Discussing difficult issues in therapy

[knock]

Mods, please move if this is the wrong place, I am not used to using TDS.


I have been seeing a therapist for three weeks now, in a one hour weekly session. It's been really good, she's easy to speak to and I've surprised myself at how much we've covered in this time.

But we're progressing to subjects I find difficult to talk about. Things that I am embarrassed about and that might affect her opinion of me negatively. Nothing terrible, just things about my past behaviour that I'm a bit ashamed of.

I want to know how people tackle this - getting over the embarrassment / fear of disapproval barrier. My therapist is "person-centred" and I believe this means she is non-judgemental and accepting but she's a human being, how do I know she won't judge me?

I'd appreciate either direct info here or pointers to any other sites/forums where I might get some reassurance or advice.

Cheers!

 

[Cohesion]

I have been in therapy weekly since last August.

I felt/feel similar things still with my therapist. My most 'embarrassing' things involve future plans for relationships and dating. I didn't talk about this until maybe January.

So it definitely takes time, at least in my case.

_______

Generally my session goes like this.
He asks questions/gets updates on so many little things in my life.
Then asks, was there anything you wanted to talk about today?

Every time we meet I walk there (15-20 min walk). At this time I put my finger on a specific issue and sometimes decide directly what I intend not to talk about. So really it is directed by me. If you have more personal issues you want feedback on I recommend writing, meditation, and bluelight.

 

[i against i]

you don't know if she will or won't judge you. and anyway, why does it matter? that is something for you to deal with, and this is something that you should talk about with her before immediately blurting out who you bum raped when you were 12 or whatever.

 

[Cohesion]

i against i What you say is true, and it sounds like OP realizes that it is his/her own insecurity. Which I think is a totally common experience. We know it is the therapist's job to be objective. Even still.

It is not about whether it "matters" or not, but it is what OP is feeling not deciding.

Also OP. How important is it to go into your history? A brief synopsis will do just fine, to build a sort of profile. In my humble opinion and experience if there are not PTSD issues, the past is the PAST. Best to you.

 

[knock]

OK I lol'd at the bum rape comment!

I am looking at all your posts, wondering what to make of them. So far, thanks!

EDIT So i against i, from your post I take that I should discuss the context of therapy with my therapist. Maybe my next session starts off with, how can I tell you things I don't really want to talk about?

 

[knock]

i against i What you say is true, and it sounds like OP realizes that it is his/her own insecurity. Which I think is a totally common experience. We know it is the therapist's job to be objective. Even still.

It is not about whether it "matters" or not, but it is what OP is feeling not deciding.

Also OP. How important is it to go into your history? A brief synopsis will do just fine, to build a sort of profile. In my humble opinion and experience if there are not PTSD issues, the past is the PAST. Best to you.

This is a difficult post to reply to, because it seems to go to the root of why I am seeing a therapist.

It's because of things that happened in the past.

So those things must be talked about.

The past is everything that makes up (goes towards... the substructure of...) the PRESENT. cause and effect.

Or have I misunderstood?

PS my next appointment is on monday so I have a few days to work this out in my head

 

[badfish45]

You're in therapy, this is what it's about. She came into that profession because she's there to hear the things you can't say. Yes, these things might change her perception of you, but she still stands in a professional stand point and it doesn't necessarily mean that she has a bad opinion of you from this. If you want to make progress in therapy you're going to need to be able to open up to her. You should not be afraid.

EDIT So i against i, from your post I take that I should discuss the context of therapy with my therapist. Maybe my next session starts off with, how can I tell you things I don't really want to talk about?

Yes. very much so. I know it's not an easy thing to do but I didn't feel better until I started to open up more to my psychologist and we actually gained a more personal relationship from doing so, and in the end I saw it as extremely beneficial in the end. Good luck

 

[Cohesion]

Yes perhaps I am speaking from the end-of-therapy. Where we are talking about the present and future a lot. I have worked through my past issues... So maybe I am not seeing from the beginning-of-therapy POV so properly.

Also I just need to add that I took 2x my Wellbutrin today so it seems I'm not really with it in the way I like to be.

 

[i against i]

So i against i, from your post I take that I should discuss the context of therapy with my therapist. Maybe my next session starts off with, how can I tell you things I don't really want to talk about?

yes. why not? judging by your laughter at bum rape comment i can assume what you have done isn't that bad, or it is and you have no soul. i know that some stuff is difficult to talk about, and you should talk about this "meta" therapy if you will, but the sooner you cut the bullshit and start be honest with why you're there the sooner you can deal with whatever demons you have. best of luck, it'll be worth it in the end for sure.

 

[knock]

mami don't belittle your input, it's good to hear what you have to say, all grist to the mill! It all goes into my thinking. Thank you.

badfish45 that's very useful thanks.

It's difficult because I'm sitting there with a person I have come to respect and I'm about to tell her things about me that make me lose respect for myself.

 

[knock]

yes. why not? judging by your laughter at bum rape comment i can assume what you have done isn't that bad, or it is and you have no soul. i know that some stuff is difficult to talk about, and you should talk about this "meta" therapy if you will, but the sooner you cut the bullshit and start be honest with why you're there the sooner you can deal with whatever demons you have. best of luck, it'll be worth it in the end for sure.

What I have done isn't that bad. I certainly have a soul! Perhaps part of my problem is I judge myself harshly. Who can say, morality is a chaos.

re cutting the bullshit, I'm there because I've felt suicidal then I acted on it, that's easy. Demons: I seem to be discovering demons all the time.

 

[Vaya]

Any therapeutic relationship is built on establishing positive rapport - the constructive give-and-take between caregiver and client - in order to achieve the best results.

I grew up seeing many different psychiatrists and psychologists of many schools of thought before I found the right one - You say your therapist is client-centered - does that mean that he or she subscribes to the school of Positive Psychology? If not, perhaps you could mean Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy?

That's all an aside, though. What really stood out to me about your post was this phrase:

...and I believe this means she is non-judgemental and accepting but she's a human being, how do I know she won't judge me?

If you only believe that she is non-judgmental and accepting, you'll probably never feel safe talking to her like the non-judgmental professional she ought to be. My suggestion based on my past experience is to ask her, point-blank, if she is willing to work with you on *any* issue(s) from your past, present or future. Actively listen to her response - many think that psychologists "have" to say yes to that question in order to keep their practice, professionalism and/or licensure, when in fact this is not the case. I went to my parents (who are both practicing clinical psychologists - it made for an interesting childhood ) with this question and their suggestion was this.

After you get that question out of the way, and if you still feel uncomfortable, first things first: Realize how utterly normal it is to feel uncomfortable admitting to another person some things that maybe we've had trouble admitting to ourselves. The point of therapy isn't to feel cushy and warm - at least, not all of the time. There are times when feeling perfectly at-peace is appropriate in the therapeutic process! So, too, are there times (arguably more numerous in earlier therapy) when feeling uncomfortable is unavoidable and is, in fact, beneficial! I spent so much of my life attempting to avoid discomfort and pain that I find, in hindsight, that I got very little out of my first several years in therapy.
Second, and possibly the more obvious of the two, if she appears to react in ways other than ones which would encourage you to go on sharing and working with her, address it in person. If the direct confrontation still does not resolve the issue, then I would probably switch therapists. This situation has occurred once in my life, but when I found someone better and with whom I felt I could disclose anything, therapy bore so much more fruit than I ever DREAMED it could!

Remember, OP, this is about you, so take all the measures you feel necessary to ensure that this is a healing, rather than damaging, experience for you!

My very best wishes

~ Vaya

 

[knock]

Any therapeutic relationship is built on establishing positive rapport - the constructive give-and-take between caregiver and client - in order to achieve the best results.

I grew up seeing many different psychiatrists and psychologists of many schools of thought before I found the right one - You say your therapist is client-centered - does that mean that he or she subscribes to the school of Positive Psychology? If not, perhaps you could mean Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy?

Actually I said she was person-centred, but that may be the same as client-centred, according to wikipedia. She has not mentioned positive psychology, the only other clue I have to her approach is her recommendation of a book about mindfulness techniques for depression.

That's all an aside, though. What really stood out to me about your post was this phrase:

...and I believe this means she is non-judgemental and accepting but she's a human being, how do I know she won't judge me?

If you only believe that she is non-judgmental and accepting, you'll probably never feel safe talking to her like the non-judgmental professional she ought to be. My suggestion based on my past experience is to ask her, point-blank, if she is willing to work with you on *any* issue(s) from your past, present or future. Actively listen to her response - many think that psychologists "have" to say yes to that question in order to keep their practice, professionalism and/or licensure, when in fact this is not the case. I went to my parents (who are both practicing clinical psychologists - it made for an interesting childhood ) with this question and their suggestion was this.

Right. My understanding of her clinical approach based on reading about it, is that she will be non-judgemental and accepting. My experience of her as a person is also that she is non-judgemental and accepting. But we've only covered what we have covered; if I were to tell her, for example, that I abuse children on weekends, then I can imagine that she might no longer be non-judgemental and accepting! I don't abuse children on weekends, you'll be glad to hear. But I have things to tell to her that are more shameful than what we've already covered, so until I've revealed those things and gauged her reaction I won't know that she'll be non-judgemental and accepting about them. But I suppose if she said to me, "Knockando, if you abuse children at weekends, that's fine by me" that might make me feel comfortable about discussing those things I am currently not sure about. Or maybe not! Is she really fine with child abuse? I suspect not. I'm not fine with child abuse! Although presumably it would be useful for a therapist to be fine talking about child abuse with someone who's problems include child abuse.

After you get that question out of the way, and if you still feel uncomfortable, first things first: Realize how utterly normal it is to feel uncomfortable admitting to another person some things that maybe we've had trouble admitting to ourselves. The point of therapy isn't to feel cushy and warm - at least, not all of the time. There are times when feeling perfectly at-peace is appropriate in the therapeutic process! So, too, are there times (arguably more numerous in earlier therapy) when feeling uncomfortable is unavoidable and is, in fact, beneficial! I spent so much of my life attempting to avoid discomfort and pain that I find, in hindsight, that I got very little out of my first several years in therapy.
Second, and possibly the more obvious of the two, if she appears to react in ways other than ones which would encourage you to go on sharing and working with her, address it in person. If the direct confrontation still does not resolve the issue, then I would probably switch therapists. This situation has occurred once in my life, but when I found someone better and with whom I felt I could disclose anything, therapy bore so much more fruit than I ever DREAMED it could!

Remember, OP, this is about you, so take all the measures you feel necessary to ensure that this is a healing, rather than damaging, experience for you!

My very best wishes

~ Vaya

OK. Thanks. This is very useful. I appreciate your words Vaya.

 

[Vaya]

No problem, knockando - also to clarify yes person-centered and client-centered are the same, "client-centered" is the preferred term (IIRC) within Positive Psychology but I understood what you meant. Apologies for that confusion!

~ Vaya