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New guy is too passive

Put him in a position where he's forced to show dominance. For example, go for the rough sex route and have him "fight for/take" the pussy.
 
I like that too, but then again, most of my sex partners enjoy rough sex as much as I do. %)

I love fighting for and taking the pussy. =D Biggest turn on for me.
 
Am a guy,and i think traces of passiveness wil alwalz show in a relationship sparked by a 'lady'.and this's certainly not gud.ma solution wd be talk abt it with him since u like somuch and abt the man u want him tobe-treat u rather.this's soulsearching for both.trustme, even if the relationship doesnt last. u wil learn smethang.this may even happens in marriages as diminished responsibility, respect etc.
 
You're just too different. He would do better with a different type of girl than you. So would you.

I kind of have the opposite problem with my boyfriend. He's not as loving or sensitive as I'd like, however, I put up with him for other reasons. But that's my decision and I don't complain about it. Though he also doesn't enjoy arguing so we're more compatible that way. Most females don't enjoy anger and conflict as mu h as you, they just want to know a guy would win if it came to that.

Doesn't mean you want an asshole, just not a guy who's weaker than you, as that's kind of contradictory to female nature.
 
Ninae said:
Doesn't mean you want an asshole, just not a guy who's weaker than you, as that's kind of contradictory to female nature.
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I never got that bit. It have been told that I'm not 'strong' or that I'm not taking the lead (or the leash?). I can understand the part about not leading, but I don't understand about the strenght.
Does it mean 'making evident that he could give you a good beating?', or 'shouting louder than you in an argument?'. Open conflict is after all the least effective way to get what you want, in my experience. (and a sure way to get nothing from me)
In an argument I usually just shrug and stop listening, once I finished trolling the other person. Damage taken = epsilon; damage dealt = varies, but generally more than epsilon. Does this count as 'being stronger'?.
 
Sorry, but that's kind of like a female asking "Why do males care about beauty?" Because it's in their nature to care about that for reproductive reasons (aswell as nurturing skills). Or how else is he going to be able tp provide/ protect for you and your children, or have valid genes to pass on in this harsh world?

While women don't tend to (instinctually) care as much about love and beauty, but more about masculine attributes like power and intelligence, which would enable him to win a conflict. It also has to do with the basic attraction between the sexes.

I agree with your view about conflicts, but that's more about a higher level undetstanding of how humans work. And you're right it's the least effective way of getting what you want. It just makes it less likely and is mostly just a way of releasing emotions.
 
My question was more like 'what do you mean by "strength"' than "why do you care". You (female sex) could have any reason for caring about 'not being passive', or even for no reason at all (it wouldn't change anything).
But 'being a strong man' and 'being manly' do not imply (in my view) aggressiveness. I do lose my temper quicky, but that does not make me more strong or manly. Or does it? Is the definition that I do not get.

(btw: being 'too passive' is a flaw also for a woman, I would say)
 
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I just meant "strenght" in the general sense. I.e. a combination of power and intelligence that make someone good at self-protection and likely to come out on top in a conflict. Mostly something psychological these days, but physically it also counts.

Anyway, people are different and generalisations like that don't apply to everyone. Some women prefer men who aren't stronger than them as it makes them feel safer and in control. I just tend to find that kind of relationship boring.
 
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cutecute said:
I truly enjoyed the friction in my past relationships and the make-up sex that ensued; nothing like screaming that you hate someone and choking them turning into making out and fucking while still choking them....
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oh just like the kind of girl ill be avoiding for the rest of my life
 
cutecute said:
I just got into things with a guy a week ago.

I hope you're not all going to jump down my throats about "women only want assholes," etc., but he is too overly passive/nice. I made the first move and initiated us talking. I danced with him. I put my face up to his so he'd kiss me. So that was a sign. =/

I'm almost awkwardly direct so I just asked him about it. He said that he never gets mad and that no matter what I did he would just avoid the situation and be really depressed about it, and that he's never yelled at someone or gotten that angry before. Not to say I'm aggressive or insane, but that sounds awful to me and like someone who cannot stand up for themselves. I was going to tell him directly "I'm afraid that you're too passive and that's why I keep asking about fighting," but I could tell that the conversation was making him uncomfortable so I backed off. I truly enjoyed the friction in my past relationships and the make-up sex that ensued; nothing like screaming that you hate someone and choking them turning into making out and fucking while still choking them....

Him being so passive turns me off. I know that I could walk all over him and he'd not do a thing about it. I hate using this word and it reminds me of astrology but I am very...fiery...and intense. I love fighting and being a little mean, and when my partner does it back. I don't hold grudges and I see anger and disagreements as necessary types of communication. I feel like people who never display anger are just bottling up resentment and aren't comfortable with talking about their feelings, but I'm really not trying to generalize, just saying why it concerns me.

What tends to happen to me in relationships is the guy becoming too obsessed with me and being too passive. I then end up dominating him at ever increasing levels, which at first is fun but then leads to me seeing them as a toy/a little bitch. Then I move on and he cries... This is NOT what I want--I'm not that sadistic. I really do want a guy who I won't end up owning.

However, this guy and I are clicking on all other levels so far. He's extremely spontaneous and fun; I've never met anyone quite like that. He's super sweet and really sexy (besides the passivity) and we're really into each other. I'm really into him but seeing traces of this is freaking me out. I don't want to psychoanalyse my way out of a good thing but I feel like it's going to be a huge issue with me. I know we've only known each other for a about a week but this trait is just screaming.

I don't think you should ever try to change someone (not do I think that that is possible), so what are possible solutions to this problem? I would really like to give this a chance and not discard him just because of him being passive. It may be my problem for being too dominate but I don't see that changing either. Help plz gies <3.
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I can understand a strong personality not being satisfied with a passive/low self esteem partner.

However, you mentioned this fellow is spontaneous and fun. Which is basically the exact opposite of passive.

Many people avoid angry disagreements in the first week of a relationship.

A considered, deliberate approach to conflict is not less effective than a response born of rage. A roaring oaf frothing at the mouth is going to have his ass handed to him every time by the martial artist.

As Lysis said, you seem like a real firecracker, which is great. But you also seem very self absorbed and very judgmental. Put all three together and you are living alone in a world of pure fantasy. Be out-there and reactive in the moment if thats who you are, but at least allow some time later for honest reflection on the outside world. Try to see whats there, uncolored by your own feelings and perspectives.
 
morpher001 said:
I can understand a strong personality not being satisfied with a passive/low self esteem partner.

However, you mentioned this fellow is spontaneous and fun. Which is basically the exact opposite of passive.

Many people avoid angry disagreements in the first week of a relationship.

A considered, deliberate approach to conflict is not less effective than a response born of rage. A roaring oaf frothing at the mouth is going to have his ass handed to him every time by the martial artist.

As Lysis said, you seem like a real firecracker, which is great. But you also seem very self absorbed and very judgmental. Put all three together and you are living alone in a world of pure fantasy. Be out-there and reactive in the moment if thats who you are, but at least allow some time later for honest reflection on the outside world. Try to see whats there, uncolored by your own feelings and perspectives.
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That was really insightful and I truly appreciate it. I do need to work on the things you pointed out and be more open when it comes to people. Thank you! ^__^

The issue pretty much resolved itself...I think I was just looking for things not to like because it seemed too perfect. Also, it was during finals week so we were busy and just hanging out at home every night which was making me bored/stir crazy/regular crazy. Now it's summer so we've been going out and having a blast which made me realize that he's fucking awesome.

I'm so glad I didn't write him off because of something stupid.
 
The gene responsible for confrontation is more aggressive in you, as activated by life experiences and your elevated levels of testosterone. Some women naturally need the idea of "confrontation" to cause some sort of friction in a relationship as it causes excitement, rather then continual blandness.


The idea of your thinking he's "bottling it up" may be simply false. It ius a simple fact that some guys find passivity to be okay and wont understand how friction can be naturally engaging for the opposite sex. In short, for him nothing is wrong, and in such, being placid isn't a problem.


There are, however, some spots in life in which some things or arguements are worth having. The case may be that you feel he has no back-bone to back-up a personality, and if you are the one in whom can dominate him into a sort of perspective he isnt willing to fight for, then why bother having a boyfriend if you encompass such a large personality for the relationship?


You're gonna have to find optional ways to find excitement in your relationship that empowers him to express himself in a confident way. Its time for you to have him make alot of the decisions on what he wants to do or how have fun in this relationship. Put him into a role where he can react to being empowered. He needs to perceive how you fit into his life, not him fitting into yours.


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