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fiance wants me to stop looking at porn and masturbating

HighonLife

HighonLife

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May 3, 2009
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My home is in my Head
Well first off lemme start off by saying i have been in a very happy relationship the last years and a half, this girl gave me the motivation to quit heroin and helped me do it, bailed me outta jail a couple times, once even a cash bond. I love her more then anything in the world.

when we first got together i thought it was kinda kool/hot that her porn collection (DVDs) was way bigger then mine, i mostly look at internet porn but i had just never been with a girl who had 20+ videos and was as into or more into pron then me.

im not sure why i mention this because her affinity for porn is not what attracted me to her or anything like that but i just feel it might have some relevance. for the first 6 monhs or more she didnt care how much porn i looked at or how often i masturbated, even if i did masturbae we still had sex 2-3x a day in the beginning.

now we only have sex about 1x a day, and i dont masturbate everyday anymore

but basically she tells me that when i look at porn and masturbate or even just one or the other, she feels as though she is unwanted and not enough for me. this is hardly the case as she is all i want and satisfies me completely. i have told her that looking at porn and masturbating doesnt mean im not in to her, i have jerked it and then jumped her bones but she still feels this way

i am willing to stop looking at porn and jerking off but its easier said then done, for awhile i was just doing it when she wasnt around and deleting the history but she caught me a few times and is even more hurt and upset that i lied about it

Ladies is this something that most of yall feel? like do yall mostly see where she is coming from and feel similar?

What should i do aside from the obvious dont do it, i mean i am not gonna do it anymore cuz i dont wanna hurt her and i refuse to lie to her about i any longer, so i am just gonna stop but i would like peoples feed back and hopefully someone out thier might have a similar experience were quitting all together just wasnt that easy.

Any feedback or advice is appreciated
thanks
 
I guess I could see where she's coming from (no pun intended ;) seeing as u have sex daily and still masturbate it probably does make her feel like she doesn't satisfy you and/or your losing intrest in her (even if its not the case) that's just how girls brains work lol xP. Best of luck none the less.
 
she sounds insecure, rather than you quitting she should deal with why she doesn't feel like she is enough. It's unreasonable to ask someone to stop fulfilling a basic need.
 
argentina420 said:
I guess I could see where she's coming from (no pun intended ;) seeing as u have sex daily and still masturbate it probably does make her feel like she doesn't satisfy you and/or your losing intrest in her (even if its not the case) that's just how girls brains work lol xP. Best of luck none the less.
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but thats the thing i am jus hypersexual i think

RR: but i think it is calous (Sp?) of me to just tell her to deal with something that hurts her
 
it only hurts her because she (mistakenly) believes that your watching porn and masturbating is somehow about her. it's not about her and robotripping is right - this is her insecurity.

it would be callous if you just kept on and told her to "deal with it". you (plural) need to deal with it.

alasdair
 
She's insecure. Does she still watch porn? How can she ask you to stop doing something and she can still do it? As a woman, I wouldn't care if my man watched porn, because when it's all said and done, he's fucking ME. Besides, I'll still be watching porn myself!
 
She's insecure, and needs to be reminded that your porn watching has nothing to do with her. If she's comparing herself to porn stars then she is not separating fantasy from reality. Also, you should remind her that the real thing is always better than porn :P

I wouldn't stop on her account. That's not fair to you.
 
Tude said:
She's insecure. Does she still watch porn? How can she ask you to stop doing something and she can still do it? As a woman, I wouldn't care if my man watched porn, because when it's all said and done, he's fucking ME. Besides, I'll still be watching porn myself!
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no the first time she asked me to stop i asked her to and she did

i was kinda hoping she wouldnt so i could use that as leverage and say, you didn stop why should i but she did
 
She probably needs some counseling, seeing as she's insecure. Or maybe she's projecting her problems onto you? As in, she's the one who is unsatisfied? Y'all need to talk.
 
I was just trying 2 explain where she could be coming from. Try talking 2 her about it. Explain that its nothing personal against her. And be nice about it. I wouldn't just say suck it up. You'll get a lot better results by talking it out and explaining its not her. She probably won't be super open 2 it at first but eventually she'll (hopefully) come around and be understanding if she truely respects u and cares she'll eventually understand and respect your "needs"
 
HighonLife said:
no the first time she asked me to stop i asked her to and she did

i was kinda hoping she wouldnt so i could use that as leverage and say, you didn stop why should i but she did
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that doesn't make a whole lot of sense because relationships are rarely that symmetrical.

alasdair
 
I still have yet to understand why people want their partners to stop watching porn! I'm pretty sure MOST people watch porn. I would never ask my bf to stop looking at porn. I enjoy porn too. We still have regular sex and everything though. We are still completely into each other. We just enjoy porn. I also make sure he has sexy pics of ME so that he can use those if he wants! It is still fine if he looks at other pics and stuff though.

Have you talked to her about it? Like ask her why the sudden change?

She seems to be all of a sudden insecure. Have you started giving her less attention lately? Maybe try surprising her with something sweet. Just something "extra" that you wouldn't normally do. That may help thing.s
 
That's weird. I would never restrict a guy from watching porn and jerking off. Why is she trying to change you..?
 
Why would you want to look at masturbation? I think she's right.
 
Anyone who requests their SO to stop masturbating needs help. That is a ridiculous request. I can understand having concerns if a SO is watching porn excessively as that can be an issue in a relationship (there have been threads in SLR on this topic, and it is known issue).

If any SO said I couldnt jerk off, I'd tell her I'm going to continue to jerk off and this isn't a compromising situation. If there is a problem with that, they a free to leave. If a SO left over that when there is still a healthy sexual relationship (as in still participating in sex like usual. her stopping to want to have sex because I like to masturbate making the sexual relations go bad is her fault, not the fault of the masturbation)
 
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I think the issue is really about control. You could be having sex x 10 times a day, the OP is still entitled to his own private erotic space and internal sexual life. It is unhealthy and unrealistic that every part of the sexual side of your being is channelled through her.

You should put your foot down and, like others have said, explain to her that it's nothing to do with her - you enjoyed porn before you even met her, it's part of your "me" time (women get this) and it's a deeply personal space. Nothing to feel insecure about. Tell her you don't compare her or the sexual acts you enjoy together to the girls in the films, it's just fantasy and is important to a healthy mind to be able to have your own fantasies. You've never tried to hide it from her and she knows what you're into. It might be a deeper insecurity which is essentially about the frequency of the sex going down and she's looking for reasons. It is normal for that to happen after a while but you might need to reassure her that you're not choosing porn over fucking her, the two are actually rather different things.

Give her lots of attention and reassurance, but don't cave in to her irrational demands.

Or as Dan Savage says:
"All men look at porn--men with hot girlfriends, men with dumpy girlfriends, men with 10 girlfriends, men with no girlfriends. The handful of men who claim they don't look at porn are liars or castrates. Tearful discussions about your insecurities or your feminist principles will not stop a man from looking at porn. That's why the best advice for straight women is this: GET OVER IT. If you don't want to be with someone who looks at porn--if you can't handle it, AG--get a woman, get a dog, or get a blind guy. I'm sorry if you think that's insensitive--no, wait: I'm not sorry. I sincerely believe that "Get over it" is the best possible advice for women bothered by porn. While men shouldn't rub their female partners' noses in the fact that they look at porn--that's just inconsiderate--telling women that the porn "problem" can be resolved though good communication, couples counseling, or a chat with your pastor is neither helpful nor realistic."

His other solution is to arrive at a situation where the man lies and says he isn't looking at porn and the woman pretends to believe him. Because her request is unreasonable - and yes, I'm a woman :)
 
Rangrz would like to remind OPs GF that observing photons emitted due to a electronic state transition between some X and ground state in a phosphor that has been excited from an electron beam is not exactly the same thing as going out and banging a bunch of random strangers. In fact, it is not different in principal than any other pattern emitted from that screen, or more broadly, anything else that is florescent. In closing, get the fuck over your self.

...she is over "emotionalizing" it, so I will over naturalize it.
 
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