First Bad Comedown
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2010
- Messages
- 562
Its been a while since I've posted...
Been extremely busy with work/life.
But this shouldn't suggest that I am 'recovered' yet.
I'm still waiting for this nightmare of emptiness to end, and the cycles are SOOOO long now.
Some days I am surprised that I'm able to function at the level I do.
I no longer feel the urge to research and spew technical terms, which is actually a disappointment to me.
I wonder if I will ever be as analytical and sharp as I once was...
Perhaps I can try.
Regardless, I will weigh in on this thread for my buddy Folley.
It seems your thread has been reduced to a discussion about the vagus nerve alone, which is clearly not your original intent.
Perhaps I can draw that portion to a close.
The vagus nerve exits the brain from the medulla, and innervates several bodily organs - notably cardiac tissues, the digestive tract, and of course the cervix in women. Must be nice...
Rather than analyzing its numerous effects in the body, you could direct your attention to one particular region of the brain.
The PVN, or paraventricular nucleus of the hypothalamus.
As I have said many times, the hypothalamus is the site of both MDMA's magical effects and its neurotoxicity.
The hypothalamus is the relay station for sensory information from the body - connected to the higher brain (cortex).
The serotonin nerves that extend from the brainstem into the frontal lobes are the subject of great study - and the source of the world's most profitable psychiatric medications (SSRIs).
The PVN of the hypothalamus sends a dense set of nerve terminals into the dorsal motor nucleus of the vagus.
This is a cranial nerve branch which crawls through the body and serves parasympathetic functions in the intestines, lungs, adbodmen.
To restate this in English:
The relay station for sensory information in the higher brain (HYP) directly influences a large branch of the vagus nerve that innervates a large cranial/facial nerve and several organs throughout the body.
To those who are 'rolling face' - the cranial vagus nerve is absolutely 'involved'.
Is it the 'cause'?
In a sense, yes - because without this particular nerve the sensations could not be achieved.
It is the most direct cause and severing this nerve would likely eliminate many of the bodily effects of MDMA.
In another sense, the hypothalamus is the true cause - because it is the governor of this response.
Eliminate the PVN, and the cranial vagus nerve would receive nothing - regardless of the quantity of MDMA taken.
It would also eliminate MANY of the critical effects of MDMA - especially the release of oxytocin, vassopressin, and prolactin from the pituitary!
The pituitary and adrenal glands compose the 'endocrine system' and could certainly be argued as the true 'cause' of MDMA effects - and all other recreational drugs. Because these glands pump hormones into the bloodstream that have drastic effects on different pathways in the brain. Especially the dopaminergic system in the frontal lobes and the nucleus acumbens.
At the end of the day, NONE of these particular factors emerges as a sole 'cause'.
The pathways in the frontal lobes and limbic system must be functional for the endocrine system to effect them.
The pituitary and adrenal glands must be functional for these pathways to be affected.
So the relationship is circular.
This is the 'HPA axis' of hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis.
The connection between the body, mind, and thoughts.
And of course the HPA is controlled by the hypothalamus, the relay station for frontal lobe serotonin.
Is the HYP then the real commander of the entire cycle?
Of the brain's hormonal system?
If you had to pick a single location as the 'cause', this would be it.
At least in the brain...
The hypothalamus controls the endocrine response to MDMA - extreme release of cortisol, followed by the 'magical' effects of oxytocin and prolactin. Because serotonin inhibits dopamine, and prolactin and dopamine never occur together naturally for more then a few moments... MDMA breaks a primary rule of brain hormone balance.
As serotonin begins declining (with cortisol) about 90 minutes after dosing, dopamine is allowed to SURGE in the frontal lobes and limbic pleasure center (nucleus acumbens). Since the hypothalamus directs the pituitary to release prolactin at the same time that dopamine is spiking, a sensation that could be described as an extended orgasm occurs.
Isn't that what sex feels like right after the peak? Like you are cumming the entire time!
Back on track.
The hypothalamus is the root cause, in the brain, of all MDMA's effects.
This includes adrenal, pituitary, dopamine, and vagal responses.
Interesting, since serotonin does not originate in the hypothalamus...
Even in the brain, the root of all serotonin nerves is the Raphe Nucleus in the brainstem.
It is an ancient structure and communicates directly with the Super Chiasmatic Nucleus, which receives information from the eyes. Sunlight exposure literally increases serotonin activity in the brain.
But the real effects of MDMA point to the hypothalamus - which sits in front of the brainstem and behind the frontal lobes.
It is truly one of the most powerful brain regions, despite its small size.
If the 'soul' had a location - it would be the hypothalamus.
In my humble opinion.
But wait!
Serotonin does NOT originate in the brainstem either!
The 'serum' that 'tones' the intestines is just that - a neurotransmitter that evolved in the intestinal tract first.
About 90% of ALL serotonin and serotonin receptors are located in the intestines.
They serve to contract the vast array of smooth muscles surrounding the GI.
Serotonin also contracts other smooth muscles throughout the body, including the uterus in women (who experience a drop in brain serotonin during PMS).
But NO smooth muscle in the body approaches the size of the intestines, which is really a set of organs.
They are gifted with more nerves and blood vessels than any other 'organ' in the body.
And they indeed have their OWN NERVOUS SYSTEM - giving rise to the term 'second brain'.
Gastroenterologists will tell you that the intestines are far more complicated and far more IMPORTANT to overall health (esp. emotional) than most people could imagine.
Let me go back to the vagus nerve for a moment...
It was most fascinating during the first YEAR of recovery from MDMA neurotoxicity - I felt CONSTANT sensations crawling around my face and scalp! At times it felt like a tickle, other times like mini seizures localized in very small muscles. Some days I didn't mind it, but others it drove me absolutely CRAZY. It would go on for up to 12 hours a day, for WEEKS in a row. The stimulation of this cranial nerve was directly related to the dopamine imbalance that I know was happening.
One end of the spectrum is boredom, but the other end is true suicidal/homicidal desperation.
It is no surprise to me that some people on SSRIs go absolutely insane and murder people or kill themselves - Columbine HS, Virginia Tech, Fort Hood (to name a few).
It took 13 months for the worst 'head-pressure' and cranial nerve stimulation to subside.
But even now at nearly 18 months, I still get it from time to time.
Although I have become a zen master at ignoring it.
The hypothalamus is hyper-innervated during 'recovery' from MDMA neurotoxicity.
And since serotonin in the frontal lobes has powerful effects upon dopamine, this is the likely cause of psychological suffering among certain MDMA users. And plenty of them describe sensations such as 'my face is being pulled on'.
Doctors give them a label without even the most basic understanding of the intestine-hypothalamus-cranial connection that I have laid out here.
Indeed, ALL of my cranial stimulation via the vagus nerve was DIRECTLY linked to digestion.
Every. Single. Time.
That's right - every minute of every hour, from the first minutes of serotonin syndrome when I thought my stomach was going to RUPTURE and destroy my liver...to the endless months that followed...the sensations felt on my face and scalp occurred during movement in the intestines (however subtle).
And 'subtle' is the key word, aside from the first few weeks.
I used to think that my intestines only moved at certain times, that digestion occurred at specific moments.
You would have the release of digestive enzymes, the breakdown and absorption of food, and then a period of movement.
Then it would sit still until the next cycle. Right?
WRONG.
What I have learned; what I could never have known without this experience....is that the intestines are CONSTANTLY in motion. Nearly every moment of the day. Every day for the entirety of your life, something is dragging across the villi in your intestines - raking against the countless nerves in your 'second brain'.
This is why MDMA has powerful effects regardless of the ROA used.
Once the molecule is in the bloodstream, the constant activity in the intestines below transform its effects in the brain!
Moments of less movement surely occur, especially if food intake is reduced.
Indeed, the first month of my experience made eating IMPOSSIBLE and I lost about 35 pounds in three weeks.
The first week was a great relief - I felt normal because my intestines were not required to function.
My neurological problems, including vagal cranial stimulation were completely shut off through starvation.
If anything, my cognitive function was vastly increased.
I didn't mind the starvation during the first week.
And I was certain my problem was some type of injury to my intestines and had nothing to do with the brain.
Check out my first and only thread!
But during week two and three, I slowly began to realize the horrible truth: I had damaged the vast connection between the brain and gut, between '2 worlds'.
'Brain damage' has never been an adequate description of this experience.
More like 'soul destruction'.
What is the soul, if not the connection between the body and mind?
And if this is true, then isn't the 'soul' really located in the 'serum' that 'tones' the intestines?
Isn't this the real reason that MDMA has become the world's most popular and 'magical' drug experience?
Those first few weeks saw me crying over bowls of apple sauce and liquid rice water.
Think about that.
I was terrified of eating, yet desperate to do so.
It is the strangest thing that happens to a starving person - at first the body adjusts.
The second week of starvation is actually easier than the first.
But during week 3 you begin to change, and beyond this you start to break down mentally.
I was mourning my own death.
I literally awoke to my own funeral every single day for the first three months!
I cannot express the truth of this statement in words - it must be experienced to be understood.
I have never felt as empty and terrified in my life, nor could I ever again.
Yet I was still intelligent despite my desperation.
The suffering seemed to be primarily emotional.
Although certain aspects of cognition, especially those tied to patience and self-regulation were harmed, much of my cognitive power was enhanced by my suffering.
Now, as the worst of the suffering is long behind me, the cognitive changes have set in.
They did not even begin until 13 months had passed!
All the vagal sensations, altered intestinal function, and emotional turmoil did not spell a real change in my personality.
Not until they started to go away.
The last four months have truly changed who I am.
And although I still resemble my former self, I am forced to conclude that the old me may never rise again.
To the outside world I am quite similar - both to those who know me in real life and those reading this post.
But on the inside, I am not ME anymore.
There really was a death.
A loss of self.
I had the emotional realization very early on that this was going to happen, yet I didn't really understand it.
I wanted to and thought I could.
I thought that figuring out enough research could somehow guide me to a more meaningful recovery.
Looking back I realize that although I learned a lot and have helped others, there was little that could be done to alter the course of recovery. No en-devour more greatly impacted my recovery than physical exercise, healthy diet, and especially ANGER.
In fact the expression of anxiety and rage would make incredible neurological changes, which I would feel for WEEKS afterwards. Each time I had an outburst I felt dizzy yet relieved.
The next day I felt stupid, like my cognitive powers had been taken down several notches.
But in the weeks that followed I would feel some of them return, along with a restoration of bodily sensation.
I would get warm tingly sensations on my arms, legs, thighs.
Which were VERY welcome as I had felt dead, cold, and empty since day one.
So there was a trade off - as my mind slowly crumbled, my body-mind connection improved.
What is most incredible of all is that this cycle has continued endlessly, day after day - week after week - month after month! In the beginning the cycles were SO short, maybe 3 days of intense suffering followed by 1 or 2 days of absolute relief. Then it became 5 days to 1. Then 2 weeks to 1.
The suffering tapered down with each passing month, but the cognitive changes kept piling up.
Although many of them would dissolve or disappear nearly completely, there was always a remainder...a residue of change.
And it took over a year for the remainders to add up to something substantial.
The most fascinating component is my ability to sit at this keyboard and communicate this to you right now.
The ongoing cycle of change has been so vast so relentless that I am shocked to even resemble my former self! Based on what I experienced I should be a drooling retard right now!
But I'm not.
And on my occasional good days, I still feel like the old me...if only for a few hours.
But then I eat again.
The entire process, my BL friends, is controlled by the intestines.
The 'brain damage' of MDMA is the intestines rewiring the brain.
And the connection between these 2 worlds literally defines your emotional self.
The technical explanation would involve the terms HPA axis and frontal lobe dopamine transmission.
But they simply fail to describe the true nature of what is happening.
Just as the endless articles on MDMA available on the internet fail to describe what the drug is doing.
When you take MDMA, you are 'damaging' or 're-wiring' the highest regions of your brain (PFC) to the intestines.
When this occurs your HPA releases an impossible mixture of hormones and you are allowed to experience, to glimpse the true magic of the soul. The 'brain-gut' connection.
MDMA is defined as a 'potent neurotoxin' by many medical journals.
It has been firmly established that in primate brains, serotonin nerves will regenerate in the frontal lobes but will not survive. They collapse and hyper-innervate the hypothalamus.
At 18 months 'recovery' the hypothalamus was observed to have TWICE the serotonin axonal density vs. controls.
Why this happens is not understood.
Why can't the frontal lobes allow the new axons to survive?
Why does serotonin so strongly impact dopamine in the higher brain? And the HPA function for the entire brain?
Why does the hypothalamus fall victim to MDMA most toxic effects?
And most importantly, how does the brain manage at least a partial recovery of frontal lobe serotonin despite the obvious loss?
After seven years it is rather clear that the frontal and prefrontal regions did not regain anything CLOSE to their original density of serotonin. So many young MDMA users criticize Riccaurte's efforts without respecting the true data that was established through his very expensive and enduring efforts.
The intestines will never attach themselves to the higher brain in the same way for me.
And the HPA will never regain its original function as a result - which has a profound impact on the experience of daily life.
And upon one's identity, one's ego.
But they will not stop trying, either.
The "2 worlds" will keep dancing this horrible dance until some ultimate conclusion is reached.
And one day a new person shall emerge.
Isn't each MDMA experience like a 'tiny death' followed by a resurrection?
I will repeat my warning to any new MDMA user that is willing to listen:
"Do NOT re-dose."
Re-dosing is used in ALL rodent and primate research that is intended to investigate the effects of neurotoxicity.
Multiple doses, especially given on consecutive days, ensures permanent changes to the brain's most dense neurotransmitter system.
And the greatest cognitive changes wrought by MDMA use are not apparent for many months of 'recovery'.
Only very long-term abstinence will truly reveal what you have done to your highest evolved brain pathways.
To your visceral self.
So roll carefully.
Respect the drug - take reasonable doses.
And space them generously.
And avoid smoking pot daily - because heavy cannabis users have repeatedly been shown to suffer more than other MDMA users. This was certainly the case for me.
I strongly doubt that I would have suffered 'serotonin syndrome' without a decade of smoking weed first.
My MDMA use was laughable and brief compared to the stories seen on BL.
No risk factor more strongly influenced my eventual 'brain damage' or 'soul destruction' than cannabis.
I know this to be true and wish that I could express effectively to the millions of younger MDMA users across the world.
The 'serum' that 'tones' the smooth muscle of the intestines is linked to a wide variety of digestive, psychiatric, and neurological disorders. Including:
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Crohn's Disease
ulcers and ulcerative colitis
gastroparesis (see BL member Altered Perception)
anorexia/bulemia
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Bi-polar Disorder I and II
Depression (esp. severe)
Psychotic Disorders, such as schizophrenia
Migraines and severe migraines known as 'cluster headaches'
Strokes
This is a small list.
And 'linked' is not adequate, as serotonin (or a receptor type) is implicated as a primary cause in many of these illnesses.
What is fascinating to learn is that many of the digestive disorders lead to profound and intense emotional suffering that mimics the depressive and psychotic disorders. And many depressed or psychotic patients will describe altered intestinal motility and strange sensations in their gut.
In some cases, low-dose serotonin 2a agonism through mushrooms or LSD has been shown to improve the symptoms and impact the well-being of some of the patients. This is not intended to encourage drug use in any way, but rather to firmly establish a link between serotonin receptors in the brain and each of these disorders.
And the brain only houses ten percent of the body's serotonin supply!
Yet it is the most dense and intricate of all neurotransmitter systems.
It strongly influences small blood vessels and likely plays a critical role in the even distribution of blood around the brain.
Without even blood perfusion, both the effects of drugs and pituitary hormones (HPA) cannot reach all necessary brain pathways.
The brain evolved around the intestines, so the 'second' brain is really the one in your head.
Taking serotonergic drugs, be they SSRIs anti-depressants, psylosibin, Lysergic acid diethylamide, peyote, San Pedro, mescaline (closest natural molecule to MDMA), and of course methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine...
All of these take advantage of the circuitry that evolved between the intestines and brain.
So respect them greatly.
Or risk joining the vast array of people suffering from serotonin related illnesses.
Especially if you are a fan of the last one of the list, and the most neurotoxic of them all.
I hope this helps, Folley.
Until next time...
FBC
Been extremely busy with work/life.
But this shouldn't suggest that I am 'recovered' yet.
I'm still waiting for this nightmare of emptiness to end, and the cycles are SOOOO long now.
Some days I am surprised that I'm able to function at the level I do.
I no longer feel the urge to research and spew technical terms, which is actually a disappointment to me.
I wonder if I will ever be as analytical and sharp as I once was...
Perhaps I can try.
Regardless, I will weigh in on this thread for my buddy Folley.
It seems your thread has been reduced to a discussion about the vagus nerve alone, which is clearly not your original intent.
Perhaps I can draw that portion to a close.
The vagus nerve exits the brain from the medulla, and innervates several bodily organs - notably cardiac tissues, the digestive tract, and of course the cervix in women. Must be nice...
Rather than analyzing its numerous effects in the body, you could direct your attention to one particular region of the brain.
The PVN, or paraventricular nucleus of the hypothalamus.
As I have said many times, the hypothalamus is the site of both MDMA's magical effects and its neurotoxicity.
The hypothalamus is the relay station for sensory information from the body - connected to the higher brain (cortex).
The serotonin nerves that extend from the brainstem into the frontal lobes are the subject of great study - and the source of the world's most profitable psychiatric medications (SSRIs).
The PVN of the hypothalamus sends a dense set of nerve terminals into the dorsal motor nucleus of the vagus.
This is a cranial nerve branch which crawls through the body and serves parasympathetic functions in the intestines, lungs, adbodmen.
To restate this in English:
The relay station for sensory information in the higher brain (HYP) directly influences a large branch of the vagus nerve that innervates a large cranial/facial nerve and several organs throughout the body.
To those who are 'rolling face' - the cranial vagus nerve is absolutely 'involved'.
Is it the 'cause'?
In a sense, yes - because without this particular nerve the sensations could not be achieved.
It is the most direct cause and severing this nerve would likely eliminate many of the bodily effects of MDMA.
In another sense, the hypothalamus is the true cause - because it is the governor of this response.
Eliminate the PVN, and the cranial vagus nerve would receive nothing - regardless of the quantity of MDMA taken.
It would also eliminate MANY of the critical effects of MDMA - especially the release of oxytocin, vassopressin, and prolactin from the pituitary!
The pituitary and adrenal glands compose the 'endocrine system' and could certainly be argued as the true 'cause' of MDMA effects - and all other recreational drugs. Because these glands pump hormones into the bloodstream that have drastic effects on different pathways in the brain. Especially the dopaminergic system in the frontal lobes and the nucleus acumbens.
At the end of the day, NONE of these particular factors emerges as a sole 'cause'.
The pathways in the frontal lobes and limbic system must be functional for the endocrine system to effect them.
The pituitary and adrenal glands must be functional for these pathways to be affected.
So the relationship is circular.
This is the 'HPA axis' of hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis.
The connection between the body, mind, and thoughts.
And of course the HPA is controlled by the hypothalamus, the relay station for frontal lobe serotonin.
Is the HYP then the real commander of the entire cycle?
Of the brain's hormonal system?
If you had to pick a single location as the 'cause', this would be it.
At least in the brain...
The hypothalamus controls the endocrine response to MDMA - extreme release of cortisol, followed by the 'magical' effects of oxytocin and prolactin. Because serotonin inhibits dopamine, and prolactin and dopamine never occur together naturally for more then a few moments... MDMA breaks a primary rule of brain hormone balance.
As serotonin begins declining (with cortisol) about 90 minutes after dosing, dopamine is allowed to SURGE in the frontal lobes and limbic pleasure center (nucleus acumbens). Since the hypothalamus directs the pituitary to release prolactin at the same time that dopamine is spiking, a sensation that could be described as an extended orgasm occurs.
Isn't that what sex feels like right after the peak? Like you are cumming the entire time!
Back on track.
The hypothalamus is the root cause, in the brain, of all MDMA's effects.
This includes adrenal, pituitary, dopamine, and vagal responses.
Interesting, since serotonin does not originate in the hypothalamus...
Even in the brain, the root of all serotonin nerves is the Raphe Nucleus in the brainstem.
It is an ancient structure and communicates directly with the Super Chiasmatic Nucleus, which receives information from the eyes. Sunlight exposure literally increases serotonin activity in the brain.
But the real effects of MDMA point to the hypothalamus - which sits in front of the brainstem and behind the frontal lobes.
It is truly one of the most powerful brain regions, despite its small size.
If the 'soul' had a location - it would be the hypothalamus.
In my humble opinion.
But wait!
Serotonin does NOT originate in the brainstem either!
The 'serum' that 'tones' the intestines is just that - a neurotransmitter that evolved in the intestinal tract first.
About 90% of ALL serotonin and serotonin receptors are located in the intestines.
They serve to contract the vast array of smooth muscles surrounding the GI.
Serotonin also contracts other smooth muscles throughout the body, including the uterus in women (who experience a drop in brain serotonin during PMS).
But NO smooth muscle in the body approaches the size of the intestines, which is really a set of organs.
They are gifted with more nerves and blood vessels than any other 'organ' in the body.
And they indeed have their OWN NERVOUS SYSTEM - giving rise to the term 'second brain'.
Gastroenterologists will tell you that the intestines are far more complicated and far more IMPORTANT to overall health (esp. emotional) than most people could imagine.
Let me go back to the vagus nerve for a moment...
It was most fascinating during the first YEAR of recovery from MDMA neurotoxicity - I felt CONSTANT sensations crawling around my face and scalp! At times it felt like a tickle, other times like mini seizures localized in very small muscles. Some days I didn't mind it, but others it drove me absolutely CRAZY. It would go on for up to 12 hours a day, for WEEKS in a row. The stimulation of this cranial nerve was directly related to the dopamine imbalance that I know was happening.
One end of the spectrum is boredom, but the other end is true suicidal/homicidal desperation.
It is no surprise to me that some people on SSRIs go absolutely insane and murder people or kill themselves - Columbine HS, Virginia Tech, Fort Hood (to name a few).
It took 13 months for the worst 'head-pressure' and cranial nerve stimulation to subside.
But even now at nearly 18 months, I still get it from time to time.
Although I have become a zen master at ignoring it.
The hypothalamus is hyper-innervated during 'recovery' from MDMA neurotoxicity.
And since serotonin in the frontal lobes has powerful effects upon dopamine, this is the likely cause of psychological suffering among certain MDMA users. And plenty of them describe sensations such as 'my face is being pulled on'.
Doctors give them a label without even the most basic understanding of the intestine-hypothalamus-cranial connection that I have laid out here.
Indeed, ALL of my cranial stimulation via the vagus nerve was DIRECTLY linked to digestion.
Every. Single. Time.
That's right - every minute of every hour, from the first minutes of serotonin syndrome when I thought my stomach was going to RUPTURE and destroy my liver...to the endless months that followed...the sensations felt on my face and scalp occurred during movement in the intestines (however subtle).
And 'subtle' is the key word, aside from the first few weeks.
I used to think that my intestines only moved at certain times, that digestion occurred at specific moments.
You would have the release of digestive enzymes, the breakdown and absorption of food, and then a period of movement.
Then it would sit still until the next cycle. Right?
WRONG.
What I have learned; what I could never have known without this experience....is that the intestines are CONSTANTLY in motion. Nearly every moment of the day. Every day for the entirety of your life, something is dragging across the villi in your intestines - raking against the countless nerves in your 'second brain'.
This is why MDMA has powerful effects regardless of the ROA used.
Once the molecule is in the bloodstream, the constant activity in the intestines below transform its effects in the brain!
Moments of less movement surely occur, especially if food intake is reduced.
Indeed, the first month of my experience made eating IMPOSSIBLE and I lost about 35 pounds in three weeks.
The first week was a great relief - I felt normal because my intestines were not required to function.
My neurological problems, including vagal cranial stimulation were completely shut off through starvation.
If anything, my cognitive function was vastly increased.
I didn't mind the starvation during the first week.
And I was certain my problem was some type of injury to my intestines and had nothing to do with the brain.
Check out my first and only thread!
But during week two and three, I slowly began to realize the horrible truth: I had damaged the vast connection between the brain and gut, between '2 worlds'.
'Brain damage' has never been an adequate description of this experience.
More like 'soul destruction'.
What is the soul, if not the connection between the body and mind?
And if this is true, then isn't the 'soul' really located in the 'serum' that 'tones' the intestines?
Isn't this the real reason that MDMA has become the world's most popular and 'magical' drug experience?
Those first few weeks saw me crying over bowls of apple sauce and liquid rice water.
Think about that.
I was terrified of eating, yet desperate to do so.
It is the strangest thing that happens to a starving person - at first the body adjusts.
The second week of starvation is actually easier than the first.
But during week 3 you begin to change, and beyond this you start to break down mentally.
I was mourning my own death.
I literally awoke to my own funeral every single day for the first three months!
I cannot express the truth of this statement in words - it must be experienced to be understood.
I have never felt as empty and terrified in my life, nor could I ever again.
Yet I was still intelligent despite my desperation.
The suffering seemed to be primarily emotional.
Although certain aspects of cognition, especially those tied to patience and self-regulation were harmed, much of my cognitive power was enhanced by my suffering.
Now, as the worst of the suffering is long behind me, the cognitive changes have set in.
They did not even begin until 13 months had passed!
All the vagal sensations, altered intestinal function, and emotional turmoil did not spell a real change in my personality.
Not until they started to go away.
The last four months have truly changed who I am.
And although I still resemble my former self, I am forced to conclude that the old me may never rise again.
To the outside world I am quite similar - both to those who know me in real life and those reading this post.
But on the inside, I am not ME anymore.
There really was a death.
A loss of self.
I had the emotional realization very early on that this was going to happen, yet I didn't really understand it.
I wanted to and thought I could.
I thought that figuring out enough research could somehow guide me to a more meaningful recovery.
Looking back I realize that although I learned a lot and have helped others, there was little that could be done to alter the course of recovery. No en-devour more greatly impacted my recovery than physical exercise, healthy diet, and especially ANGER.
In fact the expression of anxiety and rage would make incredible neurological changes, which I would feel for WEEKS afterwards. Each time I had an outburst I felt dizzy yet relieved.
The next day I felt stupid, like my cognitive powers had been taken down several notches.
But in the weeks that followed I would feel some of them return, along with a restoration of bodily sensation.
I would get warm tingly sensations on my arms, legs, thighs.
Which were VERY welcome as I had felt dead, cold, and empty since day one.
So there was a trade off - as my mind slowly crumbled, my body-mind connection improved.
What is most incredible of all is that this cycle has continued endlessly, day after day - week after week - month after month! In the beginning the cycles were SO short, maybe 3 days of intense suffering followed by 1 or 2 days of absolute relief. Then it became 5 days to 1. Then 2 weeks to 1.
The suffering tapered down with each passing month, but the cognitive changes kept piling up.
Although many of them would dissolve or disappear nearly completely, there was always a remainder...a residue of change.
And it took over a year for the remainders to add up to something substantial.
The most fascinating component is my ability to sit at this keyboard and communicate this to you right now.
The ongoing cycle of change has been so vast so relentless that I am shocked to even resemble my former self! Based on what I experienced I should be a drooling retard right now!
But I'm not.
And on my occasional good days, I still feel like the old me...if only for a few hours.
But then I eat again.
The entire process, my BL friends, is controlled by the intestines.
The 'brain damage' of MDMA is the intestines rewiring the brain.
And the connection between these 2 worlds literally defines your emotional self.
The technical explanation would involve the terms HPA axis and frontal lobe dopamine transmission.
But they simply fail to describe the true nature of what is happening.
Just as the endless articles on MDMA available on the internet fail to describe what the drug is doing.
When you take MDMA, you are 'damaging' or 're-wiring' the highest regions of your brain (PFC) to the intestines.
When this occurs your HPA releases an impossible mixture of hormones and you are allowed to experience, to glimpse the true magic of the soul. The 'brain-gut' connection.
MDMA is defined as a 'potent neurotoxin' by many medical journals.
It has been firmly established that in primate brains, serotonin nerves will regenerate in the frontal lobes but will not survive. They collapse and hyper-innervate the hypothalamus.
At 18 months 'recovery' the hypothalamus was observed to have TWICE the serotonin axonal density vs. controls.
Why this happens is not understood.
Why can't the frontal lobes allow the new axons to survive?
Why does serotonin so strongly impact dopamine in the higher brain? And the HPA function for the entire brain?
Why does the hypothalamus fall victim to MDMA most toxic effects?
And most importantly, how does the brain manage at least a partial recovery of frontal lobe serotonin despite the obvious loss?
After seven years it is rather clear that the frontal and prefrontal regions did not regain anything CLOSE to their original density of serotonin. So many young MDMA users criticize Riccaurte's efforts without respecting the true data that was established through his very expensive and enduring efforts.
The intestines will never attach themselves to the higher brain in the same way for me.
And the HPA will never regain its original function as a result - which has a profound impact on the experience of daily life.
And upon one's identity, one's ego.
But they will not stop trying, either.
The "2 worlds" will keep dancing this horrible dance until some ultimate conclusion is reached.
And one day a new person shall emerge.
Isn't each MDMA experience like a 'tiny death' followed by a resurrection?
I will repeat my warning to any new MDMA user that is willing to listen:
"Do NOT re-dose."
Re-dosing is used in ALL rodent and primate research that is intended to investigate the effects of neurotoxicity.
Multiple doses, especially given on consecutive days, ensures permanent changes to the brain's most dense neurotransmitter system.
And the greatest cognitive changes wrought by MDMA use are not apparent for many months of 'recovery'.
Only very long-term abstinence will truly reveal what you have done to your highest evolved brain pathways.
To your visceral self.
So roll carefully.
Respect the drug - take reasonable doses.
And space them generously.
And avoid smoking pot daily - because heavy cannabis users have repeatedly been shown to suffer more than other MDMA users. This was certainly the case for me.
I strongly doubt that I would have suffered 'serotonin syndrome' without a decade of smoking weed first.
My MDMA use was laughable and brief compared to the stories seen on BL.
No risk factor more strongly influenced my eventual 'brain damage' or 'soul destruction' than cannabis.
I know this to be true and wish that I could express effectively to the millions of younger MDMA users across the world.
The 'serum' that 'tones' the smooth muscle of the intestines is linked to a wide variety of digestive, psychiatric, and neurological disorders. Including:
Irritable Bowel Syndrome
Crohn's Disease
ulcers and ulcerative colitis
gastroparesis (see BL member Altered Perception)
anorexia/bulemia
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Bi-polar Disorder I and II
Depression (esp. severe)
Psychotic Disorders, such as schizophrenia
Migraines and severe migraines known as 'cluster headaches'
Strokes
This is a small list.
And 'linked' is not adequate, as serotonin (or a receptor type) is implicated as a primary cause in many of these illnesses.
What is fascinating to learn is that many of the digestive disorders lead to profound and intense emotional suffering that mimics the depressive and psychotic disorders. And many depressed or psychotic patients will describe altered intestinal motility and strange sensations in their gut.
In some cases, low-dose serotonin 2a agonism through mushrooms or LSD has been shown to improve the symptoms and impact the well-being of some of the patients. This is not intended to encourage drug use in any way, but rather to firmly establish a link between serotonin receptors in the brain and each of these disorders.
And the brain only houses ten percent of the body's serotonin supply!
Yet it is the most dense and intricate of all neurotransmitter systems.
It strongly influences small blood vessels and likely plays a critical role in the even distribution of blood around the brain.
Without even blood perfusion, both the effects of drugs and pituitary hormones (HPA) cannot reach all necessary brain pathways.
The brain evolved around the intestines, so the 'second' brain is really the one in your head.
Taking serotonergic drugs, be they SSRIs anti-depressants, psylosibin, Lysergic acid diethylamide, peyote, San Pedro, mescaline (closest natural molecule to MDMA), and of course methylenedioxy-N-methylamphetamine...
All of these take advantage of the circuitry that evolved between the intestines and brain.
So respect them greatly.
Or risk joining the vast array of people suffering from serotonin related illnesses.
Especially if you are a fan of the last one of the list, and the most neurotoxic of them all.
I hope this helps, Folley.
Until next time...
FBC
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
