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path less travelled

A

axiomaxiom

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 3, 2011
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8
across the rows of vessels filled
and eyes with purpose burning bright
you set off for the yet unreached
along the paths less travelled

the sun of truth is steeped in lies
it covets those that it deceived
they pay the price their dreams request
and think they are forgiven

yours are the trails of other ways
where truth is obscured with shadows
you chose to look for grains of light
but all you found was gravel



axiomaxiom
 
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Heh, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it. On balance, I think should stay away from dramatic readings of my own writing though =D

cheers!

axiom
 
herbavore said:
this has such a beautiful cadence; you should read it aloud on the audio thread!
Click to expand...

I agree with this. I don't know the names of meter styles too well, but I think this might be iambic tetrameter. Did you do that on purpose, or did that just feel like the correct way to formulate this poem? It also has a cool little loose rhyme scheme that seems aloof in its desire to rhyme. Kinda like "it's cool if you do, it's cool if you don't" style rhyme scheme. This is one of the more interesting posts on here IMO. good job.
 
thanks, CoffeeDrinker! Good eye for the meter! It's essentially a modified iambic tetrameter with a few substitutions - the last line of every stanza misses a syllable (which gives it the "interesting" cadence you mentioned) and the line 2 of stanza 3 has the last two iambs substituted with the trochees, which was meant to give a punch to the ending. In retrospect, I thing i ended it to quickly and it needed another stanza between 2 and 3 to polish it off.


axiom
 
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Yeah I noted the missing syllable on the last lines, but didn't know what to call it in relation to the overall structure.

This is all "first layer" stuff as far as analyzing poetry goes because we haven't even talked about the meaning or implications of this piece. It's just that I had to comment on the fact that it seemed like you really knew what you were doing and pulled the form off well. If the poem catches my eye on the first read-through then I'm more inclined to actually think about the whole thing more.

I say keep the ball rolling if you feel there needs to be another stanza. I'd enjoy reading more.
 
I especially like the last two lines. Searching for grains of light but only finding gravel.
 
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