Please.. Help..

[TwitchE]

About 3 days ago.. I took LSD for my third time.. My second time was 3 days before that and my first was 3 days before that. I guess I went a little overboard but I thought the changes that were happening were good.. I had a bad trip the second time and so I took it a third time to try to figure out where I went wrong. That was stupid. I'm such a fucking idiot. Now I keep getting overwhelmed with this horrifying feeling and I can't take it. I want to die. It feels like nothing matters anymore. I'm so close to just.. Ending it all. I can't live like this.. I've been randomly crying and just feeling utter despair.. I fucked up.. I'm now empty.. And broken.. This entire world is a reflection of my own self and it's lonely and cold.. I don't really have any reason not to go blow my fucking brains out right now other than the fact that I'm scared. Oh god.. I need a miracle.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Okay, first things first, try to calm down. The way you're feeling right now is NOT going to last forever. Remember that you've taken acid three times in 6 days, that is a lot. Your brain is just having a bit of trouble regulating itself, which is understandable considering how much you've had.

But, rest assured that you WILL start to feel normal again soon. It might take a couple of days, or maybe a couple of weeks. But you WILL be okay. Just relax, and take care of yourself in the meantime. Talk to a close friend or family member about how you're feeling, tell them what you took and how much, talk it through with them. Make sure you get enough sleep each night, eat healthily, drink plenty of water, and maybe try to get some exercise in each day.

Oh and obviously, please steer clear of all recreational substances for a good long while, until you're feeling back to normal again.

If you are really struggling, not getting better, or getting worse, please seek medical attention

 

[Solipsis]

Just hang on man and take it easy, remember that this can be part of tripping as well: usually first you desintegrate and then you (re)integrate again. You are not alone in this, I have had a very similar experience only it was
with mushrooms. My second time was devastating. It takes time to pick up the pieces, but the most important thing is you regain trust and faith again and learn to relax and surrender to what happens. Know that we are always in a process and what seems to be triggered with some people, especially if you take it too far too fast, is a much deeper and faster process relating to your sense of self and what that means in the world.

Allow yourself space and time, if you must then forget about reponsibilities for a while since it sounds like you have other top priorities right now: straightening yourself out and resting. Live slowly now, do not try to despair or wish too much that everything will return to normal unrealistically fast. I know it is terrifying, if it's in any way how I experienced it. Yes this shit is more serious than everyday bullshit, but there is a path that leads from here: you can take the long way to reintegrate and fit together that you are both an individual, a separate person, but you are also deeply connected. Its very possible that the reason you are scared is because you have tasted extreme freedom. Freedom is underestimated, it comes with proportionally great uncertainty but also beautiful potential.

I hope you will take it from me that you can learn to see this in perspective if you allow it time, and seek help with friends and family and guides if you feel you must. Seriously heavy duty trips don't immediately call for psych councelling unless you're really far gone, I'd be careful with that since at this point it's IMO not a bright idea to think along the lines of disorders or anything. It's much better to interpret this as a spiritual breakthrough and I guess breakdown. It's documented by Stanislav Grof (spiritual emergency), anyway...
None of that may mean anything to you right now so just let it go then, rely on just 'being' for a while and realize that there isn't any real thing to fear - you can feel really bad from confusion though. And that's when I return to my previous point: relax and take the time you need.

Please, be wary of taking more drugs to retrieve your way through the rabbit hole. At first I took nothing (when it happened to me), then I started taking mushrooms on a very regular basis and half of the time I went to hell and back. But it was the only way for me to relate to what happened. Remember a couple of things: if you are hit hard like this you are more fragile and you absolutely shouldn't take reasonably big doses of psychedelic drugs - preferably take none at all but if you must, go low. To retrieve what happened I do believe in engaging a psychedelic headspace again but in a MUCH MUCH more slow and controlled way that is therapeutic and that loosens things to put them back into place.
Your best bet by a long shot is finding a spiritual teacher who can give you advice on what you feel happened to you. Because IMO this is almost always in the spiritual realm and treating it differently can be harmful. This is not about religion but more like the connection between mysticism and psychology.

Different people react in different ways, get back to us and maybe reflect on how you feel but be careful not to wallow. Seek support with our The Dark Side forum if that seems suitable to you.

I didn't understand I was me anymore at the time, I also felt like I couldn't turn back and that I was in risk of insanity/death and that it was irreperable. Yet here I am, pieced together again by only myself. There is a drive in us to be whole, I believe that. Sometimes breaking something makes it easier to rearrange stuff and fit it back in a better way, the way it was meant to be all along. If you feel completely and utterly broken please read and understand what I am telling you: there is always a way

 

[TwitchE]

I ended up getting drunk tonight with the intentions of fucking up my liver.. Lol.. Probably going to make things worse in the morning.. But I'm not going to worry about that right now. I appreciate the feedback. I talked to some friends, and family about it.. And it has not helped.. Instead made me feel more guilty in the sense that killing myself would hurt everyone around me. I don't know if anything will help honestly.. I feel like I saw too much. How alone I really am. How all of this is in my head and no one is going to tell me something I don't already know..or at least nothing extraordinary. They're going to react the same way I would.. All my feelings seem to sway the way others think and feel regardless of whether I talk about them. And the core feeling of fear.. Which is necessary for being alive. I don't feel fear the same in normal situations, but randomly.. I get this horrific feeling of just being.. And it's.. Well.. Too much to deal with. My moods are constantly changing and it's exhausting. It helps to hear that someone else has made it through something like this.. But I still have my doubts.. People tell me they love me.. But I can't say the same because I don't feel anything. What a miserable existence I put myself in. Fuck. I'm so numb to love, yet prone to fear. Fear of just being here. I lost myself. I really hope you're right and I can pick up all the pieces.. Or at least enough of them to keep me going. I'm afraid I've ruined everything though.

 

[yagecero]

Just hang on man and take it easy, remember that this can be part of tripping as well: usually first you desintegrate and then you (re)integrate again. You are not alone in this, I have had a very similar experience only it was
with mushrooms. My second time was devastating. It takes time to pick up the pieces, but the most important thing is you regain trust and faith again and learn to relax and surrender to what happens. Know that we are always in a process and what seems to be triggered with some people, especially if you take it too far too fast, is a much deeper and faster process relating to your sense of self and what that means in the world.

Allow yourself space and time, if you must then forget about reponsibilities for a while since it sounds like you have other top priorities right now: straightening yourself out and resting. Live slowly now, do not try to despair or wish too much that everything will return to normal unrealistically fast. I know it is terrifying, if it's in any way how I experienced it. Yes this shit is more serious than everyday bullshit, but there is a path that leads from here: you can take the long way to reintegrate and fit together that you are both an individual, a separate person, but you are also deeply connected. Its very possible that the reason you are scared is because you have tasted extreme freedom. Freedom is underestimated, it comes with proportionally great uncertainty but also beautiful potential.

I hope you will take it from me that you can learn to see this in perspective if you allow it time, and seek help with friends and family and guides if you feel you must. Seriously heavy duty trips don't immediately call for psych councelling unless you're really far gone, I'd be careful with that since at this point it's IMO not a bright idea to think along the lines of disorders or anything. It's much better to interpret this as a spiritual breakthrough and I guess breakdown. It's documented by Stanislav Grof (spiritual emergency), anyway...
None of that may mean anything to you right now so just let it go then, rely on just 'being' for a while and realize that there isn't any real thing to fear - you can feel really bad from confusion though. And that's when I return to my previous point: relax and take the time you need.

Please, be wary of taking more drugs to retrieve your way through the rabbit hole. At first I took nothing (when it happened to me), then I started taking mushrooms on a very regular basis and half of the time I went to hell and back. But it was the only way for me to relate to what happened. Remember a couple of things: if you are hit hard like this you are more fragile and you absolutely shouldn't take reasonably big doses of psychedelic drugs - preferably take none at all but if you must, go low. To retrieve what happened I do believe in engaging a psychedelic headspace again but in a MUCH MUCH more slow and controlled way that is therapeutic and that loosens things to put them back into place.
Your best bet by a long shot is finding a spiritual teacher who can give you advice on what you feel happened to you. Because IMO this is almost always in the spiritual realm and treating it differently can be harmful. This is not about religion but more like the connection between mysticism and psychology.

Different people react in different ways, get back to us and maybe reflect on how you feel but be careful not to wallow. Seek support with our The Dark Side forum if that seems suitable to you.

I didn't understand I was me anymore at the time, I also felt like I couldn't turn back and that I was in risk of insanity/death and that it was irreperable. Yet here I am, pieced together again by only myself. There is a drive in us to be whole, I believe that. Sometimes breaking something makes it easier to rearrange stuff and fit it back in a better way, the way it was meant to be all along. If you feel completely and utterly broken please read and understand what I am telling you: there is always a way

^^
This is really, really good advice TwitchE, I hope that you take it. It sounds like you've obliterated your sense of (self) the world and found yourself being extremely conscious of your existence in the process. Solipsis is right - you've broken yourself down into a million pieces, but there is also the opportunity to put yourself back together in a much more advantageous configuration.

I also second what n3ophy7e said. You need to occupy yourself with being healthy. You want to try and be physical, at the moment you're caught up in an extremely mental existence and it's bringing forth a psychological experience in which you feel like you'll never recover. However, the truth is you will recover, you just need to focus on "out there in the world" and try to avoid internalising everything.

I wish you luck TwitchE, family and friends may not understand due to the regular societal view of these things being connected to "drugs" and all of the negativity that goes with that idea, so try and choose the people you talk to about it wisely.

Much love: like everything, this will pass.

 

[somewherehappy]

Like the others have said please give yourself time, because this is temporary it will pass.

 

[J.Wallace]

Everything I would normally say, has already been said. Simply put, remind yourself you took a substance 3 times in a week, that's a lot. Remember the human body, mind and soul has a miraculous way of healing itself through time and rest. Eat healthy, drink plenty of fluids, and most of all try to abstain from another substance for at least 2 weeks. This may be difficult, considering how you are feeling this very moment, but indulging in such things will only prolong the healing process. This dreadful feeling will go away! As I've been saying, just give it time and rest your mind.

 

[Floating Zebra]

Iv'e experienced something similar. I know what that lonely feeling after acid's like, it makes me feel quite hollow inside, like something odd in my gut. Rest assured man, you'll be back in a couple of weeks.

 

[TwitchE]

Thanks you guys for taking the time to try and help me. It's really giving me some hope. I also forgot to add I've been taking a lot of other drugs recreationally that I suddenly stopped taking.. Adderall, concerta, MDMA, cocaine, hydrocodones, weed, and whatever else I don't remember. (I'd say alcohol but I drank last night) Also I was thinking of going to the doctor, I think I'll pass on that now thank you..

 

[Solipsis]

Good to hear that you are open to different suggestions and affirmation, but I'm sorry you are mentally in this place right now. Moreover I empathize with the despair, how very difficult it is to realize and believe that this is a phase or transition. I know from such a point of view it can be (somewhat logically) near-impossible to have a longer term overview and to trust that beyond this lies an opportunity to become a new you, who is definitely capable of love and all other emotion.
This may be little solace right now and it is probably not even very wise too try and look too far ahead. You do need to deal with what's going on right now but if you can just imagine that your life may become so rich if you allow it... maybe that is one of the things that can make you give it all the benefit of the immense doubt.

I don't mean to force unsolicited spirituality on you, but what I think is that while we may all experience something like this differently, at the very core all of these people who went through this seem to have fundamental things in common... What this is, I think, is what is called 'the dark night of the soul'.

Please read this: http://www.drpokea.com/darknightsoul.html

And see how your description is echoed: emptiness and sorrow, uncertainty (like I mentioned before), psychic pain, fear...
But do read the rest as well and see how you can see this as the hardship of a type of rebirth. I suggest the use of the word God is taken with a grain of salt
and is probably best equated with the entire living universe as the all-compassing and pervading being. It is the deep being that I believe feels so heavy and without meaning to scare you, a rude awakening like this can be a burden for quite a while. But there is a promise of personal freedom, you have a very special chance now even though you never meant to be chosen for it, I never chose this either. I consider it a curse and a blessing, and it shifts more and more towards blessing in due time.
I find it hard to grasp what I was like before but I think with the right approach something like this can show you a path, one that can make you more intensely you.

In my opinion it is good if you take this as one possible frame of reference but please don't obsess about it either. Surrendering and letting go is the greatest gift you can give to yourself now.
But I have sympathy for the urge towards self destructive behavior, so don't feel guilty about not being able to handle this without difficulty - I think there are very very few who are able to do that. Yet: watch your boundaries for self preservation - don't go and damage yourself please. IMO you are in your right to let it out in the way you feel is necessary, what am I even saying: you are souvereign and self-endowing. Learning to deal with a new feeling of 'responsibility' or inevitability to process all that you are open to now... that's a challenge, but hey that's life. Only this is not a baby step but a leap. Choose goodness, I emplore you. At some point you will love yourself for that.

Until then, while you are so very sensitive - see if you can find a sanctuary with friends or family, alone time is also good but in my experience from becoming too introverted you can feel quite lost that way.

I truly hope you can find peace and I hope I can as well. I've come a long way on this path but there is still much ahead. I believe peace is the destiny that makes this all come full circle, not collapse and implosion.

 

[TwitchE]

I just had another flashback, and all I can see is hopelessness and despair... And fear. I don't want to live like this. I'm so miserable. It's always going to be like this I know it. I can't just ignore that. Everything has become meaningless and empty because I fucked up my brain. There's no going back, and there's no future for me. I can't express in words how scared and hollow I am. I see it in not only myself, but everyone. This world is not meant to be, it just happened. I just happened. Everything just is and I can't fucking take it anymore!!! Fuck acid, fuck drugs. I wish I never did them, I wish there was a god that would've told me, no, don't do that.. It will hurt you. But no! There isn't one. God is created out of desperation and fear of death. I'm so torn apart, I might as well already be dead. Now I lie here thinking, when am I going to kill myself? When are my pain going to exceed my resources? Well hopefully soon. I really hope this ends soon. I feel stuck. This is hell.

 

[omicamushroom]

Try to be less negative. Life is meaningless. Its not that big of a deal. Meaninglessness is full of meaning, anyways.

How old are you? Maybe you're just bored.

 

[idontdothizz]

I think that there is a lesson to be learned out of all this and that lesson is not "drugs are bad don't do them"
Your body is simply trying to tell you something. Are you listening?

 

[TwitchE]

If it weren't for the fear of the unpredictability of what will happen when I die, or if I really kill myself and there IS a hell.. I'd do it by now. But that still doesn't remove the fear. I'm 21, going on 22.. I am beyond bored. I'm disinterested in everything. So what's the point of living? I suppose whatever reason I come up with, or choose to believe. But I don't believe in anything anymore. Life is just a giant fucking paradox.

 

[SONN]

try yoga?

 

[TwitchE]

Haha?

 

[TwitchE]

So I ended up sleeping about 14 hours.. Had some long, somewhat vivid dreams.. A nice little break from reality to say the least. I've got a headache and I'm a bit dizzy.. But I feel a bit better mentally. I don't doubt that I might have another drawback.. But I'm going to try to be more positive. I was doing a lot of drugs, and I shouldn't expect things to magically get better in the amount of time I've given it so far. In fact, I'm going to try to stop thinking about "it" altogether.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Sounds like a good plan mate. Take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing

 

[JackARoe]

So I ended up sleeping about 14 hours.. Had some long, somewhat vivid dreams.. A nice little break from reality to say the least.

It's a nice break because you ceased the thoughts of resistance for a period of time. Sleep is good like that. Your body can get rest just laying in the bed. Your mind is what needed a break. Drinking also softened your own self imposed focus on what is missing from your life, or at least perceived as missing. However that break was only from You, and where you keep your focus during the day. Focusing on emptiness means a desire for a whole feeling.

You can control how you feel, and ultimately we all have to do that lots of times. Picking yourself up and dusting yourself off with your own encouragement, help from friends that try and uplift you, and you eventually saying "Fuck Yes!" That good feeling that sends chills up your spine. You know that feeling, and it doesn't come when a person is focusing on the dark side of life over and over and over. Eventually you will have to get that good feeling and face forward. But face forward with a good feeling that you even have some desires. And believe me most can be obtained. It can get depressing if you have a desire but feel it will never materialize.

What happens when you ask for help on a board is people like Solipsis and everyone else reaching into their own well spring and giving back to you, to uplift you until you eventually uplift yourself. That's how life works. Solipsis mentions affirmations. Affirm that you are happy healthy and whole and stop affirming life is empty. Focus on what you want in life. If I were to hand you a million dollars, the perfect mate and something to look forward too and you are able to get at leasts a little bit of that feeling then run with it until it pervades your entire being. Practice that. Example, if a person wants to be a doctor, they never make it by saying it will never happen, I can't do it, or I don't believe it. It HAPPENS when that person believes and visualizes themselves where they want to be until that "fuck yes" feeling pushes them forward and leads to some inspired action.

So I am saying cut to the chase and don't wait for circumstances to change to feel better. Everyone would be waiting a long time if that were the case. But take the bull by the horns and tell yourself to focus on what makes you feel good, whether it's music, a walk in nature or any other thing can can make you feel better. Feeling better is the goal of everything. Do it by focus.

Oh and wait a while to trip again until you practiced making yourself feel better.

 

[Ralt]

I think you need to be comfortable with yourself. Every human being is alone, that's just a fact, you will never share your true inner sense of self with someone else, it's a bitch, but language has barriers. You need to find things that interest you besides drugs, and then taking drugs will become fun again.