I'm scared not to make anything out of myself

[Pagey]

I think that's the main reason why I got into drugs in the first place...it's not really that I have a fear of failure, it's more a fear of not being the most possible. I don't really know how to explain it. I've been thinking about this for quite some time but especially since my suicide attempt about a couple months ago (though my drug use goes back way before that), it's like now that I'm going to live, I have to find a reason to make it worth it. And I don't just mean living the average life or having a nice family or whatever, it's like I have this NEED to leave behind a trace of my existence through art, to be able to imprint my art onto other people and to be able to touch people through my art the way other people's art has touched me. This is going to sound incredibly cheesy but Led Zeppelin is pretty much what gave me hope in life again because it made me realize that there is still beauty out there and there are still things that can touch me to the bottom of my soul...that can make me FEEL things. It's like, other than when I'm listening to Zep's music or reading Fitzgerald, I'm just an empty shell and nothing can make me feel like myself, but whenever I'm doing one of those things, my whole existence suddenly finds meaning. I don't even feel so alive when I'm playing guitar or writing myself, even though I spend my days doing that.
What I'm afraid of, is not being able to do the same myself. I've been writing for years and years and am almost done with a novel, but I'm so scared to learn that it's not worth anything, that I don't have that talent that others had and that made me feel alive. I feel like art, and more precisely words and guitar, is my only reason to be here on this planet but that I need to be able to mark others with it - if it's just me it's not enough. Like that's my purpose here or something; and I need to have a purpose because if I don't, I should have died when I tried to.
In the past few days I've become more and more upset by this, I haven't been sleeping and I've been in a sort of writing frenzy. I feel like such a failure and though I've just recently kicked my benzo habit after what felt like a horribly long taper (though it was only a couple months, was necessary following a couple cold-turkey seizures), I feel like I'm coming closer and closer to falling back in, or to experimenting with stronger opiates (I've been limiting my opiate use for now) which I know will lead to addiction. Drugs make me feel like I'm worth something, like I'm not just...nothing anymore. This is such a fucking long rant, I'm sorry. I have no idea what to do. Just looking for some kind words or something.

 

[Missykins]

For many of us, and myself certainly, drugs keep us from reaching our potential. I know that you think it's the other way around, but it's not. It sounds like you're using to self-medicate. Don't experiment with opiates. It will get you nowhere. If you recently committed suicide you must have a doctor. Do you see a therapist?

 

[Swimmingdancer]

You can learn to have that feeling without drugs. With drugs it is just temporary and leads to feeling even worse. Also making art is about the process, not the end result. It really doesn't matter what other people think about your writing, just that you do it and you enjoy it. And if you do that, it will touch others. Feeling worthless is extremely common for people who have just quit drugs. Time will definitely help. Work on your mental health and keep doing those things that make you feel hopeful, like listening to music, reading, creating, going for a walk in nature, whatever.

 

[That-Strange-Guy]

I agree, you need motivation that is not drug-driven. I know all though highschool I relied on amphetamine to keep my grades up but it turned into an unhealthy habit and I felt like I could not do anything strenuous on my mind or body without them for the longest time. So when I went to college the first time I refused to take any to avoid that progressive spiral downwards.

Best thing you can do is stay active, go for walks or exercise, go out and socialize and buckle down when you need to. If you are not living up to your expectations mentally kick your own ass and tell yourself to do better next time :D

You only live once, and life is only what you make of it. I for one am just happy to be alive each passing day, anything else is a bonus that lifts my spirits and encourages me to do my best for the sake of everyone around me.

 

[revolve]

Life is beautiful.. think about the complexity of evolution that has taken part over the millions of years that has led us to this point. We are surrounded by amazing things. Does it matter if you make any impact whatsoever? I don't think so. WE are all incredibly insignificant when you put into perspective the amount of living organisms that exist AND the size of the universe that we occupy. Just enjoy it I guess..

 

[Pagey]

Thanks for the answers, they help a lot
The thing is, for me the process of writing really isn't the only important thing - I mean, don't get me wrong, it's THE most important thing, but it's not complete unless what I produce can help people, sort of. By which I mean can give them hope and make them feel parts of themselves they didn't even know existed, like art has done to me; it's not just a part of me, it IS me, because it's just what I do with my life, it's what I'm going to continue doing with my life and I just simply don't really care about the rest, it's really the only thing that makes me feel like life is worth living and stuff. For someone who claims to be in love with words I'm having a lot of trouble explaining my thoughts, haha. I can believe you guys that drugs don't help though, like I know that although in the short-term they tend to boost creativy and shit, in the long-term they'll make it worse. I think it's more a question of - but do I really care if they mess me up because the only thing that matters to me, i.e. touching people through art, is something which I have infinitely little chances of accomplishing. Does that make sense?

And Missykins yes, I do see a therapist and I've tried like 5 different ones this past year but none of them have really helped

 

[FluoTox]

Thanks for the answers, they help a lot
The thing is, for me the process of writing really isn't the only important thing - I mean, don't get me wrong, it's THE most important thing, but it's not complete unless what I produce can help people, sort of. By which I mean can give them hope and make them feel parts of themselves they didn't even know existed, like art has done to me; it's not just a part of me, it IS me, because it's just what I do with my life, it's what I'm going to continue doing with my life and I just simply don't really care about the rest, it's really the only thing that makes me feel like life is worth living and stuff. For someone who claims to be in love with words I'm having a lot of trouble explaining my thoughts, haha. I can believe you guys that drugs don't help though, like I know that although in the short-term they tend to boost creativy and shit, in the long-term they'll make it worse. I think it's more a question of - but do I really care if they mess me up because the only thing that matters to me, i.e. touching people through art, is something which I have infinitely little chances of accomplishing. Does that make sense?

Words are just vessels. It's all about the emotion/feeling you put into them.

 

[Missykins]

Five different therapists in a year? They can only help if you let them.

 

[Pagey]

Five different therapists in a year? They can only help if you let them.

Well I was seeing them each twice a week, this became 4x a week on doctor's orders following my suicide attempt & drug addiction and each and every single one of them made me feel worse so it seemed rather logical to try another one...I have a fair amount of experience with therapists/psychiatrists since I've been seeing them since I was 13 or 14 (I'm 18), I did have a couple great ones but I do know how to tell when they're not gonna be helpful.

 

[Missykins]

Well I was seeing them each twice a week, this became 4x a week on doctor's orders following my suicide attempt & drug addiction and each and every single one of them made me feel worse so it seemed rather logical to try another one...I have a fair amount of experience with therapists/psychiatrists since I've been seeing them since I was 13 or 14 (I'm 18), I did have a couple great ones but I do know how to tell when they're not gonna be helpful.

You tell them how to be helpful. But I think you need to ask yourself the harder question: do you want to receive help?

 

[Pagey]

? I don't tell them how to be helpful, I talk to them about my issues and let them help me however they judge necessary. And yes, I want to receive help, which is sort of why I posted here.

 

[Pale Rider]

? I don't tell them how to be helpful, I talk to them about my issues and let them help me however they judge necessary. And yes, I want to receive help, which is sort of why I posted here.

Hi Pagey, give therapy a chance, chose someone who you like and who makes you feel comfortable and safe and then work with them, therapy is hard and sometimes painful at the beginning but imo it works, i've been in therapy for ages and love it, you stay safe and take care now...

 

[Vaya]

Fear is a double-edged sword with respect to its presence in the human mind.

Fear represents learning. You burn your finger on flame as a child, fear the sensation, and learn to avoid touching flame in the future. Fear can thus be adaptive.

One of our strongest motivators throughout our lives is fear. Fear spurs people into actions they may otherwise have chosen to bypass, were there not consequences involved. Fear can thus be constructive.

But as with any of our emotions, when fear runs amuck and we find ourselves dwelling in too much fear - to the point where it can neither be adaptive, motivating nor constructive, we find ourselves in a situation whereby it is a necessity to address the taproot of our excessive fears. Perhaps, for instance, there is a college exam you need to take. It is in a class that has been particularly difficult for you, and you haven't been doing so well. If you do poorly on this test, you may indeed fail the class. Under normal circumstances, a certain amount of fear and anxiety will be entirely beneficial in motivating you to go the distance in terms of preparing for this test.

If, however, the fear you experience is so great that it immobilizes you, leaving you quite incapable of even beginning to prepare for it, you are certainly in need of some guidance and self-discovery.
The amygdala is a distinct brain region responsible for emotional learning. It encodes what we perceive to be our innate reactions to certain events, and arguably to life in the greater sense, by responding to fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety play integral roles in shaping who we are as emotional creatures. Though not necessarily the most invitingly-named form of therapy, "fear therapy" (or, more commonly, "exposure therapy") has demonstrated remarkable success in re-routing the brain's association between a certain stimuli and whether or not the person's reaction to that stimuli is one of fear, or fear to a lesser degree, or of no fear at all. I wonder whether or not this type of psychological intervention might be of more benefit to you, as the evidence would currently suggest that traditional clinical psychology is not provoking true examination of the origins of your excessive fear.

~ Vaya

 

[Pagey]

^That sounds really interesting, Vaya - I'll check it out, thanks

 

[Missykins]

? I don't tell them how to be helpful, I talk to them about my issues and let them help me however they judge necessary. And yes, I want to receive help, which is sort of why I posted here.

Developing a dialogue with a therapist is a two-way street. If are not finding a therapist helpful, then you should tell them what you need from them, in the same way you would tell anyone else.

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

Why not give others the gift of your knowledge by teaching them how to become artists, writers, or musicians? The best way to immortalize your art is to impart what you have learned onto others. By sharing your knowledge, you can heal and grow as you help nurture others who have a desire to become artists. Every person you inspire, brings your art closer to immortality.

 

[Pale Rider]

Developing a dialogue with a therapist is a two-way street. If are not finding a therapist helpful, then you should tell them what you need from them, in the same way you would tell anyone else.

Bang on, i totally agree Missykins...

 

[indicameds]

Im big on therapist. Is good to get stuff out to other people willing to listen and to take in the positive things they have to offer. You need to find one that you feel comfortable with and allow them to do there job as hard as it is when it is dealing with your life. But theres a story one of my sponsors told me after I switched therapist and sponsors a shit load a few years back.

"there was this guy (well call him jack for now) And jack lived in a state where they had a bag limit on wifes. You could only be married up to 6 times before you were no longer legally allowed to get married. Well jack had reached his bag limit and got seperated from his 6th wife. Leaving him lonely and unable to try again at marriage. So he petitioned the courts after he had been dating this female for awhile and they wanted to take it to the next level. The judge that had his case asked him a why he had 6 prior wifes and not a one worked out? Jack had reasons for all of em, the judge looked at him and said "this is how I see it. You filed for divorce in all 6 of your marriages. There no way that you couldnt of made it work with at least one of em if you had given it a chance. The only thing that I can see as a reason why they didnt work out. Is you, in all 6 marriages you are the only common problem so to speak." This made jack think about everything, and a year or so later he reconciled with his very first wife and once again petitioned the courts and was granted a marriage license by the same judge."

Maybe that story doesnt mean anything to you, but I though it fit the situation when it comes to your therapist. But either way man, I hope you find what it is that makes you tick and allows you to have the life you want. good luck man. keep us posted.