Feeling emotionally unstable

[the_ketaman]

Hello Darksiders. Im not sure why I havent come here earlier but ive been dealing with some pretty bad depression and anxiety issues lately. I refuse to go on SSRI's, ive been on them before and dont like the side effects they give. Namely the sexual side-effects and the personality and emotional changes just dont feel right to me. Im on 8mg suboxone daily for close to a year now and before that was on 80mg methadone for a few years, oxy/morphine years before that(fuck im only 21 too). Been using drugs since 13, injecting and serious habituation since 16. Just a bit of background there.

Anyway this depression is really killing me, because I want so badly to be happy, I want to feel good its just like some chemical imbalance in my brain or something. Few things make me truely happy, I do still use drugs but only on average once a week(heroin) apart from being a mostly every day pot-smoker which I know I need to quit but when I do im still depressed. I have a feeling it could be the buprenorphine making me depressed though im not sure. I also think I may have low testosteone levels as I have most of the signs such as always bing tired, losing weight/replacing muscle with fat, depression, shit sex drive etc. I have lost the respect of most of my friends because ive distanced myself from them and when I do see them I try too hard probably because of low self-esteem. I feel like ive lost who I am and I lost him years ago. I am gay not that it matters but I find it hard to meet guys for sex or relationships when my perception of my self-image is so poor, not to mention the suboxone making things a little hard(or lets say not hard) I dont tell people straight away about the sub and why would I? I spend most of my time alone as thats when I feel like I can be me but that doesnt mean I wouldnt like a nice guy to spend my time with. The thing is that I like men much older than myself which is something that ive let get me down a few times but I mostly try to accept it and try not to be ashamed. It is hard though and I often feel dirty but its not like I go fucking random old guys, I just like older guys(like 35-55) and im starting to realise its normal. A part of me is still ashamed though. My mum and sister both know and are ok with everything.

Im also unemployed and dont have an income which is not much fun and while im nearly finished a nursing course and will be able to get a job in the next few months, im finding it hard to do work and get right into the parts of the course that I need to be focusing on. I failed this course last year probably due to depression.'

Im going back to my psychologist this tuesday but I need all the help I can get im not in a good way. Luckily no suicidal ideation though so thats good. I just want to be happy. Does anyone have any advice they could give me? Sorry if this is written badly, sometimes I fear that my intelligence was replaced with depression :/

Thanks.... Bluelight is one place where I dont feel alone

 

[Vaya]

Thanks.... Bluelight is one place where I dont feel alone

I'm so glad to hear you've reached that conclusion man. Because, truth is, you're simply not alone. I have struggled for many, many years with just about every issue you brought to the table in this post. You were quite thorough, and I appreciate that. Not only might it have been pretty cathartic for you to get it all out on the table, but it certainly did not leave me guessing as to what (various) mechanisms likely underscore your emotional dysregulation. Allow me to elaborate. Take a step back, pretend the following was not written by you. Assume that the author is depressed,

Few things make me truely happy, I do still use drugs but only on average once a week(heroin) apart from being a mostly every day pot-smoker which I know I need to quit but when I do im still depressed. I have a feeling it could be the buprenorphine making me depressed though im not sure. [...] I have lost the respect of most of my friends because ive distanced myself from them and when I do see them I try too hard probably because of low self-esteem.

Of the bolded portions above, would you not be at least somewhat inclined to believe that the aforementioned habitual marijuana use (known to precipitate depression), concurrent habitual use of buprenorphine (known, as any other opiate/opioid, to precipitate depressive episodes) and somewhat newfound isolation from your previous social circles could collectively be contributing to the instability of your internal world? I think that to make the assumption that it must be a chemical imbalance that requires treatment with prescription medications may be jumping the gun a bit at this point because we have here a veritable laundry list of other equally (if not more so) relevant precipitators/instigators of depression and anxiety.

Isolating from people has never lead to fulfillment in my life; why have you chosen to separate yourself from them? Is it that you're looking to move away from a social circle of "bad influences" in order to clear your mind and address your issues (a positive thing), or is it resultant from the depression itself? Perhaps this question is not able to be answered at this time, but one thing's for sure - In order to answer it, many of these confounding factors (long-term habitual use drugs with profound and additive effects on emotional stability, pre-existing conceptions of depression, etc.).

I also think I may have low testosteone levels as I have most of the signs such as always bing tired, losing weight/replacing muscle with fat, depression, shit sex drive etc.

In the depths of my own depressive episodes, I have very, very often found myself overlooking the obvious candidates and, allowing my anxiety to run amuck, contrived many other "possibilities" that may be contributing to my depression. It sounds from your post, though, that this idea of low testosterone levels didn't exist prior to your being depressed and beginning to ruminate over the symptoms you describe above. I really think you've inadvertently twisted this into something far more complicated, because lethargy, weight inconsistency and low sex-drive are all classical symptoms of depressive episodes, and are only much less frequently the precipitating factors underlying the presence of depression at all. Try not to look too deeply into the roots of your depression; if you are anything like me, you'll end up with a laundry list of things "wrong" with yourself. This list generates feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness, from which I've found myself both overwhelmed and "stuck" in the sense that I feel that I am up against so much that I find it nearly impossible to begin to address such a large collection of self-examination opportunities.

Keep things simple, and especially with emotional instability such as that you've been describing, don't jump the gun. Begin with the most obvious candidates, as I suggested earlier, and move forth with investigating other possibilities only when you have exhausted the issues on the frontlines.

It's not an easy thing to do.
Please keep this community updated on how you are feeling and what you and your therapist discuss (generally speaking!) regarding this. Have you been entirely open with him/her about your use of Suboxone and marijuana? If not, I would, beginning with this visit!!


~ Vaya

 

[xxxyyy]

i'm also struggling with crippling depression and the only thing that helped, that i can recommend, is selegiline. when you take that you have to be a bit careful with anything that fucks around with dopamine in your brain. hope this helps you in any shape or form.

@vaya: is your name by any chance stolen from at the drive-in? because i'm just listening to them (proxima centaury).

 

[Pagey]

As Vaya mentioned, it sounds like the drugs might be emphasizing your depression a lot. Now that I'm off drugs (benzos) I realize how much more depressed they made me, it even culminated in a suicide attempt, which I'd never would have done had I been sober. The logical first step would therefore be to stop taking them, or at least cut down a little, even though I know that's easier said than done - but maybe focus on the fact that you might not have a predisposition for depression, focus on that. Is there anyone close to you you could talk to about your drug issues? Bluelight's great but it's always better to have a close friend or family member you can call as soon as you feel like you need more. Also, even though you might not want to and it might just annoy you from now, I think it's definitely good to reconnect with your friends...it'll help in the long-run. Loneliness makes depression thrive. I could also repeat all the usual stuff, eat well, exercize, go out etc., but I'm sure you've heard it all before and it won't help much. Sorry you have to go through this though. I hope it'll get better.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Other than your family, do you have any friends in your support network? Sometimes one good friend can help out a lot.

I don't think it is Suboxone that is making you depressed. It is probably heroin. I would stop doing that once a week, it is not helping you. Keep in mind it is your choice but not using it cannot hurt.

 

[Vaya]

@vaya: is your name by any chance stolen from at the drive-in? because i'm just listening to them (proxima centaury).

I believe you are the first person ever to identify that :D Incredible.
Became my DJ moniker after many years but yes, its derivation lies with the almighty ATDI. Good eye, bro!

 

[Vaya]

Other than your family, do you have any friends in your support network? Sometimes one good friend can help out a lot.

I don't think it is Suboxone that is making you depressed. It is probably heroin. I would stop doing that once a week, it is not helping you. Keep in mind it is your choice but not using it cannot hurt.

My feeling is that it's more likely the suboxone rather than the heroin, because both can be contRibutive factors to the etiology of depression, but the heroin is being used to a much lesser extent than is the buprenorphine, and bupe is also amongst the most potent of the opioids, increasing the likelihood of adverse cognitive side effects over diamorphine.

Getting off of both is important, obviously, but my suggestion would be to cut out the daily administration of buprenorphine first, if cutting out both at once is not an option.

Either that, or kick the dope and begin an informed taper immediately from the Suboxone.

OP let us know how you are doing please!!

~ Vaya

 

[the_ketaman]

Ok thanks so much, sorry I didnt reply sooner I was not expecting this kind of reply. Things are much better but things could still be better so im going to cut out the suboxone, I think im ready. I honestly dont think its the heroin causing the depression, maybe I just cant see it but I think one of the biggest contributing factors for the depression is coming from constantly having opiates in my system. I honestly dont want to quit heroin, I do want to quit the bupe though, I just hope I can keep the heroin to a minimum without the bupe.

I have re-connected with my friends and everything is good, I have been having my alone time and a fair amount of time with friends so all that is going pretty well. Been speaking to a guy regularly who I can talk to and who understands where im at. He's also gay and an injecting drug user but is a lot older and has kind of been in my footsteps(but with crystal meth) so he's good to talk to. My eyes are absolutely killing so i'll come back n edit this tomorrow but all in all things are much better.

A special thanks to Vaya