Hey all, I'm an opiate addict, since I was 17 I'm 21 now. And I've tried quitting plenty of times usually the two week mark I always end up going back in. But for the first time I actually wanted to quit for myself. I spent a week in Colorado on vacation with no pills just a little sub so I wouldnt wd. And I remembered my life before pills. I was so happy that whole week without the slightest thought of using. I remembered how I could have fun and laugh just by the daily rigorum I numbed out so long ago. I came back to Cali with this vision of my future no pills just being happy living and going out like Colorado. I was on my last 1.5 mg of subs I split into 3 days worth of .5 I was scared that the subs is Wat made normal and as soon as I got off I would relapse again. (btw I had five subs I tapered down for 3 weeks prior) sure enough my first day sober I had wds but not like before. I thought for a minute to get one last sub taper smaller make it easier, of course my mind would want but I kept all the little things I got from colorado in my truck and stared at it, and remembered what I wanted so bad, a normal life again. Well I didn't get another sub, and Im on my 5th day sober and I feel fantastic, I havent craved an opiate, this is a first for me I always want some when I quit. Instead I day dream about being happy about that week in Colorado when I was such a colorful person just by myself alone. And I gotta sAy since then I've been happy as hell and looking forward to a new life. I use to mark an x on the calendar for every day sober. I don't keep count anymore, I don't say just for today, for the first time in my lIfe I made a commitment and actually said aloud to myself I'm quitting forever and I didn't cringe at the thought but I embraced it. I used to say I can't say never cause I don't know, but truly I believe I'm done now and it really is a beautiful feeling.
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Gettin sober for me
- Thread starter Vomit fox
- Start date
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
This is a beautiful thing to read. I am so happy for you - chase this feeling 
You need to give yourself credit for the incredible strength it took to get you to even 24 hours of being sober! It is so difficult. The selfish part of me wonders why getting sober hasn't been that easy for me, but I'm rounding six months now and know how to spot my abnormal thinking
I have most certainly found, as have you, that in order to stay sober the initial effort had to originate from within oneself; often, of their own initiation and certainly of their own desire to be sober. And reuniting with the real you is one of those feelings best left to experience, as words fail to capture it.
Congratulations - I'm really proud of you, Vomit fox! (interesting username! :D )
~ Vaya
You need to give yourself credit for the incredible strength it took to get you to even 24 hours of being sober! It is so difficult. The selfish part of me wonders why getting sober hasn't been that easy for me, but I'm rounding six months now and know how to spot my abnormal thinking
I have most certainly found, as have you, that in order to stay sober the initial effort had to originate from within oneself; often, of their own initiation and certainly of their own desire to be sober. And reuniting with the real you is one of those feelings best left to experience, as words fail to capture it.
Congratulations - I'm really proud of you, Vomit fox! (interesting username! :D )
~ Vaya
Thanks I lost my way so long ago it feels like and Ive read hundreds of stories but actually understand what everyone is chasing, and if I can chase it long enough, I'll be too far from that dark place I was and it'll be just a memory. I'm astounded by 6 months congratulations truly an accomplishment, it's always lovely to see its possible to achieve those things.
I lost my way so long ago it feels like and Ive read hundreds of stories but actually understand what everyone is chasing, and if I can chase it long enough, I'll be too far from that dark place I was and it'll be just a memory. I'm astounded by 6 months congratulations truly an accomplishment, it's always lovely to see its possible to achieve those things.
ratgirldjh
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2008
- Messages
- 109
congratulations! you finally got to the point of wanting to quit!
like the OP said - chase this feeling! this is great!
and you can do it! keep up the good work. this had done me much good to read this post today since my rat relapsed after 12 years sober
and is in the process of tapering at this moment.
well done!
like the OP said - chase this feeling! this is great!
and you can do it! keep up the good work. this had done me much good to read this post today since my rat relapsed after 12 years sober
and is in the process of tapering at this moment.
well done!
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
There is nothing like being alone in the wilderness to remind you what life can be (I might be making an assumption there but it sounds like what you did). Congratulations on your resolve, your joy and your clear thinking.
No your assumption was right on the spot haha a little town in the middle of no where the beautiful rockies to my right and flat land to my left. Being around people who knew me as Kevin their daughters bf, not Kevin the recovering addict. It felt so nice truly like I was never an addict before. I'll never forget my past as it made me the man I am now, but I definitely will leave it as the past and so it wot effect my future. I smile more now than I did before my addiction, guess I've started earning the right to appreciate life, it's not a given right you earn it through trials and tribulations I'm well on my way
haha a little town in the middle of no where the beautiful rockies to my right and flat land to my left. Being around people who knew me as Kevin their daughters bf, not Kevin the recovering addict. It felt so nice truly like I was never an addict before. I'll never forget my past as it made me the man I am now, but I definitely will leave it as the past and so it wot effect my future. I smile more now than I did before my addiction, guess I've started earning the right to appreciate life, it's not a given right you earn it through trials and tribulations I'm well on my way 
motherofearth
Bluelighter
Vomit Fox your attitude is an inspiration for me. Thank you for your account.
No problem actually makes me feel better knowing it means something to someone. I was so sucked into the thought that I'll never have my old life back, that I just gotta stop thinking about the good ol times, and just live with the fact it's irreversible. And up until 2 weeks and 3 days ago I would've said the same thing. Im sure it's different for everyone, a trip to the wilderness won't have the same effect on everyone, but try an do whatever you can to feel that genuine happiness that only comes from your heart. I'm not a religious person, but either way I saw the big picture. I look into the sky when I'm smoking a cigarette at night and if I'm feeling down for whatever reason, usually minuscule or petty, I think why fret over such a stupid thing, the universe is humongous, it encompasses so much pain and agony far worse then my withdrawal or my cravings or even when I'm depressed, cause the things I'm depressed about, people truly unfortunate would laugh at. So I let it go, you can't control every thing, and as an addict it's I know that better than anyone, but you mos certainly can control th way you think about things. Like a heart broken for the First time, never believes it will heal, but eventually it loves again, whether or not it's over it's first love. Like addiction, you won't believe you can be happy and normal again, but eventually you will be, whether you can forget you were an addict or not, you will be happy again.
actually makes me feel better knowing it means something to someone. I was so sucked into the thought that I'll never have my old life back, that I just gotta stop thinking about the good ol times, and just live with the fact it's irreversible. And up until 2 weeks and 3 days ago I would've said the same thing. Im sure it's different for everyone, a trip to the wilderness won't have the same effect on everyone, but try an do whatever you can to feel that genuine happiness that only comes from your heart. I'm not a religious person, but either way I saw the big picture. I look into the sky when I'm smoking a cigarette at night and if I'm feeling down for whatever reason, usually minuscule or petty, I think why fret over such a stupid thing, the universe is humongous, it encompasses so much pain and agony far worse then my withdrawal or my cravings or even when I'm depressed, cause the things I'm depressed about, people truly unfortunate would laugh at. So I let it go, you can't control every thing, and as an addict it's I know that better than anyone, but you mos certainly can control th way you think about things. Like a heart broken for the First time, never believes it will heal, but eventually it loves again, whether or not it's over it's first love. Like addiction, you won't believe you can be happy and normal again, but eventually you will be, whether you can forget you were an addict or not, you will be happy again.
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
Yeah, to reiterate I'm really glad that you shared this with us. It also made me reflect on the many things I have gratitude for these days now that I've gotten some clean time under my belt, and really made me think and wonder at the possibilities and opportunities that have opened up to me, now that I've lived unencumbered by alcohol and drugs for a little shy of 6 months now!! Thank you for writing it and writing it so well - your enthusiasm is, in every positive way I can think of, infectious!!! :D
I just hope people read this, and believe that they can get better. I mean I'm not special, I'm not the exception, I'm not lucky. I'm an average guy, I work two jobs supervisor at Ross part time at Walmart, I got a good head on my shoulders and a smile too good to hide behind pain and suffering that really doesn't have to be there. I mean if I can do it, a 21 year old guy, working retail, then i guarantee anyone who really wants that spark in life again will find it. But if your too busy noticing the things that remind you off your past, whether its a smell, or a place, your gonna make it hard. I'm ready to let my past be my past. And if my past comes into mind, I make sure, I rather replay one moment being content with life over and over again, than replay the long frustrating journey I took when I was doing drugs. Cause the way I see it, no matter how much my mind tries to trick me into glorifying the drug, and how happy it once made me, the memory always ends with me at my lowest point, and why the hell would I waste time doing that. I got a happy memory that almost, allllmost brings me to tears, and Ill keep that forever until its finally reality, and I won't have to remember no more.
By the way 6 months thats really an accomplishment. I just want to say it already myself haha just so I can say it haha 6 months, is a strong person, a person who really believes in themselves, who really believes they can change. That in itself, a rather fantastic and inspiring feat, although most people in society wouldn't understand, here, with people trying to achieve the same thing, your on top of the world least in my eyes.
thats really an accomplishment. I just want to say it already myself haha just so I can say it haha 6 months, is a strong person, a person who really believes in themselves, who really believes they can change. That in itself, a rather fantastic and inspiring feat, although most people in society wouldn't understand, here, with people trying to achieve the same thing, your on top of the world least in my eyes.
motherofearth
Bluelighter
Daaaaamn Vomit Fox, I must say it's hard for me to imagine you could've even suffered from a bad attitude even under the immense crushing mass of addiction. You are one of the most effervescent voices I've read 
.
I refrained earlier from making the following remark b/c I worried it would sully the bright spirit of this thread, but I want to state that's not my intention, and I beg the pardon of anyone upon which I make that impression. I myself, during the last July, left behind my escalating heroin habit to travel from my native California to New Hampshire as I do every year to visit family and spend a week in a cabin on a serene, lush, verdant lake. While people were never far, I could always (and did) take opportunities to be alone. The first couple days were horrid: I had Kerouac-ed up the Pacific Coast a few days before I left to New Hampshire, getting to San Francisco and abruptly returning to catch my flight. During this pre-trip trip I binged hard, even for an addict. So much so I vomited so profusely I induced acid reflux. So I dealt w/ that atop the WD's.
However, within 3 days I was really feeling better. I even had a suboxone w/ me and crazily I refrained from taking it. In any case, something about being able to just go off alone and always be in either an immense ancient forest, or gazing into the subsuming and enveloping waters, I felt noxious fumes, and torrents of pain leaving me. I orgasmed over every page of every book I read, every song I heard, every morning I awoke before anyone else to get coffee for everyone, all the conversations w/ my heroin free family. I'm not religious either, but I felt fucken delivered. Also, I was tearing through feminist literature, which even as a white male, was empowering and enlightening me. My childhood dog died during the trip and I was able to be an anchor for my little sister, whilst clandestinely grieving myself. I just felt so alive - more than I had since.... well, ever!
I just can't understand how I arrived home and casually threw all that out. I think I was still too naive toward my addiction, still able to believe the big lies I told myself. I often long to get that vital sensation back. It's like losing a great love and feeling you bungled the chance of your life. Honestly, I've had fractions of that exhilaration upon attempting to get clean since, but nothing so potent.
I don't want to be a downer, and I'm sorry to tell such a long anecdote about myself here, but I hope you are able to cherish your new lease more than I did. I hope we all get more chances than one to feel the vivacity coursing through us upon abandoning sleeping death. Your story reminded me of that indelible engagement I enjoyed w/ life, which crumbled into a lost tryst, and is now an ongoing struggle for me. However, more than anything else, your story put a smile to my face and a warm feeling under the ribs, and right now that means a lot. Thank you so much, and I'm sorry again if any of this is pessimistic or self-indulgent.
. I refrained earlier from making the following remark b/c I worried it would sully the bright spirit of this thread, but I want to state that's not my intention, and I beg the pardon of anyone upon which I make that impression. I myself, during the last July, left behind my escalating heroin habit to travel from my native California to New Hampshire as I do every year to visit family and spend a week in a cabin on a serene, lush, verdant lake. While people were never far, I could always (and did) take opportunities to be alone. The first couple days were horrid: I had Kerouac-ed up the Pacific Coast a few days before I left to New Hampshire, getting to San Francisco and abruptly returning to catch my flight. During this pre-trip trip I binged hard, even for an addict. So much so I vomited so profusely I induced acid reflux. So I dealt w/ that atop the WD's.
However, within 3 days I was really feeling better. I even had a suboxone w/ me and crazily I refrained from taking it. In any case, something about being able to just go off alone and always be in either an immense ancient forest, or gazing into the subsuming and enveloping waters, I felt noxious fumes, and torrents of pain leaving me. I orgasmed over every page of every book I read, every song I heard, every morning I awoke before anyone else to get coffee for everyone, all the conversations w/ my heroin free family. I'm not religious either, but I felt fucken delivered. Also, I was tearing through feminist literature, which even as a white male, was empowering and enlightening me. My childhood dog died during the trip and I was able to be an anchor for my little sister, whilst clandestinely grieving myself. I just felt so alive - more than I had since.... well, ever!
I just can't understand how I arrived home and casually threw all that out. I think I was still too naive toward my addiction, still able to believe the big lies I told myself. I often long to get that vital sensation back. It's like losing a great love and feeling you bungled the chance of your life. Honestly, I've had fractions of that exhilaration upon attempting to get clean since, but nothing so potent.
I don't want to be a downer, and I'm sorry to tell such a long anecdote about myself here, but I hope you are able to cherish your new lease more than I did. I hope we all get more chances than one to feel the vivacity coursing through us upon abandoning sleeping death. Your story reminded me of that indelible engagement I enjoyed w/ life, which crumbled into a lost tryst, and is now an ongoing struggle for me. However, more than anything else, your story put a smile to my face and a warm feeling under the ribs, and right now that means a lot. Thank you so much, and I'm sorry again if any of this is pessimistic or self-indulgent.
RegisteredStoneeer
Bluelighter
No problem
Thanks for the beautiful words. they touched me.
RegisteredStoneeer
Bluelighter
Being a downer ? , Telling a long anecdote.? Don't be sorrrry!! those words were far from downing. I am sorry to hear in the end of your struggle which I'm sure is worse than mine, however the part in the quotes I felt particularly moving and beautiful, just a great description of life. LIFE.
Haha Well before drugs I was always looking or the good in things, at a very young age I had to realize I can't focus on the negative ill miss all the positives. My dad in and out of prison, I stayed strong from 7th grade through jr year in high school. When it was 6 of us in a 1br apt I thought well least were together. But it when I got introduced to opiates I couldn't see the positive anymore, unless I was using that was my medication my way to see positive. I lost the ability to do it on my own for a long time. But I'm findin it again. And don't worry you don't sound like a downer, when I was younger I was naive, I believed hey I could live my life like this forever, it's not that bad, why quit I can afford it. Albeit by doing terrible things. But I just will never believe Or say that someone can't get better. It's strange what were made of, so much things that can't be seen or touched. You wanna do something and you'll do it, if you truly want to. If you've totally convinced yourself without a doubt you want to quit I think anyone can. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out the first time, but I guarantee you'll get a second wind, another chance to see a future you believe is attainable. Just keep trying and you'll find exactly what your looking for. I believe in myself and everyone else that wants that feelIng so bad. The only barriers in front of you, are the once you place upon yourself.