JasperTheReckless
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2011
- Messages
- 339
25i-NBOMe - My hallucinations of Death (4.5mg)
The day started out as a normal tripping weekend would, I woke friday, watched me some Pulp Fiction, facebooked a bit, played Dark Souls til my friends came to pick me up. They arrive at my house, shook up, talked excitedly a bit, I gave one friend, we'll call him T, a gift, a Xanax 1mg, that I had simply saved as an afterthought a few days prior. W is driving, and i'm laying across the backseat, we joke the whole way, having a good time.
We stop to scoop a friend who is of age to acquire some 190 proof alcohol for us, to mix up our batch that night. Everything goes well. We head back to out hometown, and stop off to get a few minor supplies; again, all is good.
We get back to the house and W begins to mix up the chemical, I watch, not as intently as I normally would though, as I was caught up in the group conversation (there were three others present as well, though not to trip on 25i). We mixed 20ml of water, 10ml of everclear, 900mg 25i, complexed with HPBCD, and stirred for a long while, then heated slightly; and let to sit. W had to run an errand, and departed, to return perhaps 45 minute later. It was right about sunset.
W returns, and we proceed to dose. I immediately became worried, as I knew this was something none of us had tried, and had felt better in the mindset, that I'll try it first and when i'm okay, and it's proven safe, that my friends dose as well. This, is not how it proceeded.
+0:00 one drop of solution in the left nostril, burns, no doubt between the everclear and the 25i
+0:01 vivid visuals, violent assualtive patterning, having difficulty making decisions
+0:02 I recognize with no doubt in my mind, i'll be lucky to survive this; i've had two previous fatal overdoses, and this has all the signs of my body complaining under the load of the chemical. I try to tell my friends hold off, don't dose. It's too late, I forget how to decide, my brain locks up, visuals swallow me, I see them dose and my heart hurts, because i'm scared they'll get hurt
+0:03 I fight as hard as I can to stay awake, it feels like hours since dosing
+0:04 I begin to go blind, I see in my thoughts, not out my eyes
+0:05 I enter what I thought to be my brain's interpretation of me dying:
I am laying on my back, my head in T's lap, my mind racing trying to figure out the pattern of the drug, trying to solve the equation so I can regain my ability to communicate, take control; I am supposed to be the druggie, the professional, I'm supposed to make it alright in these kindsa of situations, but I slipped up, now my friends might get hurt. I hold on to coherency with an iron grasp; I see my first three childhood friends sitting around me, K, W, and T, me still laying on T, (note, K is not actually present at the time) they seem to be trying to ask me what's wrong, but the drug is angry, it's fighting me, beating me up inside, violating receptors in my brain, trying to overdrive my heart. I resist my best; I catch my breath and try to figure out this cyclic pattern, visuals, physical waves, visuals, thought loops, electric surge, c'mon figure this out, you need to solve this, or you won't come back. I grow more scared, as I lose my ability to discern life from death, if I can't tell the difference, how do I fight for life? I've comtemplated and failed suicide, however, at this point in time, right now, I want to live. I see three friends, all caring, all a purpose for me to keep trudging on. I will not quit. The 25i throws a curveball, when I close my eyes I cannot breath, and I have to time my blinking to maintain airflow. However, the pattern continues to complex, and I realize I can no longer inhale. My eyes slide closed, as I try to pull air in. I panic, I have a minute, maybe less to solve this fucked equation, or I will never see K, T, or W again. I focus, and think, I study this pattern harder than any test i've even taken in school; I see a resemblance emerging, I see a repeat in the cycle; I exploit it, pull air in, and break back through to the good side, the life side.
I slam my head on the floor to shake my self awake, I hear a strange yell, a moments clarity lets me see W ask "What's going on guys?!" I hit my head again to stay awake, blackout is now coming for me. I feel my hand close on my pants leg, knuckles crack and turn white, I try to say somethings wrong, but all I can manage is a glance at W, a look at T, and I finally hear a shout, as my body begins to seize.
From here on, I have perhaps a handful of memories, one being bloody hands and ankles from being cuffed to the stretcher, the paramedics failed to effectively restrain us, so they were forced to call in a police assist.
Another is feeling like I was being sunburned from the inside out for a stark few seconds, I later found out I had a second Grand Mal seizure, so I think this is what i'd attribute it to; I zoomed back to laying with T, W, and K, I see a symbolic representation of each friend; I solve the pattern, my body relaxes, I reach to a safe place, and trust that I will make it, K, T, and W would never lie, they'd never trick me. I force myself to accept they are in other's care now, there's nothing I can do for now. I must survive to do anything more. I slide the last puzzle piece in place, and a calm comes, I cry as I fade away from K, T, and W.
I woke up Saturday morning, and proceeded to rip out my trach tube, rendering me speechless (ha fucking ha) for a day or two. By mid week, Tuesday or Wednesday my memory was beginning to return, as the doses of Ativan and the other tranq they gave me were obscene, they said I broke cuffs on 8mg of ativan IM -__- (benzos usually floor me easily)
By Thursday I could hold a conversation, I had my x-ray done, broke my damn arms from my struggling and panic.
This experience has taught me a lot, but much of which, i'm afraid is internal, some things that cannot be put in words. I learned a lot about me, and how I think, and lastly, I learned I have some excellent friends; the others present quickly acted, and turned me on my side when I seize, to keep my lungs clear, they immeidately dialed 911, and maintained the situation like heroes until the ambulances arrived.
I think I will keep adding details as I find ways to describe the things I saw.
Thank you for your time, and remember to be careful with these chemicals. We got lucky, you might not have the odds so far in your favor. We can always dose more, but never dose less!
The day started out as a normal tripping weekend would, I woke friday, watched me some Pulp Fiction, facebooked a bit, played Dark Souls til my friends came to pick me up. They arrive at my house, shook up, talked excitedly a bit, I gave one friend, we'll call him T, a gift, a Xanax 1mg, that I had simply saved as an afterthought a few days prior. W is driving, and i'm laying across the backseat, we joke the whole way, having a good time.
We stop to scoop a friend who is of age to acquire some 190 proof alcohol for us, to mix up our batch that night. Everything goes well. We head back to out hometown, and stop off to get a few minor supplies; again, all is good.
We get back to the house and W begins to mix up the chemical, I watch, not as intently as I normally would though, as I was caught up in the group conversation (there were three others present as well, though not to trip on 25i). We mixed 20ml of water, 10ml of everclear, 900mg 25i, complexed with HPBCD, and stirred for a long while, then heated slightly; and let to sit. W had to run an errand, and departed, to return perhaps 45 minute later. It was right about sunset.
W returns, and we proceed to dose. I immediately became worried, as I knew this was something none of us had tried, and had felt better in the mindset, that I'll try it first and when i'm okay, and it's proven safe, that my friends dose as well. This, is not how it proceeded.
+0:00 one drop of solution in the left nostril, burns, no doubt between the everclear and the 25i
+0:01 vivid visuals, violent assualtive patterning, having difficulty making decisions
+0:02 I recognize with no doubt in my mind, i'll be lucky to survive this; i've had two previous fatal overdoses, and this has all the signs of my body complaining under the load of the chemical. I try to tell my friends hold off, don't dose. It's too late, I forget how to decide, my brain locks up, visuals swallow me, I see them dose and my heart hurts, because i'm scared they'll get hurt
+0:03 I fight as hard as I can to stay awake, it feels like hours since dosing
+0:04 I begin to go blind, I see in my thoughts, not out my eyes
+0:05 I enter what I thought to be my brain's interpretation of me dying:
I am laying on my back, my head in T's lap, my mind racing trying to figure out the pattern of the drug, trying to solve the equation so I can regain my ability to communicate, take control; I am supposed to be the druggie, the professional, I'm supposed to make it alright in these kindsa of situations, but I slipped up, now my friends might get hurt. I hold on to coherency with an iron grasp; I see my first three childhood friends sitting around me, K, W, and T, me still laying on T, (note, K is not actually present at the time) they seem to be trying to ask me what's wrong, but the drug is angry, it's fighting me, beating me up inside, violating receptors in my brain, trying to overdrive my heart. I resist my best; I catch my breath and try to figure out this cyclic pattern, visuals, physical waves, visuals, thought loops, electric surge, c'mon figure this out, you need to solve this, or you won't come back. I grow more scared, as I lose my ability to discern life from death, if I can't tell the difference, how do I fight for life? I've comtemplated and failed suicide, however, at this point in time, right now, I want to live. I see three friends, all caring, all a purpose for me to keep trudging on. I will not quit. The 25i throws a curveball, when I close my eyes I cannot breath, and I have to time my blinking to maintain airflow. However, the pattern continues to complex, and I realize I can no longer inhale. My eyes slide closed, as I try to pull air in. I panic, I have a minute, maybe less to solve this fucked equation, or I will never see K, T, or W again. I focus, and think, I study this pattern harder than any test i've even taken in school; I see a resemblance emerging, I see a repeat in the cycle; I exploit it, pull air in, and break back through to the good side, the life side.
I slam my head on the floor to shake my self awake, I hear a strange yell, a moments clarity lets me see W ask "What's going on guys?!" I hit my head again to stay awake, blackout is now coming for me. I feel my hand close on my pants leg, knuckles crack and turn white, I try to say somethings wrong, but all I can manage is a glance at W, a look at T, and I finally hear a shout, as my body begins to seize.
From here on, I have perhaps a handful of memories, one being bloody hands and ankles from being cuffed to the stretcher, the paramedics failed to effectively restrain us, so they were forced to call in a police assist.
Another is feeling like I was being sunburned from the inside out for a stark few seconds, I later found out I had a second Grand Mal seizure, so I think this is what i'd attribute it to; I zoomed back to laying with T, W, and K, I see a symbolic representation of each friend; I solve the pattern, my body relaxes, I reach to a safe place, and trust that I will make it, K, T, and W would never lie, they'd never trick me. I force myself to accept they are in other's care now, there's nothing I can do for now. I must survive to do anything more. I slide the last puzzle piece in place, and a calm comes, I cry as I fade away from K, T, and W.
I woke up Saturday morning, and proceeded to rip out my trach tube, rendering me speechless (ha fucking ha) for a day or two. By mid week, Tuesday or Wednesday my memory was beginning to return, as the doses of Ativan and the other tranq they gave me were obscene, they said I broke cuffs on 8mg of ativan IM -__- (benzos usually floor me easily)
By Thursday I could hold a conversation, I had my x-ray done, broke my damn arms from my struggling and panic.
This experience has taught me a lot, but much of which, i'm afraid is internal, some things that cannot be put in words. I learned a lot about me, and how I think, and lastly, I learned I have some excellent friends; the others present quickly acted, and turned me on my side when I seize, to keep my lungs clear, they immeidately dialed 911, and maintained the situation like heroes until the ambulances arrived.
I think I will keep adding details as I find ways to describe the things I saw.
Thank you for your time, and remember to be careful with these chemicals. We got lucky, you might not have the odds so far in your favor. We can always dose more, but never dose less!
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