fiance wants me to stop looking at porn and masturbating

[mrflowers00]

a lot of women feel that way but i've had a few gfs that watched porn with me and even fucked while watching

 

[Pagey]

When my ex and I first got together I didn't care that he watched porn regularly but after 6 or 7 months (when we got closer and I started to really be in love with him and stuff) it really did bug me and I also felt like I wasn't enough for him or something, so I get where your fiancée's coming from...I never told my ex to stop cuz I knew it'd probably just piss him off and he wouldn't anyway and would just tell me he wasn't when actually he still was, but it did hurt a bit. I dunno why, I know it's stupid and stuff, but it did bother me. Luckily for me he ended up choosing to stop himself when our relationship became serious... The thing I don't get is, if you can have sex with her anytime, why do you even watch porn?
I hope it gets better anyway

 

[HighonLife]

that doesn't make a whole lot of sense because relationships are rarely that symmetrical.

alasdair

what doesnt make sense? im not sure what your saying here.

Why are you only having sex 1 x a day now? If it's your fault that your not having sex more often, then maybe her insecurities are being fueled.

i dunno i mean we've been together for over a year and a half, im not less attracted to her or anything but at first it was just sex all the time, i think time has a way of doing that to people imo, she is still just as sexy and beautiful as ever, also i am working more now and tired lots of the time, not to mention for the last 5 months she hasnt had a job and even though i say it is ok and want her to focus on school and what not when i come home and she hasnt moved from the couch all day it was frustrating me, she has gotten a job though this last week and i am happy for that, and even though we are both tired now the sex has increased a little, im not sure that has any direct connection but its just how things have been

When my ex and I first got together I didn't care that he watched porn regularly but after 6 or 7 months (when we got closer and I started to really be in love with him and stuff) it really did bug me and I also felt like I wasn't enough for him or something, so I get where your fiancée's coming from...I never told my ex to stop cuz I knew it'd probably just piss him off and he wouldn't anyway and would just tell me he wasn't when actually he still was, but it did hurt a bit. I dunno why, I know it's stupid and stuff, but it did bother me. Luckily for me he ended up choosing to stop himself when our relationship became serious... The thing I don't get is, if you can have sex with her anytime, why do you even watch porn?
I hope it gets better anyway

this is pretty much how it went, at first porn was no big deal, but now were engaged and have been serious for awhile and she sees it as a problem now.

initially i was lying to her about it and clearing history cuz i didnt think i should have to stop and figured id keep the peace by not letting her know. but i didnt do a good job of deleting the history cuz she found out and now i have been lying to her about it, and i feel really guilty about lying to her.

and as far as why would i wanna look at porn and jack it when we could have sex anytime and i dont have a clear cut answer to that but i still enjoy it, porn excites me, its a fantasy and im not gonna lie i can please myself pretty good, i mean my hand isnt as good as her but it is different and i enjoy the hell outta it, me and ol' righty have been together since i was 11 or 12 years old thats over a decade ive been crankin em out, i like it, its a habit

but i think she has more of a problem with the porn but i may be mistaken but yea i know it comes from self esteem issues but she truly is beautiful she is just her own biggest critic and she thinks when i look at pron it is because im not into her, which isnt true but its hard to convince her otherwise







i think what i am goin to do is, do what she asks and not do it, for awhile, like a good while 1-2months and then sit her down and say look babe, you know i would do anything for you, but your being unreasonable, i did this to prove that i would do what you want if it was within reason but this isnt ok, you need to let me do my own thing, I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL but i enjoy looking at pron, all the while i will make a good effort to provide her with more attention and sexual advances

i dunno what says you SLR?

 

[Pagey]

I think that sounds smart if she feels the same way I used to she might be upset over the fact that you get turned on by other women. When I told my ex about this he told me that watching porn didn't mean he wanted to have sex with other women or whatever, but seeing the act was exciting, it wasn't because he wanted to have sex with those women and stuff...that made me feel better, I dunno if you might wanna tell your fiancée that. Definitely emphasize how beautiful you find her and how she's everything you want sex-wise blablabla. Maybe telling her you wouldn't mind if she watched porn could help, too.

 

[sconnie420]

Maybe suggest she get some playgirl mag's..or something with some hot guys for her when she has to take care of herself..hell idk,just a suggestion..

 

[alasdairm]

what doesnt make sense? im not sure what your saying here.

it's common, in threads like these, to see responses which say, essentially, "try doing it to her and see how she likes it" in response to a relationship issue.

my point is that, not only is that an incredibly childish response, it's completely irrelevant because, just because one partner likes/dislikes something, doesn't mean the other partner likes/dislikes it in the same way, precipitating the desired response... that's what i mean about symmetry (or lack of it) in a relationship.

i think what i am goin to do is, do what she asks and not do it, for awhile, like a good while 1-2months and then sit her down and say look babe, you know i would do anything for you, but your being unreasonable, i did this to prove that i would do what you want if it was within reason but this isnt ok, you need to let me do my own thing, I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL but i enjoy looking at pron, all the while i will make a good effort to provide her with more attention and sexual advances

i dunno what says you SLR?

good plan (except the bit about not masturbating for a while). why not just have the talk now?

alasdair

 

[shimazu]

theres one of these threads like every other day it seems

girls being insecure? stop the presses

 

[HighonLife]

hanks for yalls input

 

[lola]

why not just have the talk now?

I think he's trying to prove to her that he can stop looking at porn if she needs him to, as a way of demonstrating it's not a compulsion or addiction and it doesn't impact on their sex lives, it's just something he likes to do but can take it or leave it.

I think it can either have the desired effect of showing to her it's no big deal and shouldn't be a big deal for her either... or the OP could be setting a dangerous precedence whereby he does what she wants and she may or may not want him to keep proving to her that he'll do what she asks. Up to the OP but something to think long and hard about IMO.

 

[muvolution]

I agree she is a bit insecure, but I don't think it is "natural" to jerk off more than a few times a month to a few times a week. That said, why not work on tempering your desires and picking out which one's are stronger and letting the weaker urges fall by the wayside. If only because when you do bust, it will be way better.

If that is just wholly impossible, ask her to fuck everytime you would masturbate and I think she would quickly understand why you take care of yourself sometimes.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

I think the issue is really about control. You could be having sex x 10 times a day, the OP is still entitled to his own private erotic space and internal sexual life. It is unhealthy and unrealistic that every part of the sexual side of your being is channelled through her.

You should put your foot down and, like others have said, explain to her that it's nothing to do with her - you enjoyed porn before you even met her, it's part of your "me" time (women get this) and it's a deeply personal space. Nothing to feel insecure about. Tell her you don't compare her or the sexual acts you enjoy together to the girls in the films, it's just fantasy and is important to a healthy mind to be able to have your own fantasies. You've never tried to hide it from her and she knows what you're into. It might be a deeper insecurity which is essentially about the frequency of the sex going down and she's looking for reasons. It is normal for that to happen after a while but you might need to reassure her that you're not choosing porn over fucking her, the two are actually rather different things.

Give her lots of attention and reassurance, but don't cave in to her irrational demands.

Or as Dan Savage says:
"All men look at porn--men with hot girlfriends, men with dumpy girlfriends, men with 10 girlfriends, men with no girlfriends. The handful of men who claim they don't look at porn are liars or castrates. Tearful discussions about your insecurities or your feminist principles will not stop a man from looking at porn. That's why the best advice for straight women is this: GET OVER IT. If you don't want to be with someone who looks at porn--if you can't handle it, AG--get a woman, get a dog, or get a blind guy. I'm sorry if you think that's insensitive--no, wait: I'm not sorry. I sincerely believe that "Get over it" is the best possible advice for women bothered by porn. While men shouldn't rub their female partners' noses in the fact that they look at porn--that's just inconsiderate--telling women that the porn "problem" can be resolved though good communication, couples counseling, or a chat with your pastor is neither helpful nor realistic."

His other solution is to arrive at a situation where the man lies and says he isn't looking at porn and the woman pretends to believe him. Because her request is unreasonable - and yes, I'm a woman

^this

 

[64tf]

Sounds bad too me. You might want to have several talks about this and other issues of control. You might be in for some surprises in the coming years.

 

[HighonLife]

Well, i figured id update yall

i have since not looked at porn or masterbated

and i was doing this to show her i loved her and would do anything for her

however it had some unintended consequences, i kept telling myself that my masturbation had nothing to do with affecting our sex life but in a way it did i guess

since not looking at porn or masterbating our sex life has become much better and new and exciting, also i seem to have more of an interest in innitiating sex, not that i didnt before but i guess im going about it differently

i also had a question, of all those who replied and still follow this thread, how many of you are single and how many of you are in a long term serious relationship?

thanks again for all yalls help

 

[namctx]

yea hey while you're at it, why don't you just stop talking to your female friends too. Why have female friends? Isn't she enough? 8)

 

[RobotRipping]

i'd try to avoid looking at other girls as well, you don't want your gf to get the wrong idea.

 

[ugly]

High on Life,

Please get this issue ironed out now. Regardless of the outcome, you will be SO glad a few short decades from now that you did whatever work or counseling necessary to resolve the conflict.

I've been married 33 years. I've been watching porn for about 43 years. I started babysitting for a family that had porn. (We had none. I didn't know what sort of equipment men had until I saw porn.)

I enjoyed it then and I enjoy it now. I just never really mentioned it to my husband. When we were dating it was too embarrassing to talk about. (I don't know why.) I found after we were married that my husband is 100% antiporn and antimasterbation.

I wasn't going to do battle over it with him because I felt it I still deserved to have my private thoughts. I didn't agree with him that once we were married, I surrendered all responsibility for my sexual needs over to him. I lied and said I agreed with him, and 33 years later, I still like porn and he still thinks it's the most disgusting thing ever. He also thinks masturbation is degrading. He doesn't do it because his junk has been out of order for some time but he did not do it even before.

He won't ever change his mind about porn being dirty, masturbation being degrading and at nearly 65 he has given up sexual life altogether.

I think if we had made some open communication about it early in our relationship, we would not be on opposite sides of the world about this issue.

I did not know, back in my late teens, how to talk about such things. He simply announced his opinions, and I sort of ambiguously agreed. I was 18. He was 30. Our first several years of marriage he was bad about acting like I was one of his kids.

Masturbation and porn have helped me adjust to the fact that my husband and I will never be able to have sex, ever again.
At least I can still have a self induced orgasm when needed but I have to take every precaution to be quiet about it and secretive about it. I do not want to make my husband feel worse than he already feels about the situation. Obviously he is enormously affected by this.

I wish we had been able to address the issue years ago. Of course, years ago, he was a solid stud fuck and we had no way of knowing that one day, his genitalia wouldn't work and that I would be left holding my own sexual necessities alone.

Orgasms are good, great stress relief, etc. I miss being hugged. His back and knees make him impossible to spoon with, like we used to back in the day.

 

[Condumbpope]

Sometimes I catch my wife watching porn, sometimes she catches me watching porn.

My cat always seems to be there when I'm batin'.

 

[LuGoJ]

High on Life,

Please get this issue ironed out now. Regardless of the outcome, you will be SO glad a few short decades from now that you did whatever work or counseling necessary to resolve the conflict.

I've been married 33 years. I've been watching porn for about 43 years. I started babysitting for a family that had porn. (We had none. I didn't know what sort of equipment men had until I saw porn.)

I enjoyed it then and I enjoy it now. I just never really mentioned it to my husband. When we were dating it was too embarrassing to talk about. (I don't know why.) I found after we were married that my husband is 100% antiporn and antimasterbation.

I wasn't going to do battle over it with him because I felt it I still deserved to have my private thoughts. I didn't agree with him that once we were married, I surrendered all responsibility for my sexual needs over to him. I lied and said I agreed with him, and 33 years later, I still like porn and he still thinks it's the most disgusting thing ever. He also thinks masturbation is degrading. He doesn't do it because his junk has been out of order for some time but he did not do it even before.

He won't ever change his mind about porn being dirty, masturbation being degrading and at nearly 65 he has given up sexual life altogether.

I think if we had made some open communication about it early in our relationship, we would not be on opposite sides of the world about this issue.

I did not know, back in my late teens, how to talk about such things. He simply announced his opinions, and I sort of ambiguously agreed. I was 18. He was 30. Our first several years of marriage he was bad about acting like I was one of his kids.

Masturbation and porn have helped me adjust to the fact that my husband and I will never be able to have sex, ever again.
At least I can still have a self induced orgasm when needed but I have to take every precaution to be quiet about it and secretive about it. I do not want to make my husband feel worse than he already feels about the situation. Obviously he is enormously affected by this.

I wish we had been able to address the issue years ago. Of course, years ago, he was a solid stud fuck and we had no way of knowing that one day, his genitalia wouldn't work and that I would be left holding my own sexual necessities alone.

Orgasms are good, great stress relief, etc. I miss being hugged. His back and knees make him impossible to spoon with, like we used to back in the day.

Quoted for truth.

Listen to her OP.


Thanks for your post, I am always going to remember it every time I want to speak up about something in our relationship but decide it’s not worth the effort.

 

[Atropa]

has she also given up porn? seens a bit hypocritical if she has not.

it's totally understandable though. i believe that pornography is harmful in a lot of ways tbh. if you really want to quit and are finding it difficult, check out yourbrainonporn.com and yourbrainrebalanced.com

 

[Larson0]

Sometimes I catch my wife watching porn, sometimes she catches me watching porn.

My cat always seems to be there when I'm batin'.

thats so weird isn't it? they just watch you and sometimes feel the need to walk over.

i've had a cat jump in my lap once.

my girl has a problem with it but knows im gonna do it. she is insecure and doesn't want me jerkin it to other girls