My (incarcerated) boyfriend failed a drug test.

[Libby]

He's gone up to maximum security camp. Even if I get to visit him, he will be behind a glass wall.
I am shattered.

The whole time since I've been dating him he's been pretty much only in prison at night, because he was on release to work (so he goes to his work and I could see him) and he was getting home leave every third weekend, then it went up to every second weekend, he was being "integrated" back into society in preparation for his release, if I didn't think he was going to be coming out soon I don't think I would have let myself develop such feelings for him.

But now I won't be seeing him at all for fuck knows how long. I don't know how to have a boyfriend who I can't even see.
I'm staying with him, I love him.
How am I gonna do this?
Any advice?

I'm depressed as hell over this.
Fucking wish I could go back in time and slap him in the face take his drugs off him, No kitty you cant have any!No kitty that's a bad kitty!
But I can't.

Has anyone else had a partner in prison?
How did you cope with it?

 

[Libby]

It's a good thing I'm a prostitute because I'll be getting sex lol and even though it isn't always good sex I think it would be harder to go without any sexual contact at all for however many years.. (If you're american you probably think funny things about prostitution, I watch "cops" lol, remember it's legal in my country and very very different, there aren't pimps, I don't work on the street, I go to work the same way anyone would and do a shift and then leave, always safe, very professional, there's alot of lonely/horny people out there, I provide a service to them, I don't just lie back and let them molest me lol I am in charge of my body and if anyone is disrespectful to me they are required to leave. I'm ok with what I do emotionally, and so is my boyfriend). I think I'm going to feel empty though, having lots of meaningless sex and the person I have real feelings for is locked up so far away... *sigh* I have a big Hello Kitty soft toy he bought me, I cuddle it when I miss him, it means soo much to me now lol. I wonder if I'm allowed to send him something in prison or if he's only allowed letters...

 

[blight12]

It's a good thing I'm a prostitute because I'll be getting sex lol and even though it isn't always good sex I think it would be harder to go without any sexual contact at all for however many years.. (If you're american you probably think funny things about prostitution, I watch "cops" lol, remember it's legal in my country and very very different, there aren't pimps, I don't work on the street, I go to work the same way anyone would and do a shift and then leave, always safe, very professional, there's alot of lonely/horny people out there, I provide a service to them, I don't just lie back and let them molest me lol I am in charge of my body and if anyone is disrespectful to me they are required to leave. I'm ok with what I do emotionally, and so is my boyfriend). I think I'm going to feel empty though, having lots of meaningless sex and the person I have real feelings for is locked up so far away... *sigh* I have a big Hello Kitty soft toy he bought me, I cuddle it when I miss him, it means soo much to me now lol. I wonder if I'm allowed to send him something in prison or if he's only allowed letters...

What are your thoughts on upgrading? I dont know you but im guessing you deserve better then this guy, right?

 

[Crankinit]

What are your thoughts on upgrading? I dont know you but im guessing you deserve better then this guy, right?

Because he's in jail? Because he uses drugs? We all use drugs here, and most of us risk jail at some stage.

 

[blight12]

True, my statement without knowing more details is not helpful at all. Lets rather say, long distance relationships hardly ever work out. Find an old rich guy. Life solved.

 

[Libby]

I have plenty of old rich guys lol, I am only interested in them for their money and they are only interested in me for my body so we make a business arrangement. Why in the hell would I want some rich old guy for a relationship? I'm not going to take advantage of someone and let them think I'm into them just so they can die and I can take all their money, and I'm not stupid enough to think some rich old man who I clearly would have nothing in common with would love me for who I am and not just because he'd like some young thing on his arm to show off his status as a rich man.

I love my boyfriend, he may have made some mistakes in his life, but so have I. He's been good to me, and if it weren't for this recent drug use (just a lapse, in rehab they tell you not to over stress about a small lapse, but in prison it can change your whole future) he would have paid his debt to society for his crime and be ready for release.

 

[blight12]

OK yeah sorry, your talking about a real relationship, which wont work with some dodgy old rich man. Can I ask, when is your boyfriend getting out? Honestly if its a month or 2 then cool, but if its longer i guess you need to decide if its worth waiting.

 

[Libby]

I don't actually know when he's getting out. He was sentenced to 10 years no parole, he's done 11, he was just a kid pretty much when he went in, he needed to do his release for work and home leave and stuff before he could be allowed release, but he fucked that up with this drug test, so I guess he has to start again? maybe 2 years? Just guessing. He's supposed to be going before the parole board Tuesday and we believed that would conclude in him being released, but now I don't know if he even gets to meet with the parole board or not, or if he does what they will say. Really I don't know how any of this prison stuff works. I've already decided I will be waiting for him. Like if it was gonna be another 11 years or something no, but it couldnt possibly be. I'm just wondering what to expect really and looking for support and possibly if anyone has been through this, if they have any pearls of wisdom or anything...

 

[blight12]

Hectic, it must really suck getting so close to release and then getting screwed over with a drug test. Raw fucking deal seriously. I will say hes a lucky guy to have you there for him through all this shit. Respect.

More then that i cannot say, ive never been anywhere near this situation, im a nerdy mommies boy from the suburbs so yeah. Lets hope somebody whos been there chimes in...

 

[herbavore]

Libby, I am so sorry to hear this. I know you were afraid this might happen and now it is a reality. I guess that all i can say it that you will need to get all the support that you can for yourself while he is doing his time. Even though I agree that long distance relationships are hard, they do in fact occur all the time. look at immigrant couples that are apart for years without contact while they work to save money to be reunited. It can work but you will need support. I am happy to hear that the sex part will not be a problem because that is exactly what I think does a lot of people in. What is missing for you is intimacy, emotional intimacy. This is every bit as important as sex. I know that you talked about not having close friends but that is exactly where I think you need to put your energy. The older we get the harder it seems to make real connections but it can be done. Try getting involved with something that you are interested in and hopefully you can meet people and see if anything clicks. Then the hard part is putting yourself out there and trying to find ways to spend time together.

All I know is that without my girlfriends I would not have been able to survive so many of the tragedies I have lived through. Friends are every bit as important as lovers or partners. I can feel how committed you are to your partner and I think it is a very beautiful thing. You can always develop online friendships here but don't overlook real life where you live. Stay strong. My heart goes out to your boyfriend. When are we ever going to stop punishing people for addiction?

 

[Libby]

Well I do have my best friend who I live with. But I don't want to talk to her about any problems I have, because she is a single mother of a two year old, on the benefit, at university full time, and also baby sits her little sister's special needs 15 month old on weekends while her sister is at work for extra money so she can pay her own son's kindergarten fees while she is at Uni. She has enough to worry about.

I could talk the girls at work I suppose. Not really good head space to get into at work though, discussing deep issues, better for business to keep convo on the light side.

 

[motherofearth]

I want to echo some of the sentiments expressed in your last thread: one being, you should supplement the loss of companionship w/ some (new?) friends. From what I've seen, no poster so far has claimed an experience similar to yours (incarcerated SO), and I, like them, also do not possess that specific experience. But I have been abandoned, cut off from the person I love, as if they where a ghost in my life. In that situation, I found a new group of friends and proceeded to replace the emptiness w/ which I was left. Sadly for me, this left the sex question achingly unanswered, but happily for you, it seems you have that area of your life satisfied.

Secondly, I am so sorry to hear he failed his test. My childhood best friend is supposed to be released in a few weeks, but I fear he will suffer the same fate due to his heroin abuse whilst incarcerated. For you though, I imagine this cuts so much deeper, being it your lover.

Third, I'm American and totally understand the disclaimer you had to make about preconceptions toward prostitution. In so many societies prostitutes occupy a well respected, highly professional post, and are the healers within these bounds. I'm always frustrated by America's parochial and unenlightened stance on the matter.

Best of luck, and I hope you have some friends to help you.

 

[Libby]

Yeah, I'm not exactly looking to replace him in any sense.
Nevermind, maybe it won't be as hard as I'm thinking it's gonna be.
Thanks for the help.
Yes actually, I'm sure it will be alright, I just got myself into a state, I was drinking alcohol and eating junk food like non-stop for two days, and then I was worried about gaining weight so I got some drugs, probably not the best idea, worked myself up too much lol. Everything will be fine.

 

[tripnotyzm]

glad you've calmed down a little.
It fucking sucks about your boyfriend, but after reading this thread following your precious related one, I think you should stay strong and wait for him.
If it takes two years then it takes two years.
Let's just hope he isn't pumping drugs into his system in there, would make things horribly worse if he got caught.
Sounds like you two are inseperable.
Wait
The sex following his awaited release will be amazing
Take care Libby!

 

[Libby]

Thanks, yeah I reckon if he can wait 11+ years for his freedom then I can easily wait 2 or whatever years for him. And on the bright side, I don't think he'll be finding someone he likes more than me while he's in there away from me So can add an automatic 2 years duration on the relationship, that'll make it the second longest one I've ever had. Well done me *pats back* lol

 

[milfhunter]

Can I go off topic a little?

I briefly dated a prostitute once about two years ago. She basically became a sexworker just because she quickly needed a lot of money. But once her debts were paid off, she didn't quit the job because she couldn't she couldn't imagine doing some mind numbing job for WAY less than what she earned now.
Does this sound familiar, Libby?

Obviously, you don't need to answer this if you don't want to.

 

[Libby]

I like my job. I want to do it until I am too old and un-sexy to get enough business from it and am forced to find work elsewhere. Preferably I'ld like to get some savings together so I can do the Cher plastic surgery thing and stay young forever lol. I think you are assuming I don't want to be in the line of work I'm in because your ex didn't really want to be in it, she just wanted to pay off some debts. I din't get into this to pay off some debts, I started working when I was 14 because I was homeless and I couldn't get a job, even Mc Donalds told me to come back when I was 16, I wasn't old enough for the independent youth benefit till 16 either, and I wanted to stay in school as I enjoyed school. I found a way to support myself, I earn't everything I needed, over time I learn't how to better deal with people, situations, etc, I grew and became stronger because of it. It is a part of who I am, and I am proud. I know there alot of people out there who discriminate against sex workers, who try to tell us we should be ashamed of our work, but I know my body belongs to me to govern not them, and I know I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Sure I may bitch and moan about my job from time to time, but doesn't everyone? it doesn't mean they are unhappy in their line of work. Honestly I am so so so very grateful for my job.

 

[Libby]

*Sigh* I miss my boy so much already.

 

[badfish45]

It's tough ^ My friend's boyfriend got sent to military school where they cut off all contact basically with phones, and I can only imagine what you have to go through libby. I'd say you just wait it out, and definitely use your friends, because right now they will be the best thing that you have You don't even have to talk about your problems, just having them there is enough. I know my friend would talk to me every single day (something very rare for her when she's dating) like all the time because she was upset, so maybe give this time to find new things. Enjoy it as sort of a freedom from a relationship yet you still have somebody that you love, and if you're willing to wait for him then I say you should go for it.

 

[Libby]

I got a letter from him yay! He sounded really down, but I try cheer him up, I wrote him.. and then I wrote him again lol, he probably hadn't even recieved my first letter yet when I wrote him second one but I just missed him and felt like writing. I found his undies and socks in my laundry lol, I thought about not washing them, but then I put them in the wash lol, I'm gonna wear them.