The EADD Mental Health Support Thread

[charlie clean]

Interesting question, Shambles..if you can manage a genuine smile - and you can tell when a smile is for real from the eyes - can you truly be clinically depressed?

Like the old slogan says, we're all normal and we want our freedom.

 

[Allein]

You can seem to be different people in different situations, I've been acutely clinically depressed to the point of having to be admitted into a secure unit, only a few weeks before that I was at work and pretty much everyone thought I was fine. I could be a different person in that environment even though I was falling apart inside, I'd have to stop the car on the way into work sometimes and just sit there crying, then get myself together and go into work and know one would know there was a problem.

In fact I'd be cracking jokes and be seemingly OK, but in the end I had a catastrophic break down, general medical opinion was that I could not have got into that state overnight, its a slow slide down that hole, For me I've always been that way. I'd feel myself (my own description) falling further and further down a well, but most often I'd hit the bottom and still be able to see the light and start the hard climb back up.

That time I just kept falling I never seemed to hit the bottom and I could no longer see any light at the top to guide me out, this had happened only once before about 10 years previous but I hadn't sought medical help and for complex reasons I did recover (or maybe I never did really I don't honestly know it was complicated).

When your in that dark place it's a whole different experience, happiness isn't even something you can grasp the concept of, I could see a way out all options had gone there was only one option left, it seems so logical at the time not really scary at all I just felt it was the only thing I could do, the only path left to take and you have to keep going somehow and that just felt like the only remaining option, very cold and matter of fact TBH. Even then inside a mental health unit I and most others with depression, one guy still with stitches in his arm from a very deep wound chatted and laughed pretty much like normal people, then I'd go off to my room and end up lying on the floor curled up and crying and crying sometimes for hours.

So yes we can all put on a brave face but it means nothing, even my partner, who knew I was unwell didn't know how bad it really was, my closest family had no idea and thought I was absolutely fine, they all though I was "happy"

I don't really seek happiness anymore, I think I know what it is and I think I experience it sometimes, but I'm more focused on some inner peace, some kind of contentment with myself and the rest of the ...whatever it all is around me, happiness is just a word and in most cases its a word people use about other people not one that people use about themselves. Don't ever think that just because someone seems fine that they are.

I haven't posted this for sympathy, that just triggers self loathing for me anyhow, but I'm just trying to give a little perspective on the danger of the glib use of the word happiness.

 

[Sprout]

Depression and unhappiness are as closely linked as a small spark and a Chernobyl explosion. There is a massive chasm between the two - though often unhappiness leads to depression. For me personally, the first signs of the transition are anhedonia and the 'hollow' feeling that escapes any lexis I am capable of producing. I've been 'unhappy' thousands of times, though I've been 'depressed' only twice, as above the unhappiness is fleeting (a day or two), whereas the depression is months, if not years in length.

 

[Allein]

^^^
So much better put and so fewer words than I can manage in my ramblings.

I think the lack of enjoyment in things you seemingly used to enjoy is one of the most painful things to deal with, ADs unfortunately tend to make this worse not better but in my case better that than dead, the rest is a work in progress.

I find it beyond hard, I find it impossible to relate how I feel to how others do, maybe everyone feels that way...fek its such a paradox. I genuinely don;t think I really know what happy means anymore or even if I ever did, its not like you (there I go again maybe its just me) can recall emotions.

I still experience sadness I know this from recent issues in my family were my grandmother dying and I cried for the first time in a long time but I am much better than I have been for sometime so in in strange way it was a positive experience.

 

[knock]

I find it beyond hard, I find it impossible to relate how I feel to how others do, maybe everyone feels that way...fek its such a paradox. I genuinely don;t think I really know what happy means anymore or even if I ever did, its not like you (there I go again maybe its just me) can recall emotions.

You, well I, can certainly recall emotions. Negative emotions triggering memories of previous negative emotions is one route to depression, according to this book I'm reading.

Happiness - I think I spent much of my teenage years looking for this elusive happiness and then at some point I gave up looking. I think it's probably better defined as an absence of negative emotions, like black is an absence of colour.

We probably need to be speaking a common language if we're going to make sense to each other! But I'm fucked if I've got a lexicon of emotions.

 

[Shambles]

Interesting question, Shambles..if you can manage a genuine smile - and you can tell when a smile is for real from the eyes - can you truly be clinically depressed?

Like the old slogan says, we're all normal and we want our freedom.

Hmmm...

Tis an interesting question that, Charlie Boy. A less than interesting, less than well thought-out reply to it may be...

Most people my path ever crosses wouldn't be overly interested in whether a smile is genuine or not as long as I'm polite and well-mannered with it. I wouldn't be that interested in faking it if anyone that mattered to me was receiving it. Or, more accurately, my knack for faking deserts me somewhat. Am still pretty fuckin' good at faking it, mind... and even better at deflecting "awkward" questions and the like.

If you are thinking of depression at the more extreme end of the scale, well, I'm quite happy () down there too. But I tend to avoid company to an even greater extent than usual. My fake smile may be impressive, my 1000-yard stare is probably creepier though so rarely gets a public outing.

On the "normal" thang, it's just a term used for simplicity. It's hard not to pathologise yourself when such has been your official label forever and a day. Sometimes. Othertimes I give nary a fuck and smile from the eyes

 

[scrooloose]

Yep,given up looking for happiness,just seeking contentment.

Regarding crying,i used to wake in the afternoon and become tearful,sometimes full blown crying.

Now i can never cry,not even at funerals where everyone,or most people are understandably sobbing their dear little hearts out. I just stand there stoney faced and feel a bit guilty to be honest. Maybe i need to cry,but i just can't.

 

[monstanoodle]

I just feel like I should say this to everyone who are having a right shit time at the moment:

1-2 weeks ago I was an utter, massive fucking mess.
As you may know, I cut again which I haven't done in years, my Ethanol ingestion was increasing and.... Honestly? I was considering making everyone's life easier by ending mine.
It was a very dark patch. But therein lies the reason for me posting this.

Even though I had a really harsh night last night, now I'm on the up!
I'm making music again, I've got a gig and I'm going to a be sharing a house and sharing my life with someone who I love and who loves me and will be out of this toxic situation here at "home".
It's going to be an absolutely massive change in my life. And while I'm scared (change is always scary) I'm also utterly elated!

It's going to be a new chapter in my life and my love's. A fresh and positive one.

So! The moral of the story is!

When you think there's little point in trying to exist anymore, there's always going to be something around the proverbial corner that will make you enjoy life again!!!
Honestly - It's a fucking weird feeling as I've not experienced it in... urg I dunno... *Thinks*
Probably about 5 years.

"Good things are worth waiting for" stylee innit

I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, hope that you find yourself enjoying life more than hating it.
There are many wonderful and beautiful people on here.... And I just want the best for you all.

Anyhoo - [/ramble]

Much love yoonz all ~~

 

[scrooloose]

Good to see you in high spirits Monsta. Long may it continue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Allein]

@Monsta...The sun, it shine on the righteous brother....eventually. One Love . Made my day to read your post :D

 

[brimz]

Good to hear all that positive stuff Monsta pal.

"Good things are worth waiting for" stylee innit

indeed Breadbin

 

[Allein]

irie innit:D

 

[monstanoodle]

Good to see you in high spirits Monsta. Long may it continue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Monsta...The sun, it shine on the righteous brother....eventually. One Love . Made my day to read your post :D

Good to hear all that positive stuff Monsta pal.



indeed Breadbin

Thankyou very, very much to you all, and I really hope any positivity I express can create your own positivity
Honestly - You lot 'ere, you are practicaly very good mates even though I've not met (most of) you.
So I just want the very best for everyone here

Yea, words are useless, so just have a fuckin ace time! :D Much love

irie innit:D

Irie indeed! :D

 

[trammies]

the 'hollow' feeling

This I would have to say is what almost entirely defines the feeling of "depression".
The horrible gaping hole, deep inside your body, mind and soul, that leaves you chalk faced, apathetic and empty, without thought or want for anything.

I find you can take the example of a harsh MDMA comedown, which leaves the user feeling not too dissimilar from those suffering depression. I think it's this "hollow" feeling which shocks people who have never really felt anything such as this before, that leads them to truly feel there will be no end, as they almost don't quite understand it, never mind know that it may end soon which leads to them having such a bad comedown.

EDIT: Just read over that, it barely makes any sense so-
if ya get me feeeellllll?

 

[mydrugbuddy]

, never mind know that it may end soon which leads to them having such a bad comedown.

It does all make sense and is brilliantly put, apart from this last bit, which doesnt. ^^^

On the subject of depression, I've got a medication review with my GP tomorrow for the anti-depressants I'm already on. I'm debating whether to ask them to at least temporarily increase the dose as my moods have been swinging pretty badly over these last few months, and the lows are getting worse and more frequent. Pretty sure this is due to excessive & continuous daily use of drugs and that it has fucked up my brain chemistry a bit. Some of my drug use is self medicating, some is just indulgence, wanting to get high.

I'm going to try to come off poppy pods soon even though my moods are/can be bad even when im on them, (ie they are not helping much anymore) so i expect things to get even worse when i quit them and go through PAWS. My thinking is that increasing the serotonin in my brain may help during this PAWS period should, in theory, help.

I'm not sure whether to tell the doctor the truth about all of this or not. Thing is, i never get to see the same doctor so have no idea what this ones going to be like. I've seen so many different ones and the variations between them are huge. One of them plainly couldnt care less and didnt even try to hide it, some of them just read out a questionaire and its obvious which answers you have to give if you want to stay on your meds. I think i may well get less 'sympathy' in terms of them upping the meds if they know ive bought this on myself in a way. I really dont know. Anyone have any experience/opinions/suggestions ?

Thanks.

 

[Allein]

Hi mdb, how come you never see the same doctor? you should be able to do that if you ask specifically for an appointment with that one. I think it's essential you have continuity in the doctor you are seeing and that there is some trust and understanding between you. I don't know hat the circumstances are but I would always tell others to keep looking until you find a decent GP, you don;t need to provide any reasons for asking to see a particular doctor or for moving to a different surgery.

I think it is important to be honest about your drug use when you are receiving treatment for mental health, as it's a contributory factor as you have recognised yourself and it seems only right that you doctor should have the full picture. But I understand your reluctance if you have no regular doctor and are effectively meeting a stranger everytime you go.

You don't say what meds you are on but of they are straight ADs rather than something like Benzos that you are using then telling them about your drug use should not make you look like a drug seeker. That said I'd leave it to the doctor to suggest the best course of action, it may be a dose increase is required or they may suggest and change or additional medication. I'm not suggesting you just have to accept everything they say, it should be a 2 way conversation and you should express any concerns you have, if your not happy taking something then say so, IME this is where your honesty should give you some credibility.

There can be downsides to admitting to such things, they will be more cautious about prescribing anything habit forming like benzos, but then who gets a long term benzo script these days ( yeah I know you got one Brimz) and I'm sure you can get those if you want anyhow. People will have had there bad experiences with this approach, as I have but the vast majority of the time it has far more positives than negatives, even recently when I had an accident and went into to hospital via an ambulance and had to have an op, I spilled my benzo use straight away as I thought they might need to know for the general and as I was staying in. I still needed to take them and really couldn't face trying to hide tablets and take them in my condition.

My partner brought in all my medication and the staff nurse was fully aware of the situation with my Diaz and was fine with it, even reminding me to take them specifically. I think a bit of honesty with doctors can be a breath of fresh air at times, I;d only tell them in situations where the information is relevant and in this situation it is.

Good Luck

 

[mydrugbuddy]

^^^^

Thankyou. Great in depth answer. %)

I think I'll test the waters first, and then if the signs are good, I'll go with the whole truth, and nothing but the truth option.

 

[joe90]

Self punishment is a curse........trying to change and thaw out emotions is very challenging for me... gotta,want to, need to change my mind frame and it is happening but its weird...little one on the way got to straighten up and not repeat history....I think I can do it I am just so used to being "bad"...............

 

[Marmalade]

Maybe things might make a little more sense, or be easier once little one has arrived?

Supposed to give people a new perspective and whatnot. Mailmonkey seems to manage that balance real well with a wee one and such

 

[Allein]

Hey Joe, try not to sweat it mate I have 2 kids and really wanted their childhood to be better than mine, we all would want better for our children.

But you can only be who you are, IME the most important thing for kids is your time and your love, give them those and you'll be fine they don't have all the baggage we carry around, you are their father and as such perfect in every way.

Good luck, it's hard work but truly a beautiful thing