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New guy is too passive

cutecute

cutecute

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2009
Messages
290
Location
cave
I just got into things with a guy a week ago.

I hope you're not all going to jump down my throats about "women only want assholes," etc., but he is too overly passive/nice. I made the first move and initiated us talking. I danced with him. I put my face up to his so he'd kiss me. So that was a sign. =/

I'm almost awkwardly direct so I just asked him about it. He said that he never gets mad and that no matter what I did he would just avoid the situation and be really depressed about it, and that he's never yelled at someone or gotten that angry before. Not to say I'm aggressive or insane, but that sounds awful to me and like someone who cannot stand up for themselves. I was going to tell him directly "I'm afraid that you're too passive and that's why I keep asking about fighting," but I could tell that the conversation was making him uncomfortable so I backed off. I truly enjoyed the friction in my past relationships and the make-up sex that ensued; nothing like screaming that you hate someone and choking them turning into making out and fucking while still choking them....

Him being so passive turns me off. I know that I could walk all over him and he'd not do a thing about it. I hate using this word and it reminds me of astrology but I am very...fiery...and intense. I love fighting and being a little mean, and when my partner does it back. I don't hold grudges and I see anger and disagreements as necessary types of communication. I feel like people who never display anger are just bottling up resentment and aren't comfortable with talking about their feelings, but I'm really not trying to generalize, just saying why it concerns me.

What tends to happen to me in relationships is the guy becoming too obsessed with me and being too passive. I then end up dominating him at ever increasing levels, which at first is fun but then leads to me seeing them as a toy/a little bitch. Then I move on and he cries... This is NOT what I want--I'm not that sadistic. I really do want a guy who I won't end up owning.

However, this guy and I are clicking on all other levels so far. He's extremely spontaneous and fun; I've never met anyone quite like that. He's super sweet and really sexy (besides the passivity) and we're really into each other. I'm really into him but seeing traces of this is freaking me out. I don't want to psychoanalyse my way out of a good thing but I feel like it's going to be a huge issue with me. I know we've only known each other for a about a week but this trait is just screaming.

I don't think you should ever try to change someone (not do I think that that is possible), so what are possible solutions to this problem? I would really like to give this a chance and not discard him just because of him being passive. It may be my problem for being too dominate but I don't see that changing either. Help plz gies <3.
 
You've KNOWN him for a week and you're already complaining about him. And about something retarded at that. There is a thread below this about abusive relationships. Talk to the OP of that and see if she can hook you up with her ex. They become obsessed with you? Get over yourself. You made this about a guy you just met
 
The reason I am posting this about someone I just met is because the relationship has been extremely intense and moving quickly. We're equally into each other and we plan to travel together this summer for an extended period of time so I wanted to make sure that this wouldn't make me dislike him in the middle of the trip. What's the point of continuing a relationship while ignoring something like that?

Also, I am not into abusive relationships. There is a difference between friction and emotional abuse. I genuinely do have a problem with men becoming disproportionately interested in me and calling me over and over, etc. Call it what you will.

Also, who the fuck are you? You're a lurker with 18 posts. I'm sincerely sorry that all you have to offer is negativity.
 
I just came out of a situation similar to this one. I tried to ignore my guy's passive nature because I wanted things to work for some reason. But eventually I realized that his passive personality was a turn off. He went crazy on me after I ended things with him after only a few weeks. It was really dramatic and annoying.

Anyway, I say follow your gut. A person who is passive isn't as capable of good communication. And that's extremely important in any relationship. You've only been dating this guy for a week. If you're already feeling turned off by this then that's a big sign!
 
kayladelmo said:
I just came out of a situation similar to this one. I tried to ignore my guy's passive nature because I wanted things to work for some reason. But eventually I realized that his passive personality was a turn off. He went crazy on me after I ended things with him after only a few weeks. It was really dramatic and annoying.

Anyway, I say follow your gut. A person who is passive isn't as capable of good communication. And that's extremely important in any relationship. You've only been dating this guy for a week. If you're already feeling turned off by this then that's a big sign!
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Thank you! It sounds like just the same thing...well so far. It may just be wishful thinking but I'm leaning towards just getting to know him better. He may just be acting so passively because we just started dating and he is afraid of offending me. But that is passive haha...

And also glad you're out of your situation without a restraining order ^__^
 
Who am I? I'm somebody with more real world experience than you, and somebody that has enough common sense to see you're just some creepy 21 year old girl that gets attached to people that she JUST met. Sorry, getting attached and complaining about people that you JUST met is fucking weird. So is planning to travel for extended periods of time with them. You met him a week ago. So even if you've spent 4 hours a day hanging out with him (which is probably generous), you've actually been around this guy for a whopping 28 hours lol. But hey its a good thing you've known him for so long and know so much about him. Now you know he isn't bipolar and going to rape you on your vacation.
If a girl I just met started bitching to me about how I act, I'd tell her to fuckin kick rocks.
 
namctx said:
Who am I? I'm somebody with more real world experience than you, and somebody that has enough common sense to see you're just some creepy 21 year old girl that gets attached to people that she JUST met. Sorry, getting attached and complaining about people that you JUST met is fucking weird. So is planning to travel for extended periods of time with them. You met him a week ago. So even if you've spent 4 hours a day hanging out with him (which is probably generous), you've actually been around this guy for a whopping 28 hours lol. But hey its a good thing you've known him for so long and know so much about him. Now you know he isn't bipolar and going to rape you on your vacation.
If a girl I just met started bitching to me about how I act, I'd tell her to fuckin kick rocks.
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Constructing a story in your head and reacting to it rather than what you're actually reading always creates interesting conversation, so thanks.

I was never complaining about him and also expressed my belief that one should never try to change people. I never told him how to act; I just asked about how he does act without responding to it in a way that showed how I feel about it. A better title for this thread may have been: "Is it possible to judge whether a relationship will work early on?"

Yes, I may be attached but it is very mutual, if anything he is more attached. It is kind of crazy but it's not something that I normally do or anything. We hang out more than 4 hours a day and sleep over at each others' place almost every night. Since the night we met we've been pretty much inseparable. So yeah, it is crazy, sure. He's an exchange student and is leaving in late August so we wanted to travel together before he leaves to live on the other side of the world again. We have many mutual friends who've known him all year so he isn't a random.

I should have included more details in my post but I felt like it was getting into tl;dr territory. And also, I didn't know if you knew this, but if you think someone's post on here is stupid/weird/asinine you can always just not reply to it. This isn't the lounge, honey.
 
He's moving away in a few months, right? Odds are that your relationship will not last long afterwards (I dont want to be mean.. that's just the way it is), or at very least that it will change and the point will not be so much how he is when you're around, but how he is when you're NOT around.

Enjoy the relationship, it's only a couple of months more you'll be seeing each other every day. If you really clicked it is a short enough period to be fun and nothing else.
 
Hi cutecute, I know what you are talking about, and I think (at least for me) my problem with being too passive is that the person has passion for nothing. Does this guy have goals or anything? I find people who are too passive don't care about anything really, and that is a turnoff to me. Even if they are passive, a passion for something in life like work or goals or something offsets it. Something, ya know?

Also, it's a matter of wanting a PARTNER in life and not someone who needs a mother or wants to mooch. I know where you are coming from. I need someone stimulating and interesting and who has a passion for something other than being your average joe. It's hard to find a partner in life when you are a firecracker, and you are a firecracker. :) I mean that in a good way. :)
 
What are the chances of you two keeping in touch/staying together once he goes back to wherever he's from (since he's an exchange student)?
He may just be shy at first. I mean, not all guys are all "out there" at first.
You will likely always be the more "dominant" one in a relationship. Which is fine. But I understand your need to have someone more aggressive/assertive. Maybe you've just been attracting the wrong guys? Maybe you need to look elsewhere? But it's good that you are self aware.
If things are going well with him, maybe take it slower, and see how things go.
 
@Josair: You're right, fun for now at least ^__^ (and easy escape route if it's not fun)! I hate long distance tho...

@Lysis: Thank you, I like that label a lot hehe... He actually does have goals. He is studying engineering and computer science (almost done) and is really intelligent and has sort of loose plans for what he wants to do with it. He's not a mooch and he has paid for everything we've done so far and also drives us everywhere. He's just passive with me I guess.

@llama: Yea, he's moving but we'll keep in touch at least somewhat. I don't think it'll work out long term because of the distance even though I'm moving to Spain in about a year n a half, but you never know. This whole thing is pretty insane so idk what the hell to expect. But I do really hate long distance...

And about attracting the wrong guys...maybe? I get hit on plenty but almost always reject the guys who hit on me, and instead make the first move right away with guys that I'm interested in. I can be pretty aggressive lol... Again, not trying to generalize, but I like skinnier guys and I've noticed that they're not as assertive as bigger/more muscled guys, but maybe it's a confidence thing. I dated a huge, seemingly cocky personal trainer dude for this reason but I ended up dominating him just the same...ugh...!

@doppelganga: Yea, I'm 21. And no, there's many ages on BL! Idk the distribution though maybe there's a poll thread on it.
 
Lysis said:
Hi cutecute, I know what you are talking about, and I think (at least for me) my problem with being too passive is that the person has passion for nothing. Does this guy have goals or anything? I find people who are too passive don't care about anything really, and that is a turnoff to me. Even if they are passive, a passion for something in life like work or goals or something offsets it. Something, ya know?

Also, it's a matter of wanting a PARTNER in life and not someone who needs a mother or wants to mooch. I know where you are coming from. I need someone stimulating and interesting and who has a passion for something other than being your average joe. It's hard to find a partner in life when you are a firecracker, and you are a firecracker. :) I mean that in a good way. :)
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What passive people have no passion for anything? Where the fuck are you pulling this from. I'm a very passive person (I can get angry, but I avoid situations rather than engage in retarded bickering and bullshit) but I'm not a push over, I'm not with out goals, I care massively about tons of shit, etc. I don't how being passive has anything to do with those traits you mention.
 
Cloudy said:
What passive people have no passion for anything? Where the fuck are you pulling this from. I'm a very passive person (I can get angry, but I avoid situations rather than engage in retarded bickering and bullshit) but I'm not a push over, I'm not with out goals, I care massively about tons of shit, etc. I don't how being passive has anything to do with those traits you mention.
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I'm not trying to answer for Lysis, but you can be passive with your romantic partner but not in other areas of life, or vice versa. She just extended it to other areas of life and shared her frustrations about someone who was indeed passive about all things. I've known people like that and they do truly not care about anything. And she was just asking about the situation too.
 
Just get to know him better, as you've said. Honestly you sound a little bit like my sister who was the same way in the beginning i think, but now she'd older - 27 - and doesn't want fighting, just someone reliable. So i wouldn't fuck this thing up because he may be someone you really wind up wanting
 
kayladelmo said:
Anyway, I say follow your gut. A person who is passive isn't as capable of good communication. !
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passive means they lack the skills to deal with conflict which is an integral part of social relations,

also passive people can be passive aggressive sulkers that want you to humour them

Edit- now you have given more info i think go for it. by the time you have dominated him thoroughly he'll be leaving the country so you'll get bored of him in time to offset any heartbreak. perfect lol
 
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I think you should move on while you are not too emotionally invested

I can be quite the firecracker too, so I know where you're coming from ;) what will happen, most likely, is that you will stay in this relationship because it's safe and it will head straight to the Doldrums, where you will be so bored with his passivity that you won't even realize that the last time you had sex was a week ago

hopefully I'm not coming across as too harsh? just one little point of view. good luck
 
axl blaze said:
I think you should move on while you are not too emotionally invested

I can be quite the firecracker too, so I know where you're coming from ;) what will happen, most likely, is that you will stay in this relationship because it's safe and it will head straight to the Doldrums, where you will be so bored with his passivity that you won't even realize that the last time you had sex was a week ago

hopefully I'm not coming across as too harsh? just one little point of view. good luck
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Thanks axl, love to meet a fellow firecracker ^___^. N that was not not too harsh at all... I'm hoping he'll turn around but if not he's gonna bounce so soon that's it's not a huge issue if he doesn't...it takes me a very, very long time to become really emotionally attached to a person, friend or otherwise.

No sex yet though I'm teasing him...but he's dying hahaha ; )
 
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