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How to deal with gf ex performance

Svieri

Svieri

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Joined
Jul 28, 2011
Messages
19
Yeah, well, this is kind of a difficult thing to talk.

Months ago I read this thread http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/583133-How-to-train-myself-to-last-longer-more-consistently..? and thought it was a good talk. No need for that at the time but it never hurts to do a little more. Everything was great with the gf I had at that time.

Anyway, I'm now with this girl, been out for a while, and things are getting really serious. Totally ok with that. But is because of the seriousness of the relationship (translate that into marriage) is that I'm worried.

My performance in sex has been decreasing over the last years because of excessive work, study, and a large etc that has caused a bad nutrition and a serious lack of sleep, and even though I do sleep now and eat better, my body still resents. No, I don't really do exercise because of time. A little jog every other day. The problem is, one day talking with her about past things, she mentioned her big ex performance. The guy had a fairly sized dick (bout 8") and they used to have sex for 5 hrs non stop 3 times a week for 2 years (and the guy came from work before the 5 hrs sex). Yes, non stop. I'm 24 and her ex at the time was 19. Well, even though I don't react bad to that, I do feel insecure. Not even when I was younger have I lasted that long. Top was 2.5 hrs. Now, I last around 10 min-15min. 30min on good days. She does cum and so. And yes, my dick is shorter than his, like 6". I hadn't had a problem with my sex life until I talked to her about that.

Good thing is that she does not ask anything out of me. She does not expect me to do that, and even if I last one minute she loves me and will stay with me. Looking at it from the rational point of view, there is no problem. But I do feel really insecure and that I have to keep up to that level. So, even though i don't have to, I would like to. The reason I came here is for advice about what to do. How to improve myself. I know I most probably won't be able to do the same, but I do feel like I should improve a lot.

Thanks in advance. :(
 
What you're describing with her ex is not something that most girls care about. I used to be like her ex, when I was younger (now I'm older and a shadow of my former self, as far as the stamina part goes). I've been in touch with a number of my exes over the years, including (before I got married) having sex with them again. The ones who wanted me again are the ones who I matched up in bed with as far as personality and attitude, not size and stamina. Even my hottest-of-the-hot ex, who has had sex with all sorts of men and women, wanted me again because she remembered me as a good lover, and not for how long it lasted or whether my dick was bigger or smaller. She is gorgeous and has sex oozing out every pore of her body, and I never heard her mention needing a big dick or stamina. She didn't care about them. It's the mental turn on that's important. That determined the girls I clicked with in bed. The others have little memory of me.

Also, a dick can be too big. It's more a fit between the guy and the girl than bigger-is-better. But overall it's not important unless it's too big or too small, which doesn't sound like an issue for you.

If she loves you and wants to marry you, that means she's totally into you. You can bank on that. Plus, you are already making her come. What you should do now is relax and have fun, and let yourselves get into the sex. The best definition of good sex I read right here on SLR, from a 19 year old girl, no less: "Good sex is getting into each other's turn-ons." You have a golden opportunity and green light to do just that. She won't be thinking of her ex, I assure you. He is history.
 
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I know she is not. But I know some part of her wants that kind of action again, but with me, even if she will not ask or mention it. I know she doesn't have an issue. I'm the problem. It's me that feels the comparison and the feel of pride to give her that.
 
Well hell, man, you can play that game forever and in a hundred permutations. [some personal info edited, that said in effect: my wife has dated guys before me with attributes I don't have, but what would be the point of thinking about that? She chose me and I chose her.]

If you could wrap your own problems up in a bag and hang them from a tree, and everyone in the world did the same, and you had a choice of which bag to chose and take home to live with, which would you pick? You would pick your own bag again, right? So why beat yourself up trying to choose attributes from others to wish you had, when you wouldn't want to be them if you could? It's normal to have some envy for things others have, but it's pointless to obsess over them.

Instead, make yourself better. How about working out until you have a good body? That will be nice to have in bed with your gf. It's worth the time and effort, and it's something you can achieve.

Or whatever you want to work on to make yourself better. But it starts with you, and with accepting yourself. She thinks you're pretty great. Maybe you can start thinking you're pretty great, too?

If it's stamina you want, I'll leave that to others. I don't think that way. I can't make myself into someone I'm not. For kicks you can pop a Viagra, and that will do the trick for that night. It won't be the natural you. And it won't make your hornier or enjoy the sex more. But it may give you the ability to go for a long time.
 
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If you could wrap your own problems up in a bag and hang them from a tree, and everyone in the world did the same, and you had a choice of which bag to chose and take home to live with, which would you pick? You would pick your own bag again, right?
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You hit the nail on the head fine sir. I do however understand and see the OP's position(no pun intended); as I have had an ex that was with 2-3 guys between us being together, broken up and back together, and it has left me with some feelings of insecurity. Size and stamina, should not be your worry though, and as, my sometimes GF, says 'Going all night leaves me sore the next day, and as long as I finish, I'm satisfied.' so it sounds like your doing the right things, and if shes willing and waiting to marry you, shes into you, hardcore. Good luck with everything and you should feel a little more competent and satisfactory.

Also I am a firm believer of people viewing you the way you view yourself. So, if you look at yourself as incompetent, she will too. I was/am, a very average guy that used to have an OVER-inflated ego. After life's trials and tribulations, and a 9+ year relationship, I have found my ego is well planted, and seem to think I can see the difference in how women look at me as a result. I think the combination of the way I see myself and the way I carry myself are to blame. But I do know that I am working on having a healthy amount of self confidence and will continue to persevere to obtain that goal.

And Johnny's advice of 'working out till you have 'the bod' is 100% truth. You will in turn feel better and have a healthier view of yourself and carry yourself in such a manner. ... and Viagra is the ish!:D
 
Perception is definitely important for you. You're psyching yourself out it seems. You can be who you want to be. You can't increase your penis size, but that doesn't really matter. Neither does your stamina. It's way more about quality than it is quantity in general. It's important to be able to last more than a couple minutes during sex at least most of the time, but it doesn't seem as if you're having problems with pre-ejaculation or anything like that. If she's interested in having a long term relationship with you then what's the problem? Is it an underlying fear of commitment being mistranslated? If you want a long term relationship with this woman, then have one. I don't see any real issues other than lack of self confidence which doesn't even seem to put your girlfriend off. You're probably hiding it from her, but you should think more positively in general.

I find it kind of weird that your current partner is comparing you to her ex and telling you all this. Is it that you once talked about past partners and now you can't get it out of your head, or does she talk about her ex a lot? If she talks about her ex a lot she might have some attachment issues, or she could even be messing with to an extent. There's no way we can guess for you. You know your own life the best. If you really think you're your own worst enemy then step back a little bit and try not to be.

You are who you are. You can work with what you have. Yes, it sucks to be mentally tired all the time, but you'd be surprised how exercising actually gives you energy and makes it easier for you to fall asleep so you're not as sleep deprived.
 
ugh...why would she mention that? Sometimes I wonder about people's discretion. There was no reason for her to say that unless she is frustrated by the sex and said it out of anger.
 
Thanks for the comments. Nah, she just doesn't give that issue a lot of importance. It's something indifferent for her. She knows everyone is different and such. She doesn't really talk about her ex. Tho she is still friends with him, just as I am with my exs, there is no attachment. If one can rationalize the issue, there is really no problem talking about it. Except for the male ego part. I'm not that affected, nor do I react wrong to that, but inevitably it doesn't feel great. Plus, she doesn't really comprehend that male ego part, so she has had issues with the discretion, or tact to not talk about it. We weren't doing anything when she mentioned it. It was casual talk.

I know the deal is with me, not her, as I said. And I know it shouldn't be a problem because she's into me and willing to marry. But I believe I overthink stuff, so my fear comes with the issue of time, thinking how she will feel with the situation in 5, 10, 20 years. I know right now it isn't an issue, but how about later. That's my biggest fear. =/

I'm not the most secure person in the world, but I know what I am and what I'm capable of doing. I know my limits and the reasons I function the way I do, and why I do what I do. But I have to admit knowing that about her ex did make me insecure about that subject.
 
The thing is that if it didn't bother you that much, you wouldn't have a thread about it. She should have used some discretion, and this is just something that no one wants to hear. The ex and their sexual or physical attributes shouldn't be a topic to throw in someone's face. It wouldn't make anyone feel good, because by default, she is being insensitve to your own self-esteem when there is nothing you can do about it. This isn't as if you gained some weight and you can fix it.

I think the deal is with her: needs to think before she speaks. This isn't something you can change or is in any way your fault. If she had discretion and is unhappy with the sexual part of your relationship and wants to stick around to deal with it (the second part is important too...if she is done with the relationship, this issue is just icing on the cake to break it off in her mind and hurting you isn't so much of an issue), then she should suggest different sexual acts and use positive feedback instead of just throwing your manhood size into the fray and tell you about sex with her ex.

Terrible way to handle it on her part, IMO.

You should not feel insecure or ashamed to admit that it bothers you. I think most people like to act like what people say doesn't bother them, and for some reason, it's uncool to admit that what someone said bothered you, but ultimately, I think there is nothing wrong with saying "what you said was fucked up and it bothered me." You don't have to argue about it, but perhaps allowing yourself to admit that it bothers you and telling her about it might assuage some kind of problem she has induced with you, and then you guys can work on making some kind of plan to do sexual things that make her feel good and you both can be satisfied with.
 
I agree that if you're going to marry her, then you shouldn't have this insecurity as an outstanding issue. It's good that you're contemplating it. Don't beat yourself up over being introspective. You should be. Always questions yourself and everything. If you are entering into a potential marriage you should have as much figured out as you possibly can and the confidence you need so your relationship can be ideal. You aren't married to her yet or even engaged I assume, so you still have plenty of time to figure things out. Take it slow for now. It does seem as if she's kind of keeping you on your toes with the ex. I'd just be careful about it all. Don't always blame yourself in the relationship. Question her too in addition to just questioning yourself.

I'd rather have brutal honesty than unhurt feelings, and I believe that enlightenment is always best. However, I'm sure you didn't ask for or specifically even want to know about some specifics such as his penis size.. I don't know, I'm somewhat conflicted on this one because I feel like she could have told you the same truth without making you feel bad at the end of it all. She should have gone on to discuss your positive sexual attributes and what you and her have that her and her ex didn't to help you understand why she's into you and how you're competent sexually.

I agree that calling her out on that might be worth it. If you present things at the right time and in the correct way, if she's the one for you she'll set your mind at ease. Her saying that she just doesn't put importance on sexuality is insufficient. She should be telling you that she is sexually satisfied with you and making you feel good. I think that sexual chemistry is important to everyone in every relationship. Some people do care about different things on different levels, but you should see if you can get some positive feedback from her. You should be able to talk about it with her. She's told you all that stuff already, now she can explain more.
 
We weren't talking about sex between us or her between her and her ex. It came as a comment while we were talking other totally unrelated things. As it came, it went, conversation wise. But yes, I do see the point in talking everything out. Now that you mention it, I know she cums and more than once on some occasions, but actually I don't know if she's satisfied. I guess that's my biggest worry. And no, I didn't ask for anything. But if we are going to talk things, I guess I will need to ask some facts, about her, not about her ex. And of course, no details. But I don't know. I've been thinking and I guess I'm more insecure than I thought I was. =/ Which doesn't help. Hah.
 
what the fuck man, if it tooks 5 hours for the guy to make her cum

THANK FREAKING GOD you do it in 15mins ?

ohh and the dildo idea ? best thing ever! I have a magic wand, a little dildo, a medium and a large one...
 
ask her what she wants and give it to her

next time u go to fuck her for your 15 mins right before u nut, pull out, and try n put it in her ass

yall should really be communicating about this stuff and after she said that shit about her ex u should have told her how that made you feel and if your size was a problem for her....or been a dick and talked about your last girlfriends sunshine pussy
 
It's about quality over quantity my friend. Being a recovering heroin addict I got to experience both ends of the stamina thing. While I was using I would literally last until I was no longer high (5-8 hours with some breaks) but when I got clean I last an hour tops. But as someone said before it's about the turn ons and for me personally foreplay, intercourse, and the after are all equally important. Since I have no shame I'll put it like this, if the girl gets me really turned on before sex and makes me want it, then that's already a plus for her. Then if she gets me going real good during the actual sex, teasing me, getting me worked up and finishing, another plus. But after we're done, I like to smoke a cig, lay on my back, with her head on my chest with my arm around her, more or less cuddle and fall asleep. If a girl does all that, boom she's golden. Doesn't matter for me (from a guy's perspective) how long it lasts as long as the needs are met. I'm sure girls feel the same way (though the needs are probably different lol).

Edit: Size is like a key matching a lock. Personally I'm not well endowed (6.5 inches) but there's more to sex then just p in v. I'm not really much of a "fuck" guy anymore, I'm more of a "make love" kinda guy now. Incorporate touching, kissing, licking, biting, scratching, just bodily contact in general. Some girls love when you hold them tight and making love to them, some like gentle caressing, kissing, etc. As long as she's happy and loves you bud, you're already doing better than the ex. That's why he's the EX and you're the present. Keep on keepin on. P.S.- Studies show that the significant others of men that have smaller penises have better sex lives because the guy puts more into the sex besides thrusting like rabbits.
 
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WTF?? I love sex and fucking, but would rather shoot myself in the head than fuck for 5 hours. I mean... ouch! And... well I have a short attentions span so... BORING!!

My bf has a lot of stamina and actually he has delayed ejaculation and could probably last for hours but what's the point? 30 mins of fucking is about it for me, even with changing position it can get a bit repetitive and after a couple of orgasms you just want to cuddle. So usually we fuck for a while, if he comes great, if not maybe we take a break and do it again later, maybe he'll come in other ways or not at all - I guess what I'm trying to say is even though he could prob go for 5 hours I'd never wish that on anyone, heh... if you both get off I seriously don't see the issue. And also my bf's cock is smaller than some other guys I've been with (about 6.5") and it's perfect because it rarely hurts my cervix like other guys have and so we can do any position we like. If you ever read my posts in the "just had sex" thread you can see we have a pretty awesome and active and varied sex life. You guys sound sexually compatible and like you both enjoy and love each other - OP, you need to stop letting your insecurities ruin a perfectly good relationship.
 
She's probably exagerating a little bit. It might have been 5 hours but, I doubt it was non-stop. It was probably multiple sessions within the 5 hours. I'm sure you could give that a go.
 
lola said:
WTF?? I love sex and fucking, but would rather shoot myself in the head than fuck for 5 hours. I mean... ouch! And... well I have a short attentions span so... BORING!!

My bf has a lot of stamina and actually he has delayed ejaculation and could probably last for hours but what's the point? 30 mins of fucking is about it for me, even with changing position it can get a bit repetitive and after a couple of orgasms you just want to cuddle. So usually we fuck for a while, if he comes great, if not maybe we take a break and do it again later, maybe he'll come in other ways or not at all - I guess what I'm trying to say is even though he could prob go for 5 hours I'd never wish that on anyone, heh... if you both get off I seriously don't see the issue. And also my bf's cock is smaller than some other guys I've been with (about 6.5") and it's perfect because it rarely hurts my cervix like other guys have and so we can do any position we like. If you ever read my posts in the "just had sex" thread you can see we have a pretty awesome and active and varied sex life. You guys sound sexually compatible and like you both enjoy and love each other - OP, you need to stop letting your insecurities ruin a perfectly good relationship.
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Sandpaper vagina. LOL It starts to hurt.
 
Force yourself to do what you need. Re-prioritize. If youre that serious about your relationship, then you are obligated to fulfill her desires. This is not an easy job. You have to focus on diet, focus on exercise, and focus on rest, sacrifice things so that you can improve your body and health. Know inside that you are good enough, strong enough, and in love enough, and that if you just focus your whole life around your goal you will make it. Its all in your head really. The moment you doubt yourself or tell yourself you arent capable of reaching this goal, then this becomes reality. Choose to make her complete and total satisfaction the reality.

Or, decide you both want/need different things, and find new avenues to meet your satisfactions.

"If you do not respect yourself, then your happiness is based on the thoughts and opinions of others." - Marcus Aurelius

Also, if you dont think sex for 5 hours sounds awesome, then you havent discovered female multiple orgasms. They can be addictive. Yall know you can take water and pee breaks, right?
 
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