I dont know what to do.

[kaossalami]

Hey TDS, been going through a rough spot in my life for the past 2-3 weeks or so id say. I need some advice. I have no one to turn to.

My girlfriend and I of a year now have been hitting the rocks, hard. Last month or so id say she's been completely distant, i thought everything was going okay for the last week or so though, we were able to talk to each other, communicate, and understand what each other wanted. I THOUGHT things were going to work out. Everytime we usually fight she belittles me and the shit she says is very demeaning. Like comparing me to how successful her parents are, her friends are, and her grandparents. I usually can never get a word in on how I feel, because everytime i do, she just counters what i say with some comment like "stop trying to play the victim, dont be all high and mighty." Honestly, i'm tired of it, but I love her too damn much.

About three weeks ago we talked about breaking up. We never actually did. That night i did mushrooms impulsively, but with good intentions. The reasons i did them? no not for your stupid ass hippidy dippidy trip, but for a spiritual searching experience, to really dig deep inside myself and confront my deepest fears. I learned a lot about myself that night, i was able to let go of so many things that have gotten the best of me in the past. I certainly wont be doing them for a very long time. Scary, but eye opening experience. Yesterday I was going to confront her and tell her about my experience, hoping she would understand. Before I could tell her though, she snooped through my facebook messages and saw one of my messages to buddy of mine who gave me them. She FLIPPED shit.

Basically she said I'm a drug addict (Havent abused adderall for over a year.), i'm an alcoholic (I dont drink recreationally, sure ill have a beer every once in a while) and that i'm a compulsive liar. I've had trouble over exaggerating things, had problems lying when i was younger. Psych says that there have been associations between adhd, bipolar, and lieing. I'm medically diagnosed with both. I have NEVER lied to her. I care too much about her to do that. Sure, she has a right to be upset that I did some shrooms, completley understandable. I personally think she was a bit off her rocker considering how mad she got. Absolutely furious. She called my psychatrist and told her i was using drugs again, which i'm not. I went to see my psych yesterday, i already told her about the shrooms last week. Yeah my psych thought it was a stupid idea to do them, but she honestly saw no long-term harm, as long as i dont fuck up. I took a drug test too just to prove to my girlfriend that i'm not using. She also told her parents that i'm a shitty boyfriend and that i'm using drugs. She goes on facebook saying im immture, irresponsible, and that shes not my "fucking" mother. I'm kind of sick of being manipulated honestly. Some days are completely fine, but other days are just a complete trainwreck.

This morning she called me and we had a "nice" little talk. Basically all that was said on my part was that i understand she's upset, that i'm sorry i hurt her, and that i'm respecting her feelings. According to her this is belittling, demeaning, and manipulative. She told me to "suck it up, be pissed off, or fuckin yell at me, but if you choose one of the last two, its over." So i sucked it up, told her okay. Then she says i'm not even allowed to have any word in the conversation nor voice my opinion. The decision seems pretty clear on my part, dump her ass? Well, its not that easy, we've been through quite a lot, she IS my best friend, and i do love her more than i can explain, but it hurts being torn apart by her.

Any thoughts? Thanks
ps- sorry about the length, had to get this shit off my chest.

~kg

 

[Missykins]

I think that you two have been fundamentally dishonest with one another for a very long time, which, for you, manifests itself as drugging, and for her, it manifests itself as reading your facebook page and calling your doctor. Both do not bode well for a long-term, healthy relationship.

I don't think that being pissed off (whatever that means to her) or yelling at her will get you anywhere, but she must know how she violated your right to privacy through her actions (which were a little hysteric) AND you must acknowledge her hurt and anger over lying to her about drugs. There are sins of omission, which is essentially what you committed by doing mushrooms, even if happened only once and you meant to tell her. I don't think that you had any intent at all to tell her, you just got caught. I got a kick out of your saying "I have NEVER (sic) lied to her..." when you did in fact you did lie to her about the mushrooms by not telling her.

You also have different ideas about drugs and alcohol, which is likely to be a breaking point for you. If you like to drink and use shrooms and she does not, I don't see the relationship working when she feels that adamant about it. Are you going to feel resentful each time you get the third degree or she makes you take a drug test each time you go out without her? And is she going to want to live with the constant insecurity that you might lie to her again?

 

[kaossalami]

Alright.

Now i feel like a terrible person.

~kg

 

[Missykins]

Alright.

Now i feel like a terrible person.

~kg

You are not a terrible person, and she's not a bitch (although a lot of guys would have dumped her for calling their doctor. If a boyfriend ever did that to me, that would be it). This is what happens when there is a lack of trust in a relationship: you didn't tell her ahead of time about the mushrooms (because you feared how she would act when she found out), and she invaded your privacy by reading your f'book messages and calling your doctor rather than speaking about it with you first (because she didn't trust you not to do drugs).

 

[Libby]

You are not terrible!!
Trust is a difficult thing.

 

[kaossalami]

I try to always put my heart in the right place.. I guess i'm not seeing it from her point of view.

I'm going to see my psychatrist tomorrow, attending a group session too. Scheduled appts for 8 weeks.

and now we just broke up.

 

[motherofearth]

IMO, there are major transgressions regarding trust on both ends. To be basic, as long as you desire to keep a relationship w/ this person, you have to establish some way to exchange feelings. Neither person can shut out the others feelings or view, no matter the past mistake. Obviously, you can't make her listen to you, and if she is totally unwilling to do so, for me, that means it's break time - or break-up time. If there's no open communication (a definite two-way st.) then how can there be progress, rhetorically, I ask. Conversely, if communication occurs, I always find it best to stick to "I" statements, doing my best to not attack or condemn the person.

I feel for you, and anyone who's trapped w/ someone they love, yet w/ whom they can't progress.

 

[tocooperate]

op

very similar situation except I left my chat window open on a 80inch projector screen.. on valentines day lol.. yea,. that happened

truthfully, I still keep a lot from my gf.. but also from family and everyone. its a double edged sword especially with adderall because of the obsessive tendencies towards passions, and for me success. I used to hate myself for it because of the guilt but these days I've come to accept that relationships don't have to mean the end of who YOU are

some people need their distance, and when the other person doesn't understand why or isn't willing to TRY then perhaps its the seperation anxiety that is killing both of you.

 

[Missykins]

I think your question is less about drugs and more about relationships--you may get more replies in SLR if you ask a mod to move it there for you.

 

[kaossalami]

I was willing to try, but she wasnt. Pretty sure this is the end of the relationship. We will see how things go.

And i do think this topic fits TDS well imo. I'm a recovering addict, having family issues, being called out on it, and needed some opinions if someone else was in the same boat as me.

 

[Ds]

wow, i dont even.. ive been on my own since 17, just been to rehab to hospital to rehab to halfway house so many fucking times that all my family gave up all hope in me, shit was hard to deal with at first. but have you thought about just getting away from them? tough love them the way it seems like they are to you, i have a friend that goes to alanon and mom mom goes to that shit (AA,NA meetings for our family members), and he told me that my mom started crying n shit when it came to her to share, and not but a few days earlier i got a fb msg saying that we (meaning my stepddad and her) and not helping me out any more, like paying for my car insurance,phonebill etc. so the whole time i thought my mom was angry with me, but really shes just worried sick that im going to end up like the others in my family dead from OD's.
To me it sounds like ur family loves ya much, but because of the shit u put em thru they dont know how to react, shit tell them to go to Alanon meetings, because we cant controll our addiction, just our illness, in which we have to find a way to stay away from all drugs.