoyed it, was because she looked exactly like my first X. The X that hurt and humiliated me. I always wanted to get revenge and hurt her back, but I never had the chance. I subconsciously dated this girl that looked like her, and I hurt her feelings time and time again, just to feel better, to feel like I was getting revenge for the humiliation the previous girl had put me through. And I really enjoyed it, because I was in the position that my X was in, and I took out all that anger on this other girl. That's just from personal experience. But I can honestly say, with a history of college psychology classes, he doesn't care, and he's hurting you over and over again just to make himself feel better.
 
I've gotten a couple courses in as well....
but finding enjoyment in hurting someone else...
well .. it's just something that is beyond me.
and that i am okay with. thanks for the honesty...
appreciate it...

token.
 
Like others have said I would say it depends, but, I think generally, someone that hurts you over and over doesn't care enough. Even if they don't know what they are doing wrong, or have hurt you unintentionally, I think someone who really places your feelings highly, would try and figure out what's happening, or what they could do to change things. I think someone that hurts you over and over could care for you a lot, but maybe care about themselves more, and the benefit they get from hurting you, or probably more likely, care more about not putting themselves through the effort and discomfort of changing the behaviour or investigating the situation more deeply.

This would depend on the person knowing they are hurting your feelings, which I think your post suggests they do.
 
We hurt the ones we love most.....

Think I heard that somewhere.

What are you asking, really?

That they don't care, like they don't care for you personally/for your feelings? Or they don't care cause they are just a jackass who doesn't know any better?
 
If I feel like someone is hurting me DELIBERATELY, fuk staying around for that. I want someone that cares about my feelings and treats me well. The world is cold enough without a friend/lover dumping on me, too! This goes for everybody.
 
RedLeader said:
It's not that simple (then again, I'm a overly-complicated boy...). I think it has to be taken case-by-case:

Case 1) Person A keeps bringing up topics that are very sensitive to Person B. Not intentionally, just that Person B has a lot of mental land mines and Person A keeps accidentally striking them. Each time that B gets upset and A tries to understand why, A says "I didn't know or I would not have..." A genuinely feels bad for this happening, feels bad because he cares about B and does not want to see B hurt.

Case 2) Person A knows a handful of Person B's insecurities and brings them up often in conversation, knowing that it might cause B pain. A says something along the lines of "you need to toughen up already!" Here, I don't think Person A really cares about Person B's feelings, or at least is letting his (passive-)aggressiveness overpower any amount of caring that he does have.

Every situation is different, so you'll need to explain what's really going on that has made you start this topic, if you really want people to give you specific advice/answers.
Click to expand...


I think this hits the nail on the head. If its, 'INTENTIONAL', then yes, I can say, they probably don't care enough to want to spare your feelings. But a lot of the time, due to individuals emotional and physical needs, differences, there can be hiccups. I'm a very sensitive bloke, so It can be hard for my gf to relate to me sometimes when I get, 'mushy', or mellow-dramatic about something. Sometimes becoming a bit of a cow about it. She finds me annoying sometimes when I'm soppy 8) and you can tell by how she acts. Which for me is like, :( I'm blue and your getting angry with me??????.... but she doesn't do it on purpose, or to hurt me, or because she doesn't care. She just instinctual reacts that way, because that's who she is. She's not used to a guy sharing her feelings with her, or wanting to be so close. That's her barrier.

If your differences are that great, that you genuinely feel your being mis-understood. TALK. How else is the other person going to know who you feel or what there doing wrong in your eyes, if you keep it quite. But if you think your being intentionally mis-treated. WALK. They don't care enough to cater for you and your emotions and in personal opinion, that doesn't cut it in the long run.
 
No one can ever hurt you unless you let them. I'm talking about psycho-emotional stuff. Of course they can hurt you if they physically attack you. With strong boundaries you can diffuse anything else.
 
Asshole guys who don't give a shit about there partner, plenty out there.

Also many demanding women who will claim hurt feelings if their partner doesn't live every moment of his life to suit her.

If he isn't changing, maybe he doesn't care about you, or maybe you have unrealistic expectations.
 
tokenname said:
so,this will be first ever thread started! 900 posts..and I've never asked a ? once...

here it is..simple yes or no's are perfectly fine with me. :) I am a simple girl, afterall.

If a person continually hurts your feelings over and over,
and claim to not even know they're doing it...
there's no simple answer beyond..they don't really care right??
i mean logically speaking...
they just don't care...right?

~token :)
Click to expand...

Token, I personally believe every person on this earth wants positivity. Thus, even if harm is intended, it is not the root nor the true desire. A person must first care enough to desire such harm.

Going from your original post, I'd say it sounds like this person doesn't fully understand your situation. Perhaps he is trying to help, but doesn't yet fully understand how to go about doing so.
 
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