Remind me that it is not worth it TDS

[anaddict]

I ruined 15 days of sobriety a few hours ago and that voice in my head that reminds me not to go back down this path is fading. It is being drowned out by the warm hum that I am feeling inside my skull. I do not know what else to say really. I obviously know better yet instead of even just doing the freebie that crossed my path I scored enough for what will be a very 'good' night. Maybe I will not be able to handle this without professional help. Perhaps I will need to find a doc to get on subs or something. I know I do not want my life to go back to the way it was before. But I miss this feeling and that one fix after 15 days feels like it filled a whole that even on a good day(like i had yesterday coincidentally) can never be really filled.

I should be scared to death right now and I guess in a way I am as evidenced by me posting this. But I also feel alive again and it feels amazing. "It's the end of the world and I feel fine."

 

[Serotonin101]

I can relate to this very much. I tossed 6 months away for "one good night" and that quickly progressed into 2 more months of complete hell before going back to treatment. Some of us need treatment for when we are left to our own devices and vices we will do anything and everything to use. Start looking for an in patient treatment facility ASAP while things are still ok, you're not in jail and you're still alive.

 

[stardust.hero]

Anaddict when I would cave I too would get more than that nights supply. At first when caving I would agree to cave to one night. Then once I was able to accept one night it quickly turned in to well I might as well get the entire thing.

If you are ready for subs they are a great option. Subs actually tend to have that "everything is fine" contentment feeling. Not really any euphoria but they had a very nice antidepressant effect. I would imagine not only would it work to keep you off opiates but it will also help keep you in a positive mind set. Suboxone is a miracle drug.

 

[i against i]

it will take several months for your brain to properly restore itself so that it produces endorphins again, that it stopped doing when you were using, until then you'll feel pretty crappy.

 

[motherofearth]

Use very low amounts of the subs if you can. Get the strips and cut them into .05mgs and they really work well - plus you protract your supply. You'll be content, but you'll still need to meaningfully fill your time, which for me, is always the hurdle.

 

[herbavore]

It seems like there is always the double battle going on when going for sobriety--there is the actual physical battle against the cravings and the drug itself, and then there is the even tougher battle against the addict-voice that is still so persuasive. Separating them out and honing in on the voice is a complicated and lengthy endeavor. That voice does not want to die. It is familiar, it offers comfort, relief, release and yet it is false. Learning to live through psychological discomfort without trying to medicate it away is so difficult. It takes a huge amount of both patience and faith; patience because unlike a high it is not instant, and faith because there is no road map showing you how to get there--just your gut and your heart. The ultimate reward of being comfortable with yourself and in your own brain is the goal. It takes a lifetime to build, but each little victory feels so good. I can tell by the title to your thread and what you wrote that you know all this already but if hearing it from us helps, I wanted to add my voice. You have my admiration and I wish you courage and faith.

 

[Vaya]

anaddict, here's what's up. And this is from one addict to another - same stuff, many of the same results; good, and bad.

Your mind is so pliable right now - it is able to be contorted, twisted, bent and manipulated because you've been sitting on a psychological (AND physical) fencepost. The power of addiction is hard to quantify, but we see it, and we feel it, when instances such as this one occur.

And they do occur - sobriety is not a walk through the park at first. But the good news is, it gets better - and eventually, it will be a lasting feeling of liveliness that becomes a part of you. It doesn't cost anything, it's an asset to your life and world experience, and it opens doors for countless wonders otherwise lost to us in the mist created by our pleasure pathway. It is so inextricably worth it! It is so profound, it resides amongst other constructs in my life like Love.

But I can talk to you all day about how great it will get. 15 days is impressive, don't ever kid yourself over that - but it is a far cry from both the time and effort that will be necessary for your body, mind and spirit to stabilize. You've been like a pendulous steel ball swinging between extremes of emotion and you've got to embrace the time it takes for that motion to stop once its fuel has been taken away before you can abandon the feeling of tranquility-of-stillness. You haven't gotten there yet, and I've fallen off the horse a thousand times. I know hundreds of people that have done the very same.

What separates the sick from the recovered lies within the action (or inaction) after the fall. Don't forget why you're doing this, remind yourself that it's a process that is frustrating and uncomfortable, and love yourself.

Don't e-v-e-r forget how bad it was. In fact, think about it as you read this, if even for a brief moment. Allow yourself to remember.

I have faith in you

~ Vaya

 

[ratgirldjh]

don't do it.

I was sober for over 12 years and then happened to run into my old dealer who was just out of prison and looking to get
her customers back. of course the dealer gave me a freebie and I took it 'to be nice' not meaning to use it at all.

fast forward a couple of months. I kept chipping and is now having to taper off and start all over again and is having big
problems doing this since now she I am diabetic and on insulin and even small w/d makes my blood sugar very high.

flush the stuff before it is too late.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

I ruined 15 days of sobriety a few hours ago and that voice in my head that reminds me not to go back down this path is fading. It is being drowned out by the warm hum that I am feeling inside my skull. I do not know what else to say really. I obviously know better yet instead of even just doing the freebie that crossed my path I scored enough for what will be a very 'good' night. Maybe I will not be able to handle this without professional help. Perhaps I will need to find a doc to get on subs or something. I know I do not want my life to go back to the way it was before. But I miss this feeling and that one fix after 15 days feels like it filled a whole that even on a good day(like i had yesterday coincidentally) can never be really filled.

I should be scared to death right now and I guess in a way I am as evidenced by me posting this. But I also feel alive again and it feels amazing. "It's the end of the world and I feel fine."

I came off of suboxone 4 and a half months ago. I have to say though, i've relapsed a few times, but i'm no longer addicted. I can go without the pain pills now, or anything else for that matter. If i come across it, i do it. I don't go out looking for it though. I could really careless about getting high again. But if pain pills are offered to me, I'd gladly accept. I've went a while without doing anything like that though. Maybe you shouldn't do what I do. Maybe it's better for you to just get completely clean.

 

[xHippiexchildx]

don't do it.

my rat was sober for over 12 years and then happened to run into her old dealer who was just out of prison and looking to get
her customers back. of course the dealer gave my rat a freebie and she took it 'to be nice' not meaning to use it at all.

fast forward a couple of months. my rat kept chipping and is now having to taper off and start all over again and is having big
problems doing this since now she is diabetic and on insulin and even small w/d makes her blood sugar very high.

flush the stuff before it is too late.

The "my pet" deal doesn't really fly on BL.

 

[Cyc]

It's not worth it! Don't do it! There's another way!!!

How did that work?

 

[nanny]

hey. its ok

 

[nanny]

ok. everyone that replied has some really good advice, especially Vaya and herbavore. they are right on the mark. yeah, you kinda fucked up. but ya know what? we all have. well at least i know i have. I mean it wasn't like I wanted relapse to be part of my recovery process, but it was. and it is a part of a lot of people's recovery process, so just remember that yeah, it happens, especially if you are doing this on your own, without any kind of real supervision, not going to any meetings, (at least i don't think you are) and not seeing a doc who can maybe get you on some suboxone or something, keep taking the benzos and read some literature on recovery. i mean you scope it out. could you do a day program or half day program-out-patient treatment? or maybe just the doc and the support groups and a sponsor and the meds would work. idk. but, yeah. you gotta decide WTF you wanna do. because you did say that you did not want to go back to that way of life again. and i can tell you right now that if you do, you will end up losing everything, maybe even your life. and it sounds like you have your shit together, i dont know how, but you have an apartment, a supportive family, a job, live in a nice area, friends, etc..? i think... but yeah.. GET OUT NOW. you really dont wanna be all alone, with no job, nowhere to go, no money, strung out and sick, living on the streets going through wd's. seriously. picture that in your mind. happens all the time. everyday. I know that blanket of drugs is warm and comfortable. I know you wanna be there. I wanna be there too sometimes. but its just not worth the price that I would have to pay and it is not worth giving up all the love and happiness i can experience without drugs. And the freedom. I am no longer a slave to a white powder. it is so nice to go to the ATM and take out 200 dollars and not hand it over for 5 bags of shit. god. sorry. its late and im preaching and rambling and god. soo sorry. but. look. dont worry. it will be ok. it just takes time. and that's kinda the hard part. but you can do it and dont worry about the relapse. it's normal. ok. keep us posted. and stay strong. do some research and maybe you will find something that you did not quite expect to find on your path of recovery ( something good and new ! ) keep writing. gnite. GREAT POSTS EVERYONE.

 

[Vaya]

don't do it.

I was sober for over 12 years and then happened to run into my old dealer who was just out of prison and looking to get
her customers back. of course the dealer gave me a freebie and I took it 'to be nice' not meaning to use it at all.

fast forward a couple of months. I kept chipping and is now having to taper off and start all over again and is having big
problems doing this since now she I am diabetic and on insulin and even small w/d makes my blood sugar very high.

flush the stuff before it is too late.

Hi, as you may have noticed, we do not allow "SWIM"-like talk here on Bluelight; it offers you no legal protection and disrupts the flow of conversation.

Please see the Official Announcement regarding the change noted below in the BLUA (which can be found in my signature):

Further, the use of ineffective self-incrimination avoidance terms is forbidden. Terms include but are not limited to: SWIM; my dog; my cat; a mouse; my pet hamster.

Please adhere to these in the future! Thanks!!

~ Vaya