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The girl who ruined it for me

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Eyes On the Roll

Eyes On the Roll

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2010
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692
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Heaven
Well, let me start off by saying that throughout my 21 years of life I have never felt inclined to enter into a serious relationship, apart from the one that started when I was 17, my first and only girlfriend. We dated for 2 years, until i was 19. I am naturally an emotionally cold person, distant with a shallow affect. but this girl opened up a part of me that I have never seen before. Well, it ended up with her cheating on me with my roommate, and from that point forward till now I have been extremely bitter towards women. I became the independent person I once was before entering that relationship. Since age 19, and the ending of the relationship, I went back to my old natural ways. I'm a friendly, fun person to be around, but I became cold again. I became shallow, and what I portrayed on the surface wasn't real, and nobody has penetrated that surface since. I became a cruel and bitter person on the inside, as I was before being in a relationship. I have recently come to realize that I need someone, as much as I hate to admit it, I need someone to penetrate that surface once more, in order for me to become a more humane and compassionate person again.

The problem is, I don't know where to look. I'm an extremely lonely and cruel person deep down, as much as i try to hide it, and despite my pleasant and polite demeanor. I'm tall, 21, lean, and very good looking (excuse my ego.. trying to put this in perspective), yet I have that one fatal flaw despite all of my gifts.. I can't relate and I can't let anyone in. I can't emotionally feel. I feel I may be doomed to this fate, this destiny, for the rest of my life. The girlfriend I was talking about, the one i dated for 2 years.. she found me. She pushed her way in, as if it were destiny. I wasn't looking for a girl at all, and didn't want companionship, yet she found her way in. I can't just sit here and wait for that to happen again.. because it may never. Yet, I don't have the ability to find anyone, but at the same time I yearn for that companionship again, to make me a better person, to make me feel again.

I am not interested in sex.. mind you, I am not an asexual though. I just want a companion again. Something to make life a bit brighter. As much as it kills me to ask, I need advice. I live in a new city and know no one around here, am on 2 years of probation, with 2 years without a drivers license, and am not in school and will not be aloud to go back to college for a long time probably. It kills me to ask for help, it's almost humiliating, but please, someone shed some helpful advice my way. I would greatly appreciate it.
 
Admitting you need somebody is a good start. I'm confused as to why you don't have the ability to find anyone though. It's not as complicated as we make it out to be. Go out, socialize, meet new people, etc. This should all be very well within your means unless you live in a town where you make up the whole population.
 
Try going to a gym or other social / communal activities where you can meet new people. Maybe you will find another girl who likes you enough to push her way in, and you'll like her enough to open up a bit.

I'm sure there is someone out there who will understand you for who you are, and you will be attracted to and able to love back. It sounds like you're not in a huge hurry, and you are seeking companionship over sex.. so just get yourself out there more and let the universe do it's thing.
 
Well, I'm in a new city where I don't know anyone. I also won't have a license for 2 years due to a dui I received (due to drugs in my urine for a pee test, and I wasn't under the influence at the time. I was forced to do the urine screen, if I refused I would get 1 year without a license.. maybe I should have refused.) It's just with my circumstance I find it hard to meet people my age. I'm not in college anymore, in a new area, no license.. and to top it all off I'm quite emotionally shallow as I mentioned. I just think the best thing for me right now would be a companion, and it's taken me years to admit this. Realize that I've gone the past 2 years forcing myself to believe that I didn't need anyone, now i've come to accept that for my own good, to unlock the good deep down in myself, I need a girl again. I am just so out of practice and don't know where to look, as a 21 year old.
 
bluedolphin said:
Try going to a gym or other social / communal activities where you can meet new people. Maybe you will find another girl who likes you enough to push her way in, and you'll like her enough to open up a bit.

I'm sure there is someone out there who will understand you for who you are, and you will be attracted to and able to love back. It sounds like you're not in a huge hurry, and you are seeking companionship over sex.. so just get yourself out there more and let the universe do it's thing.
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I agree, the gym is a great place to meet people, also a workout, swim, or whatever you choose to do will make you feel better, probably even more socially confident.
 
Maybe you need to focus more on yourself before looking for a girl to solve all your problems? It is important to be happy with yourself, even when you are single. It is not healthy to rely on another person for all of your happiness. You need to find a way to be that friendly, fun person without someone else. You can do it yourself! :)
 
being a former tampa resident, I understand your perspective quite well. The way you describe your demeanor is a problem many in your area share. I'd suggest moving, and thats a serious suggestion.

Barring that, I'd get a dog. It'll help get you out of the house, and its a great way to meet girls and other people, plus, a dog is down to do everything you love to do. Maybe look into some new hobbies. If you want to get out of your funk, youve got to get outside of your comfort zone. It'll be awkward at first, but thats a sign that you're getting out of your comfort zone. Spend some time developing yourself. Theres nothing more attractive than someone who is constantly improving themselves.
 
My only piece of advice? Don't look at all. I've had 3 wonderful relationships in my days and each one fell into my lap at the point that I was least caring about finding someone or even remotely looking. I guess the universe just has that way of knowing when you are at that point of being content with yourself and where you're at. That's when it has decided to chuck that curveball right at my dome and mix things up again to keep me on my toes.
 
llama112 said:
Maybe you need to focus more on yourself before looking for a girl to solve all your problems? It is important to be happy with yourself, even when you are single. It is not healthy to rely on another person for all of your happiness. You need to find a way to be that friendly, fun person without someone else. You can do it yourself! :)
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^ This.

Btw, OP, you're close to my neck of the woods!
 
I have been focusing on myself, it's just that all my life i've been a private person, and despite my appearance I'm actually a very lonely person.. The past few years after my breakup I trained myself to believe I would never want for or need a companion again, that I was better off alone. Now, recently, I have looked back at the good times we've had, and despite my years of denial, I've concluded that those were the happiest times of my life, and I want them back. I don't know if I'm capable of love, or if what I felt was love.. but I know that I am capable of being kind and compassionate, despite what psychologists have told me, I know I could feel it.. somewhat, maybe on a different plane. I was a completely different person when I had her, I wasn't cold like I was before and after her. Part of my emotional void is that I can't relate to anyone really.. and that's my problem. Like I said, she came to me, she forced her way in. I guess I'll have to wait until that happens again, until someone else sees through me like all the others can't, and is okay with it, and then I'll accept them. Maybe that's the only way I'll know I'm ready, and when it's right, when someone comes to me again. It's just that, I don't want to have to wait. But what can you do.. when you're a person like me. I know that if I try, and if I search, I'll be faking it, and the person I attract won't be attracted to the real me, and it will be an empty relationship, and I want something real.
 
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I'm basically the female version of you. I have however not had a relationship that has 'opened' me up at all. The only time I feel love, love of mankind, desire for company, affection and all that it encompasses is when I am on drugs.

My first advice to you is that you should not be relying on anybody at all to make your more humane or compassionate nor should your contentment and completeness rely on anyone else. Take this as a new chapter of your life and build it from scratch. You are in a new city, do you have a job? Engross yourself in making your life better, concentrating on goals and also expanding your horizons. Volunteer, join clubs/sports, get involved in the community, find people with thing in common with you. Once you have rebuilt the superficial dynamics of what a stable life is considered in our society then think about bringing another into the situation.


I'm sorry, reading back what I wrote I feel like I have given you a really lousy answer. I really hope you work your way out of these sense of self depreciation and realise it is not all that bad. I hope that things work out for you man.
 
Well, it's nice to know that there are females out there like me, and the advice you have given is what I myself have recently come to realize. I guess this longing occurred because I recently stopped partying and taking drugs, and was going through a week long withdrawal from painkillers. Like you, I needed drugs like ecstasy, lsd, and oxycodone to relate to people. Now that the depression from my withdrawal is coming to an end, I'm back to my usual self. I feel independent again and contempt with myself. I do not have a job, but I have an interview on Thursday. I have court tomorrow though... and after tomorrow I will be convicted of a felony (until probation is completed... I will have it erased), so finding a job will be increasingly difficult. Hopefully I'll land this one. I guess this longing was just a short stint I went through. I feel completely comfortable with myself again, and mentally independent. Although it would be nice to have a companion once again, I do not feel the longing for it anymore. So, I will just wait for someone to like me for who I REALLY am, and find their way through. I think of it as the universe telling me I'm ready for a companion again. :)
There are things much worse than death, and I consider loneliness to be one of them. I hope to find a job and make some friends up here in this new city. That is all I long for now. A group of friends I can enjoy life with, like I had in my hometown that I just left.
 
get your life structures in place then a relationship is more likely to fall into your lap.

try and be sociable and make friends with people, begining with this job. get to know people from there. also join a club that does something you enjoy to satisfy you socially. friends cannot be forced and have to happen naturally and sexual relationships with a girlfriend must also follow this path in order for it to suitable for you.

loads of people are in pointless relationships for the sake of it. thats not what you need, you need a lover who is a friend and companion. and some friends to hang out with and make you chill
 
NJ5227 said:
being a former tampa resident, I understand your perspective quite well. The way you describe your demeanor is a problem many in your area share. I'd suggest moving, and thats a serious suggestion.

Barring that, I'd get a dog. It'll help get you out of the house, and its a great way to meet girls and other people, plus, a dog is down to do everything you love to do. Maybe look into some new hobbies. If you want to get out of your funk, youve got to get outside of your comfort zone. It'll be awkward at first, but thats a sign that you're getting out of your comfort zone. Spend some time developing yourself. Theres nothing more attractive than someone who is constantly improving themselves.
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PLease DO NOT get a dog unless you are serious about wanting to be a pet owner with all that entails (sorry for the pun). Shelters are full of rejected animals that people thought they wanted. Try another solution and leave the pets to serious pet owners. Sorry, but I feel pretty strongly about this topic!
 
llama112 said:
Maybe you need to focus more on yourself before looking for a girl to solve all your problems? It is important to be happy with yourself, even when you are single. It is not healthy to rely on another person for all of your happiness. You need to find a way to be that friendly, fun person without someone else. You can do it yourself! :)
Click to expand...

This.

Have you ever thought of seeking out some counseling to help with your issues? You might benefit a great deal in talking with a professional and figuring out what is making your demeanor so cold. Nobody can get in if you don't ever let them in and this holds true for your ex, you had to of let your guard down. She didn't force you to.

You should try to check out meet up groups in your area, they have all kinds of activities so you can meet people with common interests. It sounds like you need to meet some new friends in your new area and then take it from there.
 
Lol no already tried that. Didn't end to well. My last psychiatrist broke his confidentiality thingy by calling my father and telling him to never believe anything I said, that I was evil, and masochistic , and said I was untreatable and didn't want me coming back.

Reading this posts makes me slightly humiliated. I was just withdrawing guys.. I was depressed. I don't have issues, I'm fine with the way I am. I don't really want a girlfriend anymore lol, that was just a little 4 day thing from the depression from the withdrawal. I don't have issues
 
Lol no already tried that. Didn't end to well. My last psychiatrist broke his confidentiality thingy by calling my father and telling him to never believe anything I said, that I liked to exploit and manipulate, and derived pleasure from messing with people... and said I was untreatable and didn't want me coming back.

Reading this posts makes me slightly humiliated. I was just withdrawing guys.. I was depressed. I don't have issues, I'm fine with the way I am. I don't really want a girlfriend anymore lol, that was just a little 4 day thing from the depression from the withdrawal. I don't have issues
 
pof.com

seriously, ive been hypin it all day on here because it WORKS

just make u a profile, if u see someone ur interested in, message them. see where it goes.

companions are easy to come by. relationships....that is a whole nother moster
 
I am a very closed off person. Im very unemotional to 99% of people I meet. There is a small handful of people I allow in my inner circle with trust and respect.... I had my first real love when i was 18. After a year of being together, he cheated on me for 6 months. With my friend. Who i worked with. After 6 months someone finally had the balls to tell me. Ruined me. Devastated me. I immediately, that same week seeked out a dude i knew was into me. Hooked up with him and started dating for a couple months. Then the Cheater came crawling back, I took him back because I felt like 'yay.' HUGEST mistake of my life. We stayed together for 3 more years while I cheated on him countless times, I don't know if he ever did again and I actually didn't care. I broke up with him after a total of 4 years and had a string of casual partners and a string of "relationships." The past 7 years of my life, I can legitimately say I didn't love any of my other boyfriends. Didn't care about any of them really. Never did I actually date just one person at a time, whether they knew that or not...... Just this past 6 months I allowed a person into my life and he opened my heart and mind back up to the wanting, the accepting, the hope of having real love again someday. And I'm thankful. I feel like I kind of have a purpose again. if you are open to finding someone, which it sounds like you are then I think you will find it. I was closed off for so long and couldn't allow that into my life. I think now, after having had someone come into your life and show you the good side of relationships and love, you will be more willing to accept it than you were before.
 
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