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"Two Shots"

J

Jennyfur_Karma_Kin

Bluelighter
Joined
May 8, 2011
Messages
174
After years of fearful ambivalence
One day the hope just died
No more tears
No more lies
Nothing except for a relieved silence
My heart started beating again
Two shots to my left ventricle
Jump-started my life
From a long term coma

I finally got you out of my heart
I'm not beating my fist to my chest anymore
Wondering how the fuck I was going to move on
Headaches and heartaches
Dissipated
Gone
No more gravel in the knees
Or poison setting in

Now I'm finally empowered
Not devoured
No longer whiling away those lonely hours

I have your words tattooed upon my back
I've branded myself with the remembrance
Of something that I just can't relate to anymore
Your sweet words weren't enough to salve your conscience
In my eyes
Accusing me of things I never did
When it was you that was ball-deep in misdemeanour
I caught your fever
Let me burn
Let my heart die

I fell down and you just left me there
Cruel words and thoughts your sword and spear
Finding every chink in my armour

I swore I'd never ever love anyone again
Now I feel peace
It's like this strange release
No longer screaming at your ghost in my head
Wondering what it was I did wrong
Torturing myself reading damning words written years ago
To someone who has evolved and grown
Changed
You'll never get to me again
I dare you
Try it
My heart
No longer in flames

So as the sun sets
I will walk through the rain
I stand tall
Keep my chin raised
With my eyes wide open
Clear from pain

Yes I'm alone
Yes I'm alone

But I'm no longer ashamed
No longer in pain

I'll always be one step ahead
You're two steps behind
My love for you is dead
Blindfolded
Back to the wall
Two shots...

Straight to the head

BANG

Gone...
 
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i normally avoid poetry like the plague, except if it's stuff like coleridge or eliot.... however, i like the cadence you used, you made your point well. overall you definitely have talent, it is a bit melodramatic at times, but not to the extent that it ruins an otherwise perfectly decent poem.
well done.
keep writing.


also i can really relate to what you're expressing
 
< thank you for reading. I feel the melodrama is right for the piece, given the kind of relationship that it was... but I do understand that to someone who doesn't know the situation it might look over the top!

Your encouragement is valued and appreciated :)
 
Thanks for reading, Bill! Funny you should say that, the three pieces I've posted lately are a different style from my previous work and I'm currently trying to find a producer to work with in order to make some tracks with what I've written!
 
Yeah I think these read more like lyrics to be sung/spoken. Sort of like Patti Smith on 'Horses'.

I thought the poem was good. I was pleased it ended on a hopeful note.
 
Great piece. I've found the best rule to writing is that there is no rule. The second rule is no negativity allowed when writing what you really feel, especially when it's an emotional boil needing to be lanced, incised, drained, packed, dressed, and well on its way to healing after a course of rest and antibiotics so to speak, "melodramatic" or not, :). For what it's worth, anyone that thinks this is melodramatic, whatever you do, do NOT read TJ's past drama. Writing, like music, or acting is great therapy and probably a big part of WHY we creative types do it. Peace.
 
TJ5 said:
Great piece. I've found the best rule to writing is that there is no rule. The second rule is no negativity allowed when writing what you really feel, especially when it's an emotional boil needing to be lanced, incised, drained, packed, dressed, and well on its way to healing after a course of rest and antibiotics so to speak, "melodramatic" or not, :). For what it's worth, anyone that thinks this is melodramatic, whatever you do, do NOT read TJ's past drama. Writing, like music, or acting is great therapy and probably a big part of WHY we creative types do it. Peace.
Click to expand...

couldn't agree more, shit like this needs to be encouraged, a friend of mine once told me if he hadn't become a musician he'd either ended up on drugs or in the army. art, or more aptly, artistic expression can help a lot and has helped me more than five years of psychotherapy.
 
It's good, especially the stanza "Now I'm finally empowered
Not devoured
No longer whiling away those lonely hours"

That's really nice. But I do think you're trying to hard; too many ideas and feelings. I get that you want to tell a story, but I think you could tighten it up a lot.

Take; "Torturing myself reading damning words written years ago" could be "Tortured by damming words written years ago."

In places like that the language slows down and feels forced. None of it should feel forced. Let it roll out of you with little thought.

"Wondering how the fuck was I going to move on." just another example of where you need to tighten te language, when you can use one word instead of three, go for it.

"Wondering how the fuck to move on, works just as well. Or "Wondering, its time to move the fuck on." anything really, it just needs to be tightened.

One other thing I notice is your Tenses are getting mixed up. This may be on purpose, but try really hard to stick to one tense. The present I always prefer.

Good luck, I think you're talented. Keep up the good work. I enjoyed it.

(me: Master's of Creative Writing, Editing and publishing. So I'm not just speaking completely out my arse. But it's just an opinion in the end.)

Cheers
 
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